NoJimmy

Today is day 60. I should be excited, but I'm just in a funk (I'm not gonna drink). The woman I love and been apart from for 60-days, and remained hopeful to get back together with revealed behavior to me yesterday that really disturbs me. I have struggled with why she has kept in touch for 60-days, telling me how much she misses me and cares, but never really showing it with any concern or support. Between that and what appears to be false hope, stonewalling, and keeping me in a clearly one down position, it has felt pretty abusive. The situation created yesterday could have been easily avoided, but it made it clear that the events yesterday and the last 60-days seems to be about her being in control.
This was our first major problem as a couple. But now that my brain isn't cobbed up with booze and bong resin, I reflect back on other smaller signs. I shouldn't be surprised that a woman who would be attracted to a man with the problems I brought to the table wouldn't have problems of her own. And I shouldn't be surprised that taking off the beer goggles wouldn't change the way I look at the world I created with them on, it's just a tough realization.
Good news I made 60-days with no end in sight, bad news, reality can be hard to see. I have other things to be grateful for and focus on, which I will pour my attention on moving forward. But the above is what I'm reflecting on and grieving this morning, yesterday was tough and disappointing.

Opivotal

Congratulations on 60 days Jimmy! Keep up the great work.

Hawkeye13

NoJimmy;
The best news and most important thing is that you are still sober, and still going to stay sober, despite the painful situation.

I recall how much you love(ed) this women from your earlier posts, so this is no small thing.

When she wanted you to leave her alone, yet to contact you when she felt like it,
I wondered if this was a control thing and that she had her own issues but was letting you and your drinking take the fall for all the issues.

It sounds very much like you are seeing this for yourself as the fog clears and you get some distance.

What I see in your postings is a young man who will be a great "catch" for someone who has the emotional maturity to appreciate you when the time comes.

You have stuck to your decision to not drink, you obviously are capable of loving deeply and honestly, and you are able to express emotions.

Grieve and know that you have learned so much and given yourself the gift of sobriety whatever the outcome of this relationship,
and that you will move into 2014 with a clear head and ready for the next growth opportunity.

Best wishes for a wonderful year and healing for the present moment.

NoJimmy

Thanks Hawkeye. I wanted so badly for that not to be the case, I'm just crushed right now. Having lost hope is almost more painful than loosing her. At least before I could had hope she'd give me another chance, today I don't know how I could give her one. She's been texting me today, I don't know what to say but nothing. I want to tell her how badly she's hurt me, but there's probably no point. She hasn't been interested in talking or understanding my feelings to date. I haven't felt so emotionally drained this whole 60-days, I'm emotionally immobilized today.
Sorry my 60-day milestone isn't the touchdown dance moment I had envisioned. Maybe the 90-day milestone will be.

Cathryn2001

I second Hawkeye's Words:

What I see in your postings is a young man who will be a great "catch" for someone who has the emotional maturity to appreciate you when the time comes. You have stuck to your decision to not drink, you obviously are capable of loving deeply and honestly, and you are able to express emotions.

Congratulations on 60 days!

Hawkeye13

You can do this and will be stronger on the other side of it.

Feeling the feelings is important, and that "draining feeling" is the release.

Maybe just let it rest for now.
We are here for you.

alba67

Well done on your sixtieth jimmy, I,m on day 59 so i,m just a day behind you mate.

Mags1

Hiya NoJimmy with my sobriety came a realisation that my booze had been the blame for everything, it's a good mask for our loved ones to hide behind if they wish.

Being sober has changed me though, I have nothing to hide, I'm honest and true and that's what I want from my marriage. I'm not taking second best, anymore . I don't need to, life's too short and I want to live it sober, with hopefully my husband.

But, as much as it would pain me, I'm not staying married because it's easier, I will not compromise anymore. I deserve better.

Sorry, NoJimmy, for the rant, your problems just reminded me a little of mine and where I stand with it.

I know all will work out well for you, it may take time and I second what Hawkeye and Catherine said.

NoJimmy

I suppose. I'm just being today, no threat I will drink that's for sure. Fighting the urge to respond to her texts, it's unnatural to me to stonewall someone, especially someone I care about.

flman

Hey NoJimmy! Ur situation very much reminds me of myself. I too have been with a woman for 7 years on and off and now that I'm sober I realize the selfish things She has done. I think what you are feeling is perfectly normal and it's good we deal with our emotions rather then suppressing them by drinking. For so long I would just pour a glass and not deal with the problems that my relationship had. Why waste our time and our life with the wrong person. We only live once and we should enjoy it! Hope everything works out for u! Congrats on staying sober during such a tough time!

NoJimmy

Thanks Mags, I'm familiar with your story and had commented on a couple of your posts as well. I guess I drew some parallels as well. It's tough to decide how hard to fight for someone we love. I'd give it everything I had if I felt similar effort from her. But when the words don't match the actions...

NoJimmy

I can't say she is the wrong person, we do have a genuine connection, and I adore her daughters. But we have outlived our usefulness to one another for now at least. I feel terrible for loosing control the night I did, and it sucks she has mistreated me since then. I would have preferred we worked it out or stepped away without adding more problems. I don't like this feeling that we are leaving unfinished business, but she seems unwilling to resolve anything or discuss things to reach a deeper understanding. Even if it was for closure, and to leave things in a healthier place for us to move on. But I suppose that would require her to stop seeing herself as a victim.
Yeah it is funny to reflect back on how fat, dumb, drunk and happy I was 61+ days ago. I don't regret being put on my current path of sobriety, but I wish it hadn't cost me her and the girls. They mean(t) the world to me. Maybe that's ignorant bliss, perhaps it would never work the way I see things now. Beyond the behavioral changes, I'd need her to moderate drinking and at least tone down the pot use.

Dee74

Congratulations on 60 days NoJimmy.

I'm sorry for your pain - I hope as you continue to work on your recovery, you'll find some kind of peace about the way things have turned out.

Whatever your future holds I feel it's a good one

D

jdooner

Good job NJ. I remember your first post...it resonated with me strongly and to be honest I was not sure how things would go given how tied to the breakup you were. You should be proud, congratulations. Things happen for a reason. I am sure your an amazing guy and will find someone that you can have a real relationship with with clarity!

Merry Christmas!

NoJimmy

To be honest I'm not at peace with how things turned out at all. My sobriety is the only decent take away from this situation. I'm still wrestling with what to do, just walk away without an explanation? That just doesn't feel right to me.

But I appreciate you're confidence in my future.

NoJimmy

And I recall how many people told me I needed to do this for me (she did too). I did do it for them, but from the start I also had a vision of my future, and that remains. I'm not feeling very amazing these days though, feeling pretty discarded right now.

Dee74

I know you're not at peace right now - 60 days is quite a small amount of time to get over things like this, really.
The mixed messages probably don;t help either.

I lost not one but two relationships through my drinking - it takes time to make your peace with that.
I look back now and I'm happy with how my life turned out, for both me and my ex-partners.

I have no idea how your story will play out but I hope, in time, I hope you'll be able to look back and feel the same

D

NoJimmy

I hope so too. I've been all over the map today, and it sucks. As much as I realize the situation is no good, I'm having a hard time letting go. Not that there is anything left to hang on to. I'm not often depressed, but I sure am today

Gal220

Congratulations! I know for me that second 30 days was harder than the first, and I didn't have relationships to deal with. Staying sober is worth it!

Brian316

Congratulations on 60 days dude! I am thinking the quality of your sobriety will improve when this relationship is done as you know we can't change or control people. There are messed up things in my life now too and I am up and down a lot, but we must remain members of the I don't drink no matter what club!