someonelikeyou0

Hi,

I'm currently coming off a binge episode and I'm hurting so bad. I drank sooooo much liquor and beer these past few days until I wasn't eating, and drinking more to try to feel better, and I crashed. Body is shaking, throwing up nonstop, twitching, dehydrated, etc. But I've been here before, several times.

I am 24. I graduated with honors two years ago from a top University. I was so proud of myself. But see I came from a horrible childhood filled with abuse, abandonment and complete disregard for my mental well being.

My mother is also a huge control freak, and has gone out of her way several times to seriously ruin my chances at success. I think it is because she likes to see me have to crawl back to her and watch me beg for help, like the time I ended up homeless in the woods after failing to be independent.

To this day, she hurts me, but I don't see how I can live without her, I guess it is a sense of learned helplessness. I've tried and failed two times to get away. Under the stress, and to cover the pain caused by so many people, I drink...then I drink and drink more. This problem started 2 years ago at the end of college.

I've been homeless, I now have a few misdemeanors on my record, all alcohol induced, but I can't stop drinking. There have been times where I managed it better, but right now is not one.

I'm currently staying with my uncle, who is an alcoholic. His kids came into town for Christmas, and this place was a non-stop party til Yesterday, where I then drank all the remaining liquor...which was a lot.

I'm so sick right now.

I have a lot of emotional pain and open wounds from my childhood that I can't let go. And when I go on a binge, I usually end up calling these people and telling them how much they've hurt me...and I keep pushing them to want to call the police on me. And they sometimes nearly do.

I black out or pass out and make an ass off myself, thereby pushing away anyone even trying to help.

I can't stop. But here's good news, my new insurance begins on January first and I'm going to be going to rehab shortly thereafter. I'm really nervous about going to rehab. I'm not very religious and I need help more with my emotional problems that underlie this drinking issue.

Any support of any kind will be so helpful!

Dee74

Hi and welcome somewherelikeyou0

you'll find a lot of support here

I'm glad you're thinking about rehab - will you be seeing your Dr about your depression too?

They may refer you - a referral to a counsellor or therapist could really help you sort out that family baggage too?

D

Pipefish

Great news about rehab, that sounds like an excellent way forward for you.

Hang in there. If you can make good on your commitment to yourself and remove yourself from your current situation, you'll be giving yourself the chance you need to slowly make a new life for yourself. You are only young, and this is a great time in your life to be doing this. And you already have your college degree behind you, a great achievement.

That aside, if you make this time your time, to get well, take it slowly and be kind to yourself, 2014 can be a memorable year for you for the best of reasons.

karate

I noticed drinking makes my depression get to crushing levels .

My depression is normally non-existant , to mild

A week of binge drinking takes my depression to very high levels .

readerbaby71

someonelikeyou, I am so glad you're here and will be taking the steps you need to get better. You do not need to be religious to recover from your addiction and depression. I am not at all, and have found much healing and strength through therapy and different recovery methods. Rehab is a start. I self-medicated my depression for many years, and at least you're young and realizing you need to do something about it now. Hopefully in rehab you can address the depression and get some intensive therapy started, maybe even an antidepressant to get you over the hump.

I wish you all the best and want you to know I believe in you.......regardless of what your mother does or says you are a capable adult and have the ability to take care of yourself.

Wishing you much love, strength and healing in the new year.

Climber122

Great decision going to rehab - if you open your mind and are willing, you will learn so much. Believe it or not you are not a bad person and everything you describe about your drinking is completely understandable and we can all relate. Try to be okay with not knowing what's going on, check in and start to let go of all that baggage! You have untold riches ahead - there is a life that is happy, joyous and free. All we have to do is be willing and begin with the first step. Good luck and God bless

Thepatman

You are young and can attack this early, you are wise to consider rehab.

Many here have wasted decades to this addiction, including me. So for us to see someone so young inflames our desire to help and support as best as we can.

We are here anytime you need help, keep reading, posting and asking questions.

