EverySngleNight

I need to get this out because I'm very confused about my marriage and I'm doing all that I know how to keep moving forward.

My husband quit drinking when I did. But, I am "the one with the problem", and he's "supportive".

He's actually got a drinking problem too... Maybe not as bad, or long lived as my problem- but it's still a problem! I'm not going to call him an alcoholic. That's up to him. But, he is a recovered crystal meth addict. (he stopped using long before we met, while he was in college)

I'm starting to see things that I didn't (couldn't/wouldn't?) see before, and I am so worried about my marriage.

He's still smoking pot, but is respecting my request that he smoke away from me and that he isn't "stoned" around me. Pot has never really been my thing, i don't really care if people smoke... but, I don't want it in my face. He offered to quit if "I wanted", but I told him that it's his decision, not mine- and I meant it. (he knew i'd say that.)

My MO is to change my mental landscape through substances, in order to deal with life. Getting "high" is the opposite of what I'm trying to do! I'm trying to learn REAL skills to cope. I've already mastered masking. For that reason, for me personally- smoking would qualify as a relapse. I don't think that everyone who smokes or drinks, has a "problem". Does he? Lil bit.

If I'm going to be REALLY honest right now.. I don't know if we'll make it. I have hidden his drinking. I have made excuses for him. I have downplayed things that he's done that have hurt me while he's (we're) drunk. I've taken the blame for being a "bad influence", or driving him to it somehow. Of course he'd oblige. Right??

When he came to our family meeting while I was in rehab- he said some BS about "I'm relieved that she won't ask me to buy booze on my way home from work anymore." I coulda' slapped him! He knows damn well he'd call me up on his way home - "Do you need me to stop and get anything? How many beers are left?" etc. Then he'd show up with the booze and drink it right along with me. (he would respond to this with "well I knew you would need it anyway. might as well get it out of the way so I wouldn't have to go back out again")

In that moment, I felt like he threw me under the bus. I was thinking "Hey now! I cover your a** all the time... and this is how you treat me?" "Oh yeah- I get it... You're perfect, I suck, blah blah blah."

Those were my initial thoughts and feelings, but I didn't share it- I sat back and thought about it for a good long while. I KNEW that my initial reaction was flawed. (this early in sobriety, I feel like I have to really examine my thinking- especially with kneejerk responses) I just kept reminding myself that I was there for ME, and while I would eventually need to deal with my relationship, that meeting wasn't the time or place.

I'm glad that I gave myself time to think it through. However, I'm not very happy about the realizations I'm having.

That exchange, in REALITY, puts a huge spotlight on us playing out these dysfunctional roles. KNOWINGLY? I can't say for sure... But, I am sure that those roles have served the purpose of deceiving ourselves, and the people around us- in order to continue the behavior. I also know that it's been incredibly harmful to me because in those roles- I've taken on the blame. "It's all my fault." (try that out on your self-esteem for a while... not cool man!)

This shouldn't really be a surprise to me, since it's the role I've been in my entire life. But, it makes me so sad because I just didn't see it. I don't think he'd want me to feel this way. I volunteered, after all. And, what self-respecting alcoholic wouldn't latch onto the opportunity to have an excuse?!? I'm thinking we developed a dynamic that has perpetuated and enabled the addiction. I don't want to to think that... It's painful.

I'd told him for a long time that I needed help. I told him I was afraid and couldn't do it by myself. I told him I thought maybe I should go to rehab. ("what about the animals? Who will take care of them while I'm at work?" "You just need to cut back." he'd say)

My world got so small, I wasn't even leaving the house. I was barely taking care of anything. While I know that my drinking isn't his fault, and it's MY responsibility to stay sober- I just can't picture myself standing by and doing nothing- if he were to spiral like that.

I wanted him to help me, and he didn't... Until I really lost it. Drunk; "I need help god dammit! How many ways can I say it before you hear me!?! Do I have to die for someone to get it? Why isn't anyone F'ing HELPING me???" :::kitchen table cleared in one fell swoop::: (admittedly, not my proudest moment)

Knowing that he didn't (wouldn't/couldn't?) help me- breaks my heart. I don't think it's right for me to be angry. I'm trying hard not to be. But... so it goes.

As you can probably guess -since I'm no longer carrying all the blame, and I'm waking up- it's been a little rocky. I know he's nowhere CLOSE to understanding all this. I haven't told him how I feel because it's all unfolding as I go, and I'm just trying to understand it myself.

