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Can stop drinking but don't know how to be sober

Old 01-04-2014, 04:38 AM
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Can stop drinking but don't know how to be sober

I am trying for the I don't know what time to quit drinking. I haven't had a night where I blacked out in a LONG time, but now even a moderate amount of alcohol makes me feel like absolute crap the entire next day, makes me depressed for several days and basically I am starting to hate myself every time I drink. I am not physically addicted to alcohol right now - I don't crave it and if I don't go out, I am not tempted to drink. However, I am embarrassed at how easily I succumb to peer pressure to drink. I went out with a group last night and was very firm in my resolve not to drink for the first few hours but eventually caved.

I am a young person in a VERY drinking-centric city, and last night for example I'd say 90% of the conversation revolved around alcohol and getting drunk. Granted, I have friends who are less focused on it but I STILL feel like the vast majority of activities for people my age are centered around drinking. I feel very alone because I know that I want to quit drinking, but I also don't identify as an alcoholic and the times I tried going to AA meetings I felt extremely out of place there as well. I just feel in a very weird place where I am starting to not even like alcohol all that much, but I keep drinking it anyway because my social structure has revolved around it for so long that I feel like it's that or completely isolate myself. I HAVE had nights before where I stayed sober, went out with friends who were drinking some and still had a good night, but I still felt so uncomfortable and out of place. That feeling has never gone away during periods of sobriety, and I think it is the number one reason I keep going back to drinking. I literally hate myself this morning.

What's more is the fact that I AM on many of these occasions drinking a reasonable amount and am one of the less drunk people there, coupled with the fact that I keep saying I'm not going to drink then drinking anyway, means no one in my real life takes me seriously that this is an actual point of stress for me. I hate it. I don't know what to do.
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Old 01-04-2014, 04:45 AM
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hi SJ

I drank for 20 years - it took a little time for me to learn to live sober - months not days.
I'm alot older than you but I had the peer pressure thing too - my city is a big drinking one too.

but...if you're a drinker, you tend to hang with drinkers...now I'm not a drinker I'm constantly surprised by how many non drinkers, or normal one glass drinkers there are.

The bottom line is I needed to make changes in my life if I wanted to stay sober.

I guess the question for you is how much change are you prepared to commit to?

D
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Old 01-04-2014, 04:49 AM
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Thanks for your response... I am realizing things will need to change a lot more than I've been admitting to myself. This sounds awful and ridiculous, but a small part of me almost wishes my drinking were worse right now so I'd feel more compelled to make major changes. That being said I've had PLENTY of times over the past year where I've felt a strong resolve to stop and known in my heart it would be what's best for me in every way. My brain just keeps getting in the way of that by rationalizing that I'm really in decent shape overall so why do something that makes my life more difficult in the short term?

I think that I am willing to commit to some big changes but I need help and support and am unsure where to seek it at this point.
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Old 01-04-2014, 04:55 AM
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if you are already drinking when you say you won't, keep drinking and it WILL get worse!

or stop now......

Hugs,
~SB
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Old 01-04-2014, 05:05 AM
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There's plenty of help support and ideas here - you could do worse

If AA's not your scene, there's many different approaches and methods of recovery around - here's some links to some of the main players (including but not limited to AA):

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...formation.html

I recommend you visit the Secular Connections forum if you think you may benefit from a non 12 step approach.



D
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Old 01-04-2014, 05:17 AM
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I drank for twenty years plus too, but got there in the end and it does take a while to adjust. Best thing I ever did xxxxx
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Old 01-04-2014, 05:34 AM
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Hi. I've been in AA for many years and "we" have observed there is a few obstacles in a lot of peoples way including mine in the beginning. First we need to be honest with ourselves about our own drinking. We had to stop for our own benefit and we had to accept our own inability to drink in safety. Unfortunately we seem to have a talent to BS ourselves and then continue along the path of destruction as it never gets any better than it is today. It's a process of learning and self improvement which can result if feeling good in our own skin.

