Accepting and Drunk self.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 53
Accepting and Drunk self.
Hello.
Ive been on these forums for some time, yet never fully active. Ive quit drinking several times in my life. I am aware i have a problem. I do not have craves for alcohol, its just that when i find free amounts of it, i cant stop drinking. I drink so much i have blackouts. Ive woke up in the morning with bruises on my face and in general yes, i can be danger to me and others around me.
Every time ive quit, i try to learn something new about me me so i can help myself stop for good. Apparantely im not doing something right. As i was trying to explain to my bf that i have a problem and i need help, he wasnt accepting it, i realised that i think i cant accept it either. Ive been telling people that i have a problem for years now, yet i dont think ive accepted it myself.
I dont want to be an alcoholic. I dont want to be "broken". I want my bf to be able to see a future with me. Cause as you see, for some reason, i dont think someone can have a future with an alcoholic. I dont want to consider myself "sick". I do not know how to get my mind around this. Im trying to think that im not weak, its just that i see that alcohol doesnt work well wih me, so im just deciding to not drink it.
Another question i have is about our drunk selves. When i was young, i thought, and people told me, that when you drink you do the things you really want to deep down inside. As an alcoholic now, i see that its not like that, yet people tend to still believe that, mostly people who do not have a drinking problem. Ive made out with 2 people while black-out drunk the past year, while im in a relationship with the most perfect guy. Both times i did not want to, yet both times i had a reason for the thought to cross my mind, so i think the alcohol did "help", but that doesnt mean i would make that choice sober. (long story short, bf admitted to cheating on me and the thought of doing something for revenge crossed my mind, even if i find it so immature, my drunk self thought it was a marvelous idea)
I am not that person. Well, not that whole person. My drunk self is like half of me. Its the part without my logic, without my feelings, without my ability to judge. To clearify, im talking about my black-out drunk self, for some reason its different for me. Having a couple of drinks doesnt do more than give me a buzz, i can still think a bit clear, but when im black-out drunk....gosh i cant remember what the hell was going through my mind.
Now that kind of drunk, is hard for people to understand if they havent been through it. Thats what im trying to explaimn to my bf and i think he just thinks im finding an excuse for my "cheating". I havent had the chance for a more serious talk, the one that i explain to him how if i continue this, i will maybe not come home one night cause something terrible might happen to me. Im almost sure he will understand then.
Im going to start by finding some group to get over all these things, cause its not just the drinking, its his cheating also. Gosh this is weird, although i know what to do, i have the feeling that i need someone to talk to, yet ive talked to friends, and i have nothing to say. Its like i know what to do, im just not doing it. So, im sure that you guys can add something, something im missing maybe. Dunno.
I am looking forward to your answers, thank you for reading this far!
Critter
esit: ps I have managed to quit smoking, 8 months now !
Ive been on these forums for some time, yet never fully active. Ive quit drinking several times in my life. I am aware i have a problem. I do not have craves for alcohol, its just that when i find free amounts of it, i cant stop drinking. I drink so much i have blackouts. Ive woke up in the morning with bruises on my face and in general yes, i can be danger to me and others around me.
Every time ive quit, i try to learn something new about me me so i can help myself stop for good. Apparantely im not doing something right. As i was trying to explain to my bf that i have a problem and i need help, he wasnt accepting it, i realised that i think i cant accept it either. Ive been telling people that i have a problem for years now, yet i dont think ive accepted it myself.
I dont want to be an alcoholic. I dont want to be "broken". I want my bf to be able to see a future with me. Cause as you see, for some reason, i dont think someone can have a future with an alcoholic. I dont want to consider myself "sick". I do not know how to get my mind around this. Im trying to think that im not weak, its just that i see that alcohol doesnt work well wih me, so im just deciding to not drink it.
Another question i have is about our drunk selves. When i was young, i thought, and people told me, that when you drink you do the things you really want to deep down inside. As an alcoholic now, i see that its not like that, yet people tend to still believe that, mostly people who do not have a drinking problem. Ive made out with 2 people while black-out drunk the past year, while im in a relationship with the most perfect guy. Both times i did not want to, yet both times i had a reason for the thought to cross my mind, so i think the alcohol did "help", but that doesnt mean i would make that choice sober. (long story short, bf admitted to cheating on me and the thought of doing something for revenge crossed my mind, even if i find it so immature, my drunk self thought it was a marvelous idea)
I am not that person. Well, not that whole person. My drunk self is like half of me. Its the part without my logic, without my feelings, without my ability to judge. To clearify, im talking about my black-out drunk self, for some reason its different for me. Having a couple of drinks doesnt do more than give me a buzz, i can still think a bit clear, but when im black-out drunk....gosh i cant remember what the hell was going through my mind.
Now that kind of drunk, is hard for people to understand if they havent been through it. Thats what im trying to explaimn to my bf and i think he just thinks im finding an excuse for my "cheating". I havent had the chance for a more serious talk, the one that i explain to him how if i continue this, i will maybe not come home one night cause something terrible might happen to me. Im almost sure he will understand then.
