LadyWyldOne

No. I do not care today. I am having a drink or two after work. I know I shouldn't but this depressive episode won't go away and I just need to take the edge off. I'm not going to get drunk. I'm not going to start a fight. I'm not going to spend all my money. I am simply going to work my ass off all day at work and then go reward myself with a few 12 oz glasses of Riesling. Yes I have slipped. I don't care today. I just don't care.
It's no body's fault but my own. I don't know how to cope with this depression. There's a monster inside me. The monster wants me to fail. I can't win every day. I can't be strong every day. I push so hard and work so hard and the people around me don't. I don't want to burden them with my ******** anyways. It's just an ego thing. It's just madness is what it is and I can't hold off any longer. Since Saturday I have been fighting the urge. Since Saturday I have passed by about 40 bars and liquor stores and resisted. I have sat next to my "friends" drinking I have come home to my boyfriend reeking of alcohol and beer. I am tired. I am tired of being strong. I can't do it today. I'm not going to hurt myself. I haven't been sober for long. I don't plan to be either. My drinking goals were to decrease and I have done that. I made this decision today this morning en route to work because now, anything that happens today is NOT a trigger.
My therapist says to address why I am drinking:
1. Stress
2. Depression
3. Anxiety
4. I need a break.
I know these aren't good reason. I know that I am full of **** but I just don't care today. Nothing can change my mind it's decided.

doggonecarl

If you didn't care, you would have just drank. Then maybe afterward you would have posted and told us what a big mistake it was. Or not.

But you posted first, so there is a chance it's not decided yet. Not my job to talk you out of it. But you won't be addressing your stress, depression, anxiety, or any other reason you feel you need alcohol.

...you'll just be drinking. Nothing else changes. Good luck with that.

SoberSteve

No, only you can change your mind and your life. Some days and stretches of days are just tougher than others. Getting through those tough times are part of it I suppose. Good luck on your journey to sobriety. Remember you'll probably feel like crap tomorrow though. Perhaps others might have alternatives you'd be willing to try. BJ

BlueFrancis

I slipped recently. It certainly didn't help with stress, depression or anxiety. It didn't give me a break, it made things worse. Pretty lucky I managed to catch it before I had a full blown relapse. I'm pretty disappointed in myself and I've got to live with that.

I'd advise against it. You know where it leads. I hope you feel better, drinking isn't the answer.

LadyWyldOne

Thank you all... I agree with all of you just don't know how to cope right now. Still only 11 AM here still have 6 hours for things to change. But I've been ignoring the pulling at my sleeve for a week now. Doesn't seem to be getting better. Some days I guess are easier but it's always looming.

JaylaaKent

alcohol is a contradiction for depression - then you have magnified depression, remorse, and a hangover - rather than just depression. I get the same - starting thinking about my divorce, lost my daughter who ran away, don't really like my job, can't lose weight because I'm always tired - whine whine whine - I find trying to help others (even just posting here are SR) or going to the store, a meeting, anything to get out of my head of self-pity - I dont think you will NOT regret NOT drinking............ just my two cents.

LadyWyldOne

Thank you... I have tried all week to not give in. I am so lost and confused and I am just done with it all. Like one drink is going to kill me... like it matters anyways. for week I have felt empty, lonely, sad, (depressed) can't sleep at night without taking something (Night time cold n flue medicine), can't eat until my body feels weak, I've never been depressed like this in my life... like the insomnia I'm use to but I've always had MORE of an appetite from depression but not a loss of appetite. I have stress at work and stress at home I have nothing that's just mine and I'm just sick of trying.

feeling-good

Just to say I know what you are feeling. (((hugs)))

ClaireFraser

I hope you figure out what will be best for you to do. I know for me, I could have a night where I only drank a glass or two of wine...but I'd always make up for that night on another night by drinking a bottle...or more. Drinking won't relieve the stress and you know it--it'll temporarily make you think about the things stressing you in a different way, but it won't be real and whatever the problem is will be the exact same problem tomorrow, but then you'll be dealing with it without the benefit of sobriety and clarity. Or at least that's how it would be for me.

Threshold

Huge hugs.

booze is a depressant, it won't help. Maybe a good cry, a movie, either funny or sad whichever best suits, a cozy mug of something booze free. Take care of yourself, don't further poison and harm yourself. You deserve to be taken care of not punished.

I'm sober, and going through the sort of feelings you describe, but I have been sober long enough to know that truly, deeply...drinking is NOT the way to address (or try to smother) these feelings.

