quitter13

it's been a while since I last posted over a year ago. I don't have time for my entire life history right now but overview:
-In my 30's
-Family of addicts. My mother has been in AA for 30 years, my brother for 6 years and one of my younger cousins died of mix of dozens of beers and painkillers. Other people in the family have varying degrees of the problems
-Drinking steadily got out of control to the point a couple of years ago I was drinking every day. Generally a six pack at night sometimes more and I liked strong beer so even the six pack was probably more like 8 standard drinks.
-Last year when I was here I managed to quit on my own and lasted six months.
-Met a girl who eventually became my second wife. She rarely drinks but ironically she convinced me to take the first drink after my 6 month break.

Since starting drinking again it has steadily gotten worse of course. I haven't got back to my every day habit but only because my wife is actually pretty against drinking regularly and it's impossible to hide from here even if I have 1 drink. So that has caused numerous fights and our 4 month old marriage is already rockier then my first marriage was after 5 years with my first wife. I tried to convince myself that I can drink 3-4 drinks a night, 2-3 days a week but I know of course if I didn't have my wife keeping me in check I would be right back where I was drinking every day and probably more then I used to drink.
I had a few drinks last week at some work parties and caused problems at home. My wife also has what I would call a violent temper so the combination of things has caused a toxic home environment. She allowed me to drink on Saturday as repayment for somethings I did for her. I had two drinks and didn't enjoy them and had no desire to pour another. That was my last drink. 3 1/2 days sober right now. Not much but I feel like I have made a decision to stop for good this time and not stopping to please her or anyone else.

That's it. Just saying hello and I'm sure I'll be posting more frequently

Thepatman

Giving up completely can somehow be easier to manage compared to all the planning , controlling intake, etc.

When you have a broken valve like me, having just a fee only teases me. As soon as I can open valve I would get hammered.

KateL

Yes, do it for you. Congrats

Dee74

Welcome back quitter13

do you have a plan to help you stay sober at all?

D

Impurrfect

Welcome back, quitter, and congrats on 3-1/2 days!!

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

quitter13

only plan so far is don't drink, one day at a time. I don't have plans of going to meetings or counciling even though I know it's recommended. I'm going to focus on fixing my marriage while it's still fixable and not drinking at all makes every day at home easier. my wife says every fight we've had is about drinking. I don't agree with that but at least I'll take that factor out of the equation. I have family I can reach out to and talk to who know a lot about recovery but unfortunately I do live 3000 miles away so I can't see them in person. I will also keep reading others experience and stories here and on other blogs and forums because that truly helps me

JaylaaKent

If she knew you were an alcoholic - I don't understand the "permission" to drink card? My drinking was also a trump card with my ex - he'd let me drink to make amends, throw it as a reason for all of our fights. Being sober should be your first priority then the other things will fall into place.

Hevyn

I'm very glad to see you back quitter. It sounds like you've learned a lot & are ready to do this - we know you can.

EndGameNYC

A word to the wise...If you're listening to your wife and not arguing with her, then yes, every fight has been about drinking.

quitter13

Thanks. We just had one of our almost daily blow ups. It was not directly about drinking but I'm sure my reactions to her on some level are influenced by drinking or lack there of. We are now in separate rooms behind closed doors stewing separately but I'm happy to say I have no desire to drink. A lot of days in the past this kind of fight would make me pick up almost just to spite her but I have no desire today. I am dealing with myself and hopefully that will help both of us. I have not had a serious talk with her about what I am dealing with. I have talked to her about my struggles in the past but I don't think she truly understands...but that's ok

Brian316

Hey and welcome back Quitter. I relate to your story, at least your experiences with your wife. For people that aren't alcoholics or really don't know they are, it's like they sometimes think they are doing us a favor by allowing us to drink and enabling us. Then they don't understand when the alcohol takes over and we lose control. My soon to be ex wife was kind of similar in that she liked to call the shots (no pun intended) with my drinking and for me it only made it worse. I'm alcoholic man I didn't take well to being told when I could drink. She didn't like me going to meetings either. And she also had a very volitile temper. It sounds like you must really love your wife though since you are trying to make it work even tho as you said you gotta so it for you. If you think meetings would really help you I would explain that to her and try to work something out. Some women like to try to "fix" or "help" people. If you are an alcoholic like me, no one can fix you unless you really want to help yourself.

quitter13

thanks. Sounds similar. she doesn't want me drinking but I'm sure she wouldn't like me going to meetings. she simply doesn't trust me enough. she would think I'm out cheating on her unless she actually came with me to a meeting and I know she wouldn't. I did see a therapist for a few weeks about general issues but she made me stop because she didn't like the idea that I might be talking about her with the therapist. I haven't told her that I am trying to quit because of course I've said that before and only lasted a day even though I would lie and try to convince her that I only drank once during the week. hence her trust issues I guess.
I certainly also don't like being told I can't drink or being told anything. tonight's fight was because I got aggravated that she was trying to tell me how to clean the floor in our house. seems so stupid when I write it down

EndGameNYC

There's a curious pattern emerging here, quitter13.

