people that think your scum
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
yes, there was something wrong with him, but the real issue is there is something wrong with you.
this statement fraom ya sys something:
"has such a low opinion of me...he really doesn't know who I am and what I've done and seen."
self pity maybe?
self importance?
self justification?
this statement fraom ya sys something:
"has such a low opinion of me...he really doesn't know who I am and what I've done and seen."
self pity maybe?
self importance?
self justification?
Adventures In SpaceTime
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ottawa, Canada
Posts: 5,827
Originally Posted by caboblanco 
i don't know why he has such a low opinion of me...he really doesn't know who I am and what I've done and seen...he pretty much thinks I'm a joke...it just puts me in a mindset i haven't been in a while...and not a good one..
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 1,949
Originally Posted by tomsteve
yes, there was something wrong with him, but the real issue is there is something wrong with you.
this statement fraom ya sys something:
"has such a low opinion of me...he really doesn't know who I am and what I've done and seen."
self pity maybe?
self importance?
self justification?
this statement fraom ya sys something:
"has such a low opinion of me...he really doesn't know who I am and what I've done and seen."
self pity maybe?
self importance?
self justification?
voices ca**y
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: St. Paul Minnesota
Posts: 4,359
You don't actually know why he acts the way he does toward you. Don't waste your time trying to figure out why. It's all going on inside his head therefor his problem. If you don't like the way he treats you then call him out or don't and just ignore him. It's not a reflection on you so don't use it as proof that there is something wrong with you.
Grateful to be free
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,680
cabo...it's his issue, and he may not think you are scum, he may be a socially awkward person who has NO idea how to communicate with you.
Sometimse that comes off as a person treating us weird, and sometimes, they do sort of twist things in their OWN head and end up thinking less of us...because they feel awkward around us, and assume it must be something about us that makes them feel something they don't like to feel...does that make any sense?
My ex was in academia. I was not. His coworkers etc...many of them didn't know how to act around me, what to say, etc. They were used to talking shop with one another, and many had spouses who were also in academia. It was their world and they really were awkward around people outside of it.
Some of them treated me as "less than"...some of them just didn't know what to say, and were awkward. And of course some academics are sociably fine...like most people, and can easily talk with anyone. I think few of them actually thought I was less than, but just had no clue how to talk to folks outside their circle. And I was equally uncomfortable around the one's who felt awkward...because I didn't know what to talk about with them. It could be pretty uncomfortable.
My ex flat out refused to attend anything that was involved with my jobs, because he felt awkward.
And never the twain shall meet. One of my sisters in law in like your brother in law...I don't know if she has a giant stick up her butt, if she doesn't like us, if she thinks we are less than, or if she just doesn't know how to talk to us. She hides behind her New York Times and Wall Street Journal, and whispers to my brother, and disappears to her room while the rest of the family does their thing.
At larger family gatherings, we are all so busy with each other, it's hardly noticed, but in smaller situations, if it's just me with them...it's painful to be around...hard not to take it personally.
Sometimse that comes off as a person treating us weird, and sometimes, they do sort of twist things in their OWN head and end up thinking less of us...because they feel awkward around us, and assume it must be something about us that makes them feel something they don't like to feel...does that make any sense?
My ex was in academia. I was not. His coworkers etc...many of them didn't know how to act around me, what to say, etc. They were used to talking shop with one another, and many had spouses who were also in academia. It was their world and they really were awkward around people outside of it.
Some of them treated me as "less than"...some of them just didn't know what to say, and were awkward. And of course some academics are sociably fine...like most people, and can easily talk with anyone. I think few of them actually thought I was less than, but just had no clue how to talk to folks outside their circle. And I was equally uncomfortable around the one's who felt awkward...because I didn't know what to talk about with them. It could be pretty uncomfortable.
My ex flat out refused to attend anything that was involved with my jobs, because he felt awkward.
And never the twain shall meet. One of my sisters in law in like your brother in law...I don't know if she has a giant stick up her butt, if she doesn't like us, if she thinks we are less than, or if she just doesn't know how to talk to us. She hides behind her New York Times and Wall Street Journal, and whispers to my brother, and disappears to her room while the rest of the family does their thing.
