Threshold

That thought rushed over me yesterday. Whoosh.

Have some real anxiety lately. Some of it due to winter blues, some of it due to real life worries. yesterday some things brought it to a head, and MY head felt like it was going to explode.

Another sleepless night, another day wondering how to force myself through the routine, keep my BF's spirits up, walk through another day pretending things are ok...and are going to stay ok. Not let worries over tomorrow steal away today. Do the next right thing.

And I thought, felt, screamed inside "I just want to not feel this way...just for a little while"

Yup, that's why I used to drink/drug..I just wanted a break. A little vacation from the suffocating weight. I tried and failed at that enough times to know that drinking/drugging aren't the answer.

Even that is a little scary...like one more "hope" or option is gone. Oh no...now I don't even have THAT to turn to...one less thing between me and the big scary world. Of course that's an illusion, but that was the feeling. Like there is one less hoop for reality to jump through before it overwhelms me entirely.

But that IS an illusion, because drinking/drugging was actually one step closer, one easy invitation for reality of addiction to overwhelm me and wreck my life and any chance of real progress.

But in that " I can't stand one more second of this" feeling yesterday, the illusion seemed pretty real...or maybe I was just willing to suspend disbelief, and wanted the lie to be true. Hopelessness and exhaustion will do that to a person. Make them chase imaginary unicorns.

Another morning, feel like I am already running on empty. Hey, if I am going to be delusional, may as well pick a positive one, or one that offers hope, or a reality check that for today...I have a home. That is reality. Put fear on hold.

Walk through another day. Drinking/drugging won't make me feel better, won't provide more security, will actually endanger the security I DO have.

but what to do about this mortal terror in my gut? nothing. First do no harm, then do the next right thing. Be willing to surrender the terror if and when anything positive and hopeful happens. The terror is not magical, it won't keep me safe. Be willing to put it down and pick up hope.

Music

Happiness is an inside job. Most stress is self-imposed. My wife and I have been married a long time and you know what? It's not my job to make her happy. I can't make anyone feel anything they don't want to feel. The best I can do is to do what I need to do to make me happy and hope it rubs off on the people around me. I have to stay healthy and happy so I can cope with whatever comes my way. Kind of like on the airplane when they say to put the mask on before I try to help the kids. I'm know good to the kids if I'm passed out. I'm no good to my wife or anyone else if I'm a gloomy gus all the time. I do my best to be grateful for what I have, my wife included as well as friends and family but most of all, my sobriety and my faith in God.

Boleo

When it comes to "delusional", I just might be the worlds leading authority on the subject (I spent a lot of time practicing it). Now that I have made some progress on dispelling at least a portion of it, I realize that it is not positive thinking that scrubs it away, it is neutral thinking that just sort of neutralizes it.

Positive thinking, might be good for certain ailments but it is still loaded with judgement and expectations. To neutralize delusional thinking, I must purge myself of all judgement, good and bad. That is when the vale is lifted. Positive thinking only tints the vale a slightly different shade of opaque.

"All expectations are seeds for resentment"
(Chuang Tsu)

Johnston

Good post, threshold. I relate a lot.

fini

threshold,
just to say i've known that spot, the one where "i don't want to feel this feeling" comes with the the urge to get blasted.
it was yet one more little understanding-turning-point after i got sober.

yes. walk through the day.
breathe.

BackToSquareOne

I always thought the ability to instantly change the way I felt was the greatest thing since sliced bread. Drugs and alcohol give birth to the ultimate catch-22 situation. On the one hand they work, for a while anyhow, (until they wear off), on the other hand they have a very high price tag as they take your life apart piece by piece.

It really is a "You buy the ticket, you take the ride situation". The piper always has to be paid, no way to avoid that. I love half of what they can do but I despise the other half with a passion. My best solution is to just not buy the tickets any longer, that's the only way I have come up with to avoid the slow ride to hell that's part of the deal.

Why do people seek pleasure and get sucked into the vortex of the instant gratification stuff. It's just part of what the mind does if you let it out to play and buy into its every desire. People have fallen for that one since the beginning of time.

gaffo

Have you tried physical exercise? It's not magic but I find it can help. As I get older and have more sobriety, I am starting to realize that happiness comes and goes and comes again. I actually need time to not be "happy happy joy joy" to keep me grounded. Be good to yourself. Be patient. Good luck.

wheresthefun

What do people, who don't have addiction problems, do when they feel this way?

Just wondering out loud.

soberhawk

Thanks. Threshold.

I can relate to your feeling.

I can even entertain the thought. “What is the point, is life worth it without addiction.”

I think there are good points in many of the suggestion in this thread, but there are also time where we just are tired and do not want to feel that right now. Like the Tolkien quote “I feel thin, sort of stretched, like butter scraped over too much bread.”

