Gourd

Usually when I attempt to quit I get really bad depression, lethargy and a huge craving for sweets. This time around it's all three of those plus a deep rage that won't go away. One moment I'm feeling like I want to kill myself. Another I feel like punching someone right in the nose.

Sobriety is too...sobering. It feels like life will suck regardless if I drink or not. This is going to be a treacherous mountain to climb. I've only made it to a month before and even then I have this hollow feeling about me that follows me everywhere I go; most of the time I last only two weeks then relapse. After that, what next? Find that elusive woman companion who's understanding, caring and compassionate? LOL

Don't see much of that around but I guess I'll keep looking and continue to avoid the ones who think their **** doesn't stink.




(been using that smilie a lot this past week)

Dee74

I had a lot of rage early on too - partly because I felt terrible, partly because I'd repressed a lot of anger for a long time,. and partly because I was resentful and full of self pity for the fact I couldn't drink anymore..

Early recovery is rough - but it's not the same as 'recovery'...things do get easier...there wouldn't be many of us here if they didn't Gourd

awuh1

Someone said that anger and depression are opposite sides if the same coin.

I had to address both depression and alcoholism when I quit. The steps of AA were enormously helpful with that "hollow feeling", but I also needed help with the depression at the same time.

Kimura

Your craving for sugar is from lack of alcohol. Alcohol has alot of calories.
I think because it's a poison your body likes to use it as energy before anything else.
Don't quote me on this.

GracieLou

Try to hang in there. I understand. The anger and resentments felt like they were going to eat me alive at times.

Sometimes I was pissed off because I was pissed off. I didn't want to feel that way. Take it one day at a time. This to, shall pass.

lovesymphony

I get the same way, mostly just feel so horrible and lonely. But a lot of my misery, I'm realizing, has been caused by drinking instead of dealing with painful problems that cause it. Yesterday I woke up feeling mentally AWFUL and hopeless so I went for a half hour walk, and thought about stuff in my life I'm actually happy about and forced myself to socialize later, all things that made me feel better and I wouldn't have done if I drank.

silentrun

Very true! I have also heard anger turned inward can cause depression. I had some pretty intense anger issues for a while both inward and outward. Probably hallmark's of addiction. Finally all gone.

Sanantoniosober

I wasn't angry, because it took to much work early on. As I got my strength back, I became angry that everyone else was able to go out and have a drink at the end of the day, but I wasn't.

Eventually, I came to see alcohol as an allergy. It's not their fault I can't drink, just like it's not my fault someone else can't eat shellfish, but just like that won't stop me from throwing down on some shrimp or crab, I can't expect them to stop drinking.

They don't have a problem with alcohol, I do. Once I began to look at it that way, I was able to let that anger go, and move on.

If it helps, to me at least, quitting is like playing a new video game. At first, you're a "noob" and going to suck at it. But by paying attention to what more experienced players have to say (for me that's coming here and reading others stories) you can "level up" and get better, faster, stronger.

At this point I'm looking at all the blessings I've seen since quitting, and looking forward to all that will come.

Hang in there.

Joe Nerv

First, though I'm gonna guess you're not going to want to hear this... sweets can and do cause all of the emotions you're describing. Especially in alcoholics, who 80% of the time have problems processing sugar. Quitting alcohol is tough enough on it's own. Adding sugar ups and downs doubles the not so fun experience.

Second, the mountain you're about to climb is treacherous, and agonizing. If done alone. And most who truly have a problem with alcohol never make it to the top. They try and try and try for years on end until they either wind up dead, institutionalized, or admit that they need some sort of help. You can throw the towel in now and never have to go through this again, or you can repeat what you're going through for years and years to come. Your choice.

Third, there is absolutely hope on the other side. Most of the people here have felt exactly as you do right now, but survived, and gotten to a place where they enjoy life, have fun, look forward to the future, and want very much to live and not die (or kill anyone ).

My pain was so bad in the end that I had only 2 choices. Kill myself, or stop drinking. I couldn't stop drinking, and was too scared to kill myself. The only solution I was offered at the time to help me stop drinking was AA. I'm unbelievably grateful for that, 29 years later. It worked, and my life and mind have been completely transformed. Many times over, I might add. I had nothing when I stopped, had nothing before I even ever started drinking. A GED and some experience at a messenger service I got fired from. Had no desire for anything other than to stop the pain and fear when I first put the drink down. Today I have countless experiences, moved out of my parent's house (something I never even considered doing), got a college education, became a HS teacher, dated lots of women, started running (another thing I never considered doing), got married, bought a coop and and later became a landlord, vacationed around the world, toured other countries playing in rock bands, did a bunch of theater, made lots of friends, quit smoking, got into the best physical shape of my life... I could go on and on.

