The drinking crowd
lillyknitting
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Loughton, Essex, England
Posts: 638
The drinking crowd
Sorry about the confusion in the title. The other aspect of my life is about losing what I really believed was a true friend, of the human kind, lol.
About a month or so ago I decided on this particular occasion I did not want to join the usual furore on a Friday night. As I've mentioned before on this subject; meet at this friend's house, drink as much as you can, then trot off down the seedy scum whole they call the pub. Well folks, guess what? This "friend" hasn't spoken/txt/communicated with me since then! This person who declared she loved me like a sister, I was her best friend, nearest & dearest etc. I find this behaviour inexplicable! I find it immature to say the least and now that time has passed between us and she has made no attempt to contact me whatsoever I really don't want to know any more.
I'm just going through all of this in my mind, that's why I've not posted for a while. Almost like a grieving process. I've known this person for over ten years and cannot believe it, but I can't go back now because I've made my decision and if that's how she treats me she's not a true friend. Just one of the drinking crowd. Thoughts please.x
About a month or so ago I decided on this particular occasion I did not want to join the usual furore on a Friday night. As I've mentioned before on this subject; meet at this friend's house, drink as much as you can, then trot off down the seedy scum whole they call the pub. Well folks, guess what? This "friend" hasn't spoken/txt/communicated with me since then! This person who declared she loved me like a sister, I was her best friend, nearest & dearest etc. I find this behaviour inexplicable! I find it immature to say the least and now that time has passed between us and she has made no attempt to contact me whatsoever I really don't want to know any more.
I'm just going through all of this in my mind, that's why I've not posted for a while. Almost like a grieving process. I've known this person for over ten years and cannot believe it, but I can't go back now because I've made my decision and if that's how she treats me she's not a true friend. Just one of the drinking crowd. Thoughts please.x
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 465
I'm sorry you're dealing with this, Lilly. I was friends with someone for a couple years who cut me off in a similar way. I was really hurt for the longest time, wondered what I did, why she did it, etc...eventually I realized that she was the one with the issue and who couldn't communicate like an adult (I tried multiple times). She eventually moved away and honestly, my life is better without her drama...even though sometimes the whole thing stings a little.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,870
I think, when we truly decide to live sober, it scares some of our "friends." But then, that is what determines who is a real friend and who is just a drinking buddy.
Sometimes it hurts to know that what we thought was a true friendship was actually something much less. I'm sorry you lost what you thought was a true friend. I know it hurts. ((((HUGS))))
Sometimes it hurts to know that what we thought was a true friendship was actually something much less. I'm sorry you lost what you thought was a true friend. I know it hurts. ((((HUGS))))
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Canada
Posts: 3,993
I empathize with you. It hurts. The exact same thing has happened to me.
I guess you do find out who your true friends are through this process.
I'm sorry you have to go through this.
Sadly, I think it happens to many of us.
I guess you do find out who your true friends are through this process.
I'm sorry you have to go through this.
Sadly, I think it happens to many of us.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: North US
Posts: 174
lilly, I assume you are still young? It seems that some younger folks personal lives revolve around drinking. It doesn't necessarily make them alcoholics though. I think your friend may be afraid that you will want her to stop drinking with you? I had reached a point in my drinking career that no one wanted me to drink. Even the "street people" told me I had a drink problem.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 183
Lily,
This must hurt. Maybe she is threatened by you not drinking? Is there any possibility that she has been consumed with work or something? If not, and she is not responding to you, then you need to take care of you and your sobriety. I'm very sorry that you are going through this on top of being newly sober. It's hard, but so with it.
Hugs,
SillyString
This must hurt. Maybe she is threatened by you not drinking? Is there any possibility that she has been consumed with work or something? If not, and she is not responding to you, then you need to take care of you and your sobriety. I'm very sorry that you are going through this on top of being newly sober. It's hard, but so with it.
Hugs,
SillyString
lillyknitting
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Loughton, Essex, England
Posts: 638
Originally Posted by Turninganewleaf 
lilly, I assume you are still young? It seems that some younger folks personal lives revolve around drinking. It doesn't necessarily make them alcoholics though. I think your friend may be afraid that you will want her to stop drinking with you? I had reached a point in my drinking career that no one wanted me to drink. Even the "street people" told me I had a drink problem.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: CA
Posts: 648
It must be difficult for you to be going through this, but, at the same time, it's a good lesson in showing who your REAL friends are. If you were to continue to hang out with this person you would have most likely spiraled down into another cycle of drinking. So now, the next step is to make friends who aren't as involved in that life. It may be hard to make friends with people who don't drink, but as long as you're not making friends who just party all the time in their free time, it should be fine.
I have a friend that I work with who I've been to raves with. We'd both get completely messed up on Ecstasy and alcohol, but we didn't do this all the time. I of course I was getting drunk by myself in my free time, but she doesn't know about that. The good thing with me and her is that our friendship doesn't revolve around getting messed up. We haven't been to a bar in a LONG time (not that we went to bars too often anyways), and she's even said she hasn't drank alcohol in awhile. We go shopping together and go to theme parks together quite a lot, none of which include alcohol. I'd suggest maybe going to some meetings and making friends who are in the same boat as you. Maybe that will help.
