courage2

OK -- sometimes I'm a little obtuse, it's what I did to my brain I s'pose, but one thing I agree with -- ACT.

Your obligations, burdens, gifts, whining, wealth, pride -- none of them matter except the actions you take to get sober. Until you get sober, you don't even know what's real & what's not.

Sudz No More

This whole thread is a bit of a confused ramble. You don't have to get old and crappy though. If you live healthy you will look healthy. It starts with stopping putting poison down your throat for one. Sure, you are going to get the inevitable aging signs like baldness or grey hair but eating right and exercising will keep the rest around for a long time. I am still getting better with age especially since quitting drinking. Never better, you can be too.

jaynie04

You are welcome… from a former Wall Streeter….!

amy55

I have faith in you. I know that you can do this. You know what you want for happiness, and you know the bottle isn't the answer. It's hard to try to think of other things that can make us happy. It really is, but I think everyone here knew the bottle wasn't the answer, it was only a way to procrastinate. I didn't know how to deal with life without numbing myself. That's not why we were put on this earth for. It's to enjoy life, not to numb our way out of it.

It's tough, not going to argue there. You need to learn a new way of living, and actually liking yourself and liking like. I used to think, yuck........ why would I want that. First you learn to tolerant being amongst the living, then you learn to like it, then you learn to love it.

I can already see the changes in you from your first post till now. You are reaching out to people, you are trying to bare your deep inner soul, not the front that you have to keep up for everyone in this dog eat dog world. I do feel that you are just reaching out for acceptance, just for being you, and forget all about that financial stuff.

You are a person here, and you are who you are here. And that is OK.

We want nothing from you except to help you with your sobriety, and a better life.

Hawkeye13

Yes, this is true. We do want to help.

So pour the rest of that bottle down the sink and
start your new life. If you've already done that, well done.

We can't not drink for you, but you can. . .

inabadway

I am absolutely shocked by the kindness of people here, I just got fully sober maybe 2 hours ago.

and now I'm back to my old self again. And I realized that old self is pissed, angry. who knows why, natural selection, daddy issues, who cares. What I want, what I have always wanted is to compete.

With a better man than me. In some contest I cannot hope to win.

But I win. I remember the faces of every single business deal. Every single one. I remember the faces of every single guy younger or whatever, I desire this more than anything. This is why I drink.

It is the lack of teh thrill of facing a worthy man. I, truly, have faced some worthy men. At whatever. Its that I crave, its winning, its beating a worthy opponent. THAT is what I seek. It isn't any girl or paycheck.

Oh, I am difficult. THIS is the real me. A guy who more than anything wants a fight (though I have never hit another human). I want to win.

This is fully sober me. I am someone you would hopefully not like to see in a conference room. I'm as smart as hell. I put that to good enough use, and I can see the faces. Oh can I see the faces.

inabadway

I am sorry, but that is me. I want a battle.

I am willing to lose, but what I really really crave is a worthy opponent I try to beat.

Man, when will all this testosterone just go away?

inabadway

I drink because it shuts it off. I want battle. Not a fight, but a worthier contest. Its all I ever wanted, to beat another man at stuff. And to the victor the spoils

Dee74

I don't go in for battle metaphors myself, but your addiction is about the smartest, most capable opponent you'll ever face - because it's you. A twisted baser version maybe - but you nonetheless.

if you want to be a better man, do it.

Don't talk it - do it.

If you want to fight? fight your addiction.

D

amy55

Is that really all you want is to beat another person. Perhaps you are really trying to beat the demon that is withing yourself. ???????

I know you can do this, and when you do you will then you might just like yourself.

inabadway

I wish the greatest of you would come here and beat me. I wish there was even a slight bit of sense in releasing your real ID online, but there isn't.

I am sure one of you can. Oh all I've ever done is try to beat other men. And raise the boys. I never tried to best them.

I love it. I don't mind failing one bit. I absolutely love that feeling. We just live in such a feminized society that this just isn't realistic anymore.

As I sober I crave competition. I crave it like life. With someone better than me, so it REALLY matters when you win.

inabadway

Well therein lies the story.

I am a fossil, a throwback. I am literarlly the direct grandson of harald the fairhair, And that is what I am. I am a viking. Responsible when need be but what I really want, what I really really want, its a contest. And to the victor the spoils.

I make way more sense to myself now. Love it or hate it, its what I am. I do not fear losing, I fear boredom.

Dee74

noone here is remotely interested in beating you...leave all that macho stuff - all we offer here is help and support - we all have a common enemy.

We're all on your side - but it's up to you to decide whether you really want to change...or just talk about it?


D

Pipping

Charity work can help. I know in my experience it stopped all the navel gazing.

amy55

I need to say, that I understand you. I was always competitive. Always had to be the best, but why? It all had to be with be not being ok with myself.


Once I was ok with myself, I was ok with others. I was more accepting, and I was more accepted.

I no longer had to fight.

inabadway

So here's the question, as I suppose my primitive self will always be this way: what the heck can a grown up compete at sociably and legally?

inabadway

no, honestly and truly, I'm not being macho, that is what I crave, that is my lifeblood, some desire to win at something.

Its not remotely bad. In fact it probably built the world.

But that is what I crave, that is what I revolve around: a contest with a worthy foe. I am not a remotely violent man.

Dee74

You're at least one move ahead of where you ought to be IMO.

Fix the addiction first - then look at what you want your life to be like, your new sober goals, aspirations etc.

trying to do it the other way is like baking a cake without a mixing bowl...everything will inevitably end up on the floor in a sticky unappetising mess.

D

amy55

I think the worthy foe is the bottle !!!!!

amy55

Or perhaps more clearly, the worthy foe is yourself. You are your worst enemy. Defeat him, and you will begin to enjoy life, instead of feeling like you need to fight someone, to put someone else down. When you do that, believe it or not, you are trying to fight your own demon. Not the other person.