You're wife got you to drink after you accumulated some sober time. Your wife gave you permission to have a couple of drinks as some kind of a reward. Your wife prevents you from going to meetings. And your wife made you stop seeing your therapist for very selfish reasons.

What's in it for you to allow your wife to dictate how, when, where and with whom you'll repair yourself and your life? If it's to avoid conflict and achieve peace of mind, it's not working.

quitter13

I made it through another night.

My wife doesn't work, which means she usually sleeps in most days and is sleeping when I leave for work. Today she decided to get up 5 minutes after me to continue the argument from last night before I went to work. I try to forgive and forget (or at least forgive). She is relentless and will stay mad and hold grudges over something small for days. Over bigger things she has had violent rages that last up to 12 hours. Last night I had to leave the house and drive around for a couple of hours to avoid her. We have different issues but we definitely both have some deep seated issues. I guess that is why we were attracted to each other on a subconscious level even though both of our issues were well hidden from each other for the first 3-6 months of our relationship.

Endgame asked what's in it for me? Right now I'm really struggling with that. I was doing well for a while living sober alone with my cats before I met her. But I feel like we both love each other. I really feel like I don't want to be alone. I want support. I grew up with strong support from my immediate family and a close group of friends. 7 years ago I moved 3000 miles away. Connections with most of my friends are just about gone. My family is still a huge part of my life but it's a phone conversation once a week where I used to be able to see them every day if I wanted to. I am kind of a solitary lone wolf type of personality but I still feel the need to have that close connection with at least one person to share my life with and I thought I found her.


That all probably has nothing to do with anything but just needed to vent today

Brian316

Hey Quitter. Your fight about her trying to tell you how to clean the floor sounds VERY familiar to me unfortunately. I almost typed lol but it's actually not very funny if you are being verbally abused by your spouse. If you went out and drove around to cool off I hope you didn't drink. I tried that after fights with my estranged wife and it could have gotten me killed. Some of your last post I related to also. Like that you were lonely before you met her and you wanted someone to share your life with and "thought" you met her.....if you don't mind my asking and I hope I don't come off as an a$$!|#% here because I don't mean to be, did you 2 marry because you are in love or because you were lonely?

quitter13

For love. But we did it very quickly without a lot of time getting to know each other. I guess that's an impulsive side of my personality that is tied to the drinking part. But no, didn't drink last night. I actually drove to a local park with pull up bars and got a little exercise, fresh air and solitude instead of drinking. And yes it would have got ugly when I got home if I did decide to go out and drink.

No drinking last night and no drinking tonight. Things are relaxing at home tonight so that's nice for a change

ClearMind

For me personally, moderation doesn't work as the obsession and planning involved around the next time I can drink is really no better than actually drinking. Either I drink or I don't. I find a huge burden was lifted from my shoulders once I decided to quit permanently, and it feels great. There's no longer a reason to lie, to cheat, to steal, or hide things from people. Everything is more real.

quitter13

Thanks. I'm just starting to realize this myself. I used to think I was doing well if I "only" drank 3-4 days in the week instead of 7 but even with the "moderation" I now realize that I was always thinking about it and planning and scheming about the next time I could drink. It's hard to focus on the rest of life and be present in the moment when I am always just thinking about the next drink

Brian316

Hey Quitter, I am glad you and your wife love each other. The reason for my asking is I think I actually married more out of loneliness and other selfish reasons. And I am also impulsive as is my soon to be ex. It didn't work out. I tried to moderate and sneak drinks and it never worked for me long. I think again, you should really say to her you need meetings, I mean if nothing else your friends and family are far away you get to meet some new people. Then see when you have some AA and sobriety how well you 2 get along. Just tell her you can't drink and want to learn a better way of living.

Hawkeye13

Hi quitter and welcome back;
I think not drinking is the priority here and you seem to be working on that.

However, I think letting your spouse keep you from seeing a therapist because she
might be talked about, or not letting you go to AA because she is jealous is some serious
"red-flaggage" about her own emotional / control issues.

Controlling how you clean the floor with over-the-top verbal abuse is another example.

You need to set some boundries for yourself here to protect your sobriety and sanity.
I tended to accept a lot of blame from my husband once I quit drinking because
of the guilt I had but sometimes the issue really is them and not you.

As endgame said, what are you getting out of this?