A Messy Christmas
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 317
A Messy Christmas
I have been on and off this board a couple of times. I drink too much, three to four glasses of wine, but I've been tapering off since Ihad a panic attack about a month ago. My husband used to drink, quit drinking, hadn't drunk in about six years, but didn't quit smoking pot. He quit pot around the end of October, and has been pot free for three months. But now I have noticed him helping himself to some wine at social events in our home, and this last week I noticed him looking and acting in way I recognize from when he used to drink heavily and sure enough found an empty six pack of ale in the trash on Monday and today. So, the first time I said nothing because I didn't want to provoke a big scene right before Christmas and he was acting fine. Tonight my adult daughters are coming over to celebrate a late Christmas - watch movies, eat pie, etc, and then wake up and do a belated Christmas morning. So I don't want to confront him tonight and start a big fuss before my family comes over. And other than being in a down mood, he's not being an ass.
You know what triggered this? That he's found out his sister and brother-in-law have been lying to him about their drug use - opium on the BIL's part and prescription pills on her part. He just spent around $500 on them for Christmas (rather than on a guitar he wanted) because he thought they were broke and felt sorry for them, and now he's really pissed. So let's drink (???) Well, I get it. Finding out he had been drinking made me want to have a drink - not to commiserate, just to deal with my nerves because he can be a Jekyll/Hyde drunk. Everybody has their pacifier.
So I've been reading and reading and reading on this board and coming to the conclusion that I have lots of issues myself: I rely on wine to alleviate boredom and tolerate some issues in my marriage.
Now I want to be totally sober for a while, a good while, for my own health, because I think I need some clarification and because I think drinking around my husband has been selfish - even tho' my excuse was he had his pot. And I think I have some codependency issues too. No, duh.
But as mad as he is about his sister gorking out on Christmas Day and ruining his family's Christmas morning, here he is doing the sneak drink - (and since he's taking the dog for a walk, probably trying to sneak one more beer) on my family's Christmas. My daughters are not here yet but I can call them off if he starts acting like an ass.
I feel angry, chagrined, stupid for not quitting or saying "Hey, let's go to AA together," and pissed that he's doing what his sister did. He is muttering about cutting his family off and 2014 is going to be HIS year and he's going to do what he wants and I can either come with him (where?) or stay. That won't be a hard choice - I'm not moving with a dry drunk out of the state where my job, friends, and daughters are just because he hates it. Oy. Thanks for listening.
You know what triggered this? That he's found out his sister and brother-in-law have been lying to him about their drug use - opium on the BIL's part and prescription pills on her part. He just spent around $500 on them for Christmas (rather than on a guitar he wanted) because he thought they were broke and felt sorry for them, and now he's really pissed. So let's drink (???) Well, I get it. Finding out he had been drinking made me want to have a drink - not to commiserate, just to deal with my nerves because he can be a Jekyll/Hyde drunk. Everybody has their pacifier.
So I've been reading and reading and reading on this board and coming to the conclusion that I have lots of issues myself: I rely on wine to alleviate boredom and tolerate some issues in my marriage.
Now I want to be totally sober for a while, a good while, for my own health, because I think I need some clarification and because I think drinking around my husband has been selfish - even tho' my excuse was he had his pot. And I think I have some codependency issues too. No, duh.
But as mad as he is about his sister gorking out on Christmas Day and ruining his family's Christmas morning, here he is doing the sneak drink - (and since he's taking the dog for a walk, probably trying to sneak one more beer) on my family's Christmas. My daughters are not here yet but I can call them off if he starts acting like an ass.
I feel angry, chagrined, stupid for not quitting or saying "Hey, let's go to AA together," and pissed that he's doing what his sister did. He is muttering about cutting his family off and 2014 is going to be HIS year and he's going to do what he wants and I can either come with him (where?) or stay. That won't be a hard choice - I'm not moving with a dry drunk out of the state where my job, friends, and daughters are just because he hates it. Oy. Thanks for listening.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 542
The good news is that you can put all of this behind you and create a new way of life.
Each day is day that you can create the life you desire for you and your husband.
It sounds like he is having fear, and you as well.
Time for a sit down at the table and say this stops now.