At larger family gatherings, we are all so busy with each other, it's hardly noticed, but in smaller situations, if it's just me with them...it's painful to be around...hard not to take it personally.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Missouri
Posts: 133
Ugh. My sister and brother-in-law are like that. They're pilots in the military and think very highly of themselves. My bil makes makes almost no effort at all to even extend a bit of kindness or polite conversation. My sister is a little better, but it always feels like she's seeking out information just so she can judge me or use it against me later. The whole thing is very uncomfortable and always has been. Things are better on my side of the fence since I quit drinking just because I feel so much better about myself and my self esteem is higher. I know I'm a great person with lots of lovely attributes - living a life that reflects that, and they are both terribly unhappy in their lives and in their marriage.
And while knowing that makes it easier to understand the root of their behavior, it still hurts sometimes. So I come here and I talk about it with my husband and the people that love me. Those things help a lot. And I've made a point not to spend much time with them - seeing them only when I absolutely must. They live in another state, so it's easy to do that. But I don't call them, when I visit my mom I stay away from them. If they can't behave or act kindly, they don't get to have me. Try not to take it personally, cabo. The way people behave says way more about them than it does about you. xoxo
And while knowing that makes it easier to understand the root of their behavior, it still hurts sometimes. So I come here and I talk about it with my husband and the people that love me. Those things help a lot. And I've made a point not to spend much time with them - seeing them only when I absolutely must. They live in another state, so it's easy to do that. But I don't call them, when I visit my mom I stay away from them. If they can't behave or act kindly, they don't get to have me. Try not to take it personally, cabo. The way people behave says way more about them than it does about you. xoxo
EndGame
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,677
I managed to avoid turning everyone who was against me while I was drinking by getting sober. I was surprised at how many people at work supported me, even after the moment when I was given a cardboard box to transport my personal effects from my office and never return. I avoided people in my family while I was drinking, except for the occasional drunk dialing (or, as a friend puts it, "DUI" -- dialing under the influence), and they've always been supportive of my sobriety.
Things are different with my XGF. She changed the locks and insisted that I don't ever attempt to contact her from that moment onwards, with which I've generally complied. I've thought about her frequently in the three years since. I started making financial amends with her this past year since, while I was with her, I'd lost a job that wasn't due to my drinking, although I'm certain that this would eventually have happened. She kept me afloat financially until I could find work, and I had promised that I would make this up to her when I got back on my feet. We have minimal contact in writing form only, and she neither gives me any information about her feelings towards me, nor have I or will I ask.
She knows I'm sober for as long as I've been sober -- or at least she knows that I've told her that I've been sober for about two-and-a-half years. Towards the end there was little that came out of my mouth that was truthful or honest.
I bring this up because, in the AA Big Book, there's a chapter entitled "To The Wives," written largely by Bill Wilson. I have a problem with the chapter because it discusses women and their relationships with their husbands that was the norm seventy five years ago, but that often sounds patronizing and condescending in the present. Whenever we go through this chapter in a Big Book study (which we recently did), I think to myself, "The chapter should be called How To Lovingly Care For Your POS Husband When He's Trying To Get Sober." An AA friend of mine once told me that it shouldn't be viewed as what the wives should do to care for themselves or how they should care for their husbands while they're trying to get sober, but as a reminder of what we did to them while we were drinking. That works to a certain extent, but I'm still not completely comfortable with the chapter.
I told my friend that if I recommended she read this chapter in order to help her understand what happened she'd likely beat me to death with the Big Book.
Things are different with my XGF. She changed the locks and insisted that I don't ever attempt to contact her from that moment onwards, with which I've generally complied. I've thought about her frequently in the three years since. I started making financial amends with her this past year since, while I was with her, I'd lost a job that wasn't due to my drinking, although I'm certain that this would eventually have happened. She kept me afloat financially until I could find work, and I had promised that I would make this up to her when I got back on my feet. We have minimal contact in writing form only, and she neither gives me any information about her feelings towards me, nor have I or will I ask.
