Huge resentment
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 3,010
Huge resentment
I need to get some things off my chest. Feel free to read and comment if desired.
I have huge resentment towards my mother. She hasn't showered or left the house in about a month now yet myself and my sister are "the insane ones". My father keeps telling me that "she has a serious illness, perhaps even more issues than you have"...she has huge issues with shame, rooted firmly in her childhood. The odd time she has a glass of wine, and then it comes out about her father. She calls him "the psychopath". I never met the man (he died years before I was born). My dad has tried to get her help several times but she insists she is fine. Actually my brother said something over Christmas. He called dad "her enabler"...
I feel this huge frustration that she won't do anything about it. I suggest that she go for a walk and she says "I can't. What if I meet one of the neighbours and they ask me about my crazy daughters?" All the blame is laid firmly at our feet. It crushed me the day she told me that she wished I had never been born.
Now, I had a session with my therapist today and he said "what have your mothers issues got to do with you? She is 65, I doubt she is going to change. The only person that can change here is you and you are still a young woman". He thinks that my mom is putting in for me to be her carer. Actually she did ask me last night if I would take care of her in her old age. I said "I might be busy. My sister will take care of you". She made a face...
Now, my therapist said "the things you should be focusing on is your sobriety, getting a job and getting out of there. I have seen cases like yours before where the parent lived to be 90 and I don't want to see you stuck in this path you are heading down. What about your travel plans?"...
I feel so full of RAGE!!!!
After my session I went to my Grans. I brought in the sack of coal and logs for the fire. She smiled and gave me a tenner. Then she said "you were always my sweet and thoughtful Grandchild. But if you ever put a bottle to your lips again you are finished with me". I really wanted to say "Gran, even when I was drinking I never put a bottle to my lips. I always put it into a vessel of some sort, whether it was a jam jar or a flowerpot". I do think things would be easier if I could face things with humour. I take everything personally, but I can't seem to think of funny things until after the situation is over.
I came home and ate half a tub of ice cream. Now my dad says I am bingeing and substituting alcohol with Haagen-Dazs. Yes, I realise it happens. But what if there is nothing sinister in this? What if it was just me, wanting a sweet snack while I relax and watch my favourite show?
My mom had a **** fit while we were out on Monday coz my gran and 4 aunts called to the house without phoning first. I do think if they had phoned my mom would have hidden under the bed. My cousin had a baby last week. She can't even be happy about that. All I hear is "It's so hard on me. Your cousin is so beautiful and had a beautiful baby, blah blah bloody blah". Someday I am going to freak out and scream "Change the broken record or get yourself some ******* help!!!!!" The the mud will hit the fan...
I am sitting here with a pot of herbal tea. Yes, I am going to drink it. No, I am not going to get drunk over this. I just wanted to get it off my chest.
So how can I get over this? I could never admit to my anger before and now it is spewing out. I walked into my therapists office once and said "I am so angry at my mom". He closed his eyes and said "I have been waiting for a year to hear you say those words".
I don't know why this bothers me so much. I wish I could just let it go.
Is there hope for me at all?
I have huge resentment towards my mother. She hasn't showered or left the house in about a month now yet myself and my sister are "the insane ones". My father keeps telling me that "she has a serious illness, perhaps even more issues than you have"...she has huge issues with shame, rooted firmly in her childhood. The odd time she has a glass of wine, and then it comes out about her father. She calls him "the psychopath". I never met the man (he died years before I was born). My dad has tried to get her help several times but she insists she is fine. Actually my brother said something over Christmas. He called dad "her enabler"...
I feel this huge frustration that she won't do anything about it. I suggest that she go for a walk and she says "I can't. What if I meet one of the neighbours and they ask me about my crazy daughters?" All the blame is laid firmly at our feet. It crushed me the day she told me that she wished I had never been born.
Now, I had a session with my therapist today and he said "what have your mothers issues got to do with you? She is 65, I doubt she is going to change. The only person that can change here is you and you are still a young woman". He thinks that my mom is putting in for me to be her carer. Actually she did ask me last night if I would take care of her in her old age. I said "I might be busy. My sister will take care of you". She made a face...
Now, my therapist said "the things you should be focusing on is your sobriety, getting a job and getting out of there. I have seen cases like yours before where the parent lived to be 90 and I don't want to see you stuck in this path you are heading down. What about your travel plans?"...
I feel so full of RAGE!!!!
