My first non invite to a function (that I know of) due to sobriety
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My first non invite to a function (that I know of) due to sobriety
A close friend had a 50th birthday party for her husband, who I also know. To be fair I know her far more than him. There is still a circle of us girls who all hang together. We don't drink together, we just do things together. I just saw pictures of the party and there was only one person not there, me.
I'm a little hurt but at the same time I recognize that it's possible that since she knows I'm sober she didn't want to put me in a tough position. However, ask me if I would be uncomfortable instead of just assuming! She is fully aware that I am almost 9 months out and doing just fine.
I recognized that life was going to change when I got sober. I can't expect everyone to know where my head is at. I guess that what bothers me is that if I were in her position I would have at least asked the person I was unsure of inviting and gave them the chance to accept or decline.
Sometimes it feels like it's us vs them. For Pete's sake, we're alcoholics, not lepers!
I'm a little hurt but at the same time I recognize that it's possible that since she knows I'm sober she didn't want to put me in a tough position. However, ask me if I would be uncomfortable instead of just assuming! She is fully aware that I am almost 9 months out and doing just fine.
I recognized that life was going to change when I got sober. I can't expect everyone to know where my head is at. I guess that what bothers me is that if I were in her position I would have at least asked the person I was unsure of inviting and gave them the chance to accept or decline.
Sometimes it feels like it's us vs them. For Pete's sake, we're alcoholics, not lepers!
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There can be many reasons for the motivation of not inviting you. It may be out of courtesy ("we should not tempt you"), it may be out of fear ("I might have a problem too? Surely not?"). What I mean is that it might be a positive reason, or one that's got nothing to do with you at all.
I understand of course that it stings. But people in general are very unfamiliar with addictions, and you can not always blame them. 20 years ago I might have avoided inviting a "now sober self proclaimed alcoholic" to a party, I don't know, but since there is so much secrecy I would not even have thought about it to be honest.
The most important thing is that you are confident in your quit. And if it's a friend you want to keep, why not bring it up in a non-confrontational way? The answer might surprise you, who knows?
I understand of course that it stings. But people in general are very unfamiliar with addictions, and you can not always blame them. 20 years ago I might have avoided inviting a "now sober self proclaimed alcoholic" to a party, I don't know, but since there is so much secrecy I would not even have thought about it to be honest.
The most important thing is that you are confident in your quit. And if it's a friend you want to keep, why not bring it up in a non-confrontational way? The answer might surprise you, who knows?
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Hi. As stated above, the answer may surprise you. With my diminishing neurons I might have assumed you knew you were invited, I'd forgotten to invite you, was unsure if you would be uncomfortable and so on. You make some valid points also.
In general we are sensitive people who don't suffer well and I have to remind myself of the word acceptance and avoid having a resentment over it. Ya I know that's easy to say.
BE WELL
In general we are sensitive people who don't suffer well and I have to remind myself of the word acceptance and avoid having a resentment over it. Ya I know that's easy to say.
BE WELL
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 544
Friend-
Unfortunately, it is us vs. them.
Over the last eighteen months I cannot remember how many times I've told old friends that I simply wasn't coming to their birthday parties, cook outs, or social gatherings. Unless you're paying me to be there, there are simply some places I refuse to go into. Bars and pubs are like Kryptonite.
I stay as far away from them as possible.
The good news is this. If you continue to stay on this path you will make new friends that don't drink either. Saturday morning my girlfriend and I had breakfast with her parents. Sunday afternoon six of us played settlers at her parents house.
Everyone had nothing but Coca-cola, cookies, chili, chips, coffee and veggies and a good time was had by all!
Stay Strong!
Unfortunately, it is us vs. them.
Over the last eighteen months I cannot remember how many times I've told old friends that I simply wasn't coming to their birthday parties, cook outs, or social gatherings. Unless you're paying me to be there, there are simply some places I refuse to go into. Bars and pubs are like Kryptonite.
I stay as far away from them as possible.