You can do it.
Each day is day that you can create the life you desire for you and your husband.
It sounds like he is having fear, and you as well.
Time for a sit down at the table and say this stops now.
You can do it.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 317
Thank you for your replies.
Well, here's what I did after I posted. I prayed. Then after a conversation with my daughter I decided not to let what mood my husband may or may not be in or the fact that he drank ruin my plans for the evening. It didn't seem productive to point out to him when he'd been drinking that I knew he'd been drinking as that would spark the old
"I did not," "Yes, you did. I found the bottles in the trash" conversation which has never led to anything in the past other than an argument first and an apology a day later. So I cooked dinner, we ate, watched some TV, and he went to bed early. He wasn't abusive/ angry/ nasty at all but a little grumpy. So as someone who used to drink on the sneak myself when I wanted to drink but didn't want to drink in front of him - this is getting laughable - I let it lie for the time being.
Woke up on Saturday. Had a great day with my kids and their boyfriends, had no alcohol in the house, Hubby was amiable and said how much he enjoyed himself.
Today was church and a time of prayer together - and although he didn't admit drinking, he did ask forgiveness for being disobedient and for God to help him control his tongue.
Me, this was my first totally no-alcohol-whatsoever Christmas for a long, long time, either on Christmas Day itself or yesterday when we celebrated it as a family. I looked longingly at some bottles of champagne when I was at the grocery store, but reminded myself that I was longing for the romance of champagne, and that it was just another bottle of wine, and would give me the same yucky semi-hangover that three to four glasses of white wine would.
So, my goal for today is to not drink, to work on my own *&^%, to read and pray, and not spend time formulating ways that I can approach hubby to get him to confess that he drank on the sneak so I can shame him with it while still trying to look like a good wife who's just trying to "help."
Being honest with myself that every time I poured another glass of wine, it was my choice, and whether he drinks or does not is his choice. I can only choose how I react.
There is more to this recovery stuff than I ever imagined. It's almost too much, but I am telling myself that just for today I need to not drink. Knowing myself, every time someone says "you can't," it makes me want to do the opposite. So I'm telling myself that I choose for my health and for my life going forward to drink water and not wine today. Four or five o'clock on the weekends is usually the start bell for getting out the wine bottle opener and a cold bottle, but I've made it four days with no wine and I feel good about it.
Well, here's what I did after I posted. I prayed. Then after a conversation with my daughter I decided not to let what mood my husband may or may not be in or the fact that he drank ruin my plans for the evening. It didn't seem productive to point out to him when he'd been drinking that I knew he'd been drinking as that would spark the old
"I did not," "Yes, you did. I found the bottles in the trash" conversation which has never led to anything in the past other than an argument first and an apology a day later. So I cooked dinner, we ate, watched some TV, and he went to bed early. He wasn't abusive/ angry/ nasty at all but a little grumpy. So as someone who used to drink on the sneak myself when I wanted to drink but didn't want to drink in front of him - this is getting laughable - I let it lie for the time being.
Woke up on Saturday. Had a great day with my kids and their boyfriends, had no alcohol in the house, Hubby was amiable and said how much he enjoyed himself.
Today was church and a time of prayer together - and although he didn't admit drinking, he did ask forgiveness for being disobedient and for God to help him control his tongue.
Me, this was my first totally no-alcohol-whatsoever Christmas for a long, long time, either on Christmas Day itself or yesterday when we celebrated it as a family. I looked longingly at some bottles of champagne when I was at the grocery store, but reminded myself that I was longing for the romance of champagne, and that it was just another bottle of wine, and would give me the same yucky semi-hangover that three to four glasses of white wine would.
So, my goal for today is to not drink, to work on my own *&^%, to read and pray, and not spend time formulating ways that I can approach hubby to get him to confess that he drank on the sneak so I can shame him with it while still trying to look like a good wife who's just trying to "help."
Being honest with myself that every time I poured another glass of wine, it was my choice, and whether he drinks or does not is his choice. I can only choose how I react.