Threshold

Yeah, some days are just lousy days, be it on the inside or the outside. It's all in how I react to it.

Neutral is a good idea Boleo. just let it be.

Addiction was me trying to force the issue.

whiskeyman

we will always have that. What do the "normal" people do

jdooner

Boleo - I understand you point and to a certain extent agree with the ying and yang philosophy. If you stay neutral you avoid the downside. Although, for me personally and this is just me, I am willing to accept some of the bad days for some of the good days - sober that is. So in essence I am unwilling to reach the highs that I used to get unnaturally bc I could not handle the lows that came with them but I do want some variety.

To each our own though. YOur post made me think, which is all I can ask. Thanks.

jaynie04

Great thread, thanks Threshold. Great posts too, thanks everyone, gave me a lot to think about.

I am stuck in grey too. I remember feeling bad for people who hadn't figured out that a little liquid in a glass could change any situation in an instant…….I have a strong memory of being in a crowded train station on my way to a bar after work, feeling like everyone else was rushing around like drones, and that I was shrouded in the armor of the expectation of dissolving into a glass. Now the armor is gone, and all the people who I felt bad for before have a secret I haven't learned. I guess it is coping, and staying in the moment. Damn uncomfortable sometimes.

I am not used to mundane, it freaks me out. Learning to live without chaos is something normies probably wouldn't get. The drama of the highs and lows sort of created a momentum, either mitigating a disaster, or ramping up for a new sauced sortie…it created movement if nothing else. I am not used to navigating in such still waters. I could crawl or I could run, now I am just learning how to walk.

Glad I am not alone.

Threshold

Amen...living in the moment and letting it be what it is, nothing more, nothing less. Letting ME be who I am, nothing more, nothing less.

I said something very similar to your last line when I got into recovery, I wanted to stop running to or away from my life, and learn to walk with it. Thanks for reminding me, because days like this make me forget EVERYTHING.

This morning I was definitely in favor or putting as much distance as possible between me and my feelings.

Now, thanks to the advice of folks here...shifted into neutral, got out in the Sunshine, put up Christmas decorations and shoveled snow.

It didn't fix everything, but I'm sober, and functional!

BackToSquareOne

I remember an interview from long ago that Arnold (of bodybuilding fame) gave. He said that from a very young age he saw the pain of intense exercise as the ultimate form of pleasure. I often wondered if a lot of those who achieve greatness in any field don't manage to pull off the same thing with whatever it is they do.

If you could manage to turn the mundane into the awesome or at least exciting (in your mind), you would view it in a whole different light. Thru some kind of insight I managed to turn the pleasure of drinking into the pain of withdrawal and extreme depression. That's where my thoughts go whenever I think of drinking.

I wonder how possible it is to alter the way we view things by changing how we interpret them with the mind. Lets say we take a boring shopping trip and change that in the mind to an exciting adventure. I've had some success with this stuff and I wonder how broad its application can be.

Anna

Threshold, have you ever tried Meditation? It offers just what you are looking for. It enables you to make your mind a blank slate and to just 'be' for a few minutes.

LadyBlue0527

I completely get what you're saying about it being an escape, even if only for a brief period of time. What I was surprised about though after being sober for a while was finding out how much I created those feelings and exaggerated the depth of them purely as an excuse to drink. Hell, I'd make an issue out of anything to trigger my irritability which in turn gave me the reason to say that I needed a drink.

This is not to say that I was never truly stressed out about anything. Just that I exaggerated the stress.

I get winter blues too. I'm a weather mood affected person and it bugs me when there's no sun and everything is gray. Sometimes you just need to scream "I want a drink" even if it means nothing. No harm in wanting one.

Thepatman

Fear is often based on what we think could happen. What I have trying lately is to separate myself from the feeling. Asking myself, it has not even happened why do I fear this?

I have a terrible fear of dying. When I start feeling the fear I tell myself that I cannot waste my life thinking of it. I must face it when it comes. I'm babbling sorry, good thread!!

Boleo

Congradulations... You just rediscovered Zen!

Threshold

For various reasons, some of which I don't understand, the emptying the mind meditation and I don't click. But I do use contemplation...focusing on something so at least it quiets 99% of the monkey mind, and moving meditations (walking, hiking, rhythmic movement, labyrinth walking) and those things DO help a great deal.

I think today shoveling snow sort of served that purpose, derailed my crazy train.

I noticed my "issues" with blank slate meditation decades ago, and later found out that people with certain mental disorders have problems, or even dangers with certain types of meditation. Makes no sense to people who don't have those issues...haha, have been told "it's all in your head"...well yeah.

Anyway, I just throw that out there for other folks who might have that issue, to know there are other forms of meditation that can be effective, though I cannot know if the result is the same, it has certainly served me well.