The good news is this. If you continue to stay on this path you will make new friends that don't drink either. Saturday morning my girlfriend and I had breakfast with her parents. Sunday afternoon six of us played settlers at her parents house.
Everyone had nothing but Coca-cola, cookies, chili, chips, coffee and veggies and a good time was had by all!
Stay Strong!
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Join Date: Feb 2014
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I would be glad if my friends didn't invite me to such a party, but I would be sad to see the pictures. You're right to have been given the opportunity unless your friend has some insight about you and was trying to protect you? Anyway, they shouldn't have shown the picture.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
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I know it hurts, but you are assuming the reason why your friend didn't invite you. There could be a myriad of reasons. There's no way of knowing what she was thinking unless you ask her. I would be hurt too though. Hugs to you. I try not to look at it as us vs. them. Why separate yourself from good people?
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Boston, MA
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Unfortunately it keeps changing. My friendships have shifted quite a bit.
"Best" friends from my drinking days, some of them are now just acquaintances. I don't get invited to anything they are doing, and we just drifted apart. It is hurtful.
On the other hand, I've made new friendships, and solidified some existing ones on a more honest and meaningful basis. Those friendships are so much more important.
It does get better, but it's certainly a terrible feeling to be left out. Sobriety is worth it!
"Best" friends from my drinking days, some of them are now just acquaintances. I don't get invited to anything they are doing, and we just drifted apart. It is hurtful.
On the other hand, I've made new friendships, and solidified some existing ones on a more honest and meaningful basis. Those friendships are so much more important.
It does get better, but it's certainly a terrible feeling to be left out. Sobriety is worth it!
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Well
Not knowing everything. Was this a couples party?
It is awkward situation for our friends and families. I've had close friends and family at social gatherings ask me if it would bother me before they ordered a drink.
Perhaps, she was sparing you from feeling out of place inviting you .
We tend to get sensitive after we stop drinking.
Remain friendly with her if she is your friend. If she is a good friend, I wouldn't let this ruin a friendship
Not knowing everything. Was this a couples party?
It is awkward situation for our friends and families. I've had close friends and family at social gatherings ask me if it would bother me before they ordered a drink.
Perhaps, she was sparing you from feeling out of place inviting you .
We tend to get sensitive after we stop drinking.
Remain friendly with her if she is your friend. If she is a good friend, I wouldn't let this ruin a friendship
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I think it's a win for you, walk tall. They wanted to do the dark and dirty imbibing without feeling like you are chaperoning them. Good on you for being the sober one that gets played out of the sinister function. It's their loss, when they all started to get buzzed you still would have been able to tell stories in a cognizant manner and entertained them.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
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Originally Posted by DG0409 
Well, you're doing a step better than me. I don't even have any friends to not invite me.
In this case Lady, I bet she was trying to avoid putting you in an uncomfortable situation... but of course she should have asked you that.
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Hillsborough, NJ
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I would feel hurt too....
Maybe if you do end up asking her in a non-confrontational way,
you both may end up learning something new about each other and your friendship may flourish as a result of your discussion...
Good luck!
Linda
Maybe if you do end up asking her in a non-confrontational way,
you both may end up learning something new about each other and your friendship may flourish as a result of your discussion...
Good luck!
Linda
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Thank you everyone, I appreciate all of the responses, it's so helpful.
I've come to the conclusion that the non invite was probably a combination of what you all said. She is definitely supportive of my sobriety but she also would be one to tell me that she also goes overboard when she drinks.
I think that she didn't want to put me in a bad position. Also, I think that when you admit that you also go overboard when you drink the last person you want around is someone who came to recognize that about themselves and took action.
What's sad is that neither had to be the case. What she does with her drinking is none of my business but I'd still like the option to decline. I'll be talking to her the next time that we get together about it.
It was a couples party also.
I've come to the conclusion that the non invite was probably a combination of what you all said. She is definitely supportive of my sobriety but she also would be one to tell me that she also goes overboard when she drinks.
I think that she didn't want to put me in a bad position. Also, I think that when you admit that you also go overboard when you drink the last person you want around is someone who came to recognize that about themselves and took action.
