jdooner

I am currently on the road. My wife called me last night before I went to bed and conveyed how she would like to entertain another couple from my daughter's private school. They are our age, similar backgrounds and also thinking of buying a ski house where we are looking.

My wife is also sober but shameful that she stopped, despite enjoying a more enriched sober life now. She asked me if I could not talk about my addiction or the fact that I am sober. This is difficult for me. Our guests own one of the major brewing companies (family business), so I am sure alcohol will come up. Further, as I prepare dinner and serve wine, I will abstain. I try to be as honest as possible but not talk about my issues unless asked and then I am usually forthcoming. My wife and I disagree but she feels this puts people off, as we are not fun anymore and I am often too serious (I can see this and agree to an extent).

I feel as if what my wife is asking from me is if I was gay to pretending to be straight for a dinner - its inauthentic to my personality. I am someone who does not drink and an addict to boot. I think my anxiety and fear has more to do with my wife not accepting that life has changed and not embracing and instead trying to hide what I am actually proud of - so what does that mean for us longer term?

Anyhow, I thought I would put it out there.

doggonecarl

I seek out friends with common interests. Brewing beer, even the business of brewing beer, isn't one of them.

Good luck.

By the way, I talk about my recovery at the drop of a hat. If it bothers my wife, she hasn't told me yet.

alphaomega

Who knows, if they come from an alcohol based family business, chances are, one or both are in recovery as well...

No shame in your journey. None.

jdooner

Thanks AO. As I ponder and reread my post I think this has more to do with my wife and I than anyone we are hosting. The core issue is acceptance of me. Does the woman I married accept me. Acceptance has been such a key part of my addiction and I see it coming out here.

RobbyRobot

As you continue to grow in your sobriety and personal life JD, you'll eventually be able to have your cake and eat it too, imo. My wife and I entertained some close family for her mother's birthday. We flew in family from Boston to Ottawa and others drove in from Toronto, and we served beer, wine, and alcohol. It was a great party for all concerned. Of course my wife and I did not drink, goes without saying, and it made no difference to our guests that the hosts didn't drink.

In fact, one person who was a girlfriend of a relative was very interested in our not drinking. When I did respond to her inquiries, I made sure to be light and forthcoming in my identifying as a non-drinker. Humor goes along way to make an otherwise awkward moment into something everybody could make sense of respective to myself and my wife being recovered alcoholics.

People know when they hear the real deal about a guy talking about his past experiences with alcoholism. And when the deal is real, they don't at the same time feel weird drinking in front of the sober guy. Both my wife and I had a wonderful time, and so did everyone else. It was a total BYOB, and when they left they took their drinks with them, goes without saying.

Given enough time and sober experience, I'm sure both you and your wife will easily be able to entertain your guests without drama or angst. It's a learned thing, really.

alphaomega

Sounds like to me, shes trying to keep up with the Joneses'. Doesn't want to be judged based on a less than "perfect" life. Dog and pony show sort of thinking.

But I have gotten the feeling all along that she got sober because you told her if she didn't you two were done.

And we both know you can't get sober for anyone else but you...

Maybe shes not really on board with giving up the perceived fun and she just went along with it ? Maybe ?

jdooner

Thanks - food for thought and certain much to ponder. One good thing about being in therapy is there is never shortage of topics to discuss. Thanks Robby and AO, I appreciate both of your comments.

ScottFromWI

Just invite them over to dinner and don't serve any alcohol. Both of you don't drink so unless they bring alcohol with it shouldn't even be part of the equation. It doesn't need to be that complicated. If you find that they are heavy drinkers and the object to the lack of alcohol in your home, they probably aren't friends you want anyway.

jaynie04

I'm sort of on the other side of the fence. There was a big party (I posted a thread about it) this fall that intersected a lot of different groups in our lives. I didn't go but my husband did and a few hours before he left he asked me if he could tell a few specific close friends that I had quit drinking. I said yes, but have regretted it immensely ever since. I was furious at myself but also at him for what I felt what his codependence and need to please others. I felt like he offered up my issue as an olive branch to explain why I had disappeared from the social scene, didn't go to the beach this summer etc.

In retrospect I think he put everyone in an uncomfortable spot. Telling people that night made it sound like I couldn't go to the party without vaulting the bar and attacking the bartender for a drink. I wish I had thought it through and done it in my own time of my own accord.

I received emails the next day from a few people but have been too horrified to call anyone. I feel like he put us all in a ridiculous spot. It is a bell that can't be unrung. I appreciate that he is proud of me, but I was less than 100 days sober then, making major decisions should have been delayed.

We are married close to 20 years and I think this is the biggest resentment I have ever had with him. Part of what I love about him is the fact that he is concerned about others, but I feel like I got thrown under the bus as a hostess gift. I feel like I have to deal with mending fences that shouldn't have been gouged in the first place.

JD, I think that meeting people for the first time is easier than having to tell people you have known for a long time. If you've never socialized with these people I think it gives you a lot more room to maneuver. I would caution you based on my experience about doing anything that doesn't feel 100% right to YOU and think it through, because I am having a tough time working through the fact that I feel like my hand got played for me.

My mother-in-law owns and lives on a vineyard, and my father-in-law's family owned some of the largest hops fields in the world. Because it is a family business I found myself on the phone with her a month ago talking about who she was selling what grapes to, which vineyard was getting the Cabs or the Chards. It struck me as we were well into the conversation that I was discussing it with her just like I would any other family business. However it is still a big part of our lives. I opted out of a family vacation over Christmas. They all know me too well and the fact that I am not drinking is just not something I am willing to have to explain….yet. I would have an easier time going out with new people.

