Leongecko

Hey, I was wondering if anyone else finds themselves alienating themselves from people they care about?
I am an alcoholic, and I hate the way it makes me look, feel and think. I am overweight, not a lot, but it's exaggerated in my mind, I see myself as unlovable and pretty gross (im not looking for sympathy here, just letting you know how I feel). I never see my family because I always think they are judging me, on my appearance (vain I know) and I never feel like I fit in. They all drink a fair bit, but none are problem drinkers as far as I can tell. I haven't seen my mother for almost 3 years. I do live a fair way away but still. Anyway she is having a tough time of it at the moment and is fairly alone, I should drop everything and go and be there for her, but it would mean losing my job. Also, I just feel when I'm drinking that I'm no help to anyone. I don't see my friends anymore for similar reasons, I just don't like the thought of people I know seeing me like this. Same goes for dating, I haven't had a proper relationship for a number of years and haven't had sex for a long time, again, scared to let people see me for how I really am. I'm a pretty intelligent guy and have lots of online friends and I'm quite popular in a way, but I am utterly alone and scared of life, the things most people take in their stride. I drink a lot, everyday, I quit before and felt better, lasted a year and a bit. I've just woke up at 1am with crippling anxiety and feeling like the worst son in the world.
I need to rejoin the real world, but I don't know how. Any ideas? Just wondering if anyone can relate. I'm getting older, and I've basically been a hermit for ten years.

KateL

Have you thought of quitting? Alcohol can affect your appearance along with causing dysomorphia and depression. I look entirely different than I did ten years ago when I was drinking and isolated. There is far too much pressure put on people to look good by the media, I know, but quitting alcohol does improve one's appearance dramatically. You probably think you look worse than you do anyway xxx

Leongecko

Haha, yes I should have said that I mean to quit. But during my last spell sober I realised that alcohol was just my way of dealing with these problems, it wasn't the cause of them. Like a lot of people on here I thought that once I quit life would be amazing with no problems. But of course it just reveals the things you were trying to hide from. If that makes sense.

caboblanco

Well it's New Years day so half the country is waking up to what you felt. Don't beat yourself up for tying one on for New Years.

Why would you have to lose your job to see your mom?

Do you think you need to see a doctor to quit..if that is your intention?

Leongecko

The job thing is complex, and although I would have to quit to get time off, it wouldn't be the end of the world as I could easily find another (im sort of a contractor), but would be "inconvenient" for me financially. That sounds really callous but that's how I feel. I just don't want to see anyone even my family. I'm not sure what I'm trying to say. I suppose I'm trying to gauge whether this self imposed exile is a normal thing for some alcoholics or if I'm just f**ked in the head.

KateL

No, you probably just want to hide from stressful social situations, it;s not that unusual and you are probably mistaken about yourself because I'm sure there is nothing wrong with you. I had a bit of social phobia. x

caboblanco

Is your mother's situation dire? if not I would recommend taking care of yourself first. All the self doubt you have..i think the drinking and or hangover/withdrawal has something to do with it...so don't pay attention to it

JTBIV

You're not alone in isolating yourself while drinking. I think it happens to a good number of us.

endlesspatience

You say you realised when you tried to quit drinking before that you "drank because you had problems." That may have got you started.

But looking at your life now, don't you think drink is a problem? Isn't that why you joined this forum?

Kate asked you if you are going to quit drinking. You didn't say you would - all you said is that you tried to do so before.

So, this time around, what are you going to differently?

Dee74

I drank for so long that the issues that drove me to drinking came to be dwarfed by the problems drinking brought with it.

I alienated myself and isolated a lot when I was drinking...even during those (brief) periods when I was sober between binges.

I reckon there's no problem drinking can't make worse...and no problem abstinence and recovery can't make better, Leon.

the balls in your court really

D

Galactus

alcohol has brought me to very low levels of self esteem.