foodie1

Hi all. I'm having a really hard time. I've been trying to use the tools of the AA program to help me through, but ironically I'm having a hard time with that too.

Trying to make this as succinct as possible:
I'm 2.5 yrs sober. Husband is a heavy drinker, and it's been picking up lately. Our intimacy has taken a nosedive. Realizing I can't change him, I started working my own program more: increased meetings to 5-6/week, listening to AA podcasts every morning, praying all throughout the day for god's will in my life. I started to feel much better overall, but was still very lonely in our marriage.

After 3 weeks of this, husband asks me, is something wrong? Are you ok? You're going to so many meetings now. Turns out he was upset at being left with all of the dinner duties every night, and our decreased time spent together. Time in which he's drunk and I'm resentful.

We had a heart to heart and I told him I'm lonely and sad, and that his drinking is really affecting me. I told him I'm going to have to make a decision. I didn't ask him to stop drinking. I said I won't be able to stay married to him if he continues to drink this way. I don't know if this was the right way to say it so as to put it on me, not on him, but I was trying to NOT give him an ultimatum, rather to keep the responsibility for my happiness in my own hands.

Slowly but surely we've been working through this for the past week. It's been up and down, and it's only been a week, but there's hope.

Then I found my daily journal opened a few nights ago. I always, always close it very carefully. I chalked it up to me being inattentive. But over the past few days I've been extra-vigilant about closing it. It was opened again last night. After this week of relationship work, after total, vulnerable intimacy with him in the name of moving forward, I felt SO incredibly violated. And confused. Was it him? He's the only other person in our household and no one else has keys. And now I know for sure exactly how I left the journal, so I know it's been moved.

I asked him about it, he denied it with seeming sincerity. Now what? Am I going crazy? Do I trust him? And what of the increased program work, which is supposed to help?? He never gave me a hard time when I was passed out on the couch every night, dinner unmade, house a mess. But now that I'm working my butt off to stay sober and get myself happy, it's an issue.

My sponsor says I'm going to more meetings to avoid being at home with him. That it's probably best to stay home with him more often. I found that totally offensive, but am doing it anyway. I've thought of drinking multiple times since my meetings decreased.

I'm just so confused. What am I even doing all of this work for?? Why should I work so hard to be sober but live in an alcohol-soaked household? Why do people say, turn to the program, work the program, but then when I do, they say, go home, you're doing too much program??

Self-pity, yes. But genuine confusion too. And depressed exasperation. Any advice? Please take it easy on me, I am extremely delicate right now.

EndGameNYC

Well, isn't that the whole point?

If you don't feel completely safe or cared for in your own home, what's the alternative? In working AA's Big Book Twelve Steps, we not only come to appreciate righting our own wrongs, but also that we're no longer available to be other people's doormats; that we avoid making ourselves victims of our own behaviors and the behaviors of others.

If couples therapy isn't an option, then what's your next move? Individual therapy for you?

Ultimatums are best kept as a last resort, and only when we're prepared to follow through with them. It seems you may be heading in that direction. It also seems to me that there's much more going on here than meets the eye.

JaylaaKent

Wow - I really don't know what to say - other than from reading your post -you are very valid in feeling so confused and overwhelmed. I'm not sure I agree with skipping out on meetings to sit at home with an active alcoholic, but I don't know if I agree with going to meetings with the sole purpose of avoiding your spouse. I feel, this is just MY opinion. People change - over years/time. If your partner truly respects and love you - then they wouldn't do anything to compromise your sobriety. For me - to drink would eventually probably kill me in a very short time, my partner refuses to drink. He said he won't even drink out - because he thinks I might smell it on him or get jealous he's out drinking and I can't. He attends AA with me sometimes and once in a while Al-Anon. It has to be extremely difficult - and I don't really have advice other than what you are doing is the best you can, and validate that you are entitled to feel the way you do.

KateL

Yes, I agree. You are entitled to feel this way. It's not self pity at all. I was in a similar situation and separated from him. Good luck with whatever you decide to do, but don't doubt yourself please.

karate

We can't expect the entire world to now be " well "
Just because we chose not to be " sick "

It's covered in big book , not my idea .

Nevertheless

Well,with 2 and a half years sober. The dust from drinking should be well settled. Settled enough where you know the person you really have to answer to is the one you see in the mirror.
If going to more meetings makes you feel better,what could be wrong with that?......Let's see,sober people at meetings. Drunk person at home. The math is pretty simple the way I see it.
In my opinion your sponsor is way out of line. Yes,your husband drinking is a huge problem. But if you start drinking again,it gets a whole lot worse.
As far as your journal. Hide it. Don't get me wrong. I am not saying reading your journal was right. But we all know how the drunken mind operates when tempted. The little devil on our shoulder often wins. If I was still drinking,and I got drunk and read your private journal and realized you knew about it. You know what I would do? I would get drunk again. That is how the boozing mind thinks.
I think you should get back to steady meetings until you feel solid in your sobriety again. That has to come above everything. A long talk with your sponsor is also high on the list.
One thing is for certain though. Gettin drunk won't help/fix a thing.

Fred

tomsteve

welp, 2 things come to mind. actually quite a few things come to mind.
"I started working my own program more.
could your own program be a problem here?
wheres yer HP in all this?
read the chapter "working with others"
how bout "the family afterwards or 'to wives?"
how the maintenance of your spiritual condition?


"Why do people say, turn to the program, work the program, but then when I do, they say, go home, you're doing too much program??"
because going to meetings and not drinking doesn't treat alcoholism.

practice these principles in ALL our affairs.

I highly suggest ya get with your sponsor and start at step 1. its helped me through many difficulties in recovery.

Sudz No More

As hard as it is I think you made the right decision in the first place by spending less time with him at home. If his drinking is threatening your sobriety it cannot be ignored. You have told him it bothers you, has he tried to not drink in front of you? Or is he still drinking with reckless abandon and pushing you into temptation.

I'm sorry, that's not an easy thing to deal with. I would think another talk with him how much his drinking bothers you is in order. If he refuses to budge than resume going to more meetings. If the people at the meetings don't agree with what you need for you then find another meeting. There is nothing selfish about self preservation.

foodie1

Thank you all for your thoughtful replies, I think there is wisdom in every one of them. I realize this is my problem to deal with, not his, I just don't know what I should actually DO. I know I can't drink (what was I thinking??). Couples therapy starting soon. He has not had a drink in a week now, but that's for me, not for himself, so I'm not counting on it, it's just a bonus for now. Maybe Al-Anon.

Really just the validation that it's ok to feel this way, that I'm not being unreasonable, means the world to me. Thanks guys.