jade2112

I've been sober for 17 months now. I spent three months in rehab to get this far. I learned a lot and am happy I went.

This past two months the cravings and fantasizing over drinking go so bad i actually went to the store to price vodka then sat around thinking about what I'd mix it with. I went back on Naltrexone, which has helped immensely.

In the beginning I was so happy not to be sick and shaking every morning. I was proud of myself.

Lately I've been angry about having to quit. In detox I was told I'm a hardcore alcoholic and didn't have another nine months to live if I didn't quit.

I feel I was forced into sobriety by my health and my family. They would be so disappointed in me if I ever took another drink. This makes me resentful toward them.

I tell myself I'll be able to drink in a few years, maybe two more. This makes me afraid for my sobriety.

Any advice?

DoubleBarrel

What are you doing about recovery? Anything other than coming here?

I noticed that you seem to be less than grateful for your sobriety. Not making an accusation, just an observation.

If things were as bad as it seems to indicate, I think perhaps you are feeling sorry for yourself, rather than appreciating that you did not die a horrible death.

Do you go to meetings, therapy, anything?

You know where the bottle leads you. If you recovered for family, fine, it is what it is. But instead of resenting them for it, perhaps you can find a way to make it your own?

I suggest you go to a meeting at a detox. You will see what you were like, not that long ago. We have a bad memory when it comes to the pain of addiction.

Dee74

Look at these two quotes Jade:

sounds like you still have a little of what I call alcoholic insanity - it flies in the face of logic.

I stayed sober. I wanted to live.
I figured I gave 20 years to drinking - I could give a few months to recovery.

Eventually the insanity left me, my perspective changed and the anger & resentment left me, Jade.

D

MIRecovery

For me it was AA. Rehab got me sober AA taught me how to have a great life without alcohol

Boleo

If you feel like sobriety is a cross to bare... sooner or later you will wan't to set that cross down.

For me it took three phases of recovery;

1. Abstinence - to get alcohol out of my body.
2. Fellowship - to get alcohol out of my social life.
3. Spiritual Awakening - to get alcohol out of my mind.

Mountainmanbob

a quote from the bible
"stop your sinning or something worse may happen to you"

I would call death -- worse

MM

Anna

I wonder what changes you've made in your life along with stopping drinking? I think that, as your life gradually changes in recovery, you would not want to go back to drinking because your perspective would have changed.

jade2112

I never thought about the fact that I'm feeling sorry for myself. I'm sure you're right.

Instead of wallowing in a sea of self-pity I need to be thankful I'm still alive.

MB8

I can totally relate to this. I'm very new as I only have 28 days. The most I've had is 5 months. My wife is a non drinker. If she has A glass of wine a year it's a lot. She has never asked me to quit. She has strongly suggested that I do for my kids and my health. The first time I tried ( 5 months ) I remember being so resentful and angry towards her. Who the hell are you to tell me I can't do something that I love more than even breathing. The funny part was she never told me to quit. The problem was that I was quiting for her and my kids and not for myself. So when my urges were the strongest, the only place to guide my anger was towards her. And sadly enough a few times at my kids by yelling at them. This go around I am truly trying to do this for myself. Yes in around about way it is still for them but this time it's because I wanna be the best father, and I wanna be the best husband. For me, and in turn for them. I'm sure the anger will again come this time but I hope with this site and meetings that I'll be able to quickly squash it. Someone in this thread said it best " Alcoholics have very short memories ". So true. I constantly think, maybe I don't really have a problem. Yet I have to remember the time I woke up in my own vomit in the parking lot of the mall when I was supposed to be Christmas shopping for my wife. That's a problem. Hope this helps. It certainly helped me just writing it. Thank you for listening.

Sober and grateful. MB8

Leana

Is there any way your "romanticizing" your drinking? Memories tend to fade as sober days increase. Try remembering what drinking actually did to your life and what being sober can continue to do for your life.

awuh1

Jade, call it a hunch, but something tells me you may have a bit of depression. I know you did not say this anywhere in your post. I'm not even sure why the thought came to me, but something tells me you should consider the possibility.

jade2112

I do romanticize my past drinking. I used alcohol to forget my problems and unhappiness with my life. I miss being able to go away from it all. That may be the root of the problem.

Sudz No More

Eventually I just got sick and tired of being sick and tired. Sounds like you could try a little of that yourself. Look past all those resentments you have and leave them for dead. Holding on to them will just eat you up inside.

I found that when I held onto the past in reverence it kept bringing it back into the future. Best to let a sleeping dog lie, think beyond this towards a new perspective.

The longer you dwell the more it's your hell.

bigsombrero

You say you felt "forced" by family and friends. That's one way to see it. Another way to look at it: they saved your butt! You are pretty lucky to have some sensible people in your life that cared enough. And you care enough to hold yourself accountable. That's not resentment. That's called commitment.