Hope this helps, feeling pressured about what to say or not to say is not a good feeling.

TigerLili

I have a very different viewpoint. My alcoholism and recovery would be the LAST thing up for discussion with new acquaintances. If I met someone and their conversation was all about how they used to do x and they don't any more, I would think it was weird and I would be very uncomfortable. What about talking about movies, news, books, etc? Why does addiction and sobriety need to be on the table for discussion?

My problems are only a topic of discussion with people I know will understand - other people in recovery. I don't discuss it with my friends or family because I know they won't get it and it will be a burden to them to have the extra worry of knowing this information about me. It will create unnecessary drama.

I wouldn't serve wine and if it came up, I'd just say we don't drink and leave it at that. If pressed, I would say it gives me migraines, don't need the extra calories etc. I can't help but think that an opening gambit of we don't drink, we're alcoholics, might be the last I'd see of that acquaintance. In fact, in my dating life, when men find out I don't drink, that's often the last I see of them. I can't imagine the escalation of drama if I told them WHY I don't drink. I think I'd be quickly put in the 'psycho girl' basket. Not that I mind weeding out people who only want to be around drinkers, but revealing very personal information very early in the piece is not always appropriate. I dated a guy for 6 months and still didn't tell him I was in recovery. It's need to know information.

I was friends with someone for 5 years before I discovered she was in AA, too.

BradJustBrad

I'm with TigerLili. I'm about as inclined to start a conversation with a new acquaintance about my sobriety as I am about my morning shaving routine. If someone expresses intense interest, I can go into it, but I would prefer to talk about other things.

foolsgold66

You could punt. Just say no, now isn't the right time to have that dinner with your disagreement about how to handle it.

alphaomega

I'm really weird when it comes to things like this. I would MUCH rather have a conversation about ANYTHING that is meaningful in my life, my sobriety included, than spend hours engaged small talk. That makes me want to poke my eyes out with a stick.

Blah Blah weather. Blah blah riding lessons. Blah blah I drive a fancy car.
Just shoot me now.

But getting deep ? Over a bottle of San Pelligrino ?

Oh yeah baby. That's my kinda dinner party.

I have enough aquaintences that I make "Shi Shi Poo Poo" with.
Gimme the broken toys anyday over the perfect ones. The ones who will share their REAL life experiences with me.

Drives my poor DH crazy.

freethinking

I'd be very embarrassed if my spouse brought up his sobriety to new people we were being friendly with. I don't think it is an outrageous request.

TigerLili

I have plenty of real life experiences to talk about that don't include my alcoholism. Not wanting to get into details of my addiction with virtual strangers doesn't mean I don't talk about deep and meaningful things, or that I'm some shallow, vapid, status-seeking fool.

There's a spectrum. It's not a black and white, either/or situation.

I don't engage in small talk with my friends. We talk about our lives and what's going on in great detail, except my alcoholism. They wouldn't get it.

alphaomega

I was in NO WAY referring to you whatsoever.

Only stating my viewpoint to someone who asked for perspectives.

Sorry if you found it to be directed at you personally. It absolutely was not.

anyistoomuch

JD- have you asked your wife why she is worried about you talking about it? has she explained her thinking?

Notimetoloose

Yes, I am with freethinking. New acquaintances, daughters school.

This is a dinner party and I am sure you and your wife will be a great hosts and make sure your guest are comfortable.

It is wonderful that your sobriety is front and centre of everything in your life.

I dont believe that this is an occasion to bring up your addiction status.

I am familiar with their industry. I have no hesitation in assuming that they are very aware of alcoholism in their industry but they will attribute it to the person not the industry.

If these acquaintances evolve into something more. Perhaps, then.

Dee74

I applaud your courage your commitment and your passion JD...

but like it or not alcoholism carries a stigma with it, and you outing yourself will have repercussions not only for you, but your wife, and if these are people from your kids school, it will involve your children too.

I've never had a conversation about my alcoholism with people I've just met. Ever. The most the conversation has ever been is

'No thanks,. I don't drink'
'Oh! why not?'
'personal choice. alcohol doesn't agree with me'
'Oh ok'

I'm not ashamed of my alcoholism - at all. If someone comes to me for help, they'll get my whole story.

I don't feel I'm being dishonest either - I'm simply mindful that such dinners are not all about me.

There are appropriate times for those conversation..and there are inappropriate times too.

jdooner

My wife has a point and I understand it. Our kids go to a fairly exclusive private school. The process to get in is nothing shy of a prostate exam. Part of acceptance is being part of a community and there is a social aspect to this. God forbid we become "those" people that can't drink. I think part of this is a fear my wife has and I believe this is legitimate and founded. The other aspect is reaching out to new people. I grew up with this kid in grade school but he went off to private school and I did not. He knew I was a big skier and they want to be friendly and are interested in getting together up in the mountains - they too are looking at a ski house in the same town and were thrilled to here we are too from a social perspective. I have said nothing about the drinking. I don't even know if he drinks but he owns a whiskey company, so I am guessing he at least does socially.

I have a tendency to be open about what I am going through and my wife is much more guarded. I feel like others can't touch me now bc of my success (perhaps ego here) and so why be ashamed of things I have done that have made me who I am. That said, I need to keep myself in check so I don't let my wife and kids get caught in the collateral damage, as they could be ostracized by my actions.

I think my wife's concerns are reinforced by your responses so thank you.