anyistoomuch

I am at 79 days and am pleased that I have made it through various trials like holidays, vacations, family stuff, and drama alcohol free. But it's funny, lately I am ambivalent about the whole thing.

I am battling this part of me that just wants to have a glass of wine. I want a glass of wine.... I tell myself that is the AV, but it is a wearing process to have to consciously be checking it. So what I do is become hyper vigilant about what it is that I am thinking/feeling/perceiving in the moment that is making me think that wine would be a pleasure for me. It's work, and sometimes it feels tedious when all I want is a glass of wine. And I feel self obsessed. Even meditating and/or praying over the feeling makes me feel self obsessed. So I keep busy for the sake of keeping busy...

So right now, I just want this desire for wine to go away. I read about high bottoms and low bottoms, and how people with low bottoms eventually have higher success rates of quitting, and AV jumps in and says that maybe your bottom wasn't low enough. "If you really want to quit - you have to be a disaster." That's just the most insane thinking ever, but it keeps creeping in. I question that thought, and AV says - "well, did you really want to quit?" It is just stupid.

This is the nature of this addiction. There's a part of you that wants it, and there is the part of you that knows you can't have it. And it is starting to feel tedious.

My goals is to never feel the need to drink wine again. But - I haven't even hit 90 days and the exhilaration of my initial success at self control is lessening, now the "long haul" is ahead of me and I am a little bummed about it.

Long timers - especially "high bottomers" - what did you do when quitting became less of a goal and it needed to become more of a way of life?

KateL

It just sort of happened for me xxx

Sudz No More

Have a goal regarding not drinking, right now I would be writing where 90 days is on the calendar and focus on how much I want to make it past that threshold. Getting passed 90 days is huge and you are almost there. Don't give in now. Also, try to find someone you can confide in about your drinking and get them to make you feel accountable to them. You will be less likely to fail if that close friend is checking up on you and you don't want to let them down.

Hang in there, you are right around the worst moments I always had. It is really tough around 80 days, at least I know it was for me too. The goal for right now should be holding on until 90 days, then a new goal of 6 months. By the time you get that far you won't believe how much less the cravings are. They'll probably be gone and you'll be free.

Don't give up now, you are too close.

JaylaaKent

IF you are an alcoholic, you never have a "glass of wine" - try to remember that. It might be a glass at that moment - but it will put you right back. There are millions of people on this planet that do NOT drink, somehow they manage to go through life not drinking. I just try to tell myself that when I start licking my wounds poor me - I can't have a glass of wine to unwind! I deserve it!!

Mountainmanbob

I learned from my past
if I entertain that thought for long
I end up with a glass of wine in my hand

we need not deceive ourselves yet again -- do we ?

Mountainman

gaffo

Great work on the 79 days, anyistoomuch. Stay with it, you're on schedule to have a great hangover free summer and kick the next holiday season's butt!

I was a beer drinker but wine still speaks to me sometimes. It's crafty, especially around the holidays and my wife leaves open bottles around but I don't give in. After after two years on the wagon I still go back to "don't drink now" when I need it. The simplicity is reassuring.

I think I had an easier time than some transitioning to a sober "way of life" because I have two kids under ten that I want to be there for. Being sober and being a good dad are the same goal for me. Building on that, I have discovered that I love this way of life for many many more reasons.

Sudznomore is right on about the 90 days then the six months. This stuff takes some time. I still feel like my brain is recovering sometimes but I do feel free and empowered. I don't even mind the idea of never drinking again.

NoJimmy

I'm 5 days away from 90, so not far from you. I have several reasons that I keep fresh in my head as to why I don't drink, but I do not negotiate with myself. I had 5 years sober and failed, I know the pattern of complacency that brought me there. Stay honest, stay connected, stay accountable. It's a good sign you are bringing it up here instead of quietly negotiating with yourself. You said "you want a glass of wine", it won't take long to justify it once you start negotiations, so don't.

Notimetoloose

How are you going there anyistoomuch. Kick that AV to the gutter.

When I would be full of booze and lying there in my bed I would talk to myself and say I will never drink again, how hard can it be. I hate this.
I need to remember the hundreds of time I said stuff like that.

1newcreation

Make it 80 days

jtkel11

your thoughts are understood. try to keep in mind that youneed not have a "low bottom"...its not required to have life kick the sh!t out of you. stay close to the program, other AA's, work on relationhip with HP, go to meetings, and remember one day at a time

sometimes itsone minute/second at a time. Just dont drink,,,call someone!!!

all the very best to you

Dee74

I was a low bottomer I guess, but I found that inner turmoil lessened a lot after 90 days.
Try to think about that desire you have - whats driving it - what do you think/want/hope that mythic glass of wine might achieve for you?

D