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I just don't know what to do.

Old 12-26-2013, 08:00 PM
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Do You Believe
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I just don't know what to do.

Hi All,

I haven't been here back for a while. I had an episode in Las Vegas where I was attending a conference and tings got way out of hand (not a good place to go BTW if you have a drinking problem). I ended up contemplating suicide and quickly ended up in a psych ward. I wasn't committed to actually following through on my thoughts so after a 2 day stay I was released to a treatment center back home. I went through a treatment program for 30 days last Feb.

I have been sober for over 10 months. I spent some time in AA had a sponsor but I really didn't feel it was for me. No judgments against AA, it just wasn't helpful for me. I saw therapists and that helped a bit but in the end almost everything we discussed and the actions I should follow were all common sense and I arrived at the same conclusions before hand. I have tried anti depressants but they had side affects that I deemed were not acceptable. Memory issues, cognitive response dulled, sexual side effects etc.

I have a good job with a fantastic company. That is not to say that I am really happy with my job, but it fits all the parameters that I feel are needed right now for my family. Family is healthy and supportive.

So what is wrong? I hate the label "alcoholic". I cringe when I hear it on TV or in a movie. I cringe when I see alcohol ads when I am watching TV with others. I am uncomfortable being around others when alcohol(ics) topics come up. I feel slightly broken and less valuable. I feel trapped. I feel so ashamed, I feel like I cannot be around others that know about my situation as I feel that I am being judged. This feeling of being judged has been a problem in my life before and obviously drinking helped it. Some people have told me to own it (the label), and don't let it define you. I do not know how to do these things.

I am really suffering from a lack of motivation to do anything...period. In fact I feel that I am simply living life. Not loving life.

I really feel like moving away and reinventing myself (aka running away). I don't know what to do. I want to simply close the door on that part of my life and move forward, but cannot. I know I am in a dangerous area right now. I just don't know what to do....how to change my perspective. I am missing something. I am becoming increasingly desperate and despondent.

I am not looking to run to the bottle. That much is very clear. Does the thought cross my mind. Sure it does. But I do not act on it. It is so obvious that it would make my situation a thousand times worse. (People judging me would be unbearable).

Anyways, if anyone has any thoughts or advice I would love to hear them.

Sorry for being so verbose and long winded. Thanks for reading if you got this far.
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Old 12-26-2013, 08:18 PM
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I know for me, simply not drinking wasn't enough. You say AA is not for you, but have you tried any of the other recovery programs? The program of AA worked for me, but there are a lot of other resources and programs. That being said, just because I'm sober doesn't mean I'm always going to be happy. I go through the same ups and downs as anyone else, I just know that drinking won't help. I know my feelings are temporary, and I can work through them better now that I have some time in sobriety. It's difficult to tell from your post how long you've been sober. But I know for me, now that I've been sober a while and cleared the wreckage of my past, I no longer care about the label "alcoholic". I only cared about that when I was drinking and newly sober. Now, it's just a fact like saying I'm short or allergic to cats. Since I don't drink, there's no sting.
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Old 12-26-2013, 08:19 PM
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Hi and welcome back dybehfar

I'm sorry for all you've been through but I'm glad you got through all that.

If the label alcoholic upsets you, why not do what many have done (particularly in Rational Recovery) and simple refer to yourself as a non-drinker?

If it's more than the label, and the fact you've had a problem upsets you and you're struggling with the stigma and the shame, regret, guilt and negative self image things like that, maybe counselling could help?

D
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Old 12-26-2013, 09:02 PM
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If it makes you feel any better ,I don't actually know if im an alcoholic or not .

Here is what I DO know ,I feel better when I don't drink .

Drinking HAS caused me problems in the past .

If it gives you trouble just leave it alone .

People overcomplicate the problem -IMO
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Old 12-26-2013, 09:21 PM
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Welcome back. Makes no difference what you call it. I call it this 'thing' quite often. You can't really close the door on it. You have to accept it.
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Old 12-27-2013, 03:13 AM
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There are other modes of help aside from AA. I hope you find something that suits you xx
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Old 12-27-2013, 03:36 AM
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hi dyb, your mind is playing tricks on you. I wouldn't discount that the obsessive thoughts about alcoholics and alcoholism are your subconscious craving for alcohol.
If you stay around SR long enough you'll 'meet' many alcoholics who are living proud, useful and sober lives. Sometimes the struggle with alcoholism gives people an added dimension to their character. I know who I'd rather hang out with.
If you accept that you will live a sober life from now on, for your sake and that of your family you will be right to be proud of yourself, and compassionate to those you don't have your strength. All the best.
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