anyistoomuch

I think there is a time and place for everything, and if you are in a situation where you or your family's ability to live the way you want could be affected by other's perceptions of the type of people you are, then maybe its best to "play the part" for now. Chances are you'll get to know these folks better down the line and will become friends and not just acquaintances, and you can let your guard down and share more.

Leshar

Hi, what concerns me a little in your original post is that your wife feels that as a couple, you are not fun anymore. Do you really believe this is so? And why would your wife feel shameful about being sober?

Sorry, perhaps that is another issue. Regarding your dinner party, I'd say to your guests, we don't drink, but we are serving such and such, please feel free to bring your own wine.
Good company, good conversation and hopefully a few chuckles can all be had without booze. I'm so tired of the "you're not fun anymore" jab.

Good luck!

EndGameNYC

Hi JD.

As is true of many written comments, no matter where you find them, the heart of the issue is found in the last few sentences.

Your summary statements suggest that this is more a "wife and I" issue than an affront to either your identity or authenticity.

Making new acquaintances, including couples, is just like beginning any new relationship. When I invite a woman to share a meal with me, I don't prepare with the intention of discussing my alcoholism and my recovery. We don't spill all the beans in the first get together. To do so is fraught with social risks and, in the end, unnecessary. Your wife and child seem to have more to lose than you do in your being forthcoming about your recovery, and once the truth is out there, it can never be taken back or even modified.

If your goal for the evening is to get to know these people by making them feel comfortable, you run the risk of damaging this effort with full disclosure. As Dee commented, there is a stigma attached to alcoholism, and it applies on both sides. People who don't struggle with my problems are often stigmatized in much more subtle ways than are alcoholics, if only because they don't "get it" and are often experienced as indifferent, unfeeling or even callous in their attitudes and behaviors towards alcoholics.

You and your wife are at different places in your recovery, and though it may be frustrating for you, that's fine. Just as you want her to respect where you are in your recovery, she too is asking that you accept her where she's at. There's nothing you can do or should attempt to force her to "catch up" with you and your recovery. Your success as a father, a husband and a businessman does not need to stand on the details of your alcoholism and your recovery; it speaks for itself.

I think a good compromise is simply to allow yourselves to be open to getting to know these people and having a good time with them, and to defer unnecessary and potentially unsettling details about your personal lives for another time. You needn't require your guests to process what is a long and painful process for you, and one about which they may know or understand very little. This holds true in virtually all social circumstances. If it were me, I'd see no reason to discuss either my alcoholism or my recovery with them during our first time out, and I'm not at all shy or shameful about my recovery.

In reference to your OP, would you be as willing to discuss your drinking with this couple were you still an active alcoholic because doing so would reflect a more authentic you? To explain, for example, that you're drinking so much at dinner because when you start, you can't stop until you're fully drunk or you pass out? Also, being gay is a gender/sexual preference and a lifestyle; alcoholism is an affliction or, as many describe it, a "disease," and recovery is the solution. Being sensitive to the feelings of others is not the same as holding secrets about ourselves.

If you and your wife hit it off with this couple, there will be plenty of opportunities to discuss all manner of personal experiences with them down the line. If you part ways without building a friendship, then nothing is lost.

I agree that the "problem" seems to be between you and your wife, and that it would be unwise for everyone involved to use dinner with this couple as a testing ground for where you and your wife are at in your relationship. I simply don't see a single good reason to bring this up at this time.

Diva76

Just to piggy back off of what Dee shared...
I'm actually not an alcoholic, but I prefer not to drink...
If someone offers me a drink, I simply say, "no, thank you...I don't drink."
Most of the time the host/hostess accepts this and offers me a non-alcoholic alternative....

Nowadays it seems that more and more people choose not to drink whether or not they have issues with alcohol and it's usually not a problem...

If it is, then I would question whether or not this person has issues of their own to deal with....

Good luck....