Asking the other side of the street, please respond...
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Join Date: May 2013
Location: uk
Posts: 368
Asking the other side of the street, please respond...
My RXAB just left me. Totally unexpectedly. We went from talking engagement to split up. He was always honest with me about his drinking and for as long as I knew him, he has been working a program and working hard to stay sober. We were extremely happy, no abuse, never a single argument even; just happy.
So this has come as an utter shock. He says he loves me but cannot drag me through this. That he's been advised not to be in a relationship with anyone and needs to completely shut the door on 'us' in his head so he doesn't feel like his life is going too well - so he can focus on staying sober.
Have any of you felt the same way? Have you left partners in order to focus on recovery - partners that you loved dearly? Did you go back to them? If so, how long did it take to return to them?
I am just trying to understand better the situation, what hope there may or may not be for us.
Thank you.
So this has come as an utter shock. He says he loves me but cannot drag me through this. That he's been advised not to be in a relationship with anyone and needs to completely shut the door on 'us' in his head so he doesn't feel like his life is going too well - so he can focus on staying sober.
Have any of you felt the same way? Have you left partners in order to focus on recovery - partners that you loved dearly? Did you go back to them? If so, how long did it take to return to them?
I am just trying to understand better the situation, what hope there may or may not be for us.
Thank you.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,572
This is not really part of recovery from what I can tell.
What does he say when you ask him?
We would be merely speculating on why a sober person would leave an "extremely happy" relationship.
Something doesn't add up.
What does he say when you ask him?
We would be merely speculating on why a sober person would leave an "extremely happy" relationship.
Something doesn't add up.
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
It is advised not to engage in NEW relationships during the first year in recovery. It is also advised not to make any major change. Breaking up with your partner is considered a major change. Often, if a person in their first year of sobriety is considering a divorce, it will be recommended that they hold their horses until they have a full year sober (unless they are being abused)
It sounds like he is using being in recovery as an excuse to dump you.
A man who loves a woman does not dump her and would want to share his recovery and new sobriety with her after years of sharing his drunken bs.
Basically, he is