Need recovered A's perspective
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Gulf Coast, Florida USA
Posts: 5,731
Originally Posted by suki44883 
Whether or not we are recovering or recovered is a topic for a different thread. I'm pretty sure changingchoices doesn't care that much about semantics.
ur right sorry we were sidetracked.
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Join Date: May 2013
Location: Mid-Atlantic
Posts: 552
Originally Posted by changeschoices
Ouch. I endured beatings, being cheated on, financially exploited to the tune of thousands of dollars, rage attacks, and on and on from my alcoholic ex, all while standing by him while he earned himself criminal convictions, getting fired from jobs, no drivers license for two years, bankruptcy, and a host of other awful consequences. I certainly was not an incessant nag. I was doing the best I could to recover from the harrowing pain of life with him when he actively drank. Even my dog cowered from him.
You don't get to blame screwing your life up on that large of a scale on anybody, or on alcohol. Quitting drinking may fix some of the colossal FUTURE mistakes I'm sure he'll make. But, all you know is what's ALREADY happened. If he was going to change, REALLY change- he'd own it. He's clearly not owning it since he's blaming you for his relapse... that's just some BS right there. He did ALL THAT and expects to be sober for 7 mos - and BAM all is forgiven?? It doesn't work that way. just, no.
Without ATONEMENT, apologies are just useless words. Atonement means you "get it", and you won't hurt that person in that way ever again. It means you're willing to stay the course to earn forgiveness. Your relationship may not have been past the point of forgiveness- but he wouldn't know because apparently 7 mos of sobriety is "enough" to decipher whether that's possible after YEARS of mistreatment. He didn't "get it"...obviously. Meaning- he's not changed.
I hope from the bottom of my heart that you're done with this joker. No, you aren't a horrible person. IMO he did you a favor, and showed his true colors to the bone. Good riddance. I wish you weren't even questioning yourself. I know you said you wanted to do counseling with him. But, I think you should consider just doing it for you!! You can't continue to get into those kinds of relationships. NOT OKAY.
Something in you allowed yourself to keep going back to that mess, that's all I'd be questioning at this point.
Sending you all my best.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Ohio
Posts: 3,785
He made a choice. Plain and simple. You have no control over his choices. Him blaming you is his way of justifying his actions which is another thing you cannot control.
IMO, he is not done yet.
If at this time he is not willing to do all the things required to remain sober, he will not remain sober. He wants to do what he wants to do without shame and guilt. You could have said nothing and he would still have relapsed. He is blaming you for the relapse because it does not seem he is ready to look at himself.
You did not do anything that caused him to drink again. That is on him, his choice.
My advice would be to walk away. I know that is hard and seems heartless but you have to think about you. That is what he is doing. He is only thinking of himself and when he can't handle himself, he points in your direction. Remove yourself as the target of blame.
There will come a time when he is sobbing in his beer and you will get that drunk phone call. Ignore it. Move on with your life knowing you are not the cause nor the cure.
We can never say what will happen today much less tomorrow. In the meantime take care of yourself.
IMO, he is not done yet.
If at this time he is not willing to do all the things required to remain sober, he will not remain sober. He wants to do what he wants to do without shame and guilt. You could have said nothing and he would still have relapsed. He is blaming you for the relapse because it does not seem he is ready to look at himself.
You did not do anything that caused him to drink again. That is on him, his choice.
My advice would be to walk away. I know that is hard and seems heartless but you have to think about you. That is what he is doing. He is only thinking of himself and when he can't handle himself, he points in your direction. Remove yourself as the target of blame.
There will come a time when he is sobbing in his beer and you will get that drunk phone call. Ignore it. Move on with your life knowing you are not the cause nor the cure.
We can never say what will happen today much less tomorrow. In the meantime take care of yourself.
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Eastern Us
Posts: 1,366
To me, from your description of your ex, it sounds that you escaped a terrible relationship. Who beats and steals from someone they love?
On a different issue. I've never seen a healthy relationship where past mistakes are often brought up in present arguments. The problem is the past is static, there is nothing that can be done to change it. Sure, just compensation can be given, forgiveness asked and bestowed (or not), but it doesn't change the past one bit.
