Slipped up big time last night. So ashamed.
 

So this has not been an easy ride, since the last time I posted I have drank twice. I just suck at this. I did have 6 whole days sober, almost a week and I am not gonna lie it was the hardest six days of my life. Anyway last night I messed up big time. I guess I felt like I needed to reward myself for six days. Lame I know, but I rationalized it like that. My husband and I started drinking shots at around 5 pm and by the time it was 9pm I had flipped my switch and went into my crazy mode. So like a jerk I drove (drunk) to the bar down the street. People kept buying me drinks and I got rather drunk. I then proceeded to make an ass out of myself and flirted with the bartender all night and then started crying about all this stuff and some lady helped me to the bathroom and then she started asking if I was married and somehow she got the idea I was abused by my husband and I just went along and acted like some beaten wife, I guess I just wanted attention. After that I ended up driving some drunk guy home and I kissed him. I am so mad about that. I came home and got in a fight with my husband because he broke a picture in our bathroom and glass was all over the floor and I walked in it. Somehow I did not cut my foot. Went to bed and barfed and had heartburn all night. Woke up this morning asking myself why I did this AGAIN, WHY WHY WHY???!!! I was so ashamed and admitted to my husband I kissed a guy and he was upset of course but sadly he is used to my behavior at this point and I feel he doesn't even care anymore. I am really embarrassed and afraid I have ruined my life and i am afraid someone will see me from this bar. I wish I could just move from my town at this point because i am afraid i will run into someone I have done dumb stuff too. I feel like i need to reinvent myself, start over etc. Today I feel like I have hit my breaking point. I think I am done for good this time. I am going to start AA this time. If I had the money and didn't have a child I would go to rehab. I am sorry this post is so long. I just needed to get all this out.

I'm sorry all that happened but I'm glad you're thinking of changes...that really doesn't sound like a fun night.

welcome back :)

D

Yeah, not much fun at all. Glad you came back and posted about it though! Don't fester over it all on your own. No matter how bad it is and how bad you feel, we are here for you.

I'm sorry for what you are going through. Wishing you the best of luck!

Welcome back. Maybe instead of beating yourself up about it you can just use last night as something to learn from. The good thing is you came here and posted about it instead of continuing drinking.

I hope you can succeed in staying sober this time. You never have to feel this way again.

Good news is sober you will probably not see anyone from that bar again. I am sure you will find many similar stories and welcoming arms at AA.

You're here writing about it and that is a big step. You keep trying and eventually it will stick. You are too motivated by the idea of sobriety to fail. It will happen if you just believe and don't give up.

The next time you want to drink remember how bad you feel right now and how you don't want to ever feel this way again. You can do it.

Yes it was NOT FUN at all, which is why I wonder why I do it time and time again?

You lack the ability to stop bc your brain has been damaged by abusing alcohol and the urge is faster than the part of your brain that controls rational thought. As you drink the governor in your brain becomes slower due to the alcohol and so you become more comfortable taking risks like drinking and driving, which does not seem to bother you at all. In fact, you have a child but seemed more concerned with the broken glass and kissing some random guy than the fact you drove drunk (twice) and could have left you child without a mother or worse killed someone else.

Without a program in place to provide new tools to deal with the situation this will happen over and over until something stops you or you die. AA is a great idea. They will welcome you with open arms, as will all of us here.

Good luck.

need, you have not ruined your life. However, if you keep driving to the bar and driving home drunk you just may ruin your life.

Hi needtostop. I'm glad you came back to tell your tale. Believe me I understand just how you feel - and that's why I had to give it up. I knew every time I drank it would lead to insane behavior and danger. It was no longer fun or relaxing the way it had been long ago. It was just over. Sounds like you are exhausted from the whole ordeal. Time to let it go and reach out for a sober, healthy life. You can do it.

Go to AA and read the Big Book. Read it from the front to back...don't skip around. It is written as a textbook with specific instructions on how to live a happy, sober life. Find someone to help you with the steps. Make sobriety your priority and go to any lengths to get well. ((((hugs))))

No matter how things are, tomorrow is another chance to make things better.

Join aa & you never have to be alone again

Hugs to you Needstostop! Start from here...try not to "beat" yourself up......You don't have to feel like you do anymore:)

I feel for you
 

Your not unique in this way...
I feel for you , your hurting yourself in a way thats incredibly painful...so many times I woke up going "MY GOD, how could I behave that way, what is the matter with me...!"
We all make mistakes...for me it took forever in rehab and live in programs and all sorts and I kept drinking....kept waking up that way...worse and worse it got.
I pray you dont do it again for 20 years like I did.
Give yourself a break. A break from misery...no one needs to live like this.
Just take the time to relax and get on with moving forward...living.

Like you said, get to an AA meeting. For me, I woke up so many times feeling exactly as you described. The problem was, in about a week's time I would gradually forget all those negative feelings and convince myself it wasn't so bad. AA helped me remember why I wanted to stop in the first place.

Me too!

I seem to be saying this everywhere today.

From my experience, relocating or moving geographically will not solve the problem. I moved several times because I was embarrassed of all the issues and problems that my drinking/drugging had caused. I didn't want to bump into people who saw me the way I was, so naturally I ran the other direction. I thought if I had a fresh start that things would be better. I was wrong. Wherever I went, my problems followed.

Time will pass, and those people from the bar will forget or they will be too much into their own lives to even care about what you did that night. Concentrate on yourself, and do what you need to do to get better.