JaylaaKent

Doug - maybe you are not an alcoholic? If you were able to quit drinking without much effort, and then now have gone back to controlled drinking - then you might not be an alcoholic. Sometimes people who are concerned or socially/family pressured to quit heavy drinking become concerned they are an alcoholic, but are just a heavy drinker.

For me - I'm an alcoholic - so I can't drink moderately. Who does that? :P It's for a drunk rip roaring time -- drink to get drunk. Period. I can get buzzed for a day or two (when I relapsed) but inevitably I found myself "buzz chasing" and within a week or two drinking all day/night. I really haven't had the "lure" of giving it another try since my last relapse (going on 2 months now). I also quit counting days - I focus more on today and managing not drinking today.

Mel12

Thanks for the message Doug, which I found helpful as I consider my own plan. I too have more time on my hands during the holiday season, which is why I resurfaced on the SR boards. By reading the messages every day, I am hoping to get through the holiday season without drinking. My project for 2014 is to keep the fire going bright without the fire water! :-) A good New Year to you Doug!

Mel12

An early Happy Birthday to you! Glad you are here (we 50-somethings have to stick together . . . )

TomSawyer

The first night of my relapse, I drank one beer. That was it. That was very influential in convincing me that I was not an alcoholic after all. The next time I drank, it was only 2 beers. It actually took about a month or two before I was back to my old ways. Just be careful!

methodman1019

Hi Doug,

About 8 years ago I said that I was sick of the constant battle in my head of getting sober. It seemed to me that not drinking was just too big a task and I said "XXXX it." Drinking was just easier. I went back out for those 8 years in between then and now.

Funny thing is, I could no longer shake the feeling and thinking that I was now doing something wrong by drinking. The cat was out of the bag. There would be no comfort in drinking again, even it it felt like that at times. Ahhhh, freedom! I'm done with all this sobriety talk and thinking. I'm just who I am. If I looked closely, and often I couldn't cause I was drunk, I would know the shame of drinking again bugged me just as much as being sober. Thing is, sober was so much better if I looked closely.

It's your AV, doug. It thrives on the feelings you have. Sobriety is a struggle. It's the hardest thing I've ever done with my life. But even the worst days sober are 10x better than my best drinking. These days I separate myself from that AV voice. It's NOT me. I replay my final days of puking in a towel and feeling so anxious I can't stand up. Sober is better.

Sorry for the long post. You're post brought me back to the days I just said "XXXX it". I want sobriety. I hope you find your way back.

All the best to you over the holidays.

Methodman.

Doug39

I will admit sobriety feels better than being a drunkard.

Eating well feels better than eating junk.

Exercizing makes me feel better than being a fat lump.

But for some reason I choose the bad things.

This post is true for me, I am sick of thinking about my problems.

newme2day

We are all here for you Doug. Keep posting! I usually make the bad choices too. I love junk food, even though I know it's bad for me. As far as drinking though, I really hope I never pick up a glass of wine (or any other alcoholic beverage) again. I am trying my best. I like the way I feel when I am sober. Best of luck to you in the new year. I know you can do this.

ScottFromWI

I was sick about thinking of it too when I went back to drinking. Then once I was back to maintenance drinking in a couple months I realized I was much sicker as a drunk. It will get there again for you Doug, its inevitable, no matter what your AV tells you. I pray you find the strength to listen to reason before your health deteriorates to the point it was last time you talked to your doctor about it. But you may choose to seek a new bottom..I hope the hole you dig isn't too deep to climb out of. You have a choice.

RobbyRobot

I'm thinking the results are already in, imo, from reading your past threads. What is still unknown, again imo, is how much more you somehow seem to believe you need before you can see the writing on the wall with your drinking. Your message boils down to controlled drinking since you say what will and will not happen with your present drinking. These controls almost always fail sooner then later, has been my own experience.

It may indeed seem to you alcoholics can't or don't understand such concepts as you are sharing about, but just wanted you to know this sober and recovered alcoholic understands very well what you are sharing, Doug.

I guess will have to agree to disagree on all that. No worries. Be safe and take care over the holidays.

jkb

Hi Doug-

To me it does not at all sound like you want to be drunk you just dont want to keep stressing about being sober. I was like that a while back also. Anyway, what I was told was to quit living my life around not drinking..... that made a world of difference to me.

I hope you can moderate. I hope you are not an alcoholic but, if you are I hope that you come back on the 2nd full of resolve and ready to start over.

Jess

anyistoomuch

This is extremely insightful methodman.

Doug - I am sorry you are feeling so fed up and defeated. I don't know you enough to give advice on how to change those feelings and give you a better quality of life, but I want for you to have real happiness. You don't sound happy.

We can rationalize anything we want at any time, but deep down we know the truth. And sometimes knowing the truth we drown it.

I am sorry your partner drinks so much when you are struggling to stay sober.

We are human, we do the best we can.

I hope you get a burst of energy and feel empowered again to do things that give you a better life in the long term, quick fixes usually stop working quickly.

Please keep posting.

w2r

People need other people.
Being sober made you feel so good. Yet you had placed yourself in an unsustainable position of isolation.
Your relationship with your wife seems to be a big part of the problem as well.
I know very little about AA, but I think that you would be the right person to try out their meetings, as well as Alanon.
Its not alcohol you want....its a life you want. I'm rooting for you!

karate

Think what you want ,I came here for a while .resisting all the knowledge on here .

Kept drinking "moderate", Just a 24 oz on the way home ,then a 24 ,and a 12 ,then buy a 6 pack of tall boys and drink 3 , see where this is going .

I caught it in time -this time and quit.

You might be the odd 1/2 of 1 % that can hold it in check ,But im not sure you want to risk it .

Think of it this way ,There would be no profit in me telling you some ******** "NEVER DRINK AGAIN OR YOU WILL DIE " ,What would I gain from that ?

Im not a AA member ,But I do know MY SELF and im just like the rest here ,with respect to what ill do ,with alcohol .