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Old 11-30-2013, 11:03 PM
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First post: Why do I want to drink

Hello All,
I've always been plagued by this miserable question why. Ever since I was like 8 years old. Like why does gravity work, why are we here, why is the sky blue, and so on and so forth.

I am now a sophomore in college, not even 21. I am on the varsity swim program at my said college. Recently as of the day before thanksgiving I decided I want to quit drinking. Well more like I need to. I surely do not want to. Tuesday night, two nights before thanksgiving, marked the second time in four weeks that I drank so much that I not only passed out, threw up for hours, and couldnt speak, but I also lost bowel control. The first time I was in my own house. Not that this made it okay, especially since I wasnt the one cleaning myself up even at home. The second time (this is two nights before thanksgiving), I was in a strangers house. A friend knew the person and I was with the friend. Needless to say I didnt make it home that night.

In general during recent drinking, I have been in need of being taken care of. I realize how horrible of a person I am doing this to others.

So i have come to ask myself, why do i want to drink this much? And this is my answer:
1) I love the feeling of being drunk
2) I love having no rules for a change. (i know that there are rules sober but drunk I believe I can do anything)
3) Once drunk, I feel like I am never drunk enough
4) I like the feeling of living life on the edge. what if i drink too much and die i sometimes think. this makes it so much more invigorating
5) i never feel very strong emotions or attachment to others sober. being drunk changes this

I realize all these reasons are very bad and very dangerous to myself and others. However, I am often bored/fed up with the society I watch around me and i feel the need to leave it, and this is my escape.

Feel free to comment and give advice or share a story. Especially to thinks such as number 5 and number 4. My lack of interest in the world is something when fixed I believe I will have little reason to drink again. But who knows.
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Old 12-01-2013, 02:52 AM
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I cannot tell you why you drink that way, I can only tell you why I drank that way.

The reason is because I am an alcoholic. Once I have that first drink, the chase it on and I will chase it until I am in a black out and then I will pass out.

Originally Posted by DayDreamer33 View Post
1) I love the feeling of being drunk
I did too until I didn't. After a while it was no longer a choice. I had done it so often and so long that it was my way of life. I could not function without the booze.


Originally Posted by DayDreamer33 View Post

2) I love having no rules for a change. (i know that there are rules sober but drunk I believe I can do anything)
There are rules about drinking it just seems you have not faced them yet. There will come a time when these friends that are putting up with your **** fests will wonder away.

There are no rules about being sober. It is called life. Dealing with life on life's terms. It is not a rule. Everyone is different and sobriety comes in varying flavors.


Originally Posted by DayDreamer33 View Post
3) Once drunk, I feel like I am never drunk enough
I understand this. I wanted more. The chase. I ran that race many times.

Originally Posted by DayDreamer33 View Post

4) I like the feeling of living life on the edge. what if i drink too much and die i sometimes think. this makes it so much more invigorating
I fell off the edge. I can tell you, it was not invigorating.

Originally Posted by DayDreamer33 View Post

5) i never feel very strong emotions or attachment to others sober. being drunk changes this
Neither did I and at times I am still lonely in a room full of people. This does get better. The more I have set my fear aside and reached out to people the more I find. The more comfortable I get and the more friends I make.

Originally Posted by DayDreamer33 View Post
I realize all these reasons are very bad and very dangerous to myself and others. However, I am often bored/fed up with the society I watch around me and i feel the need to leave it, and this is my escape.
I understand the escape. When I looked around me I did not feel that I wanted what others had. It was lame or useless to me.

I could ramble about what I did to change all these things you mention but that won't change anything for you.

I think the only question you have to ask yourself is, are you an alcoholic?
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Old 12-01-2013, 03:21 AM
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if it makes you feel any better I lost bowel control once too and it happened to be the one time I got in trouble with the police. i didn't know about until I saw my pants on the floor after I woke up the next morning. i think I was so nervous about the police talking to me and that is what did it. I remembered the police

opening up all the windows and doors in the station and then I knew why. so embarrassing. Two days later I forgot about it and continued with my heavy drinking... if you can nip this in the bud at your age you will have a leg up on most of us
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Old 12-01-2013, 05:02 AM
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I like many started to drink because it was pleasurable in the beginning but consuming it increased with time and what may have been a friend became a life changing enemy. Social drinkers don't usually have our experiences after drinking. One of the reasons I'm an alcoholic is the fact that if I pick up a drink I cannot guarantee the results of doing so.

