Sally1009

Yes, I spoke too soon. Last time I posted I was full of the joys of sobriety. Everything was going well in my life, as well as it could at least, being a still suffering widowk. My daughter and I had made up; she had invited me to her wedding last June. I was doing nice things with my sons, plenty of walks by the sea. I thought I was safe in my sobriety.BUT, I had stopped going to meetings; I had less and less contact with my sponsor until she wasn't one at all in the end. I couldn't keep up with her demands, nor her spirituality. Plus she lived too far away.
But I remained sober until the time came for the wedding.As I so often do, I asked for some Zopiclone (a sleeping pill) to handle being away from home.The wedding went fine. The next day I flew to Scotland to stay with some very dear friends who have built an amazing eco house right at the most northern tip, away from all people and services.
Towards the end of the visit I had a bad backache, and my friend offered e a strip of about twelve morphine tablets. They were ten years out of date, so I assued they wouldn't be tat effective.Nonetheless, I I got through the entire pack in 24 hours. My friend was horrified when she found out. When I got home I texted her, asking if she had told y daughter about this. To my horror she said she had. I was devastated. I knew what this meant. I headed to the shop and bought a sensational amount of alcohol. This led to a text row with my daughter's husband, none of which I remember.
The consequences were and are still, pure agony. My daughter hasn't spoken to me since. Eleven months of sobriety down the drain.
And the pills didn't even work.

TigerLili

I cannot see any possible reason why it's your friend's fault that you took pills. You had the option to say no. She didn't force you to take them and clearly didn't mean that you should take them all. She didnt force you to drink. It's all on you, I'm afraid.

The good news is that you can get right back on the horse. You achieved 11 months of sobriety with all the learning and good experiences that come with it. You didn't lose it. You can't put the toothpaste back in the tube. It's still part of you.

You can start over. I've had a few attempts. I had nearly 3 years and picked up again. I'm back at 34 days and very relieved about it.

KateL

Medication that is over ten years old would probably be ineffective, but why did you take the whole pack, was the back ache that bad or have you had prior issues with opiates? I do understand how devastating it is when people think you have let them down and your instinct says, what the hell, I'm in trouble now, so it can't get worse, but of course it can as you know. (I've been there too, many times) Just try and start over, perhaps explain to your daughter how devastated and embarrassed you were which sent you over the edge. She will come round, I'm sure, as long as you put this behind you and move on, show her you mean business and don't want to let her, or yourself down. You can come back from this. Good luck xxxxxxx

silentrun

Sorry it happened like that Sally. I wouldn't call that 11 months down the drain. Learn from it and stop this before it goes further. You are doing that thing we like to do when we screw up and that's throw the blame. It's not your sponsors fault you stopped working your program. It's not your friend's fault you took all those pills. Why did you take so many if they didn't work anyway? I am not saying you should beat yourself up over this you screwed up like most of us have. You do have to take responsibility for how it went wrong to fix it though.

suki44883

Unless your friend sat on you and forced it down your throat, it's not her fault. You had a choice and then, when you found out she told your daughter, you went out and bought a bunch of alcohol.

This is all part of addiction and the addict mindset. Hide from reality by drowning yourself in booze. I'm sure you realize now that it was the absolute worst thing you could have done.

The good thing is...it isn't permanent. You don't have to continue down that path. You can start again and, hopefully, learn from it.

least

I hope this can be your last Day One.

Dee74

I don't see the point in assigning blame Sally. It happened.
It's a really important lesson in not letting our guard down, I guess.

I'm sorry for your situation - it will probably take a while to build up trust with your family again - but you can.

Your 11 months aren't gone either - you earned those and you can earn them again the second time around.

Are you back in AA again?

D

freethinking

I wouldn't look at it as 11 months down the drain. This is where I think counting time sucks. That's 11 months you didn't drink. You're not starting all over again in terms of what you've learned. If you're sober today, be proud of that. Today is truly all of us have.

Dime

Glad you posted Sally! Unfortunately one of the things we alkie/addicts do is make mistakes and screw up. Personally I keep screwing up even after my family had left then quit my job because my co-workers disturbed my hangovers.

