Gal220

This is so strange, because I have a completely different understanding of the term. Maybe it's a regional thing? The way I understood it was that a dry drunk was "restless, irritable, and discontent", going through the same mental anguish that would (for me anyway) have led to a drink, but doesn't actually pick up. I've never understood it to mean being a jerk to other people (although maybe that's where the irritable part comes in). I would only ever use this term to describe myself, not others. And whenever I've heard someone use it in conversation, it's always been with regards to themselves.

There have been several times in my own sobriety that I would have referred to myself as a dry drunk. My emotional and spiritual state was such that I might as well have been drinking. The fact that I didn't physically pick up a drink was small comfort because I was miserable anyway. The quality of my sobriety was nil. I would even begin to revert to old behaviors - isolating myself, being secretive, being dishonest with others and myself, engaging in other compulsive behaviors - all without drinking. I guess if that makes me a jerk, that makes me a jerk. But just like I would never diagnose someone else as an alcoholic, I would never diagnose someone else as a dry drunk. I also didn't know people use it to describe someone who isn't in AA. I've never heard it used that way.

Itchy

I don't fit the definition nor use the term. I do find the labeling when used in an attempt to offend someone into compliance just plain offensive. I loved my little AA home group, but had to leave at about three months after I realized I didn't need nor want a sponsor, and that the steps would be redundant to what I'd learned in life. I didn't leave because I was offended, but because I realized that I wasn't long term and was done. I really liked them. The ego thing I call self respect I have. As well as liking and earning respect again.

Life does not get easier just because we get sober. We just get better at dealing with it.

IOAA2

With the assistance of AAs fellowship I've been sober (drink free) a good number of years and heard and liked the explanation of dry drunk as someone "acting and reacting the same as when we were drinking." That fits me too well at times as I occasionally get feelings of unnecessary financial distress, angry at drivers in front in a 40 MPH driving 20MPH, things not going my way, (control) and various other defects I have. They come and go and usually are short lived and more annoying than serious in my reactions. I haven't wanted a drink in many years so don't suggest I'm budding. Now there are people who live this way every day and perhaps need more recovery work, no one ever said sobriety is easy.

BE WELL

Fandy

Exactly. And rude.
this has been debated numerous times.
I do not follow a formal program, my big plan is based on common sense, drinking makes me sick because once I start I dont stop. So I dont start.
I do wish I could drink now and again, but I wish I could eat butter and cake every day too.
I am a nondrinker.

LadyBlue0527

Hi Suekie,

This is why the term is misunderstood. It isn't someone who isn't drinking and who isn't working a program. It's someone who isn't drinking who spends the lion's share of their time acting like an asshat (popular and fitting word in this thread) because they can't drink.

The reason that I say this is because I know people of this nature to be in AA just as much as I know the same who aren't.

It's not really about abstaining and programs. It's about abstaining and attitudes.

With that being said here's a good example, although my brother is nowhere near trying to quit. If we're at a party and he's drinking he's the life of the party. He's happy, laughing, telling jokes (albeit obnoxious). Everyone accepts him for who he is so they just laugh. I'm sure it's because he provides them with the "at least I'm not as bad as that" comparison that they need as all of his friends are also alcoholics.

Now, same setting, if you were to take the alcohol away. He will sit there like a bump on a log staring at the floor. You can't pull two words out of him, it's painful to get him to respond to anything. He's quiet and withdrawn. He's not mean or anything, he's just not present because all that he's doing is sitting there saying to himself "I wish I had a beer, I wish I had a beer".

I hate to use the term but that's the epitome of a dry drunk. He's exhibiting alcoholic behavior by withdrawing and doing boo boo face because he can't drink. Now, apply that to someone who has quit drinking. Even though they are dry they are still spending their time thinking like a drinker.

It's all about the attitude.

KateL

Yes, it was regaining my self respect that got me sober. I couldn't deal with going over and over what I had done in the past. I am completely aware of it, don't get me wrong, you never forget. But to me, it was pointless beating myself up about it and telling stories of how awful I was at meetings. For me it was detrimental. Some meetings, of course, are better than others, but I didn't hang around for very long, but that is just me. And someone phoned me from my group and asked me to come back or I would fail, bit I didn't.

KateL

Great post

Itchy

I need to make clear I highly recommend AA for everyone to start as a place to go and use for info on local resources, face to face support, folks we can cash reality checks with on PAWS and other early sobriety physical and emotional roller coasters. I used here and my docs, in hospital detox, counseling, Rational Emotive Therapy (RET - Albert Ellis original) training from years before when I counseled others, SMART online resources, family and friends. Then I dropped off what I no longer needed as I gained strength one by one until I really need nothing because I am recovered, never felt deprived of alcohol, but rather free from the chains and limitations my drinking imposed on my lifestyle. By recovered I mean that I got all of the promises of AA without having to keep going to maintain it. Others do and that works for them. I am happy with that. Many within project a do it for life or you will go out and drink, and for them that is certainly true, but not for all. I see AA as a valuable resource for early sobriety short term, to medium term to a year, and long term for others. AA is all good to me.