I truly appreciate how exhausted, beaten down and hopeless you feel. Sleep? what's that? But laughter is a better medicine than alcohol, or a sad book even (so I feel less alone), or some music I forgot how much I loved. Or a candle.

On the subject of sleep aids. If you are taking that JUST to sleep, ditch the cold and flu meds...taxing your liver with other junk and just take a sleep aid.

Lack of sleep really messes with people, actually can make us psychotic. I think there is a sticky on this board, with alternatives to help with sleep. definitely worth looking into.

again, HUGE hugs. Reward yourself with self care, not self destruction in a glass.

BackToSquareOne

The very best fuel for anxiety, depression, stress and all of that is alcohol. If you already have those issues and want to make them much worse alcohol will do the job.

Any drugs withdrawal profile can be predicted by reversing the effects it had while active. That brief period of relief is always followed by hypervigilance as the brain chemistry normalizes. No way around that.

NoJimmy

I can relate. I'm dealing with losing my GF too, so I'm not sure if my panic attacks, anxiety, inability to sleep, hopelessness, total lack of appetite and depression are because of the loss of her or alcohol. Likely both. All I know is that it's been hell, and the sooner I get through it, the better. I seem to find the strength to call someone, share on here, pray, or go to a meeting every time I start feeling as though I want to just give up. So far doing that has got me through 26 of the longest, loneliest most painful days I've known.
You can do this, you have the tools to succeed as many others have. Your mention of your boyfriend continuing to drink is a concern. Part of my success has been to remove myself from unsafe people and environments.

LadyWyldOne

Thank you all again, I appreciate so much the support here. I don't know what is wrong with me. I am told how loved I am but I don't feel loved. I have the weight of the world on my shoulders. People rely on me to be strong but aren't there for me when I am falling. I know- I know - I should eliminate these people from my life but I just am unable to do that. I know I know I have no one to blame for ANYTHING buy myself.

As messed up as this sounds now that I've "decided" I keep thinking '**** it... I'll just get SMASHED... I'll just down as many double rum n cokes as I can until they cut me off (usually it's 3 or 4)"....

I can't today. I can't.

NoJimmy

In my experience, even in a short 26 days my views of the world around me and people around me is starting to become more clear. Just do whatever is necessary to stay sober today. The other problems will either solve themselves organically as you progress, the ones that don't can be addressed later when you have the capacity to.
I knew initially but didn't own the fact that sobriety needs to be my very first priority above all else. If I don't have that, I am at risk to lose everybody and everything important in my life.

LadyWyldOne

This is helping.... positive reienforcement.... but I still dont know ... I guess that's better than knowing I will end up in a bar tonight. We shall see folks.

ScottFromWI

Actually, it's you that will see. We know that drinking will make everything worse for you. We know you will regret the decision to drink if you do. We know how you will feel tomorrow and the remorse, shame, guilt and intesnified depression you will have.

The only thing left is for you to consciously choose to knowingly pour a drink down your throat or not. You get to choose the outcome -which will it be?

tomsteve

welp, one way to start loving yourself is by lookin in the morror and tellin yerself ya love yerself.
no, the weight of the world isn't on your shoulders. that's your perception.. you are allowed to tell others,"cant help right now. im all jacked up."

is it that you are unable or unwilling to remove toxic people from your life?

you say this:
" I appreciate so much the support here."
then this:
"People rely on me to be strong but aren't there for me when I am falling."

we don't rely on you to be strong, but we are here for ya.

think the drink through. whne yer done drinkin, will anything have gotten better? prolly not.

trudge. not the greatest thing to do, but it was the best thing to do.

Dee74

I could never love myself when I kept abusing myself with alcohol and cheapening myself with drunken actions.

I could never not be depressed when I kept guzzling on a depressant.

I'm sorry you feel low - but the solution is to find and deal with the problem itself not hack away blindly at the symptoms and trying to 'take the edge off'.

Already your AV is playing footsies with you - you started with 'I'm not gonna get drunk and a whole host of other declaration...and ended with 'I'll get SMASHED"

we both know which one will happen if you drink.

don't make a bad situation worse. Reach out, find support.
We all have monsters in us too - but the monster doesn't have to win.

if you need a break take one - do something totally for you tonight - away from the bars etc.

if you need support, call people, or sit on here

If you're depressed why not see a Dr?

D

LadyWyldOne

I didn't do it...I feel good about that....all of this support is amazing.

NoJimmy