mary5alive

Hi everyone, my Name is Mary and i'm 23 years old living born and living in Chicago, Illinois.

I have a drinking problem and it is so hard for me to accept it. I think I am still in denial.

I grew up in a dysfunctional alcoholic home; my dad was ALWAYS drunk. I grew up in fear of him. He never hit us(which I thank god for), but he constantly verbally abused my Mom, sisters, brother, and me. He constantly blamed all his problems on us, and would tell us that we were ungrateful, fat, stupid children. As a kid, I had no idea what the hell was going on and thought everyone's Dad was like this. To this day, when a grown man yells about something, I am traumatized for weeks and have a hard time with it. He binge drank for weeks, and went through withdrawal after more than 3 weeks of being drunk 24/7. The local hospital staff knew my family due to my Dad. He never though anything was wrong with him, and still blamed his problems on us. He had so many near death experiences due to alcohol.

Throughout high school, I was bullied for being fat. I completely lost it, and lost 50 pounds going into junior year of high school. Everyone left me alone and nearly idolized me(a lot of the bullied got fat themselves hahah). I never drank of did drugs in high school and took great pride in that. I basically came home from school being bullied, to see my Dad drunk and passed out on the couch, or falling over the house and yelling. I felt like no matter what, I had no escape. I had nowhere to go. I hated being anywhere; I was always miserable no matter where I was forced to be.



Let me fast forward a little bit. The girls I made friends with in high school all went away to college further in the city, and began drinking immediately. I felt left out, but was okay with not drinking. I couldn't go to school like I wished, and took a year off to save up for either a car or school. The next thing I knew, I was being made fun of for not drinking.

They invited me to a halloween party to get drunk and be a "big girl". Immediately I was hooked.

Ever since that night, got myself involved in bad situations and have lost all the high school friends I once had while they were in college.
I got involved with one of their friends, who used me. I was devestated once I put 2 and 2 together. I lost it and drank mouthwash for awhile to get drunk.
I used to get high off robitussin when I was 15, and I'm not sure if this had something to do with it.
I then met another guy, who I wasted 2 years of my life with. He cheated on me repeatedly, and constantly told me I was fat and ugly. He then dumped me and blamed it on me for drinking too much. After 2 weeks, he wanted me back, but I told him I was done. (all of his friends were hitting me up, telling me they wanted me, and that he was an idiot for screwing things up) I've been hapily single ever since. Yet I work a job i hate.

I eventually quit the mouth wash, but then turned 21 and my life has been at a standstill ever since.
I drink everyday and am agitated all the time when I'm not drinking. My family hates me and tells me i'm selfish, which makes me feel even worse, yet I can't help it.

I drink everyday and can't stop.

I don't know what to do. Can anyone please help me?

LadyinBC

I am so sorry you are going thru this. I just want to give you a big hug. Welcome to our site. You will find so much support here.

Are there any AA meetings in your area? Are you open to going?

Dee74

Hi Mary - welcoem

Like Lady said there's a lot of support here - SR really helped me to turn my life around

Have you tried to quit before at all?

D

geminigirl89

I'm going through the same thing and have been bullied much the same like you. My dad was an alcoholic in my younger days I don't remember much, but I find the more likely you are to become an addict when growing up in an addicts home. I'm roughly the same age as you I'm 24 so if you ever need anyone to talk to I'm here we all could use support.

KateL

Welcome Mary. I am sure you will find much support from reading and posting here xxxx

Nonsensical

Welcome to SR Mary5!. You're in a good place.

I want to tell you, as gently as I can, the above sentence that you wrote is not true. You CAN stop. You just haven't YET.

There are lots of sober people on this forum who felt hopeless at one time or another. They took many different paths to get to a better life. Many use Alcoholics Anonymous. Others use some of the less known techniques to live happy, sober lives. There are many options for recovery and you need to find the one that is right for you.

If you look around the forums, read, and ask questions it might be helpful to you and also help us to provide you the support and help you are looking for.

Welcome to the fight of your life. Best of Luck on Your Journey.

page58

There are other options out there but AA worked for me Mary - and believe me - I was HUGELY resistant to the idea as my drinking history was not representative of what is "average".

I went there as an exploration because a close friend said there would be many people who would understand the depth of my pain, depression, confusion, and fear. I needed to stay sober in order to deal with my own long-standing alcoholic family issues, and thats the only requirement to go - a desire to stay sober.

Check it out, chat with a few folks about how you are feeling at that moment and what's going on, try and keep an open mind, and see how it feels afterward - you might be pleasantly surprised

SoberLeigh

Welcome to SR, Mary. You will find so much support here. As has already been said, there are many paths to sobriety. Take the time to explore them. Lean on us for support.

daxemus

I can relate to your post so much! Welcome here. The good news, we never have to drink again. The bad news, we never can drink normally again if we have this disease. I believe we can get off the elevator at anytime, we don't have to ride it all the way down. And, with some help, this sober thing is shaping up nicely.

This was a post on another thread this morning. I thought of it as I read your post:

Boy, I used to be really angry at my addiction at God. Why me? I would say. But being angry
about it and feeling sorry for myself kept me stuck.

I had to finally accept that though I am not happy about it that I indeed am an alcoholic
and an addict and I will never be like normal people who can moderate.

I know now that I am not a bad person but I have an addiction which caused me to do
bad things.

I am not responsible for my addiction, I didn't cause it. Some people are addicts, some
are not. Just like some people have cancer and some do not.

I did not know that the 1st time I ever picked up that I would not be able to stop.