It is when a few individuals apply their own spin on it being a fellowship, then apply the "rules" they have in their only other fellowships they know, religion, and dry drunk becomes, for some few,by no means all, the same bogyman as you will burn in hell if you don't believe. Of course more subtly stated. That is what I meant in saying I only find it offensive when it is used as emotional blackmail to conform. And those few mean well but lost all sight of rule 66.

If one understands that we all bring a lot of baggage to the rooms, and come out the better for it, the true value of AA becomes clear. Every home group has a different flavor. For me I got all the support I needed. My shares tended to be about physical healing and if my symptoms were "normal." Bear in mind I also was seeing my doc weekly, and had bloodwork done monthly, the whole time.

I still can't start drinking in moderation again. For me recovered means I don't want to. I never drank to run away. I only had to quit because my tolerance became so high my body needed it to function normally. I had a very serious addiction going on for the last five years, and no fun from it just shaking until I could keep down a few shots in the morning, and a couple of years of the terror of being unable to break that cycle until I finally realized all I needed was a jumpstart and a medically supervised detox, with drugs and monitoring was all I needed for a start. Then here first for support, where I learned to go to several meetings to find a group like me, not the inner city group that almost scared me away from any AA group.

No AA group ever held me hostage, was a cult, had any designs on controlling my mind other than helping me gain control of my impulses, which was not my issue. I have always had a good life, could afford to retire early three times, the last for alcohol because I did not want to drink and drive. Not because of fear of the law or harming others, but because I might hurt me or my vehicles! Thus all others were safe because I took care of number one.

I left AA because my success was being taken as a deviation by me. I felt the sweet sober folks there who had been going to meetings for decades, and make it a lifestyle were getting what they needed from it. I got what I needed too, and left as I would eventually tangle with a book thumper. I had and have no ax to grind with AA any more than I do with my medical detox program. It would be stupid to stay in a detox/psych ward voluntarily even if they let me. My treatment was successful and it was time to get on with full physical recovery and all the emotional roller coaster rides that my PAWS phase provided me in the first six months.

I am not saying all need it or would even benefit from AA, but it can't hurt to see.

I know, the old joke comes to mind that ends at the funeral with the widow saying he drank himself to death and when asked if he was in AA she answered "Of course not! He wasn't that bad!"

I have never seen anyone treated with anything but compassion at AA. But for those who thrive on pity and drama it might seem scary to enter a room of those who know better. It isn't even for them. See nothing was ever forced on me in AA. No one ever judged me as better or worse. They just welcomed me into a safe place where I could talk about the actual amount I drank that the health care professionals acted like they had never heard of before. I believe that, because after a few that should, I realized the health care folks were emotionally trying to punish me with a judgment. No wonder they had no clue despite being providers for substance abuse. I wouldn't confide in them again either. I found relief at it not being a secret, indeed the norm for all in attendance. Once that was over I could move on to my recovery.

So please, don't try to judge me as pro or anti AA. That only shows the inexperience and insecurity of the judger, just like the alcohol abuse people who acted shocked and suddenly distant if I told them I drank 30 units a day give or take. Shame on them when I was actively seeking help to add a little insult to my admittedly self inflicted injury.

Don't let stupid judgmental people stand in your way to recovery. Step around them and don't look back or try to change or help them as codie as we all may be. Just repeat to yourself "I can't teach stupid and it is their problem to get qualified help." Yes it is easy to diagnose the symptoms of rectalcephalism once you know to check their neck for discoloration. That is diagnostic along with the aforementioned insecure put down behaviors with one seeking help.

Just a little humor folks, lets lighten up. In fact, I think I will go see my home group and catch up with them tomorrow. Life is good! Do it!

spryte

The only times I have heard people in AA talking about 'dry drunks' is when they are taking someone else's inventory as an excuse to pat their own backs.

The people in AA that I look up to are ones who don't take other peoples' inventory. If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all. I do some gossip here and there, so I could definitely improve in that area.

CactusJill

In the nearly ten years I have been in recovery, I have seen the definition of that term change. Although I do go to AA meetings for the fellowship, the program never felt like a good fit for me. Yet I kept on that program, because if you weren't in AA you were a "dry drunk." Other programs weren't discussed much or at all, at least in my neck of the woods.

Today, I see the term used to indicate someone who is sober but who is not actively working on their sobriety in any way, when they need to. The term is much more relative now, since it is more understood that there are many ways to work on sobriety.

My two cents.