What's sad is that neither had to be the case. What she does with her drinking is none of my business but I'd still like the option to decline. I'll be talking to her the next time that we get together about it.
It was a couples party also.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 544
Originally Posted by LadyBlue0527
Thank you everyone, I appreciate all of the responses, it's so helpful.
I've come to the conclusion that the non invite was probably a combination of what you all said. She is definitely supportive of my sobriety but she also would be one to tell me that she also goes overboard when she drinks.
I think that she didn't want to put me in a bad position. Also, I think that when you admit that you also go overboard when you drink the last person you want around is someone who came to recognize that about themselves and took action.
What's sad is that neither had to be the case. What she does with her drinking is none of my business but I'd still like the option to decline. I'll be talking to her the next time that we get together about it.
It was a couples party also.
I've come to the conclusion that the non invite was probably a combination of what you all said. She is definitely supportive of my sobriety but she also would be one to tell me that she also goes overboard when she drinks.
I think that she didn't want to put me in a bad position. Also, I think that when you admit that you also go overboard when you drink the last person you want around is someone who came to recognize that about themselves and took action.
What's sad is that neither had to be the case. What she does with her drinking is none of my business but I'd still like the option to decline. I'll be talking to her the next time that we get together about it.
It was a couples party also.
Be careful what you wish for.
Voluntarily associating with large crowds, especially who are drinking is actually quite dangerous. For what you are trying to avoid more than the alcohol are the vices these people carry. Meaning, not only do I not want to be tempted. I don't even want to hear what people are saying to me, or around me, while they're drinking at all!
Think of a perfume shop. Even when you don't buy anything you still walk away with the scent of fragrances all over you. These are type of environments I make a conscious effort to avoid, not embrace.
Hope that wasn't too preachy.
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LB, that makes perfect sense: you want the option to decline, not other people making your mind up for you.
As for avoiding situations where there are drinks, I like to think it all depends on where you are in your sobriety, your social situation, your personality.
When I quit, I made it a point to not ask my wife to stop drinking her one or 2 glasses of wine a day. I would feel incredibly uncomfortable if she did stop because of me, and I knew I would fret over that. I did some soul searching to see if that wasn't a way to set myself up, but it wasn't. I did ask her to not drink whisky (my weapon of choice) around me, as that would probably be more difficult.
Today I have no problem with people drinking around me (they are all "normal drinkers", pah!
), I just don't feel the need to partake. It was "my quit", I wanted it to be something I could control, I didn't want to be dependent on other people to make it a success or failure.
So it worked for me, but it might (most probably?) not work for the next guy/girl. Again, it depends, and I only shared this because that is also about having the right to decline, about not being some kind of leper that everyone avoids or treats like a child.
That said: the moment "my wife having a drink" would make me feel itchy, I *would* ask her to not do it in front of me for a while. It is not a "willpower contest" (we alcoholics tend to lose those when it comes to booze). But right now I actually don't even notice it anymore.
As for avoiding situations where there are drinks, I like to think it all depends on where you are in your sobriety, your social situation, your personality.
When I quit, I made it a point to not ask my wife to stop drinking her one or 2 glasses of wine a day. I would feel incredibly uncomfortable if she did stop because of me, and I knew I would fret over that. I did some soul searching to see if that wasn't a way to set myself up, but it wasn't. I did ask her to not drink whisky (my weapon of choice) around me, as that would probably be more difficult.
Today I have no problem with people drinking around me (they are all "normal drinkers", pah!
), I just don't feel the need to partake. It was "my quit", I wanted it to be something I could control, I didn't want to be dependent on other people to make it a success or failure. So it worked for me, but it might (most probably?) not work for the next guy/girl. Again, it depends, and I only shared this because that is also about having the right to decline, about not being some kind of leper that everyone avoids or treats like a child.
That said: the moment "my wife having a drink" would make me feel itchy, I *would* ask her to not do it in front of me for a while. It is not a "willpower contest" (we alcoholics tend to lose those when it comes to booze). But right now I actually don't even notice it anymore.