I have a friend that I work with who I've been to raves with. We'd both get completely messed up on Ecstasy and alcohol, but we didn't do this all the time. I of course I was getting drunk by myself in my free time, but she doesn't know about that. The good thing with me and her is that our friendship doesn't revolve around getting messed up. We haven't been to a bar in a LONG time (not that we went to bars too often anyways), and she's even said she hasn't drank alcohol in awhile. We go shopping together and go to theme parks together quite a lot, none of which include alcohol. I'd suggest maybe going to some meetings and making friends who are in the same boat as you. Maybe that will help.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Hillsborough, NJ
Posts: 267
Originally Posted by lillyknitting
Sorry about the confusion in the title. The other aspect of my life is about losing what I really believed was a true friend, of the human kind, lol.
About a month or so ago I decided on this particular occasion I did not want to join the usual furore on a Friday night. As I've mentioned before on this subject; meet at this friend's house, drink as much as you can, then trot off down the seedy scum whole they call the pub. Well folks, guess what? This "friend" hasn't spoken/txt/communicated with me since then! This person who declared she loved me like a sister, I was her best friend, nearest & dearest etc. I find this behaviour inexplicable! I find it immature to say the least and now that time has passed between us and she has made no attempt to contact me whatsoever I really don't want to know any more.
I'm just going through all of this in my mind, that's why I've not posted for a while. Almost like a grieving process. I've known this person for over ten years and cannot believe it, but I can't go back now because I've made my decision and if that's how she treats me she's not a true friend. Just one of the drinking crowd. Thoughts please.x
About a month or so ago I decided on this particular occasion I did not want to join the usual furore on a Friday night. As I've mentioned before on this subject; meet at this friend's house, drink as much as you can, then trot off down the seedy scum whole they call the pub. Well folks, guess what? This "friend" hasn't spoken/txt/communicated with me since then! This person who declared she loved me like a sister, I was her best friend, nearest & dearest etc. I find this behaviour inexplicable! I find it immature to say the least and now that time has passed between us and she has made no attempt to contact me whatsoever I really don't want to know any more.
I'm just going through all of this in my mind, that's why I've not posted for a while. Almost like a grieving process. I've known this person for over ten years and cannot believe it, but I can't go back now because I've made my decision and if that's how she treats me she's not a true friend. Just one of the drinking crowd. Thoughts please.x
Well, just thought I'd let you know that you are not alone...
My last boyfriend, (who I met when I was 13 years old) pushed me away because I didn't care for the drinking.....
Although 15 years went by before we met again as adults and another 3 years passed before we became romantically involved makes no difference whatsoever, when the "demon" is in charge.....
I hear you though....In both our cases, you would think with the amount of years invested and overall history that we would be more important than the bottle...
Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way....
No, she is not a true friend, and I know how much this hurts.....
If she's anything like my ex, she probably doesn't even realize what she's throwing away......
It seems to me that you are much better off breaking away from this crowd anyhow....
I can also relate to the grieving process you mentioned.....
I broke up with my guy a little more than 2 years ago and while I'm not nearly as distraught as I once was, I still have my moments......
It sounds like you are early in your recovery, and I will tell you what I told him....
When you do finally leave the bars behind for good, you'll find out almost immediately who your real friends are.....
In other words, try not to be surprised if this happens again with some of your other friendships....
Please remember, it has nothing at all to do with you....(Yes, I needed to hear that too)
She may have her own issues with alcohol and the lifestyle changes you are making is something she's not ready to face yet....
It would be much too hard for her to continue drinking without feeling tremendous amounts of guilt over it, so pushing you away makes it much easier for her to continue down that path.....
Thank you for sharing.....
I hope you feel better soon.....
Linda
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Floripa
Posts: 121
Maybe she thinks of herself to be an alcoholic and deep down wishes she believed she could live otherwise and because that is about maintaining denialism to herself then you remind her of that and she needs be resentful of you even though she doesnt know it but its subconsciously about that.
Grateful to be free
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,680
I understand this hurts, but I want to do a little flip side, because I think that sometimes we don't consider the other side of it.
Sometimes our old group feels like we left them, drifted away, found a different interest and some different hang outs and recovery friends, and we don't relate to them in the same way.
They aren't sure what's going on with us, but we've changed, talk different, act different...don't want to participate in the same old fun activities...they don't know what to do with us, say to us.
Sometimes people in early recovery are pretty emotional, all over the place, sometimes we get very holier than thou, sometimes we try to save all our friends from our old vices, sometimes it seems we need to be handled with kid gloves.
This often happens in a group of friends, or between friends when a major life change takes place, getting a new partner, divorce, having a baby,joining or leaving a religion etc.
If we think on it, we likely will find a time when we were on the other side of a situation like this.
It does hurt, but it is human nature. These things impact the dynamics of relationships. We made significant changes in our life, and that does impact every area of our lives. That is the point of recovery, there are casualties along the way.
