Friend has rehab assessment but won't go
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: London
Posts: 5
Friend has rehab assessment but won't go
Hello, I've looked around the forums and sorry in advance if I'm posting on the wrong one. I am a friend of a friends who I've just found out is alcohol dependent, and they are currently in my house having gone through a tough couple of days. I had no idea when they first arrived. I think I saw a friends and family section but I cannot see how to access it, and I'm really wanting some views of people going through what I'm witnessing. I'll quickly post here and apologies if it's in the wrong place.
I've known my friend for years, but hadn't seen him for around 3 years, he's a musician and I made contact recently as had been listening to some old songs and wanted to re connect. I had seen from a few Facebook posts that he'd been v unwell earlier in the year and sent a few messages previously to no avail. Anyway, to cut a long story short, we met up for the day on Friday - we had lunch at my place (small houseboat) and drank tea, he was as bright and friendly as ever and we had great chats. He did touch on that he had got into drinking too heavily and felt it was a problem, but I didn't pick up on it. Anyway, to cut a long story short that was Friday and then he joined me and my sister and her husband for lunch at my local put on the Sunday. He did have a few drinks but I still didn't twig anything. Then on the Monday morning he said could he have a 'hair of the dog' and poured himself a small whiskey and then proceeded to sleep for most of the day. It was only later in that day that I realised the small amount of whiskey I had in my cupboard wasn't there anymore. I only then had half a bottle of pimms and he asked to drink some of that but only small amounts with lots of sleeping in between. By now I was thinking there was a problem here, he was also pretty low and saying that life was hard for him etc, but still 'acting' pretty normally. I am a life coach and part of a great group who all share advice on of whom specialises in alcohol addiction. Due to my work I also know a fair bit about addiction, had seen a friend previously through AA etc. I'm aware that it's important to deal with the physical addiction through rehab before the psychological issues can hope to be addressed. Then on Tuesday he was meant to be attending an old family friend's funeral and said to me could he just stay in bed for the day. I rang his sister who I know and, although she didn't want to say too much as was protective of a brother, she mentioned that he'd been due to go for a rehab assessment this week. She also said he had had a major problem with alcohol over the past few years when I hadn't seen him. My contact who's a life coach dealing with alcoholism, and a pharmacist contact I know, also working with alcoholics said it was imperative that he did not just try and quit alcohol cold. So, on the basis that I thought he would go to rehab the rehab assessment the following day, they both advised to allow him small amounts of alcohol, on basis he'd attend the rehab. Well that was yesterday and he never made contact with the rehab. In between times I've watched him have chronic stomach cramps and what I can only say lots of thrashing around in between drinking small amounts, eating little and a fair amount of sleep. Tonight is now the 4th night (yesterday was the supposed rehab day) and he said he would try and drink a little more for the physical side of things and would def go to rehab today. So sorry for long story. Anyway, I finally spoke again to his sister tonight and got a much fuller picture, that she and the family incl. his two daughters (33) and (27) and ex partner still old friends with had had a very hard time over past 3 years, doing everything from detox and home and having him live with them, to constant visits to hospital where he'd be kept in for 3 days, given detox medicine (Librium? I think she said) etc etc and that they'd finally said enough was enough, they loved him but would no longer support the continued drinking. There last hope was that he'd go to the rehab assessment following latest spell in hospital. Likewise for me today he went out and bought vodka while I was on phone to her having already drunk a bottle across 10 hours and slept a lot. He's now asleep on my sofa and I could really do with some advice on what best to do. The advice I'm hearing so far, and my own judgement, is to wait until the morning now (so hoping that the stomach cramps and broken sleep won't be too bad as I've has so little sleep past few days) and then remind him about the rehab. If he doesn't go, and I fear he won't after his drinking behaviour today, is to say with compassion and no judgement that I have every hope that he can get better, but that I cannot 'collude' in his lies (so many promises in past couple of days just one drink etc and that if he won't go to the rehab (which I'm totally happy to take him to and support him in IF he takes the decision for himself), then he will have to go back to his flat on his own. He has v little money and looks terrified when I suggest he goes home, but i've calmly said this evening that he cannot stay on my houseboat and continue to drink. Finally I spoke to an ex addict AA counsellor tonight who said that he will do anything to get a drink, lies etc, and that only he can decide to go to rehab, I can't force him - (she was also dead against any form of family intervention and said that was not AA's way) and that if he chose not to do something about it, to wave him on his way. I know this is right and I will see how this goes in the morning, but it's a tough call and I could really do with some reassurance from people who have experienced this journey that I'd be doing the right thing.
So sorry for long thread - and thank you so much in advance for any help you can give me. Likewise if I can help/support you in any way, please do ask.
This is an amazingly supportive forum and I hope you might be able to give me some tips.
