SpeedySpeedBoy

Hello everyone. This may seem strange but please bear with me. I am not 21 as of yet. I have never drank to intoxication. Nor do I have a desire to feel drunk or in any way want to escape from any emotional, spiritual or physical problems. In fact I have had very little alcohol in my entire life. Never have I found it to be palatable in any form. Very few family members that I know well drink. It is incredibly rare to see my parents drink. I have one alcoholic uncle on my fathers side. That's it. So why am I here?

I strongly feel like I am already an addict waiting to happen.
I think about alcohol many times a day. I am unusually fascinated by everything that involves primarily hard liquor. I fantasize regularly about drinking. I want to drink everything and anything I can get ahold of, knowing I will very likely find whatever I have to be unenjoyable. There is a never ending curiosity and it bothers the hell out of me.

I would not place myself with the usual 20 year old ready to party and get blasted on his 21st birthday. It's really strange. I am very self analytical and can't find the reason why I am this way. I don't believe it has anything to do with a desire for status or somehow it's a "pathway to manhood" I must achieve to feel fulfilled. A part of me wonders if this stems from the fact that I have had very little exposure to alcohol as a child, and that it seemed almost taboo.

I'm probably waaaaaaaaaay overthinking this. Forgive me for taking time away from others with actual problems... It's a petty issue but I would love to hear from this community what the opinions are. My uncle ruined his life one bottle of Rare Reserve at a time, I don't wish to do the same.
Thanks.

DAG417

It's good to ask, Speedy. Everyone is an addict waiting to happen. The important thing here is that you haven't started yet. Don't. It's not worth it. I promise you. I didn't start drinking until after I was 21, but I wish I never tried it.

Raider

That's interesting. I can't understand why you would give it a second thought. I've never tried meth, and it doesn't cross my mind to. Anyhow, what a great place to be. Don't start and you won't have to stop.

Dee74

Hi Speedy

If it's a problem for you, then I think it qualifies as an actual problem

I was always fascinated by alcohol too - but I never drank it with any regularity until I was in my twenties. I had alcoholic uncles too, who repulsed me.

Once I opened the floodgates I drank alcoholically for the next 20 years.

I'm not saying that would be true for you too - but if you're not drinking now, and you intend to stay that way, you're not missing out on anything, believe me.

D

Sorensen

I would just stay away from it then, if your worried about being an addict, don't start. Like Dee said, your not missing out on anything.

TomSawyer

It's an interesting concept. I remember thinking when I was your age that I had the 'mind' of an alcoholic. Alcohol fascinated me. I was fascinated by alcoholic writers, read books about battles with booze, and searched out songs about alcoholism. Not saying it will be the case with you or not, but here I am now: an alcoholic.

Gal220

I was always fascinated by alcohol also. The idea of it actually repulsed me; I saw it as losing control. I couldn't imagine why anyone would want that. But the longer I lived in my cruddy emotional thinking, I started to think escaping might not be all that bad. It might be pretty awesome to get wasted and forget about everything. It took me a long time to get from that point to the conscious decision to drink, but once I did, I was a goner. Once I experienced it, I knew I wanted more. I was 19 then, and I got wasted at two parties (that was the goal; spent the night and everything). Those were my first experiences with alcohol. I was able to stave it off for a couple of more years because I was in school and living in a dry county at a dry university. But once I graduated and then turned 21, I was done for. Within three years, I was a full-blown, daily drinking alcoholic and in AA trying to quit.

If you are obsessing about it, that's a problem, whether you have drunk or not. There is no need to ever start drinking. I hope my kids don't. With two alcoholics as parents, they may be predisposed to alcoholism. It's a risk I hope they don't take.

Maybe think about why you are obsessing? What are you thinking alcohol will do for you that you can't do for yourself? Are you trying to escape something? To feel something? Alcohol is never the solution to a problem or a feeling.

