Threshold

Maxx, I hear you, and feel for you.

I have some really not nice diagnosis too. And along with not being able to enjoy a glass of wine, toast at a wedding etc...there are some other things I was told I'd never do again, and other things I really won't be able to do again. Things that most of us take for granted as a normal and very pleasurable part of life.

The thought of that made me crazy, like literally, when i first got these diagnosis I felt like I simply couldn't live in my skin anymore, ever again. I wanted right then to go out and either obliterate my brain or just kill myself because the thought of "never again" was too overwhelming...

My brain crashed, like a computer that couldn't handle the enormity of data, because in THAT moment I was experiencing the collective pain, mortification and sense of loss that "never again" felt like.

I survived it by breaking "never again" down into the realistic "now".

At any given moment there are more things I cannot do than that I can do. Yet I just bop along, paying attention to what I am doing and mostly enjoying it, or being indifferent to it. That is how life works.

When I am not mourning everything I am not or cannot do, I find myself pleased or even delighted with what I am doing. But even now, today, sitting here... I can literally be suicidal and hopeless in 5 seconds if I go to the "never again" mindset. I know, because there are moments it happens, and it feels like a damned heart attack, a painful , breath taking squeeze in my chest.

Life is terminal. We all die. We all have limitations that will make us crazy if we make them the most important thing in our life. Some of us are faced with more shocking, painful or life impacting limitations than others.

Drinking won't help change any of those limitations, it just adds another layer of limit on top of them.

If you love life, I'd suggest not doing something that will not only shorten it, but make it crappier than it has to be. This is advice I have to give myself every day.

I really don't want to live the time I have as a pathetic drunk. That pretty much is the bottom line for me. your mileage may vary.

KateL

Be well Maxx

YoungAndClean

Hey Maxx congrats on your 4 months. Try to remember all the baggage that drinking comes with. I'm 4 months sober also and instead of facing the daunting "I'll never be able to drink again," it's better to think to myself, "today I am choosing to stay sober and here is why ________." Someday I might choose not to stay sober. If you can also choose to stay sober today, you might choose to stay sober tomorrow also. Anyways, I know it's brutally hard sometimes, but your doing really well!

afloatsober

Max
Keep us posted eh?
G

Mags1

Hi Maxx take care. Thinking of you.

geiser

A one of my best friends boyfriend died last week from severe alcoholism blood was everywhere not to be so graphic but I have to keep that picture in my mind. Lost one of my best friends last year from an alcohol related death. I merely thought about the weight I would be gaining and then it got out of control. Was treated for withdrawal for the first time in my life. Have always been able to moderate. Alcohol does nothing but exacerbate other health problems I have now scared I'll loose my disability income if social security finds out went through a very bad month emotionally and made myself sicker. Trying to go back to my healthier self . . . So many pictures I play in my mind but I do it hour by hour. The only thing stopping me from drinking is me. Your doing so well
I started to feel that way too. Never to have another pint of my favorite scotch ale. . .trying not to think to far ahead now. Hang on and realize you can do this.

Lorax1981

Maxx, stick with it buddy. I hit a tough spot also but I'm glad I kept it. You can do it and you'll be able to help somebody else down the line.
-Ted

babycat

I am sure you mean well, but I am not feeling the sexist comment in this post.

LindaLou

I fully agree with ippochick. I can't do the "forever" idea, it just seems so...final. So I do "just for today". Then tomorrow I will do it again. It's only 24 hours. So far, for me, it's working. You can do it too ((hugs))!

MaxxPower

Thanks for your time in posting this. I'm sorry that you also suffer from a life threatening condition. You took the words right out of my mouth.
If you don't mind me asking..how long have you been sober for?
you truly (among others), know exactly what in going through.

MaxxPower

No problem G,
Thinking maybe because Christmas coming up, that all of these morbid thoughts are coming into play. This first sober holiday is going to be tough. My whole family knows of my condition. Its sorta embarrassing. Not sure what to expect. My younger brother(alcoholic) is telling me to ''save'' it till he gets into town to drink. What a idiot.

MaxxPower

thx, I would like to be able to give somebody else advice down the road. This when through my head today when thinking about the pros of sobriety. It would be extremely rewarding. For now, i'm back to baby steps. got knocked out.

