I'm afraid of myself.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 51
I'm afraid of myself.
I've been sober for the past 16 months. Off the benzos too.
I'm finding it increasingly hard to stay sober. Over the past month the cravings are worse and worse. I've even gone to the store and priced the cheapest vodka I could buy, decided what I'd mix it with along with the appropriate quantities to purchase so as not to run out, figuring out when the benzos will be available from the dealer, etc.
I'm sitting here alone and afraid that I may actually allow myself to go about doing all this. I don't want to lose my sobriety. While I hate being sober I don't want to be drunk and high either.
I spent three months in a very expensive rehab center which was paid for me 100%. I'll never get such an opportunity again in my lifetime. I also know if I start again it will be the death of me. That I'll lose everything I hold dear.
This is just awful and I don't know how to make it stop.
I'm finding it increasingly hard to stay sober. Over the past month the cravings are worse and worse. I've even gone to the store and priced the cheapest vodka I could buy, decided what I'd mix it with along with the appropriate quantities to purchase so as not to run out, figuring out when the benzos will be available from the dealer, etc.
I'm sitting here alone and afraid that I may actually allow myself to go about doing all this. I don't want to lose my sobriety. While I hate being sober I don't want to be drunk and high either.
I spent three months in a very expensive rehab center which was paid for me 100%. I'll never get such an opportunity again in my lifetime. I also know if I start again it will be the death of me. That I'll lose everything I hold dear.
This is just awful and I don't know how to make it stop.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 1,778
I'm so sorry you're having a hard time. Do you have someone you can call? A good friend or family member or someone you know in recovery who will not be judgmental?
Why do you hate being sober? This sounds like it could be the root of the problem. Maybe something to talk to a therapist about. Stick close to SR and try to distract yourself. Watch something funny. Read, take a walk......I know it sounds trite but these things work for me sometimes.
Think the drink/drugs through. How will you feel tomorrow? How will using make anything better in any way? It will eventually kill you.
I hate sitting with these kinds of feelings too. Sometimes ya just gotta get through it.
It sucks, but you're strong! You've been sober for 16 months. What have you been doing that was working and is now not working?
Take good care of yourself and hang in there.
Why do you hate being sober? This sounds like it could be the root of the problem. Maybe something to talk to a therapist about. Stick close to SR and try to distract yourself. Watch something funny. Read, take a walk......I know it sounds trite but these things work for me sometimes.
Think the drink/drugs through. How will you feel tomorrow? How will using make anything better in any way? It will eventually kill you.
I hate sitting with these kinds of feelings too. Sometimes ya just gotta get through it.
It sucks, but you're strong! You've been sober for 16 months. What have you been doing that was working and is now not working?
Take good care of yourself and hang in there.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,373
Hi Jade
when you get those kind of feelings happening, and increasingly, I think it's time to do...something.
I get the sense from your post you haven;t got a lot in the way of support?
Have you thought of a recovery group like AA or one of the non 12 step alternatives at all?
D
when you get those kind of feelings happening, and increasingly, I think it's time to do...something.
I get the sense from your post you haven;t got a lot in the way of support?
Have you thought of a recovery group like AA or one of the non 12 step alternatives at all?
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 51
My living situation isn't ideal for one thing.
My daughter and her boyfriend are living with us and have done for the past three years. She's 24 and he's 32. He only started working during all this time five months ago.
Then it's a cheesy job and pays nothing. Even less after all the back child-support/court fines are taken out.
All of us have our own addictions, alcoholism, benzo addiction, opiate addiction, and nicotine. Before I went to rehab it was just four addicts living together feeding off each other.
After rehab I didn't come back home but go my own place. I refused to return to my husband until they left, which they did.
The two and a half months they were gone were great with my husband and I actually getting along and not fighting like cats and dogs.
I'm able to avoid drinking even though my husband consumes a thirty pack of beer a day. I think this is so because I detest beer and always felt it would belittle me to swill beer all day. Booze is obviously much more high class. (snark)
Anyway the person they moved in with is another addict/alcoholic and took an instant hatred to the boyfriend. The new roommate is also a violent drunk who spent the rent/bill money on things for himself leading to the power being shut off and an eviction notice being issued.
It was mid winter and you don't turn your back on your kids so we let them come home. That was seven months ago.
We have a small house with one large bedroom and one only big enough to put a twin bed in. This room is used for storage and the floor can't been seen it's so full.
This all lead to where were they going to stay with all their ****. Once again they moved into our room.
For the past seven months I've slept on the sofa and my husband in the recliner in the living room. We're back to being at each others throats and I can't stand his drinking and having to look at him sit in his underwear drunk all the time.
I'm kicking myself for giving up my apartment because I was happy then. Now I'm just as miserable as when I went to rehab and wish I'd never stopped drinking. I'm back to having panic attacks and just being plain miserable.
I long to be blackout drunk so I don't have to deal with these people any more. If I could afford to I'd move out again.
I do have to say that my daughter has been going to the methadone clinic since she moved home and the boyfriend is also clean so it's not like they aren't trying.
My husband will be drunk the day he dies. As a matter of fact, in over 30 years of marriage I've never seen him sober one day. And that is no lie or exaggeration. We were always each others drinking buddies.
That's my story and why I'm in the mood I've been in of late.
My daughter and her boyfriend are living with us and have done for the past three years. She's 24 and he's 32. He only started working during all this time five months ago.
Then it's a cheesy job and pays nothing. Even less after all the back child-support/court fines are taken out.
All of us have our own addictions, alcoholism, benzo addiction, opiate addiction, and nicotine. Before I went to rehab it was just four addicts living together feeding off each other.
After rehab I didn't come back home but go my own place. I refused to return to my husband until they left, which they did.
The two and a half months they were gone were great with my husband and I actually getting along and not fighting like cats and dogs.
I'm able to avoid drinking even though my husband consumes a thirty pack of beer a day. I think this is so because I detest beer and always felt it would belittle me to swill beer all day. Booze is obviously much more high class. (snark)
Anyway the person they moved in with is another addict/alcoholic and took an instant hatred to the boyfriend. The new roommate is also a violent drunk who spent the rent/bill money on things for himself leading to the power being shut off and an eviction notice being issued.
It was mid winter and you don't turn your back on your kids so we let them come home. That was seven months ago.
We have a small house with one large bedroom and one only big enough to put a twin bed in. This room is used for storage and the floor can't been seen it's so full.
This all lead to where were they going to stay with all their ****. Once again they moved into our room.
For the past seven months I've slept on the sofa and my husband in the recliner in the living room. We're back to being at each others throats and I can't stand his drinking and having to look at him sit in his underwear drunk all the time.
I'm kicking myself for giving up my apartment because I was happy then. Now I'm just as miserable as when I went to rehab and wish I'd never stopped drinking. I'm back to having panic attacks and just being plain miserable.
I long to be blackout drunk so I don't have to deal with these people any more. If I could afford to I'd move out again.
I do have to say that my daughter has been going to the methadone clinic since she moved home and the boyfriend is also clean so it's not like they aren't trying.
My husband will be drunk the day he dies. As a matter of fact, in over 30 years of marriage I've never seen him sober one day. And that is no lie or exaggeration. We were always each others drinking buddies.
That's my story and why I'm in the mood I've been in of late.
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