Petewill

I am still moving along - over 5 months.. I am working the aa program (step 4) so angry and resentful at my life in general and the bad decisions i made, being totally alone.. sorry, sobriety in itself is so lonely.. and just hanging out with a bunch of aa guys in recovery is not going to do the trick to cure that "alone" feeling. lol . I cant seem to let it all rest in god's hands like my sponsor says and trust the outcome. I feel pressure at work, no woman in my life, and just anger in general. I am a mess.. haha. this is not what I should be feeling at this time. the whole prospect of going through years of recovery for this sucks.. !! this sucks.. I'll stop my rant now.. My sponsor says I am having a pity party.. but, seriously. this stuff hurts. thanks for reading..

Dee74

I'm sorry Pete.
I'm not in AA but I think the idea is by the time you hit step 12 things are a lot better

You've been doing great mate - I'm really proud of your progress. Hope better days are ahead this week

D

Petewill

thanks for all the feedback... lol

silentrun

I felt like that between months 4 and 6. So you sound pretty on track to me. Past the daily struggle to drink but not yet at acceptance. I think the first year is tough on all of us. Rant away because it does seem to help.

Petewill

the interesting this is that my sponsor does not think i am ready to move past step 4.. as he does not think I have enough spirituality. or giving it up to a higher power...

jazzfish

I've heard you get spirituality BY working the steps. Also, you can work the steps as fast as you want. There is absolutely no reason and nothing in the Big Book that says they need to be worked slowly. Maybe try a new or an additional sponsor?

KateL

I'm not in AA either, but things do get better after a time, however you work it

doggonecarl

You don't need to be in AA to know that carrying around a belly full of resentments is going to make you feel bad and hamper your recovery.

What's done is done. Forget the past. As for how you feel about your current situation, feeling lonely, angry, stressed at work...YOU control that, just like you control whether you drink or not. You can choose to feel miserable or make a plan to change things.

resolute50

Give it time,Pete.
Things have a way of working themselves out.
You could be kicking stones and feeling down one month and feeling overjoyed the next.
Best wishes for finding all that you need or want in life.

tomsteve

" this is not what I should be feeling at this time."
yes, it is what you should be feeling at this time.
by you saying this, IMO, yer playing God and saying you know whats best for you.
yer not totally alone. its your perception. its not what you want and I will tell ya straight out a woman in yer life aint gonna make it any better.
recovery wont do the trick. footwork on changing you and your attitudes will.
im glad yer on step 4, but since yer struggling with this, its my opinion ya should back upa step or 3.
I was hurtin for certain in early recovery. the denial was gone and I was facing everything. lots of guilt and remorse.
what got me though it was working the program. it may be harder, but the easier,softer way of stuffin it all and drinking resulted in nil, so I kept on trudging.

RobbyRobot

Hey Pete,

Of course it hurts. I don't see you having a pity party, you know? When we examine our drinking past it for sure brings us to a mixed bag of whatever. It's done, and we need to move on. At the same time, we want to do better of course, and learn what we can, when we can. I see you trying to do that, Pete.

An inventory with step 4 makes good sense at times like these. Waiting to become "spiritual enough" means what? He's your sponsor, not mine. If he was mine, he'd help me with my 4th, or I'd look somewhere else for that help asap. That's me. Any sponsor judging my spirituality, or anyone else's is working beyond their pay grade, lol. The whole point of being spiritual in AA is to come to our own understanding. Doesn't mean we wait around for someone else to green-light and approve our own understanding, lol.

You're totally correct to be upset with this dragging on, imo. For the record Pete, I've been and am successful with AA for decades now, and yeah, the suffering and hurt from my past wrecked drunken life ended many decades ago too. Those promises promised really did, and still do, come true.

Good to see you posting, Pete.

whiskeyman

you should listen to your sponsor, they know you best. And if you think they dont know you enough you better go out for more coffee with them.

Petewill

thanks for all the feedback. still pretty down, but hanging in there in spite of these crap feelings. I feel less than.... this kind of started with getting rejected by a girl.. on top of all this other stuff. I seem to be basing my self worth on what others(women) think of me.. bright huh? nothing like not being able to escape the aloneness with a bottle of whiskey, when drinking, i didn't need anyone..

Tamerua

This will pass Pete. Being rejected sucks, whether it's by a woman or a job or a friend. Keep working with your sponsor on that step and really owning your part in all that anger. And Dee is totally right! By the time you get to 12, you will feel great. At least that is what I'm told.

Mountainmanbob

my Sponsor says that we recover from the wreckage of our past
perhaps you are still working on that

best for all in life to find that grateful frame of mind and heart
the though that I need to stay away from is
poor me poor me poor me another drink

MM

mfanch

It sounds like you are getting down to brass tacks. Remember, in st4, we are taking an inventory, not judging ourselves. We are using our experience to benefit others and if we don't look into the mirror, how can we know what our maladjustments are? My sponsor would say, "You are right where you are supposed to be."

There is a great passage on page 25 in the BB: "Almost none of us liked the self-searching, the leveling of our pride, the confession of shortcomings which the process requires for its successful consummation. But we way that it really worked in others, and we had come to believe in the hopelessness and futility of life as we had been living it."

So, in other words, who is having a fun time doing steps? Almost none of us. BUT something happens when we do the work. We start to have a profound difference in our reaction to life.

In the meantime, it feels like we are sometimes fish flopping around on a dock, desperately searching for ANYTHING wet.

lovesymphony

It always rubs me the wrong way when someone calls another person's suffering and grief a "pity party". In some cases it's downright abusive. And most relationships fail for one reason or another. There definitely has to be something more reliable to build your self worth on. If you do find a lasting, loving, happy relationship, you will have something precious and rare, not something to ordinarily be expected.