bigsombrero

Hi all,

I've been noticing a great improvement in my overall character and habits since attaining sobriety, but every once in a while I still notice that I am my own worst enemy.

For example: yesterday at work I drank waaaay too much coffee. Now, I know that if I have more than 3 cups of coffee, I'll be over-stimulated and jittery. Yet, I still drank 6 cups. Six! Then I went out and had a cigarette, knowing full well that when I add nicotene to the mix, it could easily "push me over the edge" after all that caffeine. I did it anyway! I spent the next hour feeling very jittery, and regretting that decision. I knew full well exactly what would happen...what was I thinking?

In my first months of sobriety, I would also do the same thing with my depression. I'd sit on the couch and feel sorry for myself, knowing full well that I needed to get up and get out of the house. Yet, I would just sit there and stew and get more and more upset with myself! I'd keep "pushing myself" further down into depression, almost on purpose!

Why do I do this? I'm happy to say that I can recognize this, and it's improving, but it still frustrates me sometimes. I know it's not the end of the world. But do any of you have suggestions or ideas? Is there a form of "urge surfing" you'd recommend? I am happy to have passed 1.5 years sober, and overall I'm thrilled with my progress but I know I still need help in many areas.

zjw

you sound like me. its kinda all or nothing. i'm either drinking like a fish or i'm not. I'm either smoking like a chimney or i'm not. I'm either drinking 2 pots of coffee a day or i'm not etc... I have this very self destructive nature to basicly obsess about whatever it is that I latch on too and most of the time i latch on to the wrong things.

Now i have over 2 years sobriety i've gone through a lot of the battles you've talked about. I finally quit smoking and caffine etc. fixed my diet and started exercising. for me obsessing and latching on to "good" things has really helped i feel a lot better all around i had to take the kind of energy it took to quit drinking and use it to quit caffine or cigarettes etc...

But i'll admit its not easy and its a battle and with a new baby in the house i picked up caffine again tho i'm going real easy on it I know how bad it was to quit that so i'm not going to get in to deep with it i'm just going to use it to get me through this rough spot with no sleep!.

but yes its a fight. it almost seemed easier to get up smoke a cigarette and pour a drink! but that ended up having a whirlwind of other problems!

I guess its a matter of what battle do you wanna fight? the consequences of poor choices or be pro active and fight to make good choices to begin with that have no bad consequneces. You gotta fight either way tho. Either way it wont be easy.

bigsombrero

Perhaps I should have posted this in "what is recovery" as it doesn't have to do with alcohol specifically! Mods, feel free to move it (if it's not too much trouble of course).

Threshold

I have these same tendencies. I seem to be on, or off, but all the gradients in between...I have to make conscious decision and effort to address. Like I have to notch little grooves in my life along the way at pause points to assess what I am doing.

I call it giving myself reality checks. Um...do I actually want or need another...whatever...or am I just reaching for it because I hit the on switch and didn't get around to switching it back off?

Can I set myself to low or medium? Or does it have to be all out?

Most of the time (almost 2 years sober) if I actually catch myself I can and do stop, it's a matter of catching myself, and redirecting my attention. Not unlike handling a toddler or puppy I guess. lol.

Maybe I should do what I did with my little ones. Instead of giving them a cookie in each hand, I broke one cookie into halves and put one in each hand!

I basically never drink coffee at home, but go out for breakfast and I'll drink as much as they pour. If I order a la carte...two eggs and toast, I'm full, but if I just order the breakfast special, I'll eat the eggs, toast, hash browns and sausage...just because they are there. The idea of free choice is starting to sink in for me.

MeSoSober

I typed this yesterday but for whatever reason didn't post it. Since you weren't exactly inundated with responses, I guess I'll go ahead and post -- for what it's worth, which may not be much.

I don't know -- as long as it's only every once in a while and not a pattern of behavior, it seems to be that this kinda just makes you human.

You've achieved a year and a half of sobriety so I'm not about to offer, with my 17 or so days, any tips on self-control or urge surfing. (I did have five months over the spring/summer.)

Don't know if you used Rational Recovery to get sober, but it has occurred to me before that maybe AVRT could be applied in a lot of areas of behavior modification (it's not ME who wants to go to Krispy Kreme and eat half a dozen hot glazed donuts, it's The Beast).

Oh, and quit smoking.

bigsombrero

Thanks!

Good point. Sometimes I have nothing better to worry about - which is a great sign! I've got a job, paying my bills, improving relationships....so every once in a while I start to dig around and find something to complain about. The smoking for sure is a lot like the drinking though, because even when I don't want a cig, I'll have one. And it's killing me, and I know I'd feel so much better if I quit. BUT, in the big picture, we have to take this step-by-step and we all know that in order to achieve anything worthwhile it's important to remember Rome wasn't built in a day!

MeSoSober

Just to be clear, I was being obnoxious when I said "Quit smoking." My significant other smokes, and I only bring up his quitting very, very occasionally because he's an extremely smart and successful grown-ass man who doesn't need me or anyone else to tell him it's bad for him. I don't think there's a smoker left on the planet who DOESN'T know the risks associated with it. Not only that, but as with drinking, the desire to quit really has to come from within. So for adults to nag other adults about their smoking is not only insulting to the smokers' intelligence, it's ineffective.

So I was kinda just being funny, hence the laughing smiley. :-)

And congrats on your year and a half!!

Boleo

For those of use who use steps to remain sober, there are 3 growth and maintenance steps that keep us moving forward. If you don't like the idea of calling them steps, try calling them self-appraisal, meditation and service.