I struggled for a few months also (I have about as much sober time as you and also went to treatment). I was experiencing some financial hardships and was out of a job, and that made a sober life even harder. I was checking the mailbox every day waiting for my "Sobriety Prize" to show up. It never did, I didn't even get a free breakfast at Denny's. Zip. And I was pretty darn angry about it.

You're not alone with these feelings. However, in my experience if you keep making some positive things happen in your life ASIDE from "just being sober", you will really start appreciating your sobriety. In my case it was a new job, and a new relationship, and being able to be a good uncle to my niece/nephew. When that all came together, I saw my sobriety as the key to making all those things happen.

Perhaps it's time to branch out a little - hobbies, jobs, personal life, etc. You might be frustrated because sobriety is "getting in your way of having fun". But if you take a few steps outside your comfort zone, you'll find that sobriety is actually your ticket to some really wonderful experiences. You just have to get outside of the house and punch that ticket.

Dee74

Didn't you get yours BigS? Ripped off...

Seriously, tho...I felt the same way.

I realised later I'd been 'rewarding' myself with a drink for years. I was not only used to immediate gratification - I was expecting it.

D

jade2112

I am depressed and my psychiatrist is working on it with me. I believe it's situational depression due to my living situation.

I have a really small house with one master bedroom.

My 23 year old son and his 33 year old girlfriend have lived with us the past three years. Since I can't stand a mess we gave them the bedroom, and our bed. I didn't want all their crap in my living room. They have a lot of crap.

They have never given us a dime and blow us off when we give them a deadline to get out. He is an opiate addict (On Methedone now, thank God.) and she's a benzo addict now off the pills.

I couldn't stand it and didn't go home after rehab getting my own place. I was so happy.

My husband is an alcoholic drinking a thirty pack a day on his days off and half a one on work days. He smokes weed constantly. He's functional excelling at work at the job he's held for the past 30 years.

I had told them I wasn't coming home while in rehab. My husband, who goes to work and sits and drinks, went crazy. So did my boys.

The 23 year old burned my belongings and ran over my laptop. He called me constantly at rehab calling me all sorts of foul names. Even a stupid f****** c***.

When I refused to take any more calls he and his girlfriend would leave long incoherent messages on the nurses station answering machine.

My husband simply can't take care of himself and when I got back they had no cable, phones, or electricity. The rent was a month overdue. I assume he spent his money on alcohol, bars, and drugs as he had nothing to show for it.

I took care of all these problems, using my own money. I also bought them groceries ever week.

My husband pestered me all the time. I already felt guilty for leaving him. I've done everything for him for the past 32 years right down to going to buy him shoes because he refuses to go to the store. It's like raising another child that never ends.

He finally wore me down. The guilt I had was strong. I told him I'd only come back if the kids were gone.

They did leave and I moved back home. However, their roommate, who is a violent alcoholic/addict, took and instant dislike to Shelly and would threaten her, call her names, and throw things at her. She couldn't stay alone with him.

Being so deep in their addictions they spent every penny the had on drugs. This lead to them being evicted and having no electricity. This was in March in the Midwest.

You don't turn your back on your kids so we let them move back in with the stipulation it was for one month. That was nine months ago.

I haven't slept in a bed in nine months. My husband takes the recliner and me the sofa.

So, I'm right back to where I started, depressed and wanting to drink it all away.

I want to leave again so badly, but I'd feel so guilty leaving my husband to fend for himself. He'd be in the streets within three months.

Thanks for reading this far.

tomsteve

it reads to me like a lot of the problems are self induced.
"but I'd feel so guilty leaving my husband to fend for himself."
and how has enabling him worked?
how has enabling ALL of them worked?
doesn't read like its workin very good.

"You don't turn your back on your kids."
but I don't allow mine to use me as a doormat. or anyone else for the matter.

jade2112

I don't like to admit it, but I know I'm being taken advantage of by all of them. That I'm an enabler.

When I got to rehab I was so codependent with my son it was unbelievable. Therapy has help a lot with that.

I am seriously considering leaving for good. I'm waiting until after the holidays.

Dee74

I'm sorry for your situation Jade.

It's very true that sobriety won't solve all your problems - in fact it may even create a few more problems by showing you how unbearable your life is - it did for me.

The thing I realised tho? However bad my life is, being sober means I'm that much closer to solving things than I used to be.

I can't run away anymore - I have to find solutions now.

D

DoubleBarrel

Jesus, no WONDER you feel the way you do.

Get into a healthy environment. You are surrounded by addicts, are enabling them, and getting abused? Wow. I'm frankly impressed you are still sober.

Just get out of there, do what ever it takes. Your life literally depends on it. You will be amazed at how insane it all looks in retrospect.

In fact, I wouldn't even think about looking at treatment for depression. Any rational sane person would be depressed. That is the appropriate emotion to have living in that scenario.

Once we get sober, the next step is clearing up the "wreckage of the past". Sounds like the wreckage is living with you. You deserve some standards.

Best of luck to you. Sounds like a real handful.