She knows I'm sober for as long as I've been sober -- or at least she knows that I've told her that I've been sober for about two-and-a-half years. Towards the end there was little that came out of my mouth that was truthful or honest.
I bring this up because, in the AA Big Book, there's a chapter entitled "To The Wives," written largely by Bill Wilson. I have a problem with the chapter because it discusses women and their relationships with their husbands that was the norm seventy five years ago, but that often sounds patronizing and condescending in the present. Whenever we go through this chapter in a Big Book study (which we recently did), I think to myself, "The chapter should be called How To Lovingly Care For Your POS Husband When He's Trying To Get Sober." An AA friend of mine once told me that it shouldn't be viewed as what the wives should do to care for themselves or how they should care for their husbands while they're trying to get sober, but as a reminder of what we did to them while we were drinking. That works to a certain extent, but I'm still not completely comfortable with the chapter.
I told my friend that if I recommended she read this chapter in order to help her understand what happened she'd likely beat me to death with the Big Book.
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Floripa
Posts: 121
Maybe he had some massive problem on his mind that was stressing him out to the max and he knew because you were his wives brother than he didnt have to worry so much cause was around family...so he let himself go and just pipe over the massive stressful problem he had in his head about something unrelated to you....
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Floripa
Posts: 121
Originally Posted by EndGameNYC
Things are different with my XGF. She changed the locks and insisted that I don't ever attempt to contact her from that moment onwards, with which I've generally complied. I've thought about her frequently in the three years since. I started making financial amends with her this past year since, while I was with her, I'd lost a job that wasn't due to my drinking, although I'm certain that this would eventually have happened. She kept me afloat financially until I could find work, and I had promised that I would make this up to her when I got back on my feet. We have minimal contact in writing form only, and she neither gives me any information about her feelings towards me, nor have I or will I ask.
She knows I'm sober for as long as I've been sober -- or at least she knows that I've told her that I've been sober for about two-and-a-half years. Towards the end there was little that came out of my mouth that was truthful or honest.
I bring this up because, in the AA Big Book, there's a chapter entitled "To The Wives," written largely by Bill Wilson. I have a problem with the chapter because it discusses women and their relationships with their husbands that was the norm seventy five years ago, but that often sounds patronizing and condescending in the present. Whenever we go through this chapter in a Big Book study (which we recently did), I think to myself, "The chapter should be called How To Lovingly Care For Your POS Husband When He's Trying To Get Sober." An AA friend of mine once told me that it shouldn't be viewed as what the wives should do to care for themselves or how they should care for their husbands while they're trying to get sober, but as a reminder of what we did to them while we were drinking. That works to a certain extent, but I'm still not completely comfortable with the chapter.
I told my friend that if I recommended she read this chapter in order to help her understand what happened she'd likely beat me to death with the Big Book.
Dont know about her but if you open yourself up to start dreaming that there is going to be a new girl in your life. Actually imagine her, what she will have, how you will feel. Imagine this girl is coming soon but you dont know exactly when, but so you better start keeping your clothes always neat, your house always, and your body in good shape and have hobbies and things you are going to do and enjoy even more taking this new girl on. Imagine her and prepare for her and she will come. I have used that tactic before and it worked but just as there was a new girl entering into my life the old one came back....funny huh, and I wasnt sure if I wanted her back anymore.,,,,,,
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 1,949
Thanks guys for letting me get rid of these stupid feelings I'm having. I know one thing is for sure..and that is I have to work on my sensitivity to things like this. i always been sort of sensitive to feeling bummed out about things like
this. its great to write it down in this forum because there is nowhere else i could get all these warm, helpful..but honest replies for my issue. There is really nobody i can go to talk about this stuff. i mean most people would just tell me to shut up. if you guys sense bs don't hesitate to tell me. i need criticism too sometimes..thank you all soo much
this. its great to write it down in this forum because there is nowhere else i could get all these warm, helpful..but honest replies for my issue. There is really nobody i can go to talk about this stuff. i mean most people would just tell me to shut up. if you guys sense bs don't hesitate to tell me. i need criticism too sometimes..thank you all soo much
EndGame
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,677
Originally Posted by GreenBottles
Yeh but you know that women see men as commodities. if they dont perform to wishes they will swap them for another one.
