freethinking

Since getting sober, my anger and frustration has become out of control. I get angry and frustrated over everything. I won't go into detail over what has me p*ssed off this morning, because I am well aware my thoughts over the situation are irrational (and I don't want me going into detail over this specific situation becoming an open door for a soapbox lecture), but let's just say I am well aware my thoughts are overly angry and irrational right now and I am tired of feeling this. Every.single.day.

I *think* I have an AA sponsor now, but her suggestion to me is to read the Big Book. I've already read that f*cking thing!

I feel like I am at a crossroads right now. While I like the face-to-face contact in AA, I don't think I have the patience for the program and for all it's "promises" to come true (and FYI - that isn't an opening for someone to lecture me on how the "promises" don't just come true and how I have to "work" at them - I've heard it ALL before). I have "failed" many times at AA. And truthfully, I don't know I am up for all of it. I never said I wanted to be a better human being. I just don't want to drink - I don't necessarily want to work on myself or make amends to people or be spiritual. I just want to not drink and not feel like murdering people left and right (FYI - that was an exagerration...I don't literally feel like murdering people).I have "failed" at RR/AVRT before. I have tried SMART as well. While I don't feel like drinking in this moment, I do feel unbelievably angry. This has been going on for a while now, and it's just getting worse. The only thing that makes me somewhat soften during the day is my untainted little 17 month old daughter. Besides my interactions with her (and my older two), I feel like smashing everyone else's heads in most of the time.

Thanks, I just needed to vent. Sometimes, that makes me feel better. Hopefully it does here.

RobbyRobot

A good window into my anger was to see my fears feeding my anger. When our anger becomes a daily staple on our menu, its time to take a good hard look at the cook. Often enough the cook is afraid to step out of the box, get out of the kitchen, get into a life that gives back more than it takes. Ongoing failure can jade us into not seeing how we can make lemonade out of our lemons. More than once I've had to gather my lemons and be at least grateful I wasn't letting them sit and rot away. It wasn't much or even pretty at the time, but eventually I had my lemonade and satisfied my thirst to do better and be sober as I got on with just living for its own sake.

Hope that wasn't a lecture, lol.

freethinking

Lol, no - did not consider that a lecture. Thanks for taking the time...fear was an excellent insight.

Climber122

I was going to say the same thing. My sponsor always asked me the same question when I was angry:

"What are you afraid of?"

Fear is the root of anger. I used to get incensed when my ex-wife would push my buttons and bait me into arguments over say, my children. In analyzing it though, I could see there was fear that I would lose my children. Once I was able to rationalize that she was just full of sh*t and I would not be losing my children, the fear went away and I no longer got mad about it. But that didn't happen until I was over 3 years sober.

Emotions runs strong when we are sober because we aren't using a drug to moderate our feelings. That's perfectly normal. It's your choice but I would encourage you to stay with a program of recovery, if not AA something that keeps you in contact with people who can help keep you accountable. Left to our own devices we can talk ourselves into all sorts of reasons for drinking. Just know that the anger you feel is very normal - allow it to happen and then try and work through it with your sponsor, trying out the idea that the root of it is fear. Best!

Joe Nerv

I've a feeling you already know everything I'm about to say, intellectually, but sometimes having things said from someone else (or differently) helps.

Maybe you can substitute the word "better", with "different"? It sounds like you've been around long enough to understand that if nothing changes, nothing will change. Except for the worse, if it involves putting down the bottle. I drank to deal with things I didn't know how to deal with, like anger, resentment, fear, anxiety, etc. With the bottle no longer there to medicate me, something has to take it's place. Some sort of action had to be taken. But if you're totally unwilling, well, I don't believe you can expect a whole lot.

When I came into AA I was desperate and hurting enough to take all the suggestions I could possibly take. Thinking back to times I felt as you're feeling right now, some of the more important suggestions were to find something to replace the alcohol with. I was told to start practicing depending on an HP. Which I didn't totally believe was going to do anything, but I was willing to at least have a go at it. Crack the door open, to see where it might lead if I peeked into the light. What I found was that being open to that, little coincidences started happening. I started being able to deal with things I couldn't before. I started to walk through my fears, even if the fears didn't immediately go away. It was an incredibly slow process though. Actually didn't feel like anything was happening, and I can only see it clearly in retrospect.

