bumble

I spent time deliberately taking time to allow myself to feel how I was feeling, without judging or trying to control those feelings. It was excruciating, but I did it.

When I woke up in the middle of the night sweating, or couldn't sleep, I relaxed and felt completely at ease because I knew this was just a normal part of quitting that I had to go through and things would get better.

I went to a wonderful AA meeting on Monday. Felt relieved and hopeful. I felt truly accepting of the fact that I just cannot drink because I keep drinking and then do/say things I regret.

I even felt truly accepting of the things I cannot change - my relationship losses. I absolutely own all that I did wrong, all the actions that contributed to the ending of said relationships. And I felt truly peaceful that I could say "contributed to" - it had been, hitherto, completely impossible for me to recognize that I was not SOLELY responsible for the relationship trauma. I, quite simply, do not have that much power.

I felt I was truly giving up the need to be in control. I kept thinking that things really ARE as they are meant to be, even if it's not how I "want" them to be. I felt that, in time, I would look back on this as something that needed to happen. Something that would make me a better person. That when things finally did change, I would look back and marvel at how worried and upset I'd been because I didn't know it WOULD end up the way it was supposed to.

I was eating right. I had exercised every day.

I actually felt joyous. I was ebullient.

I was especially pleased that I was even recognizing the danger of feeling too good, too confident....

I THOUGHT I HAD EVERYTHING COVERED!!! I felt prepared. Armed with knowledge. Felt I was finally getting the help I needed. Finally doing the things I needed to be doing.

And then....I bought beer. I was walking home with it, and I just felt puzzled. Why had I even bought it? I took it home and had one. Why was I drinking it? It just seemed completely surreal.

And then, and then....the usual. Cra-azy drunken texts to the ex. And the other ex. Drunken phone calls I don't remember. Drunkenly deleting records of numbers dialed so that when I looked at my phone this morning, I couldn't even tell who I called. If that isn't self-sabotage, I don't know what is. I called the ex I remembered calling and he was so hurt, and yet so sweet, and he told me some of the horrible things I'd said, and then begged me to please get more help. Despite me calling him repeatedly until 2 a.m. and spewing hurtful nonsense, he told me he still thinks I'm better than this. That's how sweet he is. (The other ex...who I can only hope I didn't call...didn't respond to my text messages and, having read them this morning, I can see why...).

What happened?! It was Day 6 and it was going as well as it possibly could.

I just feel completely dis-heartened. Discouraged. I humiliated myself (again) and I hurt others (again).

What did I miss? Did I overlook something? I kept thinking "Dee always says 'what can you add?' 'what can you do differently?' " and I was adding and doing everything I could think of. And I STILL failed. So, I'm currently sitting at home crying, even though I rarely cry, because I don't know what else to do.

PurpleKnight

Your body/mind is going to crave alcohol as that's what it is used to, also the buying beer without really wanting it might be a case of following the old routines/lifestyle.

I can think of one thing to try the next time, upon coming home and contemplating drinking those beers, post online BEFORE you drink them, or make a phone call for some support, either way reaching out for support when the craving kicks in can get you through it!!

Don't worry about it though, we've all been there, going well and slipping, nothing for it but going at it again, rather than beating yourself up!!

least

Ask for support before you start to drink. Call a friend. Post here. Anything but drinking!

Sudz No More

Please seek out a professional counselor, even for a few weeks until you break the cycle. It really does help to keep you on the right path until the cravings subside. Hang in there and try again, it does get better if you give it the time.

soberclover

In my early sobriety I couldn't be in the physical proximity of alcohol because I didn't trust myself. I didn't go near the beer or wine in the grocery store. I totally avoided those isles. I made a hard and fast rule...NO alcohol in my house. That way I knew I would be safe when I was home. You need to create a safe, alcohol-free zone. Counseling; I strongly suggest counseling as a way to figure out what it is about drinking that draws you to it. If not counseling, some other method or group of support that can provide you some face-to-face support when you need it.

doggonecarl

You made a conscious decision to buy and drink that first beer. What happens afterward can be attributed to alcoholic loss of control. But the first one? That's the defining moment.

Maybe you thought everything you did would armour you against the obsession to drink. But you are six days sober. It doesn't happen that way. Our minds can go from a committment to sobriety to drinking in a flash. We have to be ready. We have to see that moment and recognize it as the insanity of alcohol.

Knowing it happens in a flash, you can be more prepared the next time to say no to the impulse.

Dee74

Hi Bumble,

I'm glad you made it back.

I've done the same thing myself many times - worked out a great plan, been sober a few days, everything was AWESOME and...then I drank.

I found out the hard way if my plan doesn't cover me wanting to buy beer, buying beer, bringing it home, opening the beer and drinking it, the plan is pretty much screwed.

Find more support - and use it.
Have people to call, or to reach out to.
Look at what changes you've made to your life to help you stay sober...and then make more.

Many of us Falter...some of us overestimate ourselves or underestimate our problem. Some of us, like me, did both.

This is a chance to fine tune things. Go for it

D

Hevyn

Bumble I also did that very same thing numerous times. I drank my whole life and was in the process of killing myself with it. I knew I would have a better life sober and even looked forward to it. I have no idea why I fell back on it so many times. It hadn't been really fun in decades - yet still I sought that old euphoria. I was a slow learner - I had to be brought to my knees. It never has to come to that. I'm glad you had those 6 days. You can get there again - and this time you'll be prepared to say no to that beer.

You haven't failed. You came back here to talk it over and you haven't given up. There's no doubt you can do this bumble.

