RocketQueen

So, I've only just realised that I've clocked up over a year of sobriety and I have been spending the night (it's 3am here) thinking about my journey thus far. It hasn't been a pretty one.

Y'see, I'm lying here right now wondering when the hell it's going to get any better. I don't feel like I've achieved anything. Sure, I don't drink copious amounts of alcohol anymore, but nothing else has changed for the better. I'm still waiting for that "I feel so amazing, so inspired, so ALIVE!" moment that I read about so often to happen. Instead I've had over a years worth of withdrawals and what feels like a 24/7 hangover. Not as awesome as I was expecting.

Scott6433

I can relate. I gather we have to crawl before we can walk or something to that effect. I'm sure you have heard the term, "dry drunk." For me it least, quitting drinking was the easy part. It's reorganizing and re-training the behavior that's the tough part. Especially when the behavior was in me long before I ever even thought about my first drink. Congrats on over a year now. I do know one thing and that's that you have without question achieved something. You know as well as I do if we were still drinking....well....THEN we would have accomplished nothing and that's a fact. We will figure this out one day. If not then I guess this world fooled me too. Hang in there.

P.s. I have half the sober time you guys do so I want to honestly commend both of you on your continued perseverance.

pickles999

i am 1 1/2 year sober wondering the same thing.i have a little hope that it will.so your not alone.

KateL

Well done for your sobriety, all. Give it time. Things do get better, perhaps you are just a bit down anyways. It happens to us all. Why don't you have a word with your doctor? XXXXX

EverySngleNight

I relate too. Sometimes I feel like nothing is improving. But, there are things- however small, that have improved. Getting/staying sober isn't easy, that's for sure. Can you think of some things that have changed for the better?

HUGE congrats on your year!! That's amazing. :-)

Dee74

Congratulations Rocket Queen

I know what you mean - I kinda assumed that once I was sober everything else would be AWESOME....but everything else pretty much stayed the same....

I found that I still had more work to do, more changes to make, and more patience was required if I wanted my life (and myself) a different way.

That was what my year two was all about

D

RocketQueen

Thanks guys. Glad to hear I'm not the only one. This last year has just been horrible. Depression and anxiety has increased ten-fold to the point where I'm basically house bound. Even if I wanted to drink (which I don't - lets just be completely clear about that), I couldn't anyway because it would involve leaving the house lol. The only time I actually do leave the house is to visit the GP and/or my psychologist. Geez, reading that back it seems like a really sad and pathetic existence.

I dunno. Perhaps my expectations were too high. Reality really does suck.

fini

RQ,
yeah, expectations get in the way of being okay with what is.
but the thing that really jumped out at me in your post was the "i'm still waiting...". i realize you said you're still waiting for a specific feeling, but...the waiting itself for something to happen , well, i've done it, still doing it. it doesn't seem to work that way. works better if i work at making things better, different.
little steps, daily.

habsfan18

I was a month sober, which I was pretty happy about but it all ended on Friday. I passed out a at bar, made a fool of myself and worried a lot of my friends and especially my parents that had to take care of me for the whole night as I was in danger of choking in my own vomit. You realize how amazing it is to be sober when you think about these moments we probably all had. I think it's more the feeling (remorse) you don't have that we should all be looking for. Congratulations on your year and a week and continue like that! PS: Sorry about my english, it's not my first language.

Leshar

Hello, RocketQueen,

I applaud you for persevering in your sobriety despite what sounds like great disappointment and disillusionment. That takes a lot of courage and commitment.

I do really identify with what you have written. I'm at 7 months and have been experiencing a worsening of a pre existing MDD. I don't know if it is the PAWS phenomenon that I've learned about on SR, or what it is really. Like you, I too am a bit housebound and fear actually becoming a bit agoraphobic, so I know I need to work on that.