Im going to start by finding some group to get over all these things, cause its not just the drinking, its his cheating also. Gosh this is weird, although i know what to do, i have the feeling that i need someone to talk to, yet ive talked to friends, and i have nothing to say. Its like i know what to do, im just not doing it. So, im sure that you guys can add something, something im missing maybe. Dunno.
I am looking forward to your answers, thank you for reading this far!
Critter
esit: ps I have managed to quit smoking, 8 months now !
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,429
Noone wants to be an alcoholic, Critter.
I don't feel like I'm broken, or sick tho - not anymore - I certainly felt that way when I was drinking tho.
I've accepted the fact that alcohol and I have a very bad relationship, so I don't drink anymore.
Thats a plus, not a minus in my book.
As for the idea that our true selves come out - I don't believe in that. My real self is sitting here typing a response to you.
I have to take responsibility for all the messed up stuff I did - no arguments there and I wouldn't have it any other way - but the person I became when I drank was someone different - different values, different priorities.
I agree with Raymond Chandler:
“A man who drinks too much on occasion is still the same man as he was sober. An alcoholic, a real alcoholic, is not the same man at all. You can't predict anything about him for sure except that he will be someone you never met before.”
Raymond Chandler, The Long Goodbye
I don't feel like I'm broken, or sick tho - not anymore - I certainly felt that way when I was drinking tho.
I've accepted the fact that alcohol and I have a very bad relationship, so I don't drink anymore.
Thats a plus, not a minus in my book.
As for the idea that our true selves come out - I don't believe in that. My real self is sitting here typing a response to you.
I have to take responsibility for all the messed up stuff I did - no arguments there and I wouldn't have it any other way - but the person I became when I drank was someone different - different values, different priorities.
I agree with Raymond Chandler:
“A man who drinks too much on occasion is still the same man as he was sober. An alcoholic, a real alcoholic, is not the same man at all. You can't predict anything about him for sure except that he will be someone you never met before.”
Raymond Chandler, The Long Goodbye
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,870
Originally Posted by Critter 
Thank you so much for your reply!
Whats the difference between a man who drinks too much on occasion with an alcoholic?
Whats the difference between a man who drinks too much on occasion with an alcoholic?
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,429
Sorry I thought the quote made it pretty clear.
but Ok...take my Dad - he's not an alcoholic - he shows none of the obsessiveness I did towards alcohol, but he does sometimes over indulge a little at a party or whatever.
He never changes from being the essential man he is tho - he may be a little louder and less inhibited - but he's still the same man.
He also knows when to stop.
I, on the other hand, very often did things drunk that were completely out of character to the man I know I am.
I also had no idea when to stop. More than that, I didn't want to.
D
but Ok...take my Dad - he's not an alcoholic - he shows none of the obsessiveness I did towards alcohol, but he does sometimes over indulge a little at a party or whatever.
He never changes from being the essential man he is tho - he may be a little louder and less inhibited - but he's still the same man.
He also knows when to stop.
I, on the other hand, very often did things drunk that were completely out of character to the man I know I am.
I also had no idea when to stop. More than that, I didn't want to.
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 53
You were pretty clear Dee47, its just that im at the stage of trying to find exactly what my problem is, so i needed clarificartion. I thought "hey maybe i get drunk on occassion, so maybe i dont have trouble with alcohol and i really am this person i turn into when drunk". But thats not the case.
I cant control my drinking. Ive tried almost everything throughout the years, always telling myself, this time you can control it. Now the last time i quit, was a real breakthrough for me, i realised alcohol doesnt suit me at all. Even with one beer, i dont feel good, i dont act better or anything. I am already a confident person, im a happy person, i dont turn into a mean drunk (although i had this one episode, but i was provoked). One time i woke up with blood on my face and i still have no idea how it got that way. I have had tons of blackouts and everyone of them have ended up with me doing something i did not want to.
I mean, i did somethings that crossed my mind when sober, but crossed them out immediantly as something i had no intension to do. I just hate it when people say "oh you must've really wanted to do it if you did it drunk". Im glad you guys agree that we are not our whole selves when drunk (at least thats what i understood from your replies)
Thanks for the clarification.
I cant control my drinking. Ive tried almost everything throughout the years, always telling myself, this time you can control it. Now the last time i quit, was a real breakthrough for me, i realised alcohol doesnt suit me at all. Even with one beer, i dont feel good, i dont act better or anything. I am already a confident person, im a happy person, i dont turn into a mean drunk (although i had this one episode, but i was provoked). One time i woke up with blood on my face and i still have no idea how it got that way. I have had tons of blackouts and everyone of them have ended up with me doing something i did not want to.
I mean, i did somethings that crossed my mind when sober, but crossed them out immediantly as something i had no intension to do. I just hate it when people say "oh you must've really wanted to do it if you did it drunk". Im glad you guys agree that we are not our whole selves when drunk (at least thats what i understood from your replies)
Thanks for the clarification.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 69
Hey Critter, our story is the same! I also tend to be promiscuous while drinking heavily and I carry so much guilt bc of it. Would never cheat on my man otherwise. I think about marriage but would not consider the conversation until I am able to be clean bc I too feel broken, not whole.