BE WELL
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Old 12-01-2013, 02:53 PM
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Thank you for all of your experience and lessons. I hope to be able to make the right decisions in the future and stay sober. It will be hard when all of those around me are blacked out and i am the only one sober.
I do not know if im an alcoholic yet, but there is certainly a problem, and if i dont confront it now, i know i will be for sure down the road
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Old 12-01-2013, 02:58 PM
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I first started having warning signs alcohol was a problem for me at 21-22. I paid attention to them (like it sounds like the OP has) but it didn't bother me enough to stop (possibly also similar to the OP). I am 35 now and my best advice is quit while you are young. Believe me when I say it can get much worse. I loved to drink, still do! But not as much as I love being alive and not behind bars or in a hospital bed.
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Old 12-01-2013, 03:01 PM
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Yes, as Caboblanco says, you are young and you realise it isn't good. I wish I had that perception at your age. My life would have been really different.
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Old 12-01-2013, 03:06 PM
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Hi DayDreamer33, welcome to SR!

I can identify with everything that you list. Nothing there that anyone here hasn't felt. They are all valid and logical reasons to want to drink and at the same time are all big red flags.

So i have come to ask myself, why do i want to drink this much? And this is my answer:
1) I love the feeling of being drunk
2) I love having no rules for a change. (i know that there are rules sober but drunk I believe I can do anything)
3) Once drunk, I feel like I am never drunk enough
4) I like the feeling of living life on the edge. what if i drink too much and die i sometimes think. this makes it so much more invigorating
5) i never feel very strong emotions or attachment to others sober. being drunk changes this
Here's the funny thing about those reasons though. You could sit right now and read them off with a very happy voice. Eventually what will happen is you'll be saying the same things but there will be a note of disgust in your voice.

Seriously, those things never change it's how you feel about them that changes. What was once fun becomes fun no longer and you'll see that in a lot of posts here.

I hope that you stick around and read, you'll get a lot of insight of what alcohol truly becomes over a period of time. #3 is a biggie. That's where the problems really begin. No control.
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Old 12-02-2013, 09:32 AM
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Based on what you posted it is pretty clear you are an alcoholic. It won't get better if you keep drinking, only worse. This isn't a probability it is a certainty. I don't mean to depress you just being honest.
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Old 12-02-2013, 12:38 PM
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buf... yeah, I've felt the same for too long... Now I feel ashamed, and I ave to fight every day to not have a drink (failing miserably most of the times...). Try to quit as soon as you can, 'cause it's not funny... Losing friends and family is not funny, your mother being told that her daughter went to class drunk isn't funny, and feeling embarrassed, ashamed and completely out of control, is definitely a pain....

But great you have decided to take a step and joining this family... I have just started, but the feeling of support is so great (and I am in Spain), that it makes me wanna try again, and -hopefully-, to finally succeed and quit at last....

Congrat for being here!
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Old 12-02-2013, 01:27 PM
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1 I love the feeling of poop in my pants

2 I love no rules. I can crap myself when ever and where ever I want

3 When it comes to uncontrolled bowel movements a lttle is never enough

4 I can live on the edge and it does not have to be a toilet seat

5 I feel so warm and mushy when my pants are full

Alcoholism, a gift that just keeps giving. Why should I quit when I'm having this much fun
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Old 12-02-2013, 06:04 PM
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Originally Posted by PhaseTwo View Post
Based on what you posted it is pretty clear you are an alcoholic. It won't get better if you keep drinking, only worse. This isn't a probability it is a certainty. I don't mean to depress you just being honest.
Honesty helps a lot. Im the type to analyze everything and am usually 100 percent honest with myself. always in search for truth. I am a little astonished to find out that I had mentally told myself I am not. "Its just a little problem" i had thought. But these last few days, knowing that I wont be able to reward (cant believe i was actually mentally using that word even) myself on the weekends for making it through the week, I came to realize I am very wrong. Im not just waiting a week. or even two.

I think this may be a bit harder than i thought, especially when i go to Puerto Rico with the swim team and everyone goes to bars and gets blasted out of their minds and i have to sit there sober and alone.
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Old 12-03-2013, 12:39 AM
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Originally Posted by DayDreamer33 View Post
I think this may be a bit harder than i thought, especially when i go to Puerto Rico with the swim team and everyone goes to bars and gets blasted out of their minds and i have to sit there sober and alone.
You do not have to sit there sober and alone. There are AA meetings everywhere. Even if you do not want to attend AA you still do not have to sit there. That is a choice, if you choose to make it. I am sure there are other things you can do.

I was watching a movie the other day and at the beginning the kid says something that hit me right between the eyes. I wrote it down so I will never forget it.

