MSUDrunk

I found this quote last night reading the book Infinite Jest, this quote more than anything expresses my feelings about my alcoholism right now. This is hell, wanting to drink while not wanting to drink. Damnit.

“--and then you're in serious trouble, very serious trouble, and you know it, finally, deadly serious trouble, because this Substance you thought was your one true friend, that you gave up all for, gladly, that for so long gave you relief from the pain of the Losses your love of that relief caused, your mother and lover and god and compadre, has finally removed its smily-face mask to reveal centerless eyes and a ravening maw, and canines down to here, it's the Face In The Floor, the grinning root-white face of your worst nightmares, and the face is your own face in the mirror, now, it's you, the Substance has devoured or replaced and become you, and the puke-, drool- and Substance-crusted T-shirt you've both worn for weeks now gets torn off and you stand there looking and in the root-white chest where your heart (given away to It) should be beating, in its exposed chest's center and centerless eyes is just a lightless hole, more teeth, and a beckoning taloned hand dangling something irresistible, and now you see you've been had, screwed royal, stripped and ****** and tossed to the side like some stuffed toy to lie for all time in the posture you land in. You see now that It's your enemy and your worst personal nightmare and the trouble It's gotten you into is undeniable and you still can't stop. Doing the Substance now is like attending Black Mass but you still can't stop, even though the Substance no longer gets you high. You are, as they say, Finished. You cannot get drunk and you cannot get sober; you cannot get high and you cannot get straight. You are behind bars; you are in a cage and can see only bars in every direction. You are in the kind of a hell of a mess that either ends lives or turns them around.”

Dee74

At that point - where 'you cannot get high and you cannot get straight' - was the point I asked for help.

It was a real leap of faith letting go of what I knew to leap into the unknown - but I'm glad I did.

Are you still doing AA?
There is another chapter beyond the one you're in MSU, and it's a good one

D

Olive1

I have had that book for ages and keep meaning to read it! Now it goes back on top of the pile.


PS. It does, eventually get better, the not wanting to drink.

MSUDrunk

Yes still doing AA, have been for about three months, I have slipped up three times but each time I get a little stronger and last a little longer. This helped me, the idea that I can't get drunk and can't get sober. This is the decision that ends my life or turns it around , the frustrating part is that it is so damn hard to want to save your own life. That's the insanity of alcohol and that is what AA and this board are heliport me with.

Dee74

That kind of fatalistic apathy low self esteem is addiction driven I think - it makes it easier for us to drink again.

I didn't even realise I felt that way until it lifted, about three months into sobriety.

D

gaffo

Hang in there MSU.

CAPTAINZING2000

I've never had a relapse yet

Yet stands for

Y- ou're
E- ligible
T- oo

Soberpotamus

That is a dead accurate description of addiction. I've just gotten this book and now I'm eager to read some of it. It's huge though!

ChiefBromden

Bought the book because of this. Even though I managed to break out of that cage, and really never ever want to go back there, I remember it very well.