JustODAAT

I have shared before that my mother is an alcoholic (although that's a truth never acknowledged in my family), and I think a lot about how I grew up and how I want my kids (who also have an alcoholic mother) to have a much different experience. It's a major motivator for my sobriety: the kind of mother I want to be.

I recently had a conversation with my mom that stunned me. She was expressing shock at a conversation she overheard between my sister-in-law and her step mother: My mom couldn't believe the way the step mom spoke to my sister in law. "Can you believe she would speak like that? So cruelly?"

Uh, yeah mom, I can. Because you've spoken to me like that all my life. Only you don't remember it, because you always black out afterwards. And then you wonder why I'm so pissy with you in the morning, why I don't want to confide in you (because you throw it back in my face when you're drunk), why there's always such a distance between us.

I think black outs mean we're missing half of the reality of the relationships we're building with other people. I shudder to think what my husband remembers, holds, incorporates into his understanding of me that I've completely forgotten. Even worse is thinking about the parts of my relationships with my children I've forgotten.

Today's sobriety means I'll remember and be responsible for and actively choose all of my interactions with my loved ones today. Today's sobriety means no more black outs.

lrj

Depending on the severity of the action, I can tell you, as a husband who's had to deal with black outs on both sides of the spousal aisle, now that they don't happen any more, I never think about them with regards to my wife.

It just seems like that was a different person to me now, and I think that compartmentalization is important.

All it takes is time. Time, and a reminder why you're such an awesome wife now

Turninganewleaf

The scariest part of blackouts is that you are still held criminally for any crimes you commit. You may get arrested for something and have no idea if you are really guilty or not.

SillyString

That is pretty scary. I mean, if you cannot retain information beyond say a few minutes, how can you legally be in control of yourself. One cannot give consent legally for sex if too drunk - but can be held criminally accountable for illegal activity? Something doesn't make sense there.

I am told that I would say all kinds of things that I would never say, or honestly even think, while sober. My DH would tell me I said this or that, and I would seriously look at him in complete astonishment. He accused me all the time of just "pretending" not to remember (even though he has experienced being in a blackout, and knows it's real...). I think being in a blackout is like dreaming with your eyes open. Any crazy thing can be said, or happen, and you're just along for the ride. I firmly believe, you are no longer in control of your mind, your mouth or your actions while in a blackout. It can seem like you are - but you're not. I think the trouble is how does an outside party accurately assess (after the fact) what you were and were not aware of...? That's the pickle.

letustrythis123

Scary.

Had blackouts especially at the end with dh. For some reason, I was careful in front of kids before they went to bed. I'd keep a steady buzz but it was on it's way to get worse.

sissy4444

I was a binge drinker so it almost ended in a blackout... Often with me saying vile horrible things to my husband and children... Swearing and and name calling.... This is a cross I will have to bear for the rest of my life

JustODAAT

Thank you all for your replies. It helps to have other people "thinking" about this with me.

I know with my mom, it doesn't matter to me whether she remembered or not. She said what she said and it hurt me. When I got old enough to understand she wouldn't remember what she said, it still didn't absolve her in my mind.

Hearing some of the things I have said and done through a black out...I don't absolve myself either.

alexc1991

I, luckily, didn't have too bad of blackouts. I just would barely remember going to bed or making the conscious decision to go to bed. I would also, unintentionally, leave my alcohol glass around the house. I'd wake up the next morning, hungover as all hell and freak out when I'd see my glass of whatever I was drinking sitting there, out in the open on the dining room table. I'd freak out, hoping no one saw it or at least looked to see what was in there.

Stung

I totally agree with this. I'm not an alcoholic (my husband is) and his worst behavior was when he was blackout drunk. Afterwards he would be really upset (sad and remorseful) and not remember what happened even when I told him in detail. For me, I'm more upset about stuff that he has said/done when he was sober than when he was blackout drunk. I have zero experience with alcoholic parents but I don't think about my husband's blackout drunk behavior unless it's specifically brought up.

gleefan

It's so well articulated that during blackout we say and do things we'd never say or do sober, much less think about. I've blacked out often. Usually I'd be able to retrace my steps, but for the last couple months, there have been progressively more holes in my memory. It's a horrible feeling, and the main reason I've sought sobriety.

Riel

If it wasn't for alcohol, court lists would be pretty short.

Depending on the jurisdiction voluntary intoxication could negate the mens rea (guilty mind) requirement for certain offenses. And intoxication can be a mitigating factor at sentencing, particularly if it caused the offender to act out of character.

But if voluntary intoxication were a defense, criminals could practice their calling with impunity by simply staying drunk.