Ted, I love your dog! great new pic - looks like he or she is wanting a walk at that moment.

Threshold

20 months.

It was a winding, bumpy process. Got into recovery 7 months before I first got sober, then, a few relapses, then decided I was just going to do this thing. Not that easy, but really about that simple.

I had a diagnosis before all that, but during the process was diagnosed with further complications...surgeries...throw in a divorce and some other stuff for good measure.

thanks for starting this thread, it's brought up some stuff for me that I hadn't thought about for awhile...and showed me I HAVE made some important progress. Some other things have been bugging me lately, but to be reminded of things I've absorbed and overcome helps me stay hopeful about challenges that lie ahead.

we really can do this thing.

Hitman9926

Max..do it as if your life depended on it...it does! Get into a sober AA group,ask for help! not just here but from a good sponsor.Excuse me..don't just "go" to AA. Dive in head and feet and hang on .Don't worry @ not drinking "rest of your life"..break it down to just today..just this hour if necessary.Call sober people use support. I like the moderatot also darnk and drugged for 25 years.You can't undo that in 4 months! especially on your own.At least I certainly could not.

True that alcoholics eventually wind up in jails,institutions or dead. I hit 2 out of 3 in my journey. Iwas desperate for sobriety and did everything and anything suggested to walk the path. Best to you.

EndGameNYC

Sounds to me Maxx, as though you're taking it as a matter of fate that you'll drink again and then die drinking. "It's my personality." "It's the way I drink." "I can't live the rest of my life without drinking." (I'm paraphrasing from memory, but you see what I'm saying...).

In every person's life there comes a moment or moments when we're asked to take our fate into our own hands. A lot of people (maybe most) shrink from the challenge, generally content as they are to live with a kind of despair that's familiar to them, rather than embracing all the possibilities that come with living a better life. The certainty of a serviceable and predictable unhappiness traded for the risks involved in living a meaningful life. Never allowing themselves to be bigger than the moment. Always settling for second-best...or worse.

I hear this repetitive refrain each day..."It's not me." "It's too hard." "It's too painful."

No one I've known who's ever achieved greatness in living life has ever accomplished anything by running away from great moments.

The tortoise was never faster than the hare; he was just more invested in trusting his own process to take him where he needed to be, and more resolute in his convictions to get there.

MaxxPower

yeah we got do this..
what kinds of recovery methods do you use?
you don't gotta tell me them all..just a few plz
i cant think about 20 months from now..
your a strong individual..

MaxxPower

thx hitman. This has made my sobriety so far, less challenging probably. Don't need it any tougher than it already is.

afloatsober

max
I.m not good at talking about my feelings but i can tell you that i also have some angst around the upcoming holidays. Just plan to keep it real, keep safe with fellow recovering alcoholics and not kid myself that a drink will be 'ok'. If i drink, i'll not only end up back in hell fast... but screw up a few others' holidays to.
Not a runner.
G

Threshold

We all have the potential to be strong, but we have to exercise to get there. Instead of retreating from challenges and drinking, we begin to face life, a challenge at a time, and learning when to retreat, seek help, lay low (but sober) if we are not yet strong enough.

I really had to be willing to stop, breathe and do reality checks ALL the time, instead of jumping to conclusions, fighting or running, as was my habit. I seemed to spend a lot of my energy either chasing something or running from something, now I am learning to walk with life/people/emotions/opportunities and even my health issues.

I use the 12 steps...using literature from a variety of sources and various 12 step groups and iterations. Sometimes what doesn''t make sense in one book/pamphlet hits home in the literature or wording of another.

This has varied from AA, NA, MA, SA to more alternative groups like Addiction Alchemy, 12 steps of self empowerment etc.

Also had to get real about ME. Who I am. And work with what I have. Take advantage of my talents and strengths and not walk into battles I know I can't handle.

Hand in hand with all this was accepting (not resigning, but accepting) my middle age, my health challenges, my kids being grown, end of marriage etc etc. Like I said, getting real about everything. My life, when laid out, isn't bad, but it isn't what I thought it would be or should be at this point, and I wasn't happy about that...and I let that run the show.

What is, has a lot to offer when I am no longer bashing it for what it isn't.

aussieblue

Sending strength your way Maxx. Hang in there and take care of yourself.