Hearts

I didn't really drink until after I was 21, either. I was also fascinated by the IDEA of drinking more than being drunk. My theory was/ is that it is so glamorized by advertisements and such. The "idea of drinking" simply never went away. I didn't go, "Oh, I know what it is like to be drunk and now I am done forever!" (Of course, my first hangover ever I was absolutely saying that, heh.) If I had the foresight as you seem to, I would never have started in the first place. It seems like it could be a much more manageable feeling that way. I can't think of anything alcohol did for me that made becoming an alcoholic worth it. Seriously.

KateL

Welcome Speedy. I think I was born this way. I had a sneaky sip of my granddads beer when I was small and loved the warm feeling it gave me. I think I was destined xxxxx

matrac

Young men your age are often anxious about whether or not they will finish their education, land a good job, and do all the things their parents my expect of them. You saw what alcoholism did to your uncle - it ruined his life. I wonder if your "fascination" has anything to do with anxiety to decide what your career will be and whether or not you have what it takes to be successful in your field? I don't know how much failure you've seen in your family members, perhaps your uncle was the black sheep and since it was attributable to alcohol, you have this overriding curiosity that you will fail because of it too? I bet just a few sessions with a counselor would help you figure it out? It does't mean you're an alcoholic in the making...

feeling-good

Speedy

I think many alcoholics were born with the ism(s!). Take the time to read and follow some of the 'worst' stories you can find on this site to help you to understand where it can take you and then make a promise to yourself that you won't drink alcohol. Ever. I hope life works out as well as it can for you.

Climber122

I also didn't start until 21 because of heavy alcoholism in the family. But let me tell you, when I took my first shot it was like I was home... it felt soooooo good...

So I'm not sure those of us who - 1, 5, 10, 15, 30 years later down the road - having seen the terrible destruction alcoholic drinking did to us and others can convince you not to drink, because for a while it is undeniably wonderful, fun... incredible. I mean, we don't do it the second time because the first time was the worst ever... For an active alcoholic, until the body and mind start to go, drinking is so much better than living life on life's terms. Facing shortcomings, facing fears, being responsible - that's hard! But that all came after sobriety, and has proven far better and longer lasting than any drunkenness, and there's far less vomiting involved

So you will probably do your own testing because you are an individual - a person who has his own relationship to the world. I think it's wise you seem to seeking answers now. As such, perhaps consider going into it with eyes wide open. Schedule a couple sessions with a counselor of your choosing. Talk openly about your obsession to drink, and try to get to the bottom of your motivations. Then if you choose to drink you will have a clearer idea what you are getting into. Good luck.

oak

I was afraid that I would become an alcoholic before I started drinking. I delayed drinking for a year or two because I was so sure it would end up being a problem for me.

I have not really drank all that much in my life, because I quit early (although I have had to quit quite a few times). For me, the obsessions were awful. Alcohol and pills did become a problem for me very quickly once I started. I hated the taste too.

I've even thought a lot about trying to get certain drugs that I have never tried. So I can relate to having obsessions for something that you have barely tried.

Counseling might help. Another poster asked what do you think alcohol would give you that you're not getting when sober. That's a great question. Good luck to you! I hope it gets easier very soon.

SpeedySpeedBoy

Thanks everyone for all your responses.

To answer some questions, no I have no desire to escape at all. I have a healthy and function relationship with my family (although I am a codependent hehe). I am not stressed about education, future, or future circumstances.

I wonder with my codependency if it party is attributed to wanting to be seen with a drink that somehow people will like me more somehow. But then again my mouth waters at the idea of sipping fine tequila in the privacy of my home, and I have yet to try such a thing

Let me reiterate though, I have no desire to be intoxicated. Not will I do so as I am a very religious person and drunkenness is a sin. I worry only that I will get carried away with it. Has anyone started out as a moderate drinker (with inhibitions still very much active if you catch my drift) but found themselves spiraling out of control?

feeling-good

Speedy - yes. That is my simple answer!! I spent years being a moderate drinker before life events got too hard for me to cope with by myself (which without a doubt happens to *everyone* at some point or another) and somehow I ended up slipping (pretty quickly) down the slope into alcoholic drinking.