indakut

The last couple of days have been hard. I got a call from my ex husband's father saying my ex's job had called him. The job hadn't seen my ex all last week. I went over to my ex's house. He tried to dodge me but I am relentless when I want something. Basically, I wanted to know why he wasn't at work all week? He tried to drive right past me so I knew he wasn't dead .

His house was horrid! Beer bottles everywhere. Looked like he had just given up on life. He doesn't manage his money well and he finally admitted to me that when he is doing good, the alcohol always takes over and he messes everything up. Well, this time he has really messed up. He is a plumber and got fired from a job (with a GREAT company) that he loved! My ex admitted that this was the first time that he has ever been fired from any job in his life. He still has a job with the union but not the good job with that company. Also he spent all of his rent. Today is the 5th and he has nothing. I had taken the money out of an acct that I have to give to him but put it back. I bailed him out 18 months ago with $600. He paid me back but things tight now and if for some reason I don't get my $, I am going to be in a jam.

He is the father of my child. Half of the time, I can't stand him and he gets on my LAST nerve!!!!! However, I can't help when I see or know of someone going through what I went through and not try to help.
There go I for the grace of God.....

However, I offered to go to AA meetings with him. Going to try to take him to church today. I think he finally gets it. I have been modeling the last 33months. He said last night that he can't believe that he can't drink a beer again but never wants to be facing homelessness and termination from a great job again. Please pray or give positive thoughts to him. Any suggestions that I have not thought of?

IOAA2

Hi. I wish your answers were simple but unfortunately dealing with an alcoholic is far from it. We promise the world and even when things are going well we are often drawn to drink to celebrate our good fortune and are non living with the drink again. The path to sobriety is a person who is honest to themselves about their drinking and want to stop for themselves.
My suggestion to you is going to Al Anon and reading on this site "families and friends."

BE WELL

ru12

You have a compassionate heart. I hope he is serious about stopping, because until he wants to stop more than he wants to drink... He will probably keep drinking.

Hawkeye13

So by giving this adult person money, you are taking needed resources from your own child.

I really don't think it is a good idea to give him any more financial rescues.

Addiction is progressive. If you bail him out, he won't deal with his problems

Sorry for what you are going through--I know you want to help, but I think it is interesting his parent called you to deal with it
even though you are no longer together.

Threshold

I don't want to dash your hopes. I understand that because he is the father of your child (probably other reasons as well) you are invested in him. But so many times we think they "get it"...only to see the sad cycle repeated.

It's nice that you offered to go to an AA meeting with him. But until he calls on his own and says "do you know where/when the next AA meeting is?" he probably doesn't actually get it.

Sounds like he is at the "I don't ever want to face the uncomfortable consequences of my drinking again!" which unfortunately is far from "I don't ever want to drink again"

It's amazing how long and how far down we are willing to go and still bargain with the devil.

Take care of yourself and your child. Giving cash to an addict/alcoholic is pretty much the same as buying them their next drink/hit.

zjw

indakut. some womens nature is to latch on to a man and try to fix them and help them. its a totally awesome and admirable quality only many men just assume suck the life out of these types of women rather then respond. some women like this sucede then find themselves bored since there little project is done and well now what?

All that aside i totally get where your coming from tho. its so difficult to watch other people go through this and not want to reach out to help them. No one reached out to me I had to figure it out. if someone had reached out to me I might have bit there hand off anyhow.

he paid you back in the past he's your Ex you know better then any of us do what this guy is like and if he can be trusted etc.. but I'd also assume he's your Ex for a reason? that being said I'd be careful. Its ok to help its actually really good that you do but dont allow his mess to become your mess dont get in too deep you have to be careful.

indakut

As you all know, I don't post a lot. However, I appreciate the ones that did respond people who just gave prayers and positive thoughts.

zjw,IOAA2, Hawkeye, Rue12, and Threshold, I thank you for the trip down memory lane and common sense. I knew hearing it from others would help me stand firm in my decision. Getting sober for me was difficult. As you said zjw, I didn't have anyone helping me figure it out. I had to go on faith in God and pure motivation to make plans of how I wouldn't drink any more. I was serious I didn't want to drink anymore. That's how I found this site. I had to get myself out of trouble with the IRS and MANY other bills. During our marriage, we both drank and partied. However, I was the functional drunk who went to work, paid bills and took care of our child. He partied and hardly worked. That was the reason for the divorce. He was dead weight.

He came over last night and I gave him the food that was either slightly expired in my pantry (I know the canned goods are still good even though expired) or food that I bought and my child doesn't like it. He was grateful as I know he would be. However, I can't see myself giving him the rent $ because to me he isn't as hungry for sobriety as I was. I have asked questions like what's your plan? What days will you go to meetings? How will you stay busy? After questioning extensively, I had to tell him. YOU HAVE TO HAVE A PLAN!!!!! This winging it mess is not going to keep you sober! He looked at me like a deer in headlights. So, no he is not ready and will probably relapse in less than 6 months because he doesn't have a plan.

He has this sense of entitlement about being 40 and working. Says he is too old to hustle hard. WTHECK???? If you didn't work in your 30's, you should be well rested in your 40's to work. I am 45 and have worked consistently since I was 18 (Praise the Lord), but I don't think I am above a hustle. If someone presents me with a legal way to make money and childcare taken care of or I will be able to pay with the amount of money that I make, I am ALLLLLL over it!

I hope he is done with drinking but if not, I haven't lost anything. And I am ok with that.

** While he was over yesterday, I let him look at this site and identify with stories. He said he liked it. However, he stayed in Welcome to Recovery

karate

I actually feel real sorry for the fellow .I am sure he is miserable ,cant keep drinking ,cant quit .

Its hell on earth .

Wastinglife

I have done the same thing. Called in sick for a week and just drank by myself all day holed up in my apartment. I scrambled to get a Dr's note to confirm my 'illness' so i didn't get fired. If only they knew what illness I was really suffering from...

indakut

*******UPDATE***********

Ex husband is still sober. He is making great decisions and has established a relationship with our child. He has also been working continuously. Really happy for him.

Hawkeye13

Great news indakut!

Thank you for the update and I wish you all the best

ru12

Wow! It is great that he is still sober and able to be a father to his child.