MSUDrunk

I had 76 days sober until sunday. Then I relapsed, and it was a big one. My wife is understandably hurt and upset, we have talked and I am going into intensive outpatient therapy and going to AA at least once a day. I truly do feel this is different for me. Of course, she does not believe it will be different, hopes it will be, and she is justified in that thought.

The difficulty is because she is angry, resentful, and hurt, she will lash out at me because she feels alone and that she doesn't have a partner. She has every right to feel this way and unlike in the past I'm not going to try and force her to change the way she feels, I can't do that. Problem is, her anger makes me sad and resentful which is a trigger for me. I have told her this before and she just tells me she isn't the reason why I drink so I just need to deal with it.

I know the only way to rebuild trust is day by day, but does anyone have any suggestions to help her perhaps deal with her feeligns. I have recommended Al-Anon but she won't go because she hates talking about feelings and gets mad at me if I bring it up. Any thoughts would be great.

Music

Can't blame our wife! She feels what she feels and it'll take time for her to trust you. Your choice to drink again. Choices have consequences! Good on you for going for help and attending AA meetings. Time will heal but in the meantime, you're going to have to deal with her questions. Hang in there. I've seen miracles happen when people stay sober.

KateL

Just give her time and your deeds will be stronger than your words. If you keep at it for a good length of time she will trust you again xxxxxx

Raider

Wow. That's sad. Whatever you do, don't lie! That will just kill her. Good luck.

ImperfectlyMe

Words mean very little when regaining someone's trust. Show your wife, through your actions that her trust is at the top of your list of accomplishments you're hoping to receive through your sobriety.

And remember in order to truly gain ones trust... You MUST trust yourself fully first.

Fluttering

Our book says.."Seeing is believing"...Words do not mean anything. They've heard it all...It is our actions that will convince them. Trust is earned...

Now the question is..Will you be doing this for her or for you? Are you doing the outpatient treatment and AA meetings for YOU or for her or to save your marriage or to placate her?

It has been proven over and over again that this is most effective and works extremely well when our motives are very clear.

Try to remember it took you a long time to get sick. Therefore you can not expect to get well yesterday. Time takes time.

I wish the very best for you. Peace on the journey.

MSUDrunk

I can honestly say it's for me this time. After my relapse, the thought of drinking terrifies me. I used to be terrified at the thought of not drinking, but not anymore. I'm going because I want to, because I need to, it is going to take time to convince her, I just want to find a way for her to be able to express her feelings about it to people who will understand. Unfortunately expressing them to me usually results in anger and hurt feelings and a craving for me.

freethinking

As someone with past relapses, I never ever tell my spouse that this will be the last time or that this time will be different. I know how it sounds to my spouse. It's very good you feel different this time, but I would hold back on tellng her that and just let time do the telling instead.

mkd4life40

I totally relate to MSUDrunk. I blew up my second marriage over my drinking. Half hearted attempts to stop drinking, attend AA for while, do some treatment, only to placate her and fool myself. I blamed her for being a trigger, but in reality I see her anger is because I was drinking and robbing her of a relationship. We separated 4 months ago, we're talking and I have a lot of work to do. Glad to have found this site, your posts give me hope.