RobbyRobot

I'm sorry for your loss, Karate.

You know, you can do better. You can handle problems too, and without more drinking. When things don't work out for us as planned, it is smart to take another look at which way the wind is blowing, yeah?

Nothing changes if nothing changes, and returning to having a few drinks is the same old results you have always had with quitting. Like JD is already saying, and I agree with him, your aunts death is not the true reason you had a few drinks. You drank for personal reasons for yourself. I hope you can understand I'm not meaning to be harsh either. Talk is not enough for any of us because actions are always louder then our words.

Better days ahead, Karate.

NoJimmy

Sorry for your loss Karate. Glad to hear your not going to allow a mistake like this derail you. I know you're tough enough to get up, dust yourself off, and get back after it.
I've been struggling to handle my life problems sober too. I figure it's gonna take a while to learn how to process the significant emotions I now feel without getting blotto every weekend.

karate

It's the darnedest thing , I really don't like the effects of alcohol
Any more .

I don't like to drink , yet I do ?

silentrun

That's were I was at. Somehow felt compelled to keep drinking. Finally realized that me life was getting in the way of my drinking. At some point one had to go.

jdooner

Karate - you actually remind me of my former MMA trainer. If you lived in Boston I would have to seriously wonder.

Anyhow, keep in my that when you drank/drink you sent impulses to your brain that provided pleasure. Your adrenal glands also released adrenaline and from the sounds of your activities you thrive on this.

By stopping you are starving your brain from feeling good and getting dopamine and adrenaline. So your mind is literally calling out - saying, "hey, what are you doing, we have to drink." This is not you. These voices are not the real you, they are electric impulses - I like to think of it like a spell you are under. Its what makes quitting so tough and why relapse rates are so high...because you don't feel good when you get sober initially - it takes time.

Think of being in a race car on the highway doing 200MPH. Eventually you know the cops are going to clock you and chase you but the rush is so great you keep the pedal down - this is not sustainable. Perhaps you get a scare - a car pull out or you just rationally decide to slow to 65MPH and it feels like you are going backwards, bc you were so used to the 200MPH and now your going 70% slower. Its sustainable but you want the rush of 200MPH again - its the same with sobriety. This is why I think you need to augment sobriety with recovery to rationally understand what is going on so you don't act on all these impulses.

I hope some of this might help. Good luck and my condolences again.

RobbyRobot

Yeah, so true. Getting to 155mph (wicked fast) in my all black-on-black 2012 370Z Roadster is indeed a rush. And dangerous. And probably dumb too, lol. My wife scolds me something awful when I push the car to its extremes.

Addiction ambivalence is a bitch for those who have just quit. It did seem like things got boring and tired when I quit too. On the other hand, things also got exciting in a whole lot of new ways too. It was important for me to discover new thrills in life early in my sobriety. When I say thrills, not being insane and drunk was, and still remains, a HUGE thrill in itself, lol. I've got a lot on my plate keeps me thrilled today, and a return to drinking would be an absolute downer. Drinking only made me feel good back in the day because my life was so in the gutter to begin with -- and this is hard for people first quitting to come to terms with -- that their life is already in the toilet if drinking makes them feel better in a bad life going wrong anyways.

Karate, liking or not liking drinking has nothing to do with raw addiction to alcohol of course. Once addiction takes over a guys drinking, the drinker just becomes a tool to feed the addition, sad but true we become slaves to that kind of sorry life when we don't successfully quit. We like to think we're in charge and all when we drank, but the truth is remarkably different. We're only in charge when we don't drink. Period. And even then, being in charge and learning new ways to be ourselves is a learned thing when done sober.

jdooner

Robby with a quote like "wicked" you must be from Boston too:-)

What I am finding is there are actual healthy ways to get the same thrills. Instead of the M5 having a West WX10 to take to an SCCA day is much better.

Awareness is great bc when my ego starts to try and run my life then I can disassociate. Knowing my proclivity to be all of nothing is helpful - having an impulse and acting on it are two completely different things.

This took lots of reading, therapy and talking to many people much of which I gained from you and others on this site.

I have a feeling Karate that you are going to come through this - just a sense but a Gladwell says you usually have the right answer in the first 5 seconds.

RobbyRobot

Yeah, wicked, lol. We do have property near Boston, (Lincoln) and my wife's family is from Boston. Growing up here in Ottawa, Canada, I was always told as a kid I had a Boston accent, so I fit in well enough strangely, hahaha. Yeah, I say carr, and garrden, and so on. Weird Karma, lol.