Dont know about her but if you open yourself up to start dreaming that there is going to be a new girl in your life. Actually imagine her, what she will have, how you will feel. Imagine this girl is coming soon but you dont know exactly when, but so you better start keeping your clothes always neat, your house always, and your body in good shape and have hobbies and things you are going to do and enjoy even more taking this new girl on. Imagine her and prepare for her and she will come. I have used that tactic before and it worked but just as there was a new girl entering into my life the old one came back....funny huh, and I wasnt sure if I wanted her back anymore.,,,,,,
Dont know about her but if you open yourself up to start dreaming that there is going to be a new girl in your life. Actually imagine her, what she will have, how you will feel. Imagine this girl is coming soon but you dont know exactly when, but so you better start keeping your clothes always neat, your house always, and your body in good shape and have hobbies and things you are going to do and enjoy even more taking this new girl on. Imagine her and prepare for her and she will come. I have used that tactic before and it worked but just as there was a new girl entering into my life the old one came back....funny huh, and I wasnt sure if I wanted her back anymore.,,,,,,
I'm also offended by your sexist statement, "Yeh but you know that women see men as commodities. if they dont perform to wishes they will swap them for another one." The same could be accurately said about some men.
voices ca**y
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: St. Paul Minnesota
Posts: 4,359
Originally Posted by caboblanco
Thanks guys for letting me get rid of these stupid feelings I'm having. I know one thing is for sure..and that is I have to work on my sensitivity to things like this. i always been sort of sensitive to feeling bummed out about things like
this. its great to write it down in this forum because there is nowhere else i could get all these warm, helpful..but honest replies for my issue. There is really nobody i can go to talk about this stuff. i mean most people would just tell me to shut up. if you guys sense bs don't hesitate to tell me. i need criticism too sometimes..thank you all soo much
this. its great to write it down in this forum because there is nowhere else i could get all these warm, helpful..but honest replies for my issue. There is really nobody i can go to talk about this stuff. i mean most people would just tell me to shut up. if you guys sense bs don't hesitate to tell me. i need criticism too sometimes..thank you all soo much
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Nutmegger
Posts: 1,799
Originally Posted by GreenBottles
Yeh but you know that women see men as commodities. if they dont perform to wishes they will swap them for another one.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Australia
Posts: 11,351
Originally Posted by foolsgold66
Why don't you just ask him why he has a stick up his ass? 
Copo ..it says more about him that it does about you .
I once would have been really upset about this behaviour and would tried to get him out of his mood....
Not anymore! His problem ..not yours.
You were being nothing but friendly , got the cigars as requested started conversing etc.
There is NO excuse for being an arse !
Tell your sister to leave him home next time . Xx
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Floripa
Posts: 121
Originally Posted by caboblanco
Thanks guys for letting me get rid of these stupid feelings I'm having. I know one thing is for sure..and that is I have to work on my sensitivity to things like this. i always been sort of sensitive to feeling bummed out about things like
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 2,443
And back to the original topic:
I try very, very hard to not take personally other peoples opinions of me. It just gets me all feeling sorry for myself and sad and mad. It is not always easy, but since my self pity is one of my biggest triggers I usually need to stop it in its tracks. I have worked very hard in the past years to boost my self esteem.
It really helps me to do some Stuart Smalley's: I am good enough and I am smart enough!!!!
I try very, very hard to not take personally other peoples opinions of me. It just gets me all feeling sorry for myself and sad and mad. It is not always easy, but since my self pity is one of my biggest triggers I usually need to stop it in its tracks. I have worked very hard in the past years to boost my self esteem.
It really helps me to do some Stuart Smalley's: I am good enough and I am smart enough!!!!
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