Makrellen

What I'm hoping for is that I can be a controlled addict.. only drink sometimes. Like in the old days
I guess I'm fooling myself
Learning by doing..

MIRecovery

Being alcoholic is like being pregnent. Either you are or aren't. There is no such thing as being a little alcoholic or pregnent

ScottFromWI

Controlled addict is of course a contradiction in terms. But I think you know that, right?

Makrellen

I think many many people are controlled addicts.. all my frinds are. they only drink in weekends, yet they can't wait for it to become weekend, so they can drink and forget

ScottFromWI

What should really matter to you is whether or not drinking causes a problem for you. How often you drink and how much you drink is really kind of irrelevant, and how much other people drink or when they do it is even less important.

It's pretty apparent that you are looking for some sort of confirmation that it's OK for you to drink on the weekends. You won't find that here as we are a community based on supporting sobriety.

Alcoholics cannot moderate their drinking, and drinking only on weekends is moderation. It is certainly possible ( albeit remotely based on what you have told us ) that you are not an alcoholic. But that is for you to decide.

jaynie04

Mak, I know you are here because you are looking for thoughts and support. You have mentioned that you struggle with depression, pouring alcohol on top of this is like pouring gasoline on top of a fire hoping it will go out.

I think quantifying your drinking in terms of what your friends do keeps the focus off of the more pressing issue. I have always done the best when I am surrounded by people I want to live up to, not down to.

You mention wanting to drink "like in the old days"…I doubt many will argue that a lot of us otherwise rather intelligent people get caught up in the same dilemma, chasing that elusive buzz that we used to get. The problem is the buzz becomes more and more fleeting, and the consequences become more and more dire. In fact if I had to really define what alcoholism was to me, it was just that, trying to recapture something that no longer existed, and in doing so hurting myself and others.

You might corral your drinking to the weekdays only, but look at the energy you are expending on thinking and talking about drinking in the middle of the week….That is the problem with moderation for me, it owned me even if I wasn't physically drinking.

You know how when you go for a run it is actually harder to walk really really fast, than to just let go and run. It sounds to me like that is where you are right now, and it is actually a more difficult (and IMO a more dangerous) place to be.

It takes courage to be here and be honest about your struggle. I looked back at your older posts and since you did ask for thoughts I will lend this. My guess is that if you "only drink on weekends" your posts in a month or two will resemble your posts from Sept or October.

You've been down that road, a few times. Don't you think it is worth trying something different this time? The one thing you will guarantee is that the future chapters look different. The bargaining you are doing now is simply ensuring that you stay stuck…and it does not sound like that is a healthy or happy place for you is it?

hiddenzebra

"You know how when you go for a run it is actually harder to walk really really fast, than to just let go and run. It sounds to me like that is where you are right now, and it is actually a more difficult (and IMO a more dangerous) place to be."


I don't know how to quote yet, but i liked that.

For me, weekends was a possibility I'd attempted numerous times, and always failed at. For whatever reason, a single drunk night has been impossible for years. After several days of abstinence and withdrawal, it was always "why not just one more night." The hangover of the next day would subside, and by the end of the day it was time to drink again, because obviously I was just a problem drinker, not an alcoholic, or so I told myself. Eventually the daily drinking would turn into twice-daily drinking, or more often. It got worse after that.

It's been a week for me, and my body and mind feel better than they have in years. This website has been phenomenal in helping me. Would I like to catch that buzz? Of course. Problem is it never lasts and the desire for larger amounts of alcohol increases too rapidly to control. There's a different person that comes out when I drink. I don't like that person any more. Just my thoughts.

Hope you do well, whatever you decide.

Makrellen

But how can I use will power to stop drinking, if the excact thing I'm hunting is NO-control and just letting-go?
Beers make me feel so good and "normal"
I guess I have to fall over the edge to truly see the edge
But perhaps I'm getting closer now.. 7 steps back, 8 steps forward

ScottFromWI

Most people with an alcohol problem can't use willpower alone to stop drinking. That's pretty much the definition of alcoholism. If you could control or stop drinking whenever you wanted to, you probably aren't an alcoholic.

If you are an alcoholic, you need to invest the help and support of others and potentially a sobriety plan/method in order to get and stay sober.

Honestly i don't know what you'll learn by continuing to drink that you don't already know, other than that it will only get worse.

Makrellen

I'm reading what you all say.. just so you know
Will re-read it all again

A deeper question..
How can I start doing good for myself, when I hate myself and my life and just want it all to dissappear?
My therapist said "I won't start treating you untill you stopped drinking for a month"
Ok.. I will try that. I'm just not ready. Will I ever be hm hm
My doctor said (when talking about depression): "I can't give you a magic pill". Well, she can, but won't

ScottFromWI

Most of us have underlying issues that we tried to escape via alcohol or drugs. And your therapist is correct that most of those issues cannot be treated until we quit drinking. Alcohol is a depressant so it makes depression and anxiety worse.

