CCW

Ok, I need some advice on how to deal with an issue that I have recently encountered and it is really gnawing at me.

I have been sober for 72 days now. I identified myself to a doctor as needing a medical intervention for alcoholism and was admitted to a hospital for detox. I spent 3 days hooked up to IVs, was given a cocktail of meds, and then received outpatient care. I have become part of an AA group and my recovery is going well.

Here's an issue I have recently been experiencing. I have recently run in to people who knew me when I was drinking. I can tell these people don't want to have anything to do with me, but in the situation I am in, running in to these individuals is hard to avoid. The greetings are distant, some people avoid me, and it just seems that my past drunken escapades and behaviors are coming back to haunt me. In the past I would just drink to numb up the hurt, but now I don't have that luxury. It does hurt to experience these interactions but my inner voice tells me to just forget about these episodes and move on. But I have a burning desire to know if I did something to **** off these people or make them want to avoid me. I'm also wondering if the rumor mill is in action, and some events that occurred during the dark days of my alcoholism are circulating in the small community I live in. Rejection is tough to deal with.

If anyone has some advice or personal experiences to pass on I would greatly appreciate your feedback.

Dee74

I had a lot of karma points to make up when I got sober. Some people had experienced my drunkenness first hand, and others second hand....no doubt some people heard stuff third hand too.

but I know I also read things in people faces that weren't there - I was quite paranoid for a while.

All that is what it is.

I had the reputation of a lowdown dirty disreputable bum drunk - and I really couldn't argue much with that.

but...I got better...I changed...people saw the change, and eventually I rescued my reputation.

People remember the last time they saw you much more than the second to last time...there may be some folks out there who only remember me as a drunk, but they're the guys, mostly drinking buddies, I haven't seen for 7 years or more.

Hold your head up - you're in recovery and you're doing it - thats nothing to be ashamed of

D

jazzfish

This is where letting people know you aren't drinking can be useful. You don't have to say anything about being an alcoholic, just that you quit drinking for health reason (or whatever you are comfortable with). Making amends can also help clear the air. For those who you aren't sure if you did something, then time and sobriety may be the best healers.

Some may choose to never come around, which is fine. Just let them go and move on.

GracieLou

Making a living amends is sometimes all we can do.

I have also felt shunned by others that are still drinking. They do not understand me now. The the funny part about that is that I completely understand them because I was the same way. Spending any amount of time with a person that did not drink like me was torture. I felt out of place and exposed. I wanted to get back to my tribe.

Today my common bond with others is not drinking but recovery. It goes so much far past that though. They are my friends, true friends, not drinking buddies.

That feeling of rejection is hard. We want to fit in no matter where we are or who we are with. I have been feeling a little rejected lately and this is one of the first things I saw today. It helped me a great deal to get my focus back.

Pete55

I had a lot of that experience to when I got sober, bumping into people from times gone by.
Point is, it surprises them to see normality, and all they can gossip about is, "was sober"....eventually this "banks" up. So 5 years on, no one really has much more to say.
Family may take a while. I got kicked out of brother's home last week cos sister-in law just could not let go of stuff she only heard of and made a big deal of petty things. But to be honest, I did mess up at their wedding and I was sober!
My "sponsor" at the time said it well, he asked me, "How long have you been drinking", I told him over 30 years.

Then has asked me, "how long have you been sober",
at the time I was 3 months.

"Well", he said, "Do you think 3 months sobriety is going to make things right over 30 years of drinking with these people" ?

It got me thinking!

Johno1967

Good effort CCW. Sounds like you have your head screwed on right. Just be mindful of something. Worrying about what other people think abut you leads to more worry, followed by paranoia, followed by resentment, followed by anger, followed by beer. One of my favorite lines is "What people think of me is none of my business" and "I can't change the past, all I can do is clear away the wreckage and keep my side of the street clean", "Go half way with people and no further". If you need to make amends, make them. Strangers who recognize you from your drinking days may see you about but after a while they will also notice something very different about you. That's the beauty of the 12 steps, people will notice the change well before you do.

KateL

Im my case the drinkers were the ones who shunned me the most. They felt uncomfortable around sobriety because they were on a slippery slope themselves. Many who weren't problem drinkers supported me, some didn't. The ones who didn't just faded away and it was no loss really. I stayed in a community where people knew and held my head up high. They soon forgot about it. Also in the early days, there were those who felt uncomfortable because they always thought a slip was iminent. But it didn't happen so they too, learned to let it go. xxx

Music

I had this discussion with my first sponsor, about how I should handle people who I might have had problems with. His advice was to be honest with them. He made the point that when I was drinking, I didn't much care who knew it so what's the big deal about letting people know I'm trying to get things together. Yeah, there's going to be some rejection but most of that will come from people who truly don't care what you're doing. Your FRIENDS will understand, be happy for you and support you. He also brought out the point about "people pleasing". Why am I getting sober? For me, or to please other people? When you can answer that question and be comfortable with the answer, the rejection will take care of itself. Merry Christmas.

EndGameNYC

When I detoxed in August of 2011, and then went to 28-day rehab, I moved completely away from most people, places and things that were part of my three-year relapse. I was, for the most part forced to do this, but I also needed to push myself to make some changes. Meaning, I wanted to live in the same neighborhood where I executed my relapse following treatment, for the simple reason that, after I got back on my feet following detox and rehab, I was prepared to resume killing myself with booze.

When this was taking longer than was comfortable for me, I made the decision to move away, to heal, in a much different place. I still wanted to drink, but I wasn't around anyone who knew me as a drunk, including my ex. Since she insisted that I do not attempt to contact her, I complied and have had very little contact with her since. When I started working again in my field, I started making financial amends to her by sending her a check each month, with virtually no written dialogue and absolutely no oral dialogue. When I lost one of my more important jobs during my relapse -- not related to drinking, but it most certainly would have come to that -- she helped me out for a time, and I had promised I'd pay her back. It took a while for me to get back to work for both medical and psychological reasons, but paying her back has liberated me in ways I couldn't know in advance.

The thing is, we can't change other people's experiences and perceptions about us, what with us so often bringing chaos and harm into their lives. No matter how much we may want to do so, it just isn't possible until people begin to know us as good and reliable people. Even then, this doesn't always work completely or with everyone. We can't unhurt someone, and we can't take back our words and actions while we were drinking. Trust is the first thing we lose, and the last thing we get back. We can only strive to make ourselves better people in each and every moment.

Johnston

Lot of good advice here. Don't be too hard on yourself.

Dave H

I say just drop it and don't worry about it. You cannot change what people have heard and how they react to it. Just focus on your recovery and keep your side of the street clean and things will eventually get better. It takes time to "undo what we have done". Maybe a few years. But you cannot control that. Just stay sober, keep your side of the street clean and you'll be ok.