Lifewillgetbet

Rehab/Treatment for me, changed my life. Had I not taken time off work to really focus on the underlying issues behind my substance abuse I would have never had the opportunity to heal.
Rehab is an excellent choice. Highly recommended by me.

Dan Dare

Yeah, for years I blamed being depressed on anything but alcohol. I was convinced it was because of the deaths of family members, financial worries, frustrations, etc.
I was afraid to say to myself that it was the booze bringing me down. It felt like I would be badmouthing my best friend.
Of course without the booze there are sad times. But my sadness while having alcohol controlling me just amped it up to unnecessary levels. I see it now. It never helped.
I'm sick of feeling sorry for myself.
Funny how booze / addictions can feed on your vulnerability.

It's been called "The Beast". (The addictive voice).
And it doesn't give 2 s**ts about you or your well being.
Onward!!

D.D.

Joe Nerv

While I was reading your post, all I was thinking was "rehab". Was happy when I got to the line where I saw you were thinking the same. I learned a lot in rehab, and left with a giant toolbox for sobriety. I was 23 years old then, and suffered from deblitating depression, panic, and anxiety. Was self medicating to that point, and learned that as long as I was open minded and willing, I didn't have to do that any more.

Lots I'd like to say here but I'll try to keep it short. I currently bring an AA meeting to a rehab facility every other week, and there's some stuff I've been noticing. Many people in rehabs (or at least this particular one) seem to make a habit out of going to rehabs, and act as if it's something you need to do a bunch of times before it sticks. That is soooooooo not true. If you don't want it to be. When I was in rehab someone said, "If 2 out of the 24 of you here make it to a year sober, statistically that would be a lot." I said, "Eff you, and I feel sorry for the rest of the people there." I was determined to be one of those 24. What that meant was that I listened, and I did things that cut completely across my grain, and for the entire 1st week (actually probably the whole time I was there) I told myself I only have to get through today. I wanted to leave every day in the beginning, and the desire to do that was more powerful than even my desire to drink. I hated it my first few days, and didn't think I'd make it through, yet something compelled me to stay. Can't tell you how grateful I am today that I did. It's almost 30 sober years later, and I have a life I never imagined possible. A life I didn't even contemplate having when I first landed in the hospital. I should note too that the rehab isn't a bad experience, they actually treat you quite nicely. I just had panic and anxiety issues I was dealing with, and they weren't medicating me. It made my ride a bit rougher than it might have been, but years later I can't even begin to say how thankful I am that I began to learn to deal with the panic and anxiety while in the rehab. Had I been medicated I'm pretty certain that wouldn't have ever happened, and I feel I'd be dependent on medication to this day. I have many friends who are, and I'm grateful I'm not.

Another thing I'd like to mention is that a belief in god is not necessary to get sober. The world is full of happy, sober, athiests. I myself 'almost' fall into that category. And as far as I'm concerned, being 'religious' has nothing at all to do with sobriety. Although some people find their religion to be an incredibly powerful tool. I'd like to put this out there though... if you have even an inkling that their might be some sort of force behind creation, behind your heart continuing to beat while you're asleep, behind a baby being perfectly created while out of human reach in a mothers womb, or the stars hanging perfectly in the sky... I urge you to have a go at talking to that power or source in prayer. At the very beginning I had no belief in a god, and still don't as it's traditionally defined. I did that though, and found (once sober) that subtle changes began to happen in my mind, and life. Incredibly subtle at times, but enough to have me begin to trust, and well... yeah, it became one of MY most powerful tools. You don't need to understand anything, nor even believe anything. I just urge you to have a go at something that might be outside of what you're accustomed to doing.