The best thing you can do ( assuming you want to ) is to stop drinking. Nothing will change until you do that. In fact, things will most likely get worse the longer you drink.

If you aren't able to stop on your own, i'd suggest something like AA or NA where you can meet with others daily who are in the same predicament you are. Having daily accountability with others can be a big help.

Makrellen

From my heart: thank you for replying with your thoughts/opinions

Like2Hike

Makrellen, for many years I lost beautiful weekend days because of binge drinking the night before. Days wasted by laying on a couch with a dreadful hangover. Please don't let that happen you. Good on ya for joining the gym and taking up exercise.

These last 11 months of sober weekends have been the greatest gift I've ever given myself.

Ruby2

What kind of magic pill are you looking for from the doctor? I took Zoloft for years and was disappointed that it didn't seem to work. But I was drinking like a fish and alcohol is a depressant. No antidepressant is going to work well or at all if you combine it with alcohol. They just cancel each other out.

Once I quit drinking I got a whole lot less depressed.

GracieLou

Makrellen, I can feel the struggle that you have going on and only you can decide if you are an alcoholic.

For me, finally admitting it was the hardest thing and I don't mean just to say it. I said it many times during my drinking career. It was the doing something about it part that was so extremely difficult.

The fact was, I did not want to do anything about it. I did not want to stop drinking. I wanted to escape, have fun with my friends, go to bars etc. I did not want to give that away. It was fun.

I can tell you that I went from drinking only on Friday nights and the weekends to daily. Then I went to mornings on the weekends and drank all day long. The friends were gone, the bars were gone. It was just me and my bottle. The last two years I drank myself into isolation.

I am not going to tell you that it is easy to change. It takes work and it takes courage. I walked into AA and I have found everything I needed to start my journey and to continue on it but it only works if you are willing to try. To take one day at a time.

They cannot make you stop drinking if you are not ready to stop. I know I was scared. I was scared to stop, I was afraid to try. What if I failed? What it I had no fun? What if I lose the one friend I had left? What if I discover I am an alcoholic, what now?

I would have never known the answers if I did not take that leap of faith. Today I am so glad I did. I am 8 months sober. I have more friends now then I have had in the last two decades and these are friends of quality. I have more fun now then I had in the last two decades because it is real, not out of a bottle. I did not get my old life back, I go a new one. I was able to start over from scratch and I am 45 years old.

Nobody but you can take that leap of faith. When you are ready, we will be waiting for you. I can only pray it does not take you as long as it has taken me. To thine own self be true. Do not look at anything or anybody other than you. When it is time, you will know.

Spinach

Alcohol for so many here when discovered ,have an amazing find any inhibitions etc overridden humour appears and confidence grows, and we remember that,even when we've been incoherent rude aggressive and we quickly forget that.
It's a new life without drink and firstly you give up with a time frame , so your getting through during that time you don't try and build a new life around not drinking , so when you start drinking again the same thing happens except quicker. If you give up for a longer time say 6 months a year ,by the nature of all things human you are forced to do other things building a different life , be that staying in and reading taking up hobbies alone or joining groups you build a life not around drinking! When you then reach the time of making a choice many people realise teetotal life is showing more promise than the bottle , some take the drink and a few will be fine , but most will just increase and quickly end up back again. A psychiatrist told me that your brain will be looking for the high levels of alcohol that it remembers as soon as you drink again and it takes will power of an army to stop having that extra one/two etc.
Now the hard sell, you have found this place it can save and change your life for the better , remember it and if you do start drinking keep in touch you might just want to change your mind and this place can help, or bite the bullet start today and build for change .
John

LadyinBC

You coming here and reaching out is a start. You have an open mind and that is really important.

Everyone's journey to sobriety is very unique and different from the next persons. Everyone had to find their own way there and it isn't easy for anyone.

Most of us have had ups and downs and had to learn things the hard way. You will get there when you are ready, the timing is different for everyone. Just don't ever give up that is all.

DarkDays

Why ruin your weekends by drinking ?

Hardly going to enhance them in anyway .

Makrellen

Well, as long as the beers are so good, I feel enhanced by them
Have not yet come to the point where I say: beer is only bad

jaybee1

I don't think moderation works for everyone. Certainly not for most of us on here.

If you're going to give it a try I would suggest having a bit more "uninterrupted sobriety" before going down that path to give yourself a better chance of success. I would concentrate on doing whatever it takes to reduce isolation if that's a trigger.

Good luck. Let us know what happens