itsmylifenow

I've just faced the reality today that my bf is an alcoholic.

I knew he drank quite a bit but I think I refused to put him in that category because he is always fun when he's been drinking. At least when I've been with him.

I've looked through some of the posts here but I am curious....did drinking cause you to really mess up your life?

He seems to be a mental mess in his life. His teenage daughter is getting into trouble daily. He had a few years he couldn't keep a job and finally just got a full-time one but seems to be getting into trouble quite a bit there. Just not paying attention to things he should be doing.

He doesn't want a relationship...feels it adds to many problems to his life.

He has issues with sex...seems to be able to go along just fine...but he has never been able to orgasm in the 4 months we've dated. (sorry if TMI but it's a big part of this equation)

Would you say these are alcohol related issues? For the most part, I mean. He also seems to lack responsibility for and in his life.

Thanks for any responses

Elisabeth888

Drinking darn near ruined my life. I had a lot of consequences- lost jobs, DUIs, putting my marriage in peril.

As an alcoholic, I am telling you to run like hell from a four month relationship with an alcoholic. Unless he is in recovery, it will only get worse.

Hugs to you!!

PurpleKnight

Alcoholism is all about the addictive nature of a person, rather than the quantity someone consumes.

I thankfully caught things early, I was a "functioning" alcoholic, have a full time job, never lost my licence, never arrested, but the other side of alcoholism is it's progressive, I started with a beer a night, fast forward 5yrs and I was consuming a half bottle of whisky each night, that would have continued to spiral and I have no doubt it would have 'messed' up my life, but I caught it before it did and made a change to my life by becoming Sober!!

It is well known medically that alcohol affects sex (from the male perspective), also a lack of responsibility for life could also be a result, HE though needs to accept he has a problem, only the addict can make the decision to seek help and make the change!!

bumble

Yes. Absolutely.

You are dating someone who doesn't want a relationship? Am I missing something?!

I can't comfortably comment on the sex issue, other than to say sex is important in a relationship. Have the two of you discussed it?

itsmylifenow

Yes. He has flipflopped back and forth about the whole relationship thing. Kept wondering how he got into one. Then he says I make him happy and he loves me. Back to..I have to think about if I want to be in a relationship or not with all the other things I've got going on. Forward to...I love you and love being with you.

A recent conversation with an xGF of his revealed that's what he said to her too, as well as someone else after her. Commitment and responsibility are not something he can handle.

EndGameNYC

You have your answer. What happens next is up to you.

Ruby2

When a guy says he doesn't want a relationship or commitment, believe him. This is wholly apart from any alcoholic traits or behavior. He is telling you flat out that this is the case.

As for the other stuff, not being able to keep a job, getting in trouble in his current job, daughter getting into constant trouble, lack of responsibility for and in his life. These all sound like alcoholic issues to me. I never lost a job because of my drinking but my alcoholic husband has. My life was chaotic and my kids acted up a lot when I was still drinking. I bumped down the career ladder quite a few rungs because of my drinking but didn't get fired. And I didn't take responsibility for my life or the things around me for a while.

If it is only four months together and he is saying he doesn't want a commitment AND has all these other issues, I would save myself the possible pain of putting in anymore time or energy into this. His drinking isn't going to get any better. If he an alcoholic it will only get worse.

FoolTurnedWise

-Yes. It does eventually. the trick is to stop before it does too much damage.

-It sounds like he is drunk when having sex. Or even hungover. This one is well documented.

Sounds like it to me.

I am married to an alcoholic (and I am one myself). Life is not very happy living with someone who does not stop. Do not get yourself in a situation where you are mixing Regret with Love.

GracieLou

It was not something I could handle because alcohol always came first.

I am not saying I did not care or love the people I had in my life when I drank but drinking was always on the top of my list. I wanted what I wanted and if they did not want what I wanted then they had to go. When commitment got to deep I ran every time.

Alcohol robbed me of so much but I did not realize it until I got sober.

At four months I would cut your losses and move on. I know that sounds harsh but it is the reality of it.

MrTumble

itsmylifenow, im a bit puzzled by your post and you appear to be quite critical of this guy. You mention his life is a mess, he cannot ejaculate, his family are in trouble, he has work troubles and he has drinking problems -- and you also say he doesn't want a relationship with you.

This is after 4 months with the guy.

Do you think its worth just moving on if you think he so many issues and he doesnt want a relationship with you?

Dee74

Alcoholic or not, it doesn't sound like you're getting much out of this arrangement, itsmylifenow?

but yeah drinking caused me to really mess up my life - not just once, but several times over.

D

MattyBoy

I'm not sure if drinking messed up my life. It certainly radically altered the course and direction of my life. I had to come home from university after completing my first year As I simply wasn't strong enough to stay sober in an environment where drinking is a way of life and strongly encouraged - almost aggressively encouraged to the point you feel very isolated if you don't drink. If I drank in those circumstances I had no doubt it would totally mess up my chances of graduating with a degree and I probably would've left university with more than just a 20k debt - possible organ damage and mental health problems etc were definitely on the cards for me.

The decision to leave university and study at home for my degree was the best decision I've made but it fundamentally required me to stay sober.

I can't speak on behalf of your boyfriend, but if he seems to be in a mess at the moment, I would strongly suggest that alcohol is playing a part in this and that he gives sobriety a least a trial run of at least 21 days to see if he sees a difference. I'm also very sure that the sexual issues could be alcohol related - alcohol is known to cause erectile dysfunction and delayed ejaculation in men - but perhaps this is something he's best to see a doctor about to rule anything else out.

Best of luck!

tomsteve

you want a relationship with someone, whether alcoholic or not, who doesn't read very stable? if so, ya may want to look at yourself and find out why.
messing up a life doesn't require alcohol.

karate

Negative , toxic people drag you down .

I feel qualified to commit , I'm married to one .

RUN , while you can !

Pipping

Alcoholism aside, I think you need someone in your life that is reliable, dependable and knows how to handle their responsibilities. Life has a way of throwing curve balls and if something happened to you such as an illness or other major life event, then it stands to reason that this guy would be likely to run for the hills. Give yourself the gift of finding someone with inner strength and maturity.

jdooner

The relationship does not sounds healthy. Try the book, He is Just Not That Into You. Seems your boyfriend (loosely defined) meets the criteria. You may provide security and comfort. If he is an alcoholic then he will not change until HE wants to change. Either way seems like you know the answer but are trying to rationalize what your heart says and not your mind.

Good luck.