There are lots and lots of other tools you'll learn about in a rehab. I wish you the best. There is an awesome life ahead of you, should you choose the road that leads there. The one you're currently on is easier to get off than it might seem right now. And you're incredibly fortunate to be doing it at such a young age. Don't give your life away to drugs and alcohol. There's so much more than that, and recovery isn't as elusive as it might seem from where you're standing at the moment.

someonelikeyou0

Thanks everyone for the helpful replies. Yeah, I'm pretty scared to go to rehab. But they say insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results...and none of what I'm doing now is helping. This is something that is completely new and I can't really comprehend what I'm getting myself into. But I have a problem and these places are designed to treat it.

nf1983

You've shown your intelligence by already recognising that your alcoholism is secondary to something else. I'm sure if you raise this issue to a Doctor during detox, you'll get help to be able to resolve these issues.

Best wishes for 2014.

someonelikeyou0

Has anyone ever hit that point where all your friends and family have kind of given up hope on you because you're abuse has led them to feel hopeless...and those feelings make you feel more hopeless? How did you overcome it?

Dee74

I certainly was there.

I had reduce everything to basics - stay sober and things will change - everything else will fall into place.

It's a leap of faith - but I guarantee you won't regret it

There'll be time enough to fix other things a little further on - and you'll be better equipped to deal with things then.

just focus on being sober for now

D

zjw

not exactly I hit a point where my firends and family where sick of me talking in circles about all my problems never really resolving anything. i was running out of ears that would listen to me and that terrified me. I new i had to get a grip on what was going wrong in my mind but i did not know what to do.

I too had a lot of child hood abuse type issues drinking was essentially medication to numb those wounds tho they still hadnt healed. Your better off curing illnesses then treating them.

In my case I had to get selfish. I had to reach deep and solve MY problems myself and I couldt not let any of these other people stand in my way. if it meant having to patch up relations with a few after i got healthy so be it but I had to get healthy first and foremost. and yeah I was a bit selfish about it but had i not been i would still be in the gutter somewhere.

Its up to you to go to rehab and nip it int he bud its up to you to come out and remian sober. Sure all the other issues in your life may have wounded you and caused you to run to alcohol. But you will find better ways to deal with these issues and move forward without the booze.

If a situation causes you to want to dirnk get out of it come hell or high water get out of it. But part of getting sober and maintaining sobriety is being able to be put in tough situations and still be able to be strong enough to say no and stand your ground and not drink that comes with time but you have to crawl before you can walk and walk before you can run.

dont let these family members cause you to further destroy yourself. its not fair to yourself.

someonelikeyou0

That is EXACTLY how I feel. I can't wait to go to rehab and get started. I'm going Friday. We had to wait for January 1st, 2nd, due to new insurance and United being closed on the 1st.

zjw

i swear our thought process is twisted when we drink. I new alcohol was a depressent but when you get in so deep the last thing you do is blame alcohol for your depression. if anything its hte only thing helping it seems. Once you remove the booze element from your equation the thought process becomes more clear the chemically induced depression starts to fade. Oh problems may still be there along with some depression etc... but you remove a rather large hurdle from the equation and you start to think more clearly. That becomes the building blocks you need to rebuild and heal and move forward.

I had one friend and I had no idea why he still listened to my endless drivel. Same with my wife why she put up with me is beyond me. I could tell she was growing tired tho it terrified me that i might loose it all. Tho at the time i still did not think drinking was the issue. I kinda just thought well lemme try quiting maybe that will help.

someonelikeyou0

I'm so done. I said I was living with an alcoholic uncle. He is 50 and has been drinking nonstop, like every day, since he was 13. He now repeats himself, has no memory, and slurs every night. He can be such a good guy in the mid-day when he is no longer hungover but not yet drunk. And tonight was it, just watching everyone at New Year's feel uncomfortable at the fact that he was sitting there drinking and couldn't even form full sentences.

But the problem is. My mother is so mad at me. But I already said she is unhealthy to go back to. So when I get out, the only option is my uncle's.

Is there any other options that will accept me right after rehab?

someonelikeyou0

edit: nvm

someonelikeyou0

Now it doesn't look like I can go. Even though I've been approved and the rehab facility is willing to fly me out there, my parents all the sudden don't want to pay for me to get to the airport which is 90 minutes away. I swear they want me down.