And believe me when I tell you all that was virtually impossible, and not even a desire when I first got sober. Not even on the map.

But it didn't happen overnight. I spent my first year doing nothing other than getting sober, going to AA, and getting involved in some other aftercare programs. IMO, if we want to put a drink down and be happy about it, we need to make some radical changes. Do things we're not comfortable with, and do things completely different than what we're accustomed to. If we don't, we're doomed to a life of misery, or repetition of the same crap. Thankfully, I was done with this once only, and I believe it's because I had no pride left, and no reserve. I took every suggestion that was thrown at me, and question very little, if anything. The rewards for my doing that were enormous.

Bla, bla, bla, bla... my cup of enthusiasm hath overflowed enough . There is lots of hope. For anyone with sincere desire and willingness. The healing however doesn't happen overnight, and it doens't happen at all if we don't do something to foster it.

Anna

All those negative emotions were what I went through too. It was so hard to face the things I'd been avoiding for so long and to deal with all the messes caused by my drinking. And, yet, I knew there was no way around it, but to hang in. For sure, it will get better.

KateL

Once you see things for what they are, it does look a bit bleak at first, but I soon discovered feeling the good things, it gave it a kind of balance xx

gaffo

That was a great post, Joe Nerv. This is the type of story that got me through. It does get better, better than I could have ever imagined.

Gourd, just try to keep it simple and take it one minute at a time if necessary. Literally, every minute that passes it gets better and closer to relief. The misery of failure is worse than the cravings.

As far as the sugar goes, for the first six months or so I ate lots of candy--now I can barely look at peanut butter cups or Tootsie Pops but they got me through some tough times.

Threshold

I had a LOT of anger and rage the first several months of sobriety. Much of it non specified, meaning I was just full of rage and didn't even know why.

I realized that part of why I drank was because of rage/anger. I had no idea what to do with it, it scared me, or I felt guilty for feeling it, so I drank to cover it up.

So, take out drinking, I still had no idea what to do with rage. It was a process of learning what anger/rage actually was, and then finding ways of dealing with it. Now it happens much less often, but every few months I get a spell of overwhelming rage that lasts a day or two.

I have discovered that for me anger/rage is generally caused by overwhelming frustration. Just know that helps me diffuse it, I can say "ok, what's frustrating me" and see if there is a productive way of addressing it.

Working the steps helped me see my rage/anger patterns, and becoming familiar with them, also helped make sense of them, made them less scary. They had seemed irrational, coming out of nowhere etc, but once I saw there were predictable patterns, it also helped diffuse them.

AND working the steps helped me realize that I was the one who paid for my anger. Dragging around resentments towards myself, others and the world was robbing me of life and happiness. I had thought, one time, that anger and rage were serving me somehow, that if I was angry I would stay vigilant and no one would be able to pull one over on me...but that wasn't true. Instead it was stealing more life from me. When I realized I didn't need it to protect me, I was willing to LET GO of it. Not fight it, or tell myself it was wrong or bad and try to pretend I didn't feel it...but let go of it.

I had a wonderful dog. Smart and friendly etc. but he was terrified of the vet. He needed a muzzle and three people to hold him down at the vet and he was a slobbering growling mess. He was afraid, in a situation beyond his control, and aggression was how it manifested. I realize I am a lot like him.

Many times I was not angry because someone was being awful to me, or that life was all bad, I was angry because I didn't know what was happening, what to do about it, or when it would end.

My perspective, like my dog's, was out of whack. Reality checks have been my biggest friend in sobriety. I stop, take a breath and see what the situtaion actually is, because often my feelings about it are out of whack, and I do better if I act on what is true, rather than on my feelings.

Thepatman

My input is as follow: Buy a punching bag. When you feel angry let it all out until your exhausted. I bet my next pay check that by the time you are done beating the crap out of that thing, you will feel gentle as a lamb.

Then if you feel like crying, let it out also. Emotion suppression is not healthy for humans. You just have to find a healthy way, instead of punching noses!

EndGameNYC

As always, excellent comments, Joe Nerv.

Your story is unique to you, but countless others who take themselves and their sobriety seriously create a better life...And yes, a life that's better than our wildest dreams. Other people on this site have reached similar heights, but would have achieved nothing without taking responsibility for their own lives, their own happiness.

You're truly an inspiration. Makes me proud to be a Brooklyn boy.

Gourd

Thanks for all of your advice. I'm doing better today but still acknowledge that this is recovery in its infancy. Today is day five.

Notimetoloose

Yay, day five. that's great.