needtostopthis

I don't know what I want from this post. I feel like such a failure right now. I was 4 days sober which is not a big thing for me as I usually drink every 3 days anyway, so I really only got one day further than usual. Yesterday started so good. I was happy to not have a hangover yesterday I was hopeful and felt a little joy. I took my son to the library, went grocery shopping and went for a small walk. I came home and my husband was home from work already and he was acting all mopey. I knew he wanted to drink. I think I failed to mention in my other posts that he is an alcoholic too, so this is making it ten times harder for me to do this. He admits he is an alcoholic but I can tell he doesn't want to quit right now. Anyway he was acting all strange and I said you want booze huh? He said yeah it sounds pretty good right now. I told him I wanted to stay sober and he could drink if he wanted to but I wasn't going to. I could tell he was let down, I am his drinking buddy afterall. We talked more about why I want to be sober and etc and I don't know why but I got talked into drinking. I don't blame him, I mean maybe I do a little, but I should have had the strength to stop myself. Anyway I drank too much, then ate to much food and then proceeded to get in a fight with him about him not supporting my sobriety. He said we would talk about it today. He is working right now so I am waiting for him to come home and then we will talk. I cried myself to sleep again, I have a headache, stomach issues again, and just feel awful.
How will I do this if he doesn't want to be sober? He says things like maybe we can regulate it. Ha, he knows we can't. He says its crazy to think we will NEVER drink again. I am not sure what to believe, maybe it is crazy to think oi wont drink ever again. I am so pissed off at myself.

KateL

You are in a tough position. You must put your own sobriery first. I was in a similar position and was just about to ask my partner to move out. He used to come home rip-roaring drunk, but before I had the chance, he told me he was quitting. I was so relieved because it was his decison and not an ultimation, so all was well, well until we both became long term sober and went off each other anyway I hope you don't have to issue an ultimation, but if you can't cope around him and his drinking and he refuses to stop himself you might have to do something concrete. xxxxxx

Erod

Hi, Need to stop this. I like that. Yes you need to stop this, if its what YOU really want, you CAn do it. I see you have a child which may amke things a bit harder but do you have your Mom or MIL who can watch you child, in case hubby is drinking. I think you will need to start doing this on YOUR own and don't expect him to follow. I know it hard but this decease is aBOUT YOUR one and only decease as his IS his. You can't do it for him nor can he for you. So, again if you want it bad enough I suggest going to AA as soon as possiable. You WILl feel at home,.. when you see jsut how many others in the world have our deseace. Best fo luck. Glad you stopped by here.

ScottFromWI

You need to set firm boundaries, assuming sobriety is really what you want. It's entirely possible that once you do it will help your husband realize that you are serious and he will come around, but be prepared for him to not follow suit as well - you cannot "make" him get sober any more than anyone can make you do it.

You just need to be honest and have an honest discussion with him about your plans. While it's more difficult to be sober around others who are drinking, it is not impossible at all, many do. Having support like SR and perhaps AA or other meetings you can go to would be instrumental as well so you can be around others who share your goal.

Be well and be strong - you can do this if you really want it.

RevivingOphelia

There's no way I could achieve sobriety with a partner who was a heavy drinker/alcoholic.

I'd have to leave but I know that course of action is not for everybody.

I'm not sure what to say except to focus on your own sobriety and leave him to devices. As others have noted, you have to put yourself and YOUR sobriety/health first.

Be strong.

SeaScape

Hi there
It's really difficult quitting drinking when you like to drink and your partner still drinks. My husband drinks. He drinks way less now that I don't drink. But I really had to talk to him - more than once- about my serious mental and physical health concerns and true desire to stop binge drinking.
Can you tell him you want to take things one day at a time? That's how I take it and it helps me not feel like my life is a sentence without alcohol. Can you get out of the house during happy hour? I go to yoga about 5 times a week between 6:30-8pm. I changed my life and now it is changing my life for me. I really encourage you to get support to help you - you want to make your life better and that's awesome!

Pipping

My husband and I were partners in crime when we both drank. We would sit at home in the evening with several bottles of wine and a huge platter of cheese and crackers followed by a large fatty meal that would feed a football team. We justified this as being " romantic". My husband stopped drinking 3 years ago while I carried on. It used to make me feel self conscious when I drank alone and it was quite hard to justify. If your husband is uncomfortable because you are sober then so be it. You can't sabotage yourself because it is uncomfortable for him. You have to put yourself first. Unless he holds you down and pours the drink down your throat he can't make you drink. I am not meaning to sound harsh at all and I truly know how hard the first week is. All the best. You can do it!