I share your feelings. Let's do all that we can to take a higher path and love ourselves enough to make our lives the best they can be.
It really helps to know that others have our story! Good luck.
I share your feelings. Let's do all that we can to take a higher path and love ourselves enough to make our lives the best they can be.
It really helps to know that others have our story! Good luck.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: C.C. Ma.
Posts: 3,697
Hi. The most important think for me in the beginning of my road onto sobriety was to be honest with myself about my drinking and I had so many rationalizing's. At times I don't care for the label alcoholic but I accept it as what I am which is far better than the label of being a drunk. Usually I look at it as a person who cannot drink alcohol in safety.
BE WELL
BE WELL
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Here, EH!!!
Posts: 1,337
*Sarcastic* Ya I really wanted to go to jail, to go to the hospital, I really wanted to puke my brains out, to crash multiple vehicles, to drive drunk, to injure, kill and maime multiple people in a single car crash.
Seriously, I thought I could control it or some other lie. Nothing bad will happen this time. Do I really want to mumble and drool? no.
Seriously, I thought I could control it or some other lie. Nothing bad will happen this time. Do I really want to mumble and drool? no.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 53
Thank you all for replying and sharing!
It does help! I really hope i manage this time to stay clean. I dont want to be afraid of it, i just want to say, "hey, this isnt for me, i dont like it". Exactly as i did with smoking. So maybe i can apply the same logic to drinking. Its just harder then smoking! EVERYONE offers you a drink, even if you tell them you are quitting! its so stupid! When you tell them "hey, i quit smoking", everyones like "oh im so sorry, should i go outside to smoke?"...when it comes to drinking, they are all like "oh come on, have one drink, its ok!" AAARRRGH!!
So if im counting, i can safly say im 1,5 days clean
I hope my bf will understand when i sit him down to talk. Its gonna be hard if he doesnt, it does show character.
Well, as matt4x4 said sarcastically "ofc i wanted to cheat on the best guy ive ever met and ofc i wanted to get into a fight ending up in a hospital and ofc i ALWAYS want to wake up with blood comming from my nose and bruises all over my face!! THATS ME."
Thanks again guys!!! I'll try this time to stick on here!
It does help! I really hope i manage this time to stay clean. I dont want to be afraid of it, i just want to say, "hey, this isnt for me, i dont like it". Exactly as i did with smoking. So maybe i can apply the same logic to drinking. Its just harder then smoking! EVERYONE offers you a drink, even if you tell them you are quitting! its so stupid! When you tell them "hey, i quit smoking", everyones like "oh im so sorry, should i go outside to smoke?"...when it comes to drinking, they are all like "oh come on, have one drink, its ok!" AAARRRGH!!
So if im counting, i can safly say im 1,5 days clean
I hope my bf will understand when i sit him down to talk. Its gonna be hard if he doesnt, it does show character.
Well, as matt4x4 said sarcastically "ofc i wanted to cheat on the best guy ive ever met and ofc i wanted to get into a fight ending up in a hospital and ofc i ALWAYS want to wake up with blood comming from my nose and bruises all over my face!! THATS ME."
Thanks again guys!!! I'll try this time to stick on here!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 6
Originally Posted by Critter
Ive been on these forums for some time, yet never fully active. Ive quit drinking several times in my life. I am aware i have a problem. I do not have craves for alcohol, its just that when i find free amounts of it, i cant stop drinking. I drink so much i have blackouts. Ive woke up in the morning with bruises on my face and in general yes, i can be danger to me and others around me.
I think too many people have this stereotypical idea of an alcoholic. That you have drink all day everyday and experience terrible withdrawals anytime you stop. That's just not true, especially for younger alcoholics.
I have the same problem that you do. I can go awhile without drinking, but when I do, I don't stop until I blackout. And as far as I'm concerned, that's even worse than drinking daily.
There are tons of other people on here that are like us. You can do this, and you'll find a lot of support here when you need it.
Justme
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Ojai,Ca
Posts: 44
Wow I have been here in a while. I'm so glad I read this post today! I have always struggled with drinking, I am completely one way sober and crazy once I drink! I never wanted to believe I was an alcoholic because I didn't drink everyday or get sick but when I drank 5 out of 10 times I blackout I mean I really have to make a conscious effort to not to continue to drink. Recently went to vegas and hooked up with a friend and took off by myself needed up on the floor outside my hotel door asleep, woke up and wander. How pathetic! Something horrible could of happened to me! Once my friends dropped me off in front of my house cuz I refused to go home a few days later I realized the cops came and almost arrested me but I didn't remember for a few days I completely blacked out!
I also don't want to be broken but I feel at ease knowing I'm not the only one. Thank you! I'm going to stop and not pretend I really have control I'm only kidding myself!
I also don't want to be broken but I feel at ease knowing I'm not the only one. Thank you! I'm going to stop and not pretend I really have control I'm only kidding myself!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