WX10 eh? Cool. Ultimate machine for the sports car race circuit. I've never been on a pro race track (as yet). <GRIN>

Yeah, awareness is everything and more when it comes down to making the best choices. Being an all or nothing guy has its advantages, and its challenges goes without saying, but I don't do well with bland or lukewarm either, so it is what it is my being what I am and what I'm not.

Karate, I agree its only a matter of time and sober experience and soon enough you'll look back at your past drinking and you'll have a greater understanding of why you did drink, and why you no longer drink anymore!

karate

I'm going to win this deal , just going to stand toe to toe
With it and get PISSED OFF !

Won't drink today , that's a sure thing

RobbyRobot

Yeah, anger in early sobriety can be a great resource for strength, as long as its not played out into drama against others. Even today, with decades of sobriety, anger as an emotion still helps me get my ducks in order when things go sour for whatever reason. Sobriety is an inside job, and how we feel about ourselves is absolutely important to make staying sober worthwhile. Nobody wants to be sober and feel like ****, so we do what we need to do to NOT drink, and change out our feelings for the better.

When I last quit, I didn't just quit for the day, I quit for good and always, and so I didn't think about my not drinking as being a sure thing or not in any one day. For me, this made all the difference. I do understand the meaning of not drinking just for today, I just don't cotton to it.

What is a sure thing for me is that quitting works, no matter how we talk about it; quitting really is the best action to take day in and day out no matter whatever else is going on whenever.

karate

Totally quitting will work 100% of the time

Hevyn

You sound more determined than ever karate. This can be where the madness ends and your new life begins for good. You'll be free.

I'm very sorry about your aunt and the troubles it caused you.

karate

I'm hanging tough today , it's about time to go back to the gym
Do a little head knocking , and get few knots on my head

That will cure this foolishness !

jdooner

Karate can you afford or are you willing to see a therapist? It has helped me quite a bit and I think it might help you.

The gym is great. The only caveat is building a recovery plan around the gym runs the risk of what happened when you have a physical injury? This is what I would do in the past and this is what ultimate led to my last major binge that lasted 9 months.

24hrsAday

i admire your spirit karate!

Sudz No More

You've got the right attitude Karate, Bravo. Time to make it count.

karate

The gym is indeed a bit dangerous for my age ,I may just do the workout and not pull on the gloves .

I have seen a therapist ,She did not really teach me very much ,But directed me to some great books where I learned a lot .

I think I will not allow my son to keep alcohol in the house ,I wont go and buy whiskey ,Its too far for me to drive ,as busy as I am .

If crown were not in the house ,I would have not drank it .

I sure wont go to the trouble of going to get Whiskey , But if its at arms reach its too easy .

While this is NOT A VALID excuse . The thought of my aunt laying in her apartment basically decaying ,Then having to go through the apartment was just TOO MUCH .

Then to add to all of it ,One of my grandmothers sisters died ,She called my mother crying ,My mother called me half hysterical .

Not an excuse ,But DAMN it was a lot for one day .

Its a hell of a drive to my aunts house ,and my mother called me a bunch of times right in a row ,and started texting me non stop . That's when I reached for the crown ,I just needed some escape .

jdooner

don't get me wrong - it sounds like you have been dealt a lousy hand lately. I was simply trying to highlight that these events might be a trigger but they are not the reason you are drinking - seems like you get this.

Vodka was my DOC and I don't keep any in the house. I have wine and other booze but I don't keep vodka in the house for the reasons you point out - it makes it too easy.

My condolences for all you loss lately.

I think your going to pull through this - for me it helped to tell everyone around me that I was an alcoholic. Whether I am or not does not matter. But I wanted the accountability so they knew if they saw me drinking it was like a diabetic eating a cookie.

My MMA grew when I started to practice yoga daily…I found flexibility was key. I am 6' 1" and 235 - arguably 25lbs over my fighting weight - next thing I need to work on.

Good luck!

karate

I did not think you had any adverse reasons for posting what you did ,I still should have left it alone , anyway ,But it was too handy .

I have not been working out at all ,had broncitas for 3 weeks ,and in a stupid effort to tough it out ,I got real sick .

These tough times do pass , Most of my life is pretty good ,Just a few sure ****** times the past month .

jdooner

no worries man - these past months are tough. Now they are behind you. Can't change the past just the future. Good luck!