Marriage after alcoholism
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 9,029
Zelda, what you posted made sense but all I can offer is support. My husband and I both relapsed in August. I got sober in November, he is still struggling but has put together a week as of today. We are still fighting because he is an addict in addition to his alcoholism and blew a ton of money we don't have right before Christmas. He works part time and I am pretty much the sole earner.
Guess that was a vent. Breaking chairs and dishes is not okay ever. Don't blame yourself for that. As for trust, my husband had over a year sober and I was just finally getting comfortable trusting him when he relapsed. Back to square one. It takes time. And work. Good luck.
Guess that was a vent. Breaking chairs and dishes is not okay ever. Don't blame yourself for that. As for trust, my husband had over a year sober and I was just finally getting comfortable trusting him when he relapsed. Back to square one. It takes time. And work. Good luck.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Maine
Posts: 3,649
Originally Posted by zelda1 
I think we might have a long road ahead of us. I think he's happy about my sobriety, but with it there are some changes that he might not like. I have had to make some changes in me. That includes not backing down for something I believe in just to avoid a fight. He does have some anger issues, and he acknowledges them. He has been working on them, but what he did yesterday was unacceptable. I think he also has some unresolved issues with what I did during my alcoholism. I never cheated on him, but hiding alcohol behind his back definitely broke his trust in me. Nonetheless, I'm just hoping that eventually we can move forward in our marriage and grow. I have alcohol problems which I am working on and have successfully stayed sober for almost 7 months. He has supported me through a lot of crap. I am willing to support him through this anger issue he apparently has as well as long as me and my baby are safe. But I don't think bringing up anything like that from the past will help us grow. I'm just wondering what other people have had to go through in their marriage after alcoholism. What have been some trials and how did you overcome them? I'd love to hear it from both sides. Any suggestions for what I could do to possibly help things? I haven't made my amends yet. I'd love to, but I'm still on step 4. I'm hoping that will help.
There's a huge adjustment period for your mate when you get sober. When you're dedicated to it and it's the real deal they're on edge for a while because of how many times they've heard from us that we were going to quit. It takes a while to regain that trust.
However, another phenomenon that I've found is that with sobriety comes accountability. Since they're used to you backing down when discussion and debate is occurring they get used to that. You're discredited because you're talking out your butt due to alcohol. However, once you're sober your words have merit. They can't win those arguments easily, you don't back down and just walk away. They've learned that where they used to get the win every time by default that's no longer true.
It sounds like he's used to that and is having a hard time with you being right. However, nothing excuses breaking things. He knew you had valid points and he didn't know how to find his way to the win, that frustrated him.
He did apologize which is a good sign. Sounds like just sitting down and having a calm and rational discussion is in order.
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: United States
Posts: 79
I agree with Breezie. I am also on the other side, I live with my RAH and our 3 young kids. He quit drinking 3 months ago. So far I have not brought up past at all, even though I do think we should discuss it at some point, and how his recovery is going. He does not seem interested at all to talk about it, so I haven't pushed it. He has that "everything is fine" attitude. However, I do agree that there seems to be a serious lack of awareness and acknowledgment of the past, and that is very frustrating and hurtful. It's as if he thinks whatever he did in the past can now been magically erased since he quit drinking. Well for me and the kids, it's not that simple. We have years of being let down, lied to, verbally abused, publicly embarrassed, and a whole list of other things to sort through before we can just say, poof, daddy's back now, all can be forgotten. He may want to avoid talking about it, because that's easiest for him. But for me, I love him and I need him to acknowledge the damage that has been done and how we plan to make amends and move forward with our lives and to build back trust again. He seems oblivious to that whole side of it though. 10 years being married to an alcoholic and raising our kids basically alone has really taken a toll on me and our marriage, as much as I want to, it's just impossible to block that out and look at my husband with rose colored glasses now because he quit drinking. There is a lot of rebuilding that needs to done before we can be normal again, is he really oblivious like I think or is he fully aware but just would rather avoid it? I don't have the answers, we're just taking it one day at a time. This thread just really caught my attention because I have to stop myself everyday, to not "bring up the past." I feel like, someone has to, right? Or are we supposed to pretend to have amnesia?
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