He had a bad drunken freak out last year and promised me he'd go to therapy. He started and then quit after 3 sessions. (I started too, and I stayed in- but never talked about my marriage or the alcohol.) He said he wanted to find a new therapist, but always had an excuse and never followed through.

I'm not real big on ultimatums... BUT I'm working my butt off trying to get well! Seeing that my marriage is SERIOUSLY in trouble, and upon hearing yet another excuse, I told him- "I'm going to my day program and I'm not coming home until you have an appointment." Thankfully, he set one up for next week.

Keep in mind- this is ALL the bad stuff. I wouldn't be with him if it were all bad. He has an amazing side too. And I do LOVE him, and I really believe in my marriage...

But, my marriage seems broken. I can't fix it by myself... I don't know if it can be fixed. All I know is that I have to stay sober no matter what happens.

I don't know HOW to do this. I don't know WHAT to do. I don't know what he'll do. super now I'm crying...

There's just so much beyond my control, and so much uncertainty! I'm scared, I'm overwhelmed, and this can't be fixed overnight. It's the "perfect" excuse to drink and that is NOT OKAY WITH ME!

I don't want to be forced to choose between my marriage and my sobriety. I'm praying it won't come to that, but it might. It actually might.

What do I do?

Sorry for the length. If you hung in this far... I've been trying hard just to focus on me. But, I am going to have to deal with this at some point.

foolsgold66

I dunno. Aspects of your situation are similar to mine with my wife. I'm sober, she's not. I honestly don't know what is going to happen.

KateL

I was a drunk, he was a drunk and compulsive gambler, but of course, it was all my fault, always the scapegoat. We both stopped in 2004. I really loved him, then he started again in 2008. I remained sober but still, everything was my fault as far as he was concerned. I was too well to go through all that again. It was toxic and dangerous to me, so I asked him to leave and he did after much protestation. It was not a spur of the moment thing as I had been sober for four years. Best thing I ever did. But I am glad I waited until I was sure.

nf1983

Hi EverySngleNight,

Firstly, I am now single, so take my advice in a "maybe how not to do it" sence.

Reading your post, I homed in on the line "he is a recovered crystal meth addict".

I reference 2 sites, which give a:
92% relapse rate (lancaster.unl.edu/family/metheffects.shtml)
88% relapse rate (Why Can't Most Meth Addicts Stay Clean? | The Fix)

If you then add alcolism into that mix, i'm sure you can see there is going to be a huge addiction problem. Your husband is a polydrug abuser.

Speaking from my own experience as a polydrug abuser, it has (and is) taking time to overcome this. Recovery is a progressive state, just as much as addiction.

You say he has not admitted to being an alcoholic. If you ask him if he has an alcohol problem, maybe you'll get your answer.

If your answers match, you have a chance. If they don't, not so much.

Best wishes.

Notimetoloose

Its rough EverySngleNight, everything shifts when you get sober, dynamics between friends, family and partners all change.

Sometimes for the better and sometimes for the worst.
We change, as the toxic effects of alcohol leave our systems and our thinking, we change and if you like we grow and or grow up.
In some relationship one person is made out to be the scapegoat, the one with "the issues", problems, personality and in actual fact as the attention is drawn to that person with "the issues" it is hiding and masking other peoples issues of equal or even larger problems.
Sometimes this is a manipulation and sometimes it is just the dynamic.

The investment you have in each other is worth the time for this adjustments and change to take place and see how it all goes.

I wish you the best

EverySngleNight

@nf1983- "maybe how not to do it" :-) TY.

I guess I like to say "recovered" rather than "recovering", because it's been so long since he used that drug. It's been probably 10+ years by now... See!!! I'm doing it right now!!! I sugar coat... I love him and I don't want people to think of him "like that". So I... I don't know what that is! But, it's probably not good. LOL

I think he'd admit to being a "problem drinker". But admit in one hand and shlt in the other, you know? I mean, I don't know how deep he's willing to go with it... I don't know if he's just going to go through the motions to placate me, or what. Only time will tell I guess.

@KateL Thank you for reminding me that no matter what happens, I can be okay.