"Nothing is going to stop me, not even me". When I let my fear dictate my choices then I am only hurting myself. Sometimes, I have to get the hell out of the way.
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Old 12-03-2013, 05:29 AM
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Daydreamer . . .great that you realized you have a problem! I too drank heavily in my college years. After that i became a weekend drinker sometimes heavily more often just a bottle of wine over 3 days. The problem is i I HAD to have that bottle every weekend. A couple of years ago i abstained for a year from alcohol. Thought i was ok and went back to it . . .gradually fell back into the same patterns. I am now 41. Being drunk isnt funny anymore its disgusting. Throwing up isnt ok anymore especially with two kids. Dont be that petson. Take care of it now.
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Old 12-03-2013, 05:30 AM
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Originally Posted by DayDreamer33 View Post
Hello All,
I've always been plagued by this miserable question why. Ever since I was like 8 years old. Like why does gravity work, why are we here, why is the sky blue, and so on and so forth.

I am now a sophomore in college, not even 21. I am on the varsity swim program at my said college. Recently as of the day before thanksgiving I decided I want to quit drinking. Well more like I need to. I surely do not want to. Tuesday night, two nights before thanksgiving, marked the second time in four weeks that I drank so much that I not only passed out, threw up for hours, and couldnt speak, but I also lost bowel control. The first time I was in my own house. Not that this made it okay, especially since I wasnt the one cleaning myself up even at home. The second time (this is two nights before thanksgiving), I was in a strangers house. A friend knew the person and I was with the friend. Needless to say I didnt make it home that night.

In general during recent drinking, I have been in need of being taken care of. I realize how horrible of a person I am doing this to others.

So i have come to ask myself, why do i want to drink this much? And this is my answer:
1) I love the feeling of being drunk
2) I love having no rules for a change. (i know that there are rules sober but drunk I believe I can do anything)
3) Once drunk, I feel like I am never drunk enough
4) I like the feeling of living life on the edge. what if i drink too much and die i sometimes think. this makes it so much more invigorating
5) i never feel very strong emotions or attachment to others sober. being drunk changes this

I realize all these reasons are very bad and very dangerous to myself and others. However, I am often bored/fed up with the society I watch around me and i feel the need to leave it, and this is my escape.

Feel free to comment and give advice or share a story. Especially to thinks such as number 5 and number 4. My lack of interest in the world is something when fixed I believe I will have little reason to drink again. But who knows.
My own drinking problems arose when I got to college. I drank excessively at any opportunity to achieve much of what you are: escape, adrenaline, alternate personality, etc. I never did reach a rock bottom from drinking during college and afterward, so I never had a compelling event to make me stop. Rather, I accumulated a catalog of 10 years of negative events I could attribute to drinking. Not sure which is more powerful of a motivator, frankly.

Not sure if you're into philosophy, but Jean Jacques Rousseau expounded in his Discourse on the Origin of Inequality (hope I have the title correct) that humans are motivated to act by two intrinsic factors: self-preservation and avoidance of pain felt by others. One can interpret these factors in a number of ways, but you can apply them in this context by reasoning that it is against your human nature to use alcohol. Alcohol is a harmful substance that has nominal health benefits in relation to its danger potential. It also has a remarkable ability to cause someone to do things that hurt others--whether physically or emotionally.

Philosophy aside, here's a fact: you don't need alcohol to feel feelings, be social or love life. You can do that without extraneous substances. Until you embody that fact, you will be afflicted with an urge to drink.

I wish you luck and congrats on demonstrating foresight at this early stage in your life.
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Old 12-03-2013, 05:45 AM
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Originally Posted by DayDreamer33 View Post
Honesty helps a lot. Im the type to analyze everything and am usually 100 percent honest with myself. always in search for truth. I am a little astonished to find out that I had mentally told myself I am not. "Its just a little problem" i had thought. But these last few days, knowing that I wont be able to reward (cant believe i was actually mentally using that word even) myself on the weekends for making it through the week, I came to realize I am very wrong. Im not just waiting a week. or even two.

I think this may be a bit harder than i thought, especially when i go to Puerto Rico with the swim team and everyone goes to bars and gets blasted out of their minds and i have to sit there sober and alone.
I can believe you used the word "reward" for drinking. Most of us did that every weekend. I know it's hard to fathom now but you can definitely enjoy life without it. I drank for the same reasons as you. The inability to form strong emotional bonds sober was a big one, I am just learning how to do this. Don't think of it as forever just try to make it through the next weekend at first and notice how much better it feels to wake up without any guilt and shame from the night before.
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Old 12-03-2013, 06:23 AM
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I love drinking too however my life becomes completely unmanageable. Its crazy to think I love something that almost killed me. Its complete insanity. I look at it this way, there are a lot of things in my life that I love more then drinking. Family, health, finances, my job, emotional stability.
I have the addiction of "more". I could be completely hammered and I just wanted More alcohol.
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