There is more to this recovery stuff than I ever imagined. It's almost too much, but I am telling myself that just for today I need to not drink. Knowing myself, every time someone says "you can't," it makes me want to do the opposite. So I'm telling myself that I choose for my health and for my life going forward to drink water and not wine today. Four or five o'clock on the weekends is usually the start bell for getting out the wine bottle opener and a cold bottle, but I've made it four days with no wine and I feel good about it.
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Branches - YAY on 4 days and not engaging in a no-win argument with your husband.
FWIW, I came here as an addict with 6 months recovery under my belt. I was pretty sure (okay, I was definitely sure but a bit in denial) that I was a codie (codependent).
I started reading the friends & family forums and continued to work on my addiction. The combination of the support from all these people? Amazing. I actually feel the codie recovery is far harder, but working it has made a huge difference in my life.
Just a suggestion. I actually found MANY forums I "fit" into or, even if I didn't, I got something from those who posted there.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
FWIW, I came here as an addict with 6 months recovery under my belt. I was pretty sure (okay, I was definitely sure but a bit in denial) that I was a codie (codependent).
I started reading the friends & family forums and continued to work on my addiction. The combination of the support from all these people? Amazing. I actually feel the codie recovery is far harder, but working it has made a huge difference in my life.
Just a suggestion. I actually found MANY forums I "fit" into or, even if I didn't, I got something from those who posted there.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Poconos PA
Posts: 1,544
Ahh the sneaky beers syndrome. I was sooo good at that, at least I thought I was just like your husband thought he was. Lead by example, if you don't drink and keep nothing in the house it sounds like there is a chance he won't either. Of course he could just take the dogs out for another long walk past the bar. Why not take that walk with him next time? 
Good job on the four days and keep at it.
Good job on the four days and keep at it.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 317
Thanks for all your support and suggestions. Made it thru Sunday, Day 5, and now I'm back at work. I explained to a dear friend why I (we) would not be attending a New Year's function and would be going to church service instead.
Interesting wearing both hats, the dependent and the co-dependent - or at least acknowledging to myself that I wear both of them and letting myself think about that. My alcohol consumption was heavy, but had not caused me (yet) to suffer very painful consequences, thank God, other than an occasional hangover and anxiety attack. What convicts me that I have an issue is what I read on another post or two about "normal" people don't spend so much time thinking about their drinking, wonder if they drink too much, justify their drinking, and if they were told they couldn't drink anymore, they would probably say, "Bummer, but okay." Or if their spouse couldn't drink anymore, they wouldn't feel pouty about not having alcohol in the house, like I did.
It feels good physically not drinking, which is what I concentrate on. On the co-dependent side, I conquered the urge again this morning to control the possibility of another slip by hubby by making some "premptive strike" type comments along the lines of "If you're planning to continue drinking, " blah, blah. I keep referring back to how I would react if someone made those comments to me.
This may sound weird, but in my prayers I asked God to let me know the right words to say and the right time to say them and if I'm supposed to say anything at all.
The answer to my prayer is I'm more getting the message to "mind your own business and take care of YOUR stuff, Branches, and leave your hubby to ME (God)."
Interesting wearing both hats, the dependent and the co-dependent - or at least acknowledging to myself that I wear both of them and letting myself think about that. My alcohol consumption was heavy, but had not caused me (yet) to suffer very painful consequences, thank God, other than an occasional hangover and anxiety attack. What convicts me that I have an issue is what I read on another post or two about "normal" people don't spend so much time thinking about their drinking, wonder if they drink too much, justify their drinking, and if they were told they couldn't drink anymore, they would probably say, "Bummer, but okay." Or if their spouse couldn't drink anymore, they wouldn't feel pouty about not having alcohol in the house, like I did.
It feels good physically not drinking, which is what I concentrate on. On the co-dependent side, I conquered the urge again this morning to control the possibility of another slip by hubby by making some "premptive strike" type comments along the lines of "If you're planning to continue drinking, " blah, blah. I keep referring back to how I would react if someone made those comments to me.
This may sound weird, but in my prayers I asked God to let me know the right words to say and the right time to say them and if I'm supposed to say anything at all.
The answer to my prayer is I'm more getting the message to "mind your own business and take care of YOUR stuff, Branches, and leave your hubby to ME (God)."
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