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Originally Posted by Amajorityofone
Friend-
Be careful what you wish for.
Voluntarily associating with large crowds, especially who are drinking is actually quite dangerous. For what you are trying to avoid more than the alcohol are the vices these people carry. Meaning, not only do I not want to be tempted. I don't even want to hear what people are saying to me, or around me, while they're drinking at all!
Think of a perfume shop. Even when you don't buy anything you still walk away with the scent of fragrances all over you. These are type of environments I make a conscious effort to avoid, not embrace.
Hope that wasn't too preachy.
Be careful what you wish for.
Voluntarily associating with large crowds, especially who are drinking is actually quite dangerous. For what you are trying to avoid more than the alcohol are the vices these people carry. Meaning, not only do I not want to be tempted. I don't even want to hear what people are saying to me, or around me, while they're drinking at all!
Think of a perfume shop. Even when you don't buy anything you still walk away with the scent of fragrances all over you. These are type of environments I make a conscious effort to avoid, not embrace.
Hope that wasn't too preachy.
Earlier on in sobriety I would have walked away from this even if I were invited. In this particular case I am 9 months sober the end of this month. I know that's still early but I've been out in crowds a few times where there's drinking. I don't know if I'm fooling myself that I'm desensitized or not but it hasn't been an issue so far. Don't get me wrong, I know that at any given moment that could change. I'm consistently mindful. This is also something I could never make a habit of, this was an occasion. A 50th birthday that only happens once in a lifetime. I've had numerous invites to the typical going out on a weekend night type of thing and swiftly decline.
I have no desire to hang out with a bunch of drunks who are together just to drink. However, when an occasion such as a wedding, birthday, bridal shower, etc occur I would like the opportunity to make the decision if I'm strong enough to make it through.
Out of this thread I've learned that just because I want to be invited places I can't expect people to read my mind as to where I'm at. The best that I can do is to be honest with that person (based on my closeness with them) that if they didn't invite me for a reason surrounded by alcohol that I hope that they give me the chance to accept or decline and just ask. She and I are close enough for me to do that. How is she supposed to know how I feel?
This is why I love this board. Had a bit of anger that someone made a decision for me and through all of you realized that it's me who has the problem.
Love this place and appreciate all of you so much!
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True story-
Recently, I had to do a job where I was surrounded by people who were drinking. As I was coming out of the bathroom an older gentlemen struck up a conversation with me. The more he talked, the more I could tell he was pretty lubricated up with adult beverages. He went on to say that he had lied to his girlfriend and brought another woman to the event. His girlfriend had been texting him and wanted to know where he was. He asked me what he should do about it?
I simply said "Tell your girlfriend the truth."
To me, what needed to be done was as clear as a bell. Yet, to him, it was an issue. He was really struggling with it. Of course, he completely rejected my advice. This is what I am talking about. People are far more garrulous with their tongues when they have been consuming alcohol.
You walk into an environment like this with an ounce of virtue, and before you know it, people you don't even know are peeing on that once of virtue with their depravities. This doesn't happen every time I'm around people who are drinking but it does happen often enough that when given the choice, I always decline when invited.
Hope this helps
Recently, I had to do a job where I was surrounded by people who were drinking. As I was coming out of the bathroom an older gentlemen struck up a conversation with me. The more he talked, the more I could tell he was pretty lubricated up with adult beverages. He went on to say that he had lied to his girlfriend and brought another woman to the event. His girlfriend had been texting him and wanted to know where he was. He asked me what he should do about it?
I simply said "Tell your girlfriend the truth."
To me, what needed to be done was as clear as a bell. Yet, to him, it was an issue. He was really struggling with it. Of course, he completely rejected my advice. This is what I am talking about. People are far more garrulous with their tongues when they have been consuming alcohol.
You walk into an environment like this with an ounce of virtue, and before you know it, people you don't even know are peeing on that once of virtue with their depravities. This doesn't happen every time I'm around people who are drinking but it does happen often enough that when given the choice, I always decline when invited.
Hope this helps
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