After my session I went to my Grans. I brought in the sack of coal and logs for the fire. She smiled and gave me a tenner. Then she said "you were always my sweet and thoughtful Grandchild. But if you ever put a bottle to your lips again you are finished with me". I really wanted to say "Gran, even when I was drinking I never put a bottle to my lips. I always put it into a vessel of some sort, whether it was a jam jar or a flowerpot". I do think things would be easier if I could face things with humour. I take everything personally, but I can't seem to think of funny things until after the situation is over.
I came home and ate half a tub of ice cream. Now my dad says I am bingeing and substituting alcohol with Haagen-Dazs. Yes, I realise it happens. But what if there is nothing sinister in this? What if it was just me, wanting a sweet snack while I relax and watch my favourite show?
My mom had a **** fit while we were out on Monday coz my gran and 4 aunts called to the house without phoning first. I do think if they had phoned my mom would have hidden under the bed. My cousin had a baby last week. She can't even be happy about that. All I hear is "It's so hard on me. Your cousin is so beautiful and had a beautiful baby, blah blah bloody blah". Someday I am going to freak out and scream "Change the broken record or get yourself some ******* help!!!!!" The the mud will hit the fan...
I am sitting here with a pot of herbal tea. Yes, I am going to drink it. No, I am not going to get drunk over this. I just wanted to get it off my chest.
So how can I get over this? I could never admit to my anger before and now it is spewing out. I walked into my therapists office once and said "I am so angry at my mom". He closed his eyes and said "I have been waiting for a year to hear you say those words".
I don't know why this bothers me so much. I wish I could just let it go.
Is there hope for me at all?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 2,443
Hi Tetra,
I had huge issues with my mom at the time I got sober. Even my doctor in detox before rehab said that I will have a hard time staying sober if I don't figure out my relationship with her.
It took a long time but now I have a great relationship with her. My sister just told me the other day that I seem to have a calming effect on her these days.
And, no, she didn't change, but the way I react to her and with her changed.
Take a deep breath and enjoy your tea.
I had huge issues with my mom at the time I got sober. Even my doctor in detox before rehab said that I will have a hard time staying sober if I don't figure out my relationship with her.
It took a long time but now I have a great relationship with her. My sister just told me the other day that I seem to have a calming effect on her these days.
And, no, she didn't change, but the way I react to her and with her changed.
Take a deep breath and enjoy your tea.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,509
I hope that you would not be a carer for someone who wished you had not been born.
Of course, there is hope, and accepting that you feel anger towards your mother is great. Try to sit with the feelings and allow yourself to feel as angry as you like. I had a similar situation with my mother and the thing that saved me was when I accepted that she was never going to change, no matter how resentful and angry I was. I detached and felt peace. At that point, I could move on with a new sense of freedom.
Of course, there is hope, and accepting that you feel anger towards your mother is great. Try to sit with the feelings and allow yourself to feel as angry as you like. I had a similar situation with my mother and the thing that saved me was when I accepted that she was never going to change, no matter how resentful and angry I was. I detached and felt peace. At that point, I could move on with a new sense of freedom.
Magsie
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 26,683
Hi Tetra, it seems like you have building this anger and frustration Up inside for quite a while.
Lots of help on here for you, keep posting, reading, it is a great help.it seems you are perhaps ready to talk to your councillor regarding your mum, good for you.
Of course there is hope for you, it's not too late for your mum but she has hot to want help.
Thinking of you and sending you hugs x
Lots of help on here for you, keep posting, reading, it is a great help.it seems you are perhaps ready to talk to your councillor regarding your mum, good for you.
Of course there is hope for you, it's not too late for your mum but she has hot to want help.
Thinking of you and sending you hugs x
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Poconos PA
Posts: 1,544
Vent away, it removes the stress and clears the head. I do hope you find a permanent place to stay soon that is away from your mother. You can still visit her regardless of her attitude just for your own solace. But not being able to have some private time away from her could be detrimental to you in more ways than just your sobriety.
Glad you at least are getting your anger out in a more healthy way than turning to a bad habit. Good job and keep up the great work.
Glad you at least are getting your anger out in a more healthy way than turning to a bad habit. Good job and keep up the great work.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Essex
Posts: 411
What are your travel plans? What a fabulous question your therapist asked you!
A whole new world apart from your immediate family....your time, your life, your opportunity for finding out who you are beyond those formative relationships....love yourself enough to take that journey, take it gently, but do take it. My experience is that, while it can be scary & take every bit of courage I have, moving beyond what I know or hold true shifts my perspective and makes room for new, fresh experiences. Resentments are tough & certainly sounds like your mum is not a well woman. Best to keep doing as you are & focus on you & your life.
It's great you share your resentments & anger so honestly. Keep going. And thank God for tea & ice cream!