I never looked at the 12 steps as work. The only work I did was open my mind, humble myself (wasn't really a choice there), get on my knees (in private), and pray. The rest I was taken through in time. Even ammends I made, years down the line, seemed to just flow out of me, almost as though I was possessed. No sweat on my part, just happened because I immersed myself in a world of people who were getting better (lots of AA, mostly bigbook and step meetings). Point I'm trying to make is that I don't believe you have to do anything right now other than become willing, and if you have a faith in anything in this universe that might be more powerful than you, have a go at tapping into it. The rest will follow, and it won't be work, and it won't be painful. It'll feel good as all that will be involved is healing. What you're feeling now sucks. Pretty sure we've all been there, and to even worse places. If you don't take a mini leap forward however, you're just going to continue till either you can't take it any more and drink, hurt someone, or decide to do things differently. My experience and opinion.

Hope this didn't come off as confrontational, or preachy. Just trying to be helpful, and as honest as I can be given what you've put out there.

Last note, I know ultimately we have to get and stay sober for ourselves, but there's nothing wrong with using others for motivation when needed. A 17 month old daughter sounds like just about the best motivation one can have. Do you want her to grow up with an angry all the time, or drunk dad.... or happy and content sober one? You're not going to get the sober guy unless you find some williingness to change. It's really not as tough or bad as it seems. What you're going through now, IMO, is a lot more painful.

freethinking

Thanks,that made sense

freethinking

Yes, I have a feeling this is true.

I'm not willing to give up on AA just yet. I still get something out of it.

BTW, I am a female - lol...the "smashing heads" comment throw you off a bit?

But yes, I have a feeling if I don't deal with this anger on some level, it will eventually take me back out.

matrac

Frustration comes from not knowing how to proceed, how to solve a challenge. Anger comes from fear. Anger is the quickest way to rid yourself of fear...it doesn't take thought and it uses up the energy that anxiety bottles up. It makes you feel powerful and brave, but it might also make you feel bad about yourself or create problems in your work and personal relationships.

I find that structure in my day(as much as possible with kids), a little exercise or a 20 min walk, and a daily priority list of 3 things I must get done keeps me more focused, better able to cope and have a sense of accomplishment. You have to start small, keep a diary of your thoughts and behaviors and accomplishments to keep yourself going. I know it's hard to have little ones and have control.

I on't think you said how long you've been sober. I am wondering if these are residual effects....depression...ect I think that over time you will figure out how to cope with the things that may have even led to drinking as a coping strategy in the first place. You have a lot of people here to help. Wish you well

Hawkeye13

I had a ton of anger to release that I had been stuffing for years with booze.
There was sorrow, fear, hurt, and deep abiding sadness from a sad childhood and beyond behind it.

I lost touch with many people because I was so mad I didn't trust myself around them. My dogs were my saving grace.

The anger morphed from rage and came out as explosive, ragged crying in therapy, also expressed by beating a punching bag to bloody knuckles more than once.

For awhile, I was so crazy I was running up hills in the forest alone until collapsing with heaves and unable to get air.

Many days there were tears running silently down my face, sometimes for hours, until I got in the shower to find them some company.

And so on. A lifetime of emotion welling up. Be patient with yourself and find ways to safely let the anger / fear / worry / feelings of disappointment and failure / hurt / betrayal go.

It's like peeling an onion--you cry through each layer and cry again. Gradually it lessens but that takes awhile and actively working it.
I channeled much of it through cognitive therapy and also physical activity.
Crossfit and Yoga were really helpful to me and I ended losing 40 pounds in the process and building a mass of muscle.

Fortunately, I no longer wanted to smash heads at the end of it, because I sure as heck was built to do it by then

It will get better.

SillyString

I am not doing any formal program. I am also not drinking, and grateful for every day I am living without consequences from drinking. I was so very tired of it all at the end. Sick of thinking about it, sick of doing it, sick of the cycle. I wanted off the merry go round. The first time I made a serious attempt to quit, I was really, really angry about having to do it. I felt I was missing out. This time, I had some realizations about what my drinking was doing to my life, and how I thought of myself. That has made all the difference.

Additionally, I have bipolar 2, and one of my main symptoms is ungodly irritability and lack of patience. I feel mostly like I'd like to slap the sh*t out of people, so I relate to your comment above. There is a very short list of people I can stand. I also have a terminal illness (breast cancer) which just adds fuel to this anger fire...

As far as not drinking, staying stopped...I had to fully grasp 3 things: 1) I cannot moderate, and honestly, HONESTLY, I have no interest in moderating, and when I try, I either fail or if I am successful, I'm SO angry and resentful the entire time, it's essentially torture. 2) the pain of the consequences of drinking finally, finally, finally outweighed the very short lived sense of relief of shutting my brain off. Getting a MOMENT's peace. The price for that moment just became too high. 3) drinking to look for peace, or relief, gets me exactly the opposite. Turmoil and more pain. It wasn't doing for me what I thought it was all this time. But I kept chasing that "relief". Oh, I feel so stupid for not seeing this years and years sooner.