You have taken a big step by posting here and it sounds like you know what to do to get back on the road to recovery. All you have to do now if follow through with some action.

I didn't realize drinking was my problem until I was working the steps. I started to understand I had been the cause of my problems and my sponsor showed me how to get my life back in order. I started to feel a whole lot better about myself and life in general. I actually began to smile again.

You can do it to.

MaidenNZ

You know you have substance abuse issues. You didn't mention whether or not your friend knows. Either way, the buck stops with you. You took morphine.

Sally1009

Yes, I have substance abuse problems. Sleeping tablets, which I want far more than alcohol. Yes,my friend knew very well I had a problem with pills. I know I am to blame for taking them, but I was so shocked she offered. Who offers a known addict anything addictive? I'm just confused, because it was such a strange thing to do....
I know placing blame is pointless and unproductive..it just hurts, and it felt like everything I had worked for over those 11 months just fell to pieces.
I don't go to AA anymore because I don't feel alcohol is the predominant problem. I fit better in NA; I identify far more, and it's a relief to hear other people talking about their stories with drugs. I'm not saying I'll never go back to AA. But until I can reconcile it's insistence on spiritual awakening with my hardcore atheism I will seek elsewhere.

Dee74

People who aren't addicted don;t often understand Sally.
She saw you in pain, I guess she thought she was doing the right thing?

D

zanzibar

I'm really happy to hear you accepting responsibility Sally.
Even though it was your decision to take it, I would still take a close look at this friendship. If it's a case of your friend not respecting your decision to quit, then maybe it's time to cut ties.
If it's a case of them not understanding addiction, than maybe a heart to heart talk is in order.
Either way though just get back on that horse and keep going. I stopped fifteen and a half years ago, but I made the decision to stop seventeen years ago. Do the math and you'll see that I had a few fallbacks as well.

But we can never ever let our guard down.

Gottalife

About 12 weeks dry, suffering badly from untreated alcoholism, a well intentioned friend offered me some weed. One puff was all it took. A drink was down my neck in seconds., which lead through 18 months of misery to eventual recovery.

It wasn't my friend's fault. I'm not sure it was mine either as I had not grasped how serious alcoholism is and had therefore avoided doing anything about it other than not drinking. Turns out I was living on a razor edge and it took next to nothing to knock me off.

For me the lesson was just not drinking does not treat alcoholism.

Sudz No More

You may run into situations like this again but all we can do as addicts is be in control of our own destiny. The only blame that can ever be placed is unfortunately with yourself unless it is forced on you somehow. In this case you had a clear choice and chose to take them because that's what we addicts do.

Try not to let it get you down and just start again, that is also all us addicts can do. As long as you keep trying to get back you haven't lost.

MrTumble

did you know she had these morphine pills? did you really have a backache? are you sure you didnt engineer getting your hands on these pills? just asking because as addicts, we can often play trick on ourselves and everyone around.

tomsteve

instead of time down the drain, I think it has some valuable lessons:
you are the one responsible for your recovery.
theres only one way a drink or pill will get down your throat or a patch on yer arm and that's if you allow it.

"Who offers a known addict anything addictive?"
poeple who don't understand. it happens. but its not the issue. the issue is who accepted it.

you can use this as a very good lesson of how important it is to be vigilant.

"But until I can reconcile it's insistence on spiritual awakening with my hardcore atheism I will seek elsewhere. "
a spiritual wakening is also part of the NA program, but its not an insistence in AA. take some time and read on here. theres quite a few athiests on here in both fellowships.

Leana

Just an observation but I know for myself that many of the times I "screwed up" I tended to place blame or at least attempted to share the blame with someone else. The circumstances leading up to my screw up were all different and usually included different people but one constant remained. ME. I drank. I used. I screwed up.

Spinach

Don't confuse the row and sobriety do the work on one and let time work on the other.
Or the other way round.
John

heath480

Welcome back to SR Sally.I think about you often.

Your friend thought she was being helpful.

I hope you make a decision to start again,you did it before you can do it again.

As you know I am a widow,I used that as one of my excuses for drinking for many years,that it what it was an excuse,not a reason.

Wishing you well and keep posting