I don't know your story but I'm glad you posted how you are feeling. Sometimes I get more than envious when I read here how amazing and wonderful people are feeling as they embrace sobriety, and I'm left feeling like for me, "is this all there is?"
But what I've learned from SR is that I'm willing to suspend my skepticism and just plod along, having a little faith that I will make even small increments of improvement.
Drinking wasn't working, that's for sure.

Do you have confidence in your medical supports? Do they know you are struggling so much? I do feel for you, if its not being presumptuous, I do think I understand how you feel. I don't wish to sound trite, but for me, the encouragement to just try and take small steps when I'm feeling lower than low does help. Sometimes I just want to lash out in anger at people, like, "you idiots! You just don't GET it!" It's very lonely, but that is just more self destructive behaviour on my part. It's just one foot in front of the other sometimes, and knowing that people do want the best for me, and sometimes feel helpless to help me.

I just want to say that I feel for you in your present reality. Please don't give up hope that things may yet be a little brighter for you. You've obviously worked hard to get this far, hold on to that achievement!
We're all in this together!

Take care.

RocketQueen

Thank you. I'm clinging on for dear life that there actually is some strength in me due to me being able to quit drinking, withdraw and raise a child at the same time all on my own with no monitoring, support or encouragement from anyone (except you guys, you guys rock).

I see that you mentioned PAWS. I actually had never heard of that until tonight. I have spent this last year agonising over why I still feel so ill so long after the initial expected withdrawal period. Multitudes of medical tests later, I'm wondering if this is what I'm experiencing.... Maybe I'm not dying from some undiagnosed, rare disease that no one has ever thought of as my mind has led me to believe... Maybe there is a light!

DoPerdition

Think of it this way. Things aren't perfect and they never will be. But they would be a whole lot worse today if you were drunk or hungover.

Great job on a year and a week!

RocketQueen

If you hadn't mentioned it, I wouldn't have known English wasn't your first language

My problem is that my remorse and guilt hasn't left. I still feel it every day, just in a different way. Possibly even more so because I'm not numbing myself anymore. I haven't been able to let go of or even begin to repair the damage I've done to my life, because I'm still physically and mentally ill.

RocketQueen

Ain't that the truth!

lrj

Things are very much not awesome after you quit drinking. At least for me anyway. I was dealing with liver failure and was in the hospital for 9 days before released on my own recognizance with a 20% survival chance according to my meld score.

So I started off pretty awful. The thing that no one says or talks about, with quitting drinking is, once all the wonderful aspects of sobriety set in, like basically just never being drunk :/ , its boring as hell!

I guess its not really a ringing endorsement for sobriety to say that all your mental problems will be 2x as bad as before AND you'l have nothing to dull the pain huh?

For me, I realized I had 0 coping skills, and worse, I had no idea how to even enjoy myself or have fun. I remember sitting on my wife's friend couch at one point, and she was saying how good it was I was ok and sober. And I said, straight faced, "I haven't laughed in 3 months. I don't think I laugh any more."

A huge part of it for me was trying to figure out how to enjoy life again. And for me, again, trying to go back to ANYTHING that made sense before my new life, was either dangerous or depressing. No more playing pool, no more staying up late watching bad movies, no hitting the bar before a film out, blah blah blah.

In almost every case, I had to either completely stop that activity, and find something entirely new, or drastically change it. In my case, finding entirely new activities that I'd never subconsciously associated with drinking was the healthiest way.

Oh, and another aspect of being newly sober?..... Don't even get me started on getting a new job, and having EVERYONE there ask you out for drinks. heh. One thing I have realized about that? Drinkers don't trust non drinkers. Period. You provide a dusty mirror for them to see a possible reflection of yourself in. It sucks man.

Oh well. Better than bein' dead!

foodie1

Sorry to hear about your struggle RocketQueen, but congrats on your sober time

For me, not drinking was not enough. It certainly helped, but it didn't cure what was going on inside my head. It's taken working the 12 steps of AA to help relieve the guilt and shame over who I let myself become. And once that was relieved I had room in my head for my new self.

Wishing you the very best

sugarbear1

it's a journey, not really a destination

give yourself another year......