Here's hoping I can get some sleep tonight as I'm almost on my last legs!
All the very best to you
I've known my friend for years, but hadn't seen him for around 3 years, he's a musician and I made contact recently as had been listening to some old songs and wanted to re connect. I had seen from a few Facebook posts that he'd been v unwell earlier in the year and sent a few messages previously to no avail. Anyway, to cut a long story short, we met up for the day on Friday - we had lunch at my place (small houseboat) and drank tea, he was as bright and friendly as ever and we had great chats. He did touch on that he had got into drinking too heavily and felt it was a problem, but I didn't pick up on it. Anyway, to cut a long story short that was Friday and then he joined me and my sister and her husband for lunch at my local put on the Sunday. He did have a few drinks but I still didn't twig anything. Then on the Monday morning he said could he have a 'hair of the dog' and poured himself a small whiskey and then proceeded to sleep for most of the day. It was only later in that day that I realised the small amount of whiskey I had in my cupboard wasn't there anymore. I only then had half a bottle of pimms and he asked to drink some of that but only small amounts with lots of sleeping in between. By now I was thinking there was a problem here, he was also pretty low and saying that life was hard for him etc, but still 'acting' pretty normally. I am a life coach and part of a great group who all share advice on of whom specialises in alcohol addiction. Due to my work I also know a fair bit about addiction, had seen a friend previously through AA etc. I'm aware that it's important to deal with the physical addiction through rehab before the psychological issues can hope to be addressed. Then on Tuesday he was meant to be attending an old family friend's funeral and said to me could he just stay in bed for the day. I rang his sister who I know and, although she didn't want to say too much as was protective of a brother, she mentioned that he'd been due to go for a rehab assessment this week. She also said he had had a major problem with alcohol over the past few years when I hadn't seen him. My contact who's a life coach dealing with alcoholism, and a pharmacist contact I know, also working with alcoholics said it was imperative that he did not just try and quit alcohol cold. So, on the basis that I thought he would go to rehab the rehab assessment the following day, they both advised to allow him small amounts of alcohol, on basis he'd attend the rehab. Well that was yesterday and he never made contact with the rehab. In between times I've watched him have chronic stomach cramps and what I can only say lots of thrashing around in between drinking small amounts, eating little and a fair amount of sleep. Tonight is now the 4th night (yesterday was the supposed rehab day) and he said he would try and drink a little more for the physical side of things and would def go to rehab today. So sorry for long story. Anyway, I finally spoke again to his sister tonight and got a much fuller picture, that she and the family incl. his two daughters (33) and (27) and ex partner still old friends with had had a very hard time over past 3 years, doing everything from detox and home and having him live with them, to constant visits to hospital where he'd be kept in for 3 days, given detox medicine (Librium? I think she said) etc etc and that they'd finally said enough was enough, they loved him but would no longer support the continued drinking. There last hope was that he'd go to the rehab assessment following latest spell in hospital. Likewise for me today he went out and bought vodka while I was on phone to her having already drunk a bottle across 10 hours and slept a lot. He's now asleep on my sofa and I could really do with some advice on what best to do. The advice I'm hearing so far, and my own judgement, is to wait until the morning now (so hoping that the stomach cramps and broken sleep won't be too bad as I've has so little sleep past few days) and then remind him about the rehab. If he doesn't go, and I fear he won't after his drinking behaviour today, is to say with compassion and no judgement that I have every hope that he can get better, but that I cannot 'collude' in his lies (so many promises in past couple of days just one drink etc and that if he won't go to the rehab (which I'm totally happy to take him to and support him in IF he takes the decision for himself), then he will have to go back to his flat on his own. He has v little money and looks terrified when I suggest he goes home, but i've calmly said this evening that he cannot stay on my houseboat and continue to drink. Finally I spoke to an ex addict AA counsellor tonight who said that he will do anything to get a drink, lies etc, and that only he can decide to go to rehab, I can't force him - (she was also dead against any form of family intervention and said that was not AA's way) and that if he chose not to do something about it, to wave him on his way. I know this is right and I will see how this goes in the morning, but it's a tough call and I could really do with some reassurance from people who have experienced this journey that I'd be doing the right thing.
So sorry for long thread - and thank you so much in advance for any help you can give me. Likewise if I can help/support you in any way, please do ask.
This is an amazingly supportive forum and I hope you might be able to give me some tips.
Here's hoping I can get some sleep tonight as I'm almost on my last legs!
All the very best to you
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,902
Hi, Ubuntu. Here's a direct link to our Friends and Family of Alcoholics Forum...
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
I'm sorry for what brought you here, but so glad that you found us. You'll find a lot of support here. (((HUGS)))
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
I'm sorry for what brought you here, but so glad that you found us. You'll find a lot of support here. (((HUGS)))
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