MariahGayle

Bumble.....I know how you feel with having done & said things that you are embarrassed about & that that is an "overwhelming" feeling. We cannot go back and undo, but know that you don't have to do it anymore...start again (I picked up AGAIN at 3 weeks & am back at 1 week today)....Your not alone in this & you can do it Bumble!!!

Sanantoniosober

Been there. Especially when I tried to "control" my drinking. Like, I'd keep a bottle around and be fine not touching it all week, thinking I could have just a drink or two on the weekend and that would be it. That bottle would never make it past the weekend. That one drink Friday night became several, and then of course I'd have some hair of the dog in the morning just to get up that day.

I'm in complete control until I take that first drink. And I can't take that first drink if I don't have any alcohol.

It's easier said than done just not buying any, but the easiest way to break the cycle is to not put yourself in position to buy any. Go grocery shopping before noon on Sunday when they can't sell alcohol (at least not here). And stay out of liquor stores. I didn't even go inside the gas station when I got gas. Just paid at the pump. And I bought my smokes at local cigarette shops that don't sell alcohol.

Gottalife

Hi Bumble,
The same thing happened to me repeatedly. It's the nature of alcoholism, loss of control, loss of choice. I'm the type of alcoholic described in the big book. I had no effective defence against the first drink. It would not occur to me to ring anyone, because my sane defences were not working. there was a complete failure of the kind of defence that stops you putting your hand on a hot stove. I could not keep my self sober. I did not have the power of choice, I lost that and never got it back... that's what powerless means to me.

It's not your fault Bumble. In your current circumstances, if you are anything like me, you will be able to stop for a day or two, but the obsession, and the flawed logic that goes with it, will keep coming back and you will have no defence.

The solution, the big book tells me (and it worked very well for me) is to get my life onto a spiritual plane and the god of my understanding will provide the defence. I did that by doing the one thing you didn't mention in your post, perhaps the missing ingredient, working the steps at a fast clip, and intensive work with other alcoholics.

Your window of opportunity is only 6 days by the look of it (some people get longer), so it might pay to get busy on those steps. That's a choice you do have, to do the work or not.

I wish you all the best.

savarna

Hi bumble the others are right we have all done this and beating yourself up over it won't help , ur not a bad person u are a alcoholic the most natural thing to do is to drink ,it takes time a lot longer than 6 days to break the cycle and cravings to drink will be there , as other members told me the longer u stay sober the easier it gets , pull yourself up get back on the horse and start again at day one u can do it sweety and don't feel bad like I said we have all done this cheer up sweet

KateL

I have done all these things too, many times. You are not alone so don't worry about that. Start over and recognise the cravings and fight them by, as everyone else says, extra support, posting on here next time you feel like that and keeping vigilant in the knowledge that this happens. These feelings do subside when you have more sober time so fight them until then. I wish you all the very best and hope you continue with your sobriety because you obviously enjoyed it. xxxxx

Threshold

Bumble, I did that a few times. For me I think it was a comparable to a person just learning to swim. I was hard at it, taking daily lessons, exercising my muscles, doing it all...and then...swimming...wow! look at me! I'm doing it...and swimming out farther...look! my feet can't touch the bottom...I'm really swimming!

Then...holy crap....my feet can't touch the bottom. what am I doing? Look how far I am from my old familiar shore...what if I can't make it...I can't swim. what was I thinking...then, bam...I'd have some instantaneous turn on a dime panic...and drink or use.

It felt familiar. I KNEW how to do it.

One minute I was fine, swimming along, people cheering me on, and the next minute somehow I convinced myself I couldn't swim. Weird.

I had felt the same thing happen the first time I moved away from home. During my separation and divorce. When I take new jobs, when I moved in with my BF...had planned it, was doing fine, then BOOM...freak out and feeling desperate to return to the familiar. I do fine if I keep looking forward, and swimming, and remind myself panic is just a feeling, and I really can swim.

karate

I have done the same thing many times .

RobbyRobot

Same here, been there. I had forgotten just comforting and cozy with my self a drink could do for me. And since I was feeling so fantastic with my success in quitting, it really began to eat at me that beer and vodka felt good too, and of course I knew I was justifying like crazy, but that didn't stop me. So yeah, like in a dream state of wonderfulness I bought and comfortably drank the booze. Surreal for sure, as you say yours was too. I later realised I had quit for many reasons back then, and one of those reasons was to feel good about myself more importantly than feeling good about my life. Selfishly my feelings became more important than anything else, and of course, this was patently untrue. irresponsible. unsustainable. This later served for me to become aware of how selfishness can be a powerful indicator of my potential undoing if I don't put my life before my feelings. Feelings are important, but not as important as all that I had imagined them to be.

You'll be sober again, bumble. And you'll have learned. Thanks for that awesome opening post of yours with great insight into how an alcoholic mind works.

bumble

Two women gave me their numbers at the AA meeting. The envelope is sitting on the coffee table, literally a foot and a half from where I was sitting, drinking, and ruining everything. RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME AND I DIDN'T THINK TO CALL THEM!! It boggles the mind!

DoggoneCarl: You're right - I was not at all prepared for how quickly the situation could change.

Sudz: Counsellor booked for Friday. Can't hurt, right?

GottaLife: I will throw myself into the Steps. Right now, I am in the PERFECT mindset for listing all my defects!

It's true, Dee, I completely underestimated this. I put too much faith in the fact that I was feeling great. Evidently, "feeling great" means nothing.

Well, it's not a "plan" per se, but I put my 24-Hour chip in my wallet, right on top of my debit card...

bumble

ah-ha!!!!!

Kensho

These posts help remind me that I can't slack off on my awareness, just because I start to feel comfortable. Thanks.

Gottalife

I am filled with hope for you Bumble. Today's the day