Sometimes our old group feels like we left them, drifted away, found a different interest and some different hang outs and recovery friends, and we don't relate to them in the same way.
They aren't sure what's going on with us, but we've changed, talk different, act different...don't want to participate in the same old fun activities...they don't know what to do with us, say to us.
Sometimes people in early recovery are pretty emotional, all over the place, sometimes we get very holier than thou, sometimes we try to save all our friends from our old vices, sometimes it seems we need to be handled with kid gloves.
This often happens in a group of friends, or between friends when a major life change takes place, getting a new partner, divorce, having a baby,joining or leaving a religion etc.
If we think on it, we likely will find a time when we were on the other side of a situation like this.
It does hurt, but it is human nature. These things impact the dynamics of relationships. We made significant changes in our life, and that does impact every area of our lives. That is the point of recovery, there are casualties along the way.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Vashon WA
Posts: 1,035
I was that "at least I'm not as bad as he is" guy. When I quit drinking and dumped that role it really freaked some of my "friends" out. It's very threatening to people who are worried about their own drinking I guess. Early on I made an honest effort to tell them that I didn't care about their drinking because that seemed important to me at the time. Now I don't care. I don't need to prove myself to drunks and make them feel comfortable around me. Sorry but now I think drunk people are a waste of my time!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Hillsborough, NJ
Posts: 267
Originally Posted by Threshold
I understand this hurts, but I want to do a little flip side, because I think that sometimes we don't consider the other side of it.
Sometimes our old group feels like we left them, drifted away, found a different interest and some different hang outs and recovery friends, and we don't relate to them in the same way.
They aren't sure what's going on with us, but we've changed, talk different, act different...don't want to participate in the same old fun activities...they don't know what to do with us, say to us.
Sometimes people in early recovery are pretty emotional, all over the place, sometimes we get very holier than thou, sometimes we try to save all our friends from our old vices, sometimes it seems we need to be handled with kid gloves.
This often happens in a group of friends, or between friends when a major life change takes place, getting a new partner, divorce, having a baby,joining or leaving a religion etc.
If we think on it, we likely will find a time when we were on the other side of a situation like this.
It does hurt, but it is human nature. These things impact the dynamics of relationships. We made significant changes in our life, and that does impact every area of our lives. That is the point of recovery, there are casualties along the way.
Sometimes our old group feels like we left them, drifted away, found a different interest and some different hang outs and recovery friends, and we don't relate to them in the same way.
They aren't sure what's going on with us, but we've changed, talk different, act different...don't want to participate in the same old fun activities...they don't know what to do with us, say to us.
Sometimes people in early recovery are pretty emotional, all over the place, sometimes we get very holier than thou, sometimes we try to save all our friends from our old vices, sometimes it seems we need to be handled with kid gloves.
This often happens in a group of friends, or between friends when a major life change takes place, getting a new partner, divorce, having a baby,joining or leaving a religion etc.
If we think on it, we likely will find a time when we were on the other side of a situation like this.
It does hurt, but it is human nature. These things impact the dynamics of relationships. We made significant changes in our life, and that does impact every area of our lives. That is the point of recovery, there are casualties along the way.
This is so true...and very well said...
Thank you for sharing....
-Linda
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 4,682
Friendships are usually conditional, but let's say that in your case the friendship was supposedly unconditional. If it was unconditional then no matter what you did that person would still consider you a friend BUT they would still be well within their rights to back away from you if they did not agree with a choice you had made still in the hope that you may come to your senses in the future.
So...either your relationship was conditional and based on common interests etc. or it is unconditional and they have backed away from you until you come to your senses and return to the person that you were before.
Either way the relationship doesn't really fit into your new sober life.
Took me a while to figure all that out.
So...either your relationship was conditional and based on common interests etc. or it is unconditional and they have backed away from you until you come to your senses and return to the person that you were before.
Either way the relationship doesn't really fit into your new sober life.
Took me a while to figure all that out.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Dallas, Texas
Posts: 9
I so understand how you feel. When I returned from rehab my "best friend" asked me out to dinner and basically told me what ME going to rehab did to HER. I lost a lot of friends when I got clean and sober. That was one of the hardest things to go through. But I had to realize it was always all about her and never about our friendship. It's a hard thing to realize who your real friends are. But honestly if they can't support your choices, then you really don't need them.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 3,359
Have you spoken to her about how you feel? She might not know how to broach the subject and feels like there is a chasm between the two of you. Perhaps you building the bridge might help?
Alternatively you might represent a mirror that she is not ready to look at?
While it might sting a little, it sounds like a very healthy lesson whatever the outcome may be. I don't think its clear at this point either - you might find you have determined the outcome in your mind but that might not be reality.
Good luck and congrats on your sobriety.
Alternatively you might represent a mirror that she is not ready to look at?
While it might sting a little, it sounds like a very healthy lesson whatever the outcome may be. I don't think its clear at this point either - you might find you have determined the outcome in your mind but that might not be reality.
Good luck and congrats on your sobriety.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