BE WELL
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Old 01-04-2014, 06:58 AM
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Back when I was young, all of my friends drank. That's what we did. Almost every activity either involved or centered on alcohol. We thought it was great fun and at some points it was. But there were so many nights that it really wasn't. I lost over 30 yrs of my life "having fun" when I could have been doing things that would have made my life so much easier right now. But the past is the past - I wonder that you are awake enough (unlike me) that you are not wanting to be typing the words I just wrote when you are my age (48).
If that is the reason, more power to you. If I would have a chance to redo it, I would find myself a new group of friends. Not to say that you have to get rid of your friends - but you don't have to go to those activities that involve a lot of drinking. As Dee said, you may be surprised at the people around you that aren't big drinkers/partyers. I certainly had those people around me back then, so I did have a choice. It's hard for me to say no too. I'm a big follower and also a people pleaser. But again I have choices. It sounds like you do too.
AA wasn't for me, so I understand what you wrote about it. Somehow, AA made me want to drink more..?? I don't know why. I guess I just didn't fit in either.
You should read all over this forum. There is so much information here and also I find again and again people who would support you to the moon and back. People offer the things that have helped them and there are many. Mine are filling my life with other things such as reading books, taking care of myself physically (eat better and drink juice & lots of water), the internet and SR. SR helps fill in the cracks, really.
PS: It's really not a sin if you do isolate yourself for a bit, stop drinking, figure out what's important & what you really want in your life and then go out and find out how to get it
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Old 01-04-2014, 07:29 AM
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Thank you all. GypsyHeart, your post really spoke to me a lot. I am realizing I am terrified of being lonely and so worried what others thing about me, and these are very new realizations. But I think I need some serious self-care and sober time under my belt and need to stop trying to fit into the mold of my life so far... I am also genuinely seeking out help for a number of things for the first time in my life and feel less guarded about doing so than I have in the past. But it is definitely very scary and emotional for me right now. I really appreciate all the support here.
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Old 01-04-2014, 06:19 PM
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Hi sj- late 20s female in a profession/city that is very drinking centric. I really related to what you said re: drinking and the social structure (also about drinking moderately in some situations- I am able to do it sometimes, but too often I end up drinking more than I said I would, or coming home and drinking more!) My drinking has been getting worse for the last few months and I have struggled with anxiety issues. Also, I'm gluten intolerant and most alcohol messes with my stomach. Ultimately, I decided I need to give it up. It's day 5 here and I have already noticed more energy and less anxiety.

I am also trying to pick up some good tips for avoiding social pressure, because that will be the hardest part for me. For now I'm spending this hot Saturday night at home (not QUITE as hard because my team's in the playoffs!) I'm trying to use this time to focus on myself.
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Old 01-04-2014, 07:47 PM
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alcohol seems to have a more adverse effect on us problem drinkers .

The AA founders thought we were allergic to alcohol ,I tend to agree .

Im not an AA member ,by the way .
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Old 01-04-2014, 11:40 PM
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Paralysedforce, it's super helpful to hear of people my age who relate to my situation and know others are dealing with similar issues at a similar stage in life.

I actually had a GOOD night out tonight, but it was a friend's housewarming with a slightly older/calmer crowd. It couldn't have been more different from last night - a couple people did ask why I was drinking water but it wasn't in a pressuring or accusatory kind of way at all, and no one made me feel uncomfortable. And since I liked the people I was around, I was laughing and joking and being silly and didn't feel all that different than anyone who was drinking. It just stood in such stark contrast to my Friday night where as soon as the night started I felt this ENORMOUS divide between myself and the rest of the group who were drinking (and talking nonstop about drinking and getting drunk). So I think what happened Friday had a lot more to do with who I was with... it's very obvious I can have a great time without it and that sometimes I just use it if I'm not enjoying myself for some other reason or I feel uncomfortable. So lesson for the weekend for me is I don't necessarily have to avoid ALL socializing involving alcohol, but I may need to reevaluate the relationships I have with some heavy drinkers and try to see those friends more for daytime or non-drinking activities.

I am SO lucky that my roommate is trying to not drink for a year right now, so I have a great support right here at home - she also had some good tips. She was telling me today she just always tries to lighten the situation with humor or poking a little fun at herself when she refuses alcohol so as to not put others on the defensive, and tries to remember that people questioning her or telling her what she's doing is "crazy" or "too hard" are coming from a neutral place of just not understanding, and not from an attacking place. Anyway, my sleep actually is totally thrown off from having drank Friday night so now I'm just up in the middle of the night rambling...
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Old 01-05-2014, 03:57 AM
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sj, I feel the same way! It's helpful to read everyone's experience, of course, but I think we probably face a lot of the same situations.

Congrats on not drinking tonight! That's fantastic. I think on my side I am going to have to go on a social situation case by case basis- I definitely have a few friends who are triggers for me and that I think I should take a break from as I figure this out.

As I said in my intro thread, I quit for a couple of weeks this July. During that time, I also went to a housewarming for some good friends where the age group was older and the party was less drinking focused (daytime into evening). Luckily for me, one of the cocktails they had was gin and tonic- my water, lime and mint leaves fit in so well that no one even guessed I also had a work event with an open bar- again, the seltzer and lime in a highball glass worked well! I actually love seltzer, so that is a good go to undercover drink for me. I am still having trouble figuring out how I will handle events with less people.

I think your roommate is on the right track as far as a sense of humor is concerned- we are so used to taking ourselves seriously and being hard on ourselves for drinking/not drinking that humor can help immensely. I realized as I read your post that people have been telling me a gluten free diet is "too hard" and a few have actually pressured me to just eat cake/cookies because they can't imagine doing differently. What they don't realize is that it's really not that hard because gluten makes my stomach hurt and after focusing on fresh food for the past few months, that's all I usually crave.

As I mentioned in my intro thread, the Mr. is not a drinker at all so he's been helpful too. When he goes out, he is the champion of having only one beer (and leaving an inch at the bottom, like a weirdo). If he gets pressure to have more, he usually says "nah" and changes the subject and that's the end of it. Need some of that confidence!

Here *I* am rambling early morning because I can't sleep in anymore! Anyways, keep posting, and feel free to pm me if you need support
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