But now I absolutely know that one drink or drug is to many and a 1000 is never enough.

It is now absolutely my responsibilty to find a solution to arrest my addiction so I never
repeat the behavior that came along with my using.

The isolation, guilt and pain of addiction forced me to find fellowship with others like myself
and that has been a total blessing.

This addiction changed my life in that it made me take a deep look inside of myself. It has
made me realize some things about my character, my personality, my thinking that needed
an overall.

The very things that led me to obsessive thoughts about drinking and using.

I have my own story. My own experience.

And each of you have your own story and your very own experience that is going to really help
someone one day, a story uniquely your own.

If you are wondering what your purpose may be, that just may be it.

But we will never find out what our purpose is if our first instinct is to drink or drug when life
gets a little tough.

Are we ready to take responsibility for our recovery?

Daxemus - The key to my serenity is acceptance.

Dime

Mary,
So sorry to hear of your bad times, but believe you can get a handle on it.

First thing I must say is that if you are an alcoholic or addict and you successfully quit you can never never take any booze, pills whatsoever. Experimenting will bring on the drugs/alcohol problem again and you are pretty much guaranteed your problems will become much worse the second and third time around. So it is mandatory to stay 100% sober. Do not join friends who are going out drinking and learn to avoid dangerous situations. I just tell people I don't drink in a firm manner and they don't bug me about it at all. Some ex-drinkers say they can't because of medication reactions. Be proud of what you are doing and don't let anyone intimidate you about it.

Folks that have serious relapse are usually best off in a hospital under a doctors care. I've done it, don't like it, but it works!!

Good Luck and God Bless

Hevyn

Welcome Mary. I'm glad you found us - we're a friendly & helpful group.

I never thought I could quit either - but after 30 yrs. of drinking (in the end daily) I was terrified for my life. That's when I found SR and summoned up the courage to let go of it. You have some good advice here already. I know you can get free and have a new life Mary. We are with you.

matrac

I think that we sometimes and unconsciously come to cope with stress in the same ways our parent figures did. Additionally, your dad severely affected your self-esteem and caused perhaps more damage than physical harm would have. I had a somewhat similar upbringing and while I may have been a problem drinker in my youth, it became more a problem in my middle age yrs. I didn't get married until I was 32and had my children near age forty.

I really think that you need a therapist to help you sort out your thoughts and feelings and put your poor relationships with men into perspective. Meantime, get off alcohol and take good care of yourself (as if you were your own parent). You deserve a better life as you also did as a chid.

mary5alive

wow, thanks so much everyone. I have never felt so welcomed, or support. It really is difficult for me to talk to people about this, but with all the support I'm getting from you all I really feel so much better.

I have began seeing a counselor, and she wants me to do intensive outpatient therapy. I never heard of it, and would like to go through with it but I'm afraid. I can't lose my job, and I don't know what to tell my boss.
My drinking has gotten so bad lately that I can't go one day without it. I can't sleep without having a few. I know there is a lot of issues I'm dealing with at once. I have tried to seek out help from psychiatrists, but no joke they all have waiting lists all the way until June.

I have attended a few AA meetings, and I was really upset after the more recent one I attended. Some guy followed me to my car and offered me heroin, and then to go to a bar. He told me that he only goes to AA because it's court ordered, and he feels better and 'smarter' than the system. I wanted to kick him in the balls. I very politely declined and sped far off. I know not all places are like that, but it almost made me feel like I was the sane one there. I don't do hard drugs, I just drink a lot. That is not a feasible excuse, and I know that but still. :/

Have any of you guys done IOP, and if so what were your experiences? What did you tell your employer?

LadyinBC

Unfortunately I have heard of this happening, I am very sorry that it happened to you. What about women AA meetings. They most likely do have them in your area. Also there is Women for Sobriety. They do have a website and you can touch base with someone in your area to see if they have any face to face meetings where you are.

here is a link to the website.

Internet Message Forum & Chat | Women for Sobriety, Inc.

Dime

Mary,
So sorry to hear about your experience after an AA meeting. Like any other group of people there are always some idiots present. Fortunately there are also lots of caring supportive people in the meetings.

Locally here we recommend getting a Sponsor to help you along. They can provide a lot of support and help take care of any idiots harassing you.

I was initially hospitalized for a week to detox safely. I simply told my employer I was having blood pressure problems. Nobody from my employer bothered me at all. Truth be told I am pretty sure my drinking problem was evident at work. They were all glad to see me back at work.

I had tried IOP in the past and it did not work for me. It was too easy to keep drinking and I did.

Others I know have done very well with IOP.

The week in a detox unit worked for me. AA folks visited us and I picked up a Sponsor while in the hospital and began to call him daily while I was in the hospital. Called him every day for the first year made all the difference in the world for me.

Best of luck!

matt4x4

Well to be quite honest and frank about it. The meeting rooms can be a hunting ground for toxic people. Like I said in previous posts here, everyone in an AA meeting is not there for the same reasons. Everyone in an AA meeting is not healthy, some are sicker then others. Those are the cold hard facts.

So if we recognize that we have a problem with booze, what are we to do about it? Are we to just sit around all the time and tell stories of our drinking escapades, or do we start to live in the solution and talk about how does a person get sober to begin with, then how is that same person suppose to obtain sobriety. 2 completely difference aspects of putting down the bottle.

least

Welcome to the family. You can quit drinking. I didn't think I could quit but I did. My life is so much better sober. It's not perfect but I'm dealing with it with a clear mind and that makes all the difference.