DoubleDragons

When I quit, I didn't expect my husband to quit. He is not an alcoholic but he enjoyed a few beers on the weekends. Luckily, I don't care for beer or for hard liquor. I just asked him that we not have any wine in the house, which is my downfall. The first few weeks, if I had to go to bed at 7 pm, then I did. I planned a lot of things to do in the evenings because those were my tough times. After a few weeks, it didn't bother me as much. The funny thing is now that I quit, my husband has all but quit. He says he feels so much better and is seeing all of the benefits of quitting.

I don't think quitting anything with your partner as a team effort ever really works (unhealthy food, too much TV, etc.). It only sets the relationship up for competition, resentment, anger, jealousy etc. You have to want to do this for yourself with a very singular focus. Then, if your husband sees how good you are doing, he may follow suit due to your excellent example! Even if he doesn't, do sobriety for yourself first, and your child, second . . . those reasons are as good as they get! Gut it out. The first few weeks are the toughest but after that you will constantly be amazed at all of the benefits of not drinking and you'll wonder why you never tried sobriety before.

needtostopthis

Thanks for all the responses. I will never leave him, I love him very much and he is an amazing husband. His only flaw is the same flaw I have, and it is drinking to excess. If we could just change this one thing we would be gold!
I like the idea of getting out and doing things during the time I would normally drink. I also do not care so much that he drinks but he needs to drink less. He has a tendency as do I too go overboard even when he says he wont.
There were times before when I didn't drink, during pregnancy is a good example and he actually didn't drink much during that time. I guess because I wasn't. So maybe he will follow suit when I actually get sober! I am almost to the point of seeking out AA. I have never wanted to do it but it may be my only hope.

Dee74

It would be great is everyone has supportive spouses - the reality is tho a lot of our members have to get sober with partners who drink, sometimes alcoholically.

It's tough but it's not a dealbreaker.

That's why places like SR exist - so that everyone has access to support
Face to face recovery groups like AA (or SMART or Lifering) can help too

Your husband may be unsure - he may even try to entice you - but you joined SR - a part of you clearly wants to quit, and is sick and tired of the drinking life.

I agree with others here - you need to lay down a firm boundary with your husband - then continue on your journey. In the end, our journeys are our journeys.

You never know - a sober you might be an inspiration to your husband.

D

gaffo

When I quit drinking it didn't help my marriage at all. In fact, it signaled the beginning of a pretty tough period. Let's face it, early sobriety makes a person a bit crazy and tough to get along with. I adopted the AA(?) rule of thumb about waiting a year to do anything major relationship-wise. I separated my sobriety from everything else. The first few weeks are really hard but it gets better. I started to do things that I absolutely couldn't do while drinking. Now that I am strong I can do drinking things too, if I have the patience. My wife still drinks but we have established a decent life where she drinks and I don't. After two years I love my sobriety. It is fun! It was worth the effort. You have to do this for yourself. Keep trying.

foolsgold66

We have quite a few sober folks here with spouses who drink. It isn't easy, but it can be done.

Sudz No More

Just focus on you in these moments. It doesn't have to be a selfish moment where you don't include your husband. When he decides he wants to drink just say ok and that you feel like reading on the internet. If it is said carefully you won't step on his toes, and you can avoid the temptation.

EverySngleNight

My husband and I both quit. I'm not sure I could stay sober if he were drinking, but that's just me.

No matter who does what, it's not a bed of roses! Alcohol was a big part of our relationship & while I know we love each other VERY much- we're going through A LOT with all this. It seems like many people here on SR can relate.

Marriage is hard man! We're both in counseling and we'll be doing some couple's work too.

Just because your SO isn't willing to get sober right now, it doesn't mean that he can't support your sobriety. I know you're not demanding that he quit, and I think that's fair to him. But to be fair to you- is there anything you can think of, that he could do to help you stay sober? Maybe it would be helpful to set up some boundaries that you both can live with?

I'm not sure of the "how's"... I'm still trying to figure all this out myself!
Sending you my best. Look forward to reading more from you.

TucTee

Where is your husband with his desire to drink? Has he hit a point like you have where he really wants to quit? I agree with others that it's possible to quit while the other spouse still drinks, but it'll be far easier if you can both make the pact simultaneously.

It seems like you both have to want it for you two to get it done. You appear like you want it, but he may be a different story. I'd be interested in hearing about his perspective.

needtostopthis

He has said he wanted to quit in the past but not lately. I can tell he doesn't think its that bad. But it is. We did talk last night though and I think we are on the right track.