On a different issue. I've never seen a healthy relationship where past mistakes are often brought up in present arguments. The problem is the past is static, there is nothing that can be done to change it. Sure, just compensation can be given, forgiveness asked and bestowed (or not), but it doesn't change the past one bit.
voices ca**y
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: St. Paul Minnesota
Posts: 4,352
Originally Posted by changeschoices
Ouch. I endured beatings, being cheated on, financially exploited to the tune of thousands of dollars, rage attacks, and on and on from my alcoholic ex, all while standing by him while he earned himself criminal convictions, getting fired from jobs, no drivers license for two years, bankruptcy, and a host of other awful consequences. I certainly was not an incessant nag. I was doing the best I could to recover from the harrowing pain of life with him when he actively drank. Even my dog cowered from him.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 433
I appreciate all your replies. It really does give me perspective. I agree with those who said a healthy relationship shouldn't involve bringing up the past. When it comes right down to it, I don't think I could forgive my ex boyfriend for the past. Both because he wasn't working his recovery, so I knew that the past could happen again in an instant--and because I should've just left him once the abuse started.
Because I'm realizing that my ex's alcoholism was one thing, but his abusiveness was another. That many alcoholics do not abuse their loved ones like that, even in the worst grip of addiction. My uncle has been sober 20 years and even at his worst points, he never once laid a hand on my aunt, or raised his voice to her, or cheated on her. One day, he got up and said, "I'm tired of living like this", checked himself into rehab, got out and went to AA, and has been going ever since. Twenty years sober, not a single relapse, and he has sponsored many. He is heavily involved in charitable work and he'd give the shirt off his back to help someone. He is a lovely person.
I think there's more than alcoholism that is my ex's problem.
Because I'm realizing that my ex's alcoholism was one thing, but his abusiveness was another. That many alcoholics do not abuse their loved ones like that, even in the worst grip of addiction. My uncle has been sober 20 years and even at his worst points, he never once laid a hand on my aunt, or raised his voice to her, or cheated on her. One day, he got up and said, "I'm tired of living like this", checked himself into rehab, got out and went to AA, and has been going ever since. Twenty years sober, not a single relapse, and he has sponsored many. He is heavily involved in charitable work and he'd give the shirt off his back to help someone. He is a lovely person.
I think there's more than alcoholism that is my ex's problem.
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Eastern Us
Posts: 1,366
Indeed the abuse is a separate issue and you did absolutely nothing to cause it. You are the victim of bus behavior and you should get as far away from that man as possible. You cannot fix his issues. Am glad you are safe now.
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
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Originally Posted by changeschoices
I think there's more than alcoholism that is my ex's problem.
Grateful to be free
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,680
My suggestion to folks in relationships with addicts/alcholics (of which I am both) is to not put up with any thing that they wouldn't put up with from someone who isn't and addict/alcoholic.
We are not that amazingly different from everyone else, nor are all our issues the sole result of some evil drug in our system. If we act badly, don't assume it's because some chemical is working in us and so you should let it slide.
A lie is a lie. A punch is a punch. An act of infidelity is still an act of infidelity and a crime is a crime. And an a-hole is an a-hole no matter whether they took a pill or a drink or not.
Getting clean and sober IS a major change but that alone is not good enough reason to think that everything has changed and that all should be forgiven, forgotten and put in the past.
I think both addicts and those who love them assign way too much to substance abuse. It's a huge issue, but it is rarely THE issue on which every other problem in life can be blamed. Oh, if it were only that easy. If it were, getting clean and sober would be a cinch, break the physical addiction and it's all good.
We are not that amazingly different from everyone else, nor are all our issues the sole result of some evil drug in our system. If we act badly, don't assume it's because some chemical is working in us and so you should let it slide.
A lie is a lie. A punch is a punch. An act of infidelity is still an act of infidelity and a crime is a crime. And an a-hole is an a-hole no matter whether they took a pill or a drink or not.
Getting clean and sober IS a major change but that alone is not good enough reason to think that everything has changed and that all should be forgiven, forgotten and put in the past.
I think both addicts and those who love them assign way too much to substance abuse. It's a huge issue, but it is rarely THE issue on which every other problem in life can be blamed. Oh, if it were only that easy. If it were, getting clean and sober would be a cinch, break the physical addiction and it's all good.
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