Plenty of people quit on their own...BUT, I do believe one has to have a shift in thinking, in expectations, in order to be able to quit and stay stopped.

I enjoy the honesty of your posts. Please don't give up.

CAPTAINZING2000

You ever try and channel that anger into something useful?
Go out for a jog or brisk walk for an hour.

Anger is a god given emotion. Like it or not people places and things will upset us. Sometimes we are the culprit.
I do know, I have to have acceptance over everything I can't reasonably change

freethinking

Great points about what anger does.

You are also spot on when it comes to accomplishing things during the day, even if it is menial tasks.

Thanks for the input.

freethinking

So, anger and fear have been mentioned - over and over again. I need to take a look at that. When I ask myself what I am afraid of, the only thing that comes to mind is a lack of control over my life. I feel out of control, and control is a big issue for me. I feel like I have no idea who is driving the bus anymore. And if I am being totally honest, maybe the self pitying child in me is still angry with my parents after all these years. I keep having recurring dreams about them, so those issues keep coming up fresh for me every morning. The disgusted part of me doesn't even want to touch those issues with a 10 foot pole. I'm an adult now. Get over it.

Another thing that seems to have been mentioned is going out and doing something, walking, accomplishing tasks, etc. This made sense. I know I always feel better when I have done *something*, anything - it gets me out of my head. I just got back from a psychiatrist appointment...even that felt like accomplishing something for the day, and I feel a bit better now. But I think I need to add a couple more things to that list as that won't sustain me for a whole day.

matrac

Theres a website called Flylady.net...It provides a methodical way to keep your home organized (having kids myself lets me know how hard this is). There's a lot to read there, but to start, it has a section called baby steps. What I like most about it, is that it's starts out so simply and adds tasks as time goes on. Your first day begins with showering, eating, getting dressed and then cleaning the kitchen sink. Daily structure including that get up in the morning and get going method helps thwart depression too. You'd be surprised how nice your house will look if you clean the kitchen sink and put away even just 5 items in each room....

I think Fly Lady has conquered some of her own issues and come up with her methods...

Anyway, keep trying new things....change the ways you live your life down to your shampoo brand a step at a time....you'll figure it out...

freethinking

Thanks Matrac! I checked it out, cool site.

Hawkeye13

I'm a flybaby too. Wonderful if you have housekeeping issues or just want to get things together in a guilt-free happier way.

bigsombrero

I did AA for a while and felt the same way. I didn't want to join the Junior Boy Scouts and sign up to do all these chores. I was told that I "needed to call more people" and also should be at meetings 4 times per week, and play tennis with the group every Tuesday. I said I didn't have a racquet. They said they'd bring one for me. Jeeeezus. I was told all this by my "sponsor" who was a kid 3-4 years younger than me.

Nuh-uh.

I think some folks gravitate to AA because it's a completely different lifestyle. Like when you go to church for the first time, and everyone is really nice to you, and they ask about your day, etc. And you think "Wow, people finally CARE about me!" and "Woah, there is LOVE in this room!"....now, I'm not saying it's insincere - but it's just not for everyone. But maybe you don't need a new ball to juggle right now? You know what they say, you can "take what you want and leave the rest!"

I have been sober 19+ months by using my own "recovery stew". A little of this, a little of that. Perhaps you should get creative in the kitchen and stop reading all the recipes from others! Don't put a drink in your mouth and nobody can tell you that you're doing it wrong.

matrac

Hawkeye13...It has always bothered me to have a messy house, but I have many a day had a messy house....I'm not an extreme cleaner, it just makes me feel in control and as if I've got myself together. There were times when hungover (not in withdrawal) that I just couldn't bring myself to take care of more than what I really had to. My immediate environment was OK, but I let other things slide that I otherwise would not have. I was my best alcoholic self at work and everything else was more affected. After a while, I think my job was too.

Gal220

That made me laugh so hard! AA saved my life, but there are definitely some people like that! I can't believe they tried to tell you you had to play tennis with them every week! I always tell people I'm the world's worst sponsee. About the only thing I have going for me is that I stayed sober. It took me five years to do the steps, and despite constantly promising my sponsor I'll call her, I rarely do. But she puts up with me .

And btw, I LOVE your avatar! I tried really hard to get my husband to move to Chicago when we first got married, but no dice. He hated the big city and the cold. But I love it there and constantly lament the fact that I live in a place with no seasons and no culture. There's just an energy about it that makes it feel like home to me. Maybe if I outlive him! lol

Bluebird1927

I'm the same mate. You're not alone. Only day six for me, thirty five days at the beginning of the year and the anger was a large reason I thought **** this and drank again. I'm hoping I can learn to deal with it this time. Good luck