Keep being good to yourself
A whole new world apart from your immediate family....your time, your life, your opportunity for finding out who you are beyond those formative relationships....love yourself enough to take that journey, take it gently, but do take it. My experience is that, while it can be scary & take every bit of courage I have, moving beyond what I know or hold true shifts my perspective and makes room for new, fresh experiences. Resentments are tough & certainly sounds like your mum is not a well woman. Best to keep doing as you are & focus on you & your life.
It's great you share your resentments & anger so honestly. Keep going. And thank God for tea & ice cream!
Keep being good to yourself
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 1,122
Seems like we have mothers that are suffering with some serious mental illnesses. My mom has been abusive to me and my siblings and has said that she wished I was never born too. A lot of my family, especially my dad, have a lot resentment and hatred towards her.
How I got through it was by accepting the fact that she suffers from a mental illness and I have no right to judge her. Living with mental illness must be difficult enough as it is and we can't fathom how difficult it is to be that person. There was nothing I could do to help her and it wasn't my fault.
Also, I came to this conclusion after not living with her for many years. A lot easier said than done.
How I got through it was by accepting the fact that she suffers from a mental illness and I have no right to judge her. Living with mental illness must be difficult enough as it is and we can't fathom how difficult it is to be that person. There was nothing I could do to help her and it wasn't my fault.
Also, I came to this conclusion after not living with her for many years. A lot easier said than done.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 3,010
Originally Posted by newhope01 
How I got through it was by accepting the fact that she suffers from a mental illness and I have no right to judge her. Living with mental illness must be difficult enough as it is and we can't fathom how difficult it is to be that person. There was nothing I could do to help her and it wasn't my fault.
And thanks everyone for all your replies x
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: ON
Posts: 766
Glad you got to vent.
But can you try and release it now and let it go.
Yes your mom is sick but let her keep her misery. dont take it on.
It will be very difficult but can you just be pleasant around her.
But can you try and release it now and let it go.
Yes your mom is sick but let her keep her misery. dont take it on.
It will be very difficult but can you just be pleasant around her.
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Sweden
Posts: 1,649
I know we can't diagnose or offer medical advice, but your mother does sound mentally ill. A month without washing, that is self-neglect.
I can understand and relate to all of your anger. And, your therapist is spot on. Becoming your mom's carer sounds like a setup for more rage and frustration on your part! Your family sounds very dysfunctional. I know: I have a dysfunctional family, with members who are diagnosed as mentally ill. It is so hard to step back, calm down and rationalize that they are too sick to do and say reasonable things. But that is exactly what I have to do.
Great job on staying sober, and it really does get better. sounds like moving out would be a really good change for you: any chance of that?
I can understand and relate to all of your anger. And, your therapist is spot on. Becoming your mom's carer sounds like a setup for more rage and frustration on your part! Your family sounds very dysfunctional. I know: I have a dysfunctional family, with members who are diagnosed as mentally ill. It is so hard to step back, calm down and rationalize that they are too sick to do and say reasonable things. But that is exactly what I have to do.
Great job on staying sober, and it really does get better. sounds like moving out would be a really good change for you: any chance of that?
My wagon's in the mud.
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Bournemouth, UK
Posts: 88
Hello Tetra,
I'm Irish too and know all too well the 'sick Mother' dynamic.
Toxic relationships are just that TOXIC.
Can you make some distance? are you living at home?
As a dutiful son I ring my Mother once a week, thats it! I honesty don't really listen.
I glad you were able to vent here, not bottle it up in more ways than one.
Hang in there
I'm Irish too and know all too well the 'sick Mother' dynamic.
Toxic relationships are just that TOXIC.
Can you make some distance? are you living at home?
As a dutiful son I ring my Mother once a week, thats it! I honesty don't really listen.
I glad you were able to vent here, not bottle it up in more ways than one.
Hang in there
AA member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: United Kingdom.
Posts: 3,007
Tetra you are doing so well.
Your Mother does sound mentally ill,you must put you and your sobriety first,you can only change yourself not anyone else.
I hope you can move away from yours parents home,living there is not good for you.
I had a bad relationship with my Mother, an Irish Alcoholic,I left home it was the best thing to do,my Father was my Mothers enabler
You deserve to be happy.
Take care of yourself
Your Mother does sound mentally ill,you must put you and your sobriety first,you can only change yourself not anyone else.
I hope you can move away from yours parents home,living there is not good for you.
I had a bad relationship with my Mother, an Irish Alcoholic,I left home it was the best thing to do,my Father was my Mothers enabler
You deserve to be happy.
Take care of yourself
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