EverySngleNight

@notime Yeah... I hear ya loud and clear! I get it. Part of my fear is really based on whether it's a dynamic or a manipulation. I'm VERY afraid that it's a manipulation. It wouldn't be the first time that I've been in that situation. I'm gullible and I never even see it coming. I have a really hard time trusting people as a result. (you wouldn't think one could be gullible and untrusting at the same time, but... tah-dah!! I am!)

quitter13

I have no answers but I also relate. My wife doesn't have adddiction issues but she has her own issues such as a violent temper. We both have our own issues and have hurt each other repeatedly. My drinking and lying about things are to blame but so are her issues and usually it is when both of our issues come together. I don't know what to do about my marriage either. It seems broken beyond repair and we both admit that but I also love my wife and she has many great qualities so I'm sticking it out and hoping it will get better as I get better

nf1983

I was about to post with a title: "How I wish i'd have done it".

I didn't post that, because it would have been a lie to say I wish i'd have maintained the relationship.

Ok if he says he is a problem drinker..then his following actions will define him...not words or intentions.

That's all i've got.

Jeni26

I could relate to so much of your post. Me and my husband drank for 21 years of our 23 year marriage. We both got sober in May 2012. I was the one who took action first, I sought help, I told my little family I was an alcoholic and started in AA.

My husband drank as often as I did and was a blackout daily drinker in the end. I can see no real difference in the way we drank. I did mix mine with Valium and he didn't so I suppose that gave me the edge on the addiction scoreboard. But he had alcohol induced psychosis in the end and life was pretty difficult.

He has never described himself as an alcoholic and if he was pushed would say he gave up alcohol to support me. That might actually be true..I doubt very much if he would have quit had I not been a total mess in the end.

At first I was relieved that he'd stopped...but over time he has replaced his alcohol addiction for a range of other obsessions and remains a pretty angry and resentful person.

All I can do really is work on myself and protect my own sobriety by whatever means I can. My world is expanding whilst his doesn't seem to be. I fear we are drifting apart. Yesterday while I was cleaning the kitchen out I found an old bottle of whiskey..there wasn't much left and I asked him if I could chuck it. His reaction took me by surprise. To say he wasn't happy is an understatement! It has stood there for 19 months, yet he still couldn't bear to be parted from it.

I have no words of wisdom for you really, I just wanted you to know you're not alone.

We can't control what others say or do, but I won't allow anything to jeopardise the peace and contentment I have found in sobriety. My world and especially my relationship with my children has improved beyond all recognition. I know very well how scary the thought of doing it alone is...but we are stronger than we think.

Best wishes to you x

readerbaby71

There's nothing wrong with saying "recovered" instead of recovering. Even if he is an alcoholic there's nothing you can do about it. You know he has to want to quit for himself.

Have you talked with him about couples counseling? It sounds like it could be really helpful for you both right now. It's great that you're going to therapy and he is going to go again. I'm sorry you're in pain and confused. Relationships are hard enough without the dynamics of addiction involved.

Wishing you much strength and healing.

EverySngleNight

As much as I'd like to say that it's comforting to know I'm not alone... In this case, not so much! Why doesn't anyone tell you what it's REALLY like to be married??? It's cruel!

zjw

for starters you seem really bright and I like your way of handling things thus far its rather simlier to how i would / have handled my issues.

I can relate too being 2 plus years sober I had my coming out of the fog moments and was horrified at all the little messes in my life some not so litle. I was able to tackle most and let some go and it was friggen roller coaster ride of emotions with all of them a ride I dunno how i survived a ride that kept me drunk for so many years really.

I too have some marital issues. I think I let things go for years because i could just drink it away rather then handling things. what I've done is taken my time very very slowly i figure marriage issues are like trying to deactivate a ticking time bomb so i'm trying to be really careful.

I'm taking the slow and steady approach in time I've learned i get better and better at handling things so taking time with this is helpful if i jumped in and tried to tackle this first it woudl have spelled trouble.

my advice would be slow and steady dont let your emotions get the best of you but you sound like you got your head screwed on pretty good.

EverySngleNight

@reader- yes, we do have plans to go to therapy as a couple. It was suggested to me that he should get with someone first and start the process, and then we could start working on things together. Also, I'm in treatment and will be for a while still. I'd hoped he'd get some work in while I'm working on me, so that we could really be effective. And he says he's going to try, so we'll see.

@zjw- yes, I agree. Slow and steady. I'm not always good at "slow and steady" (I wouldn't think many addicts are ;-))- but I'm learning. You're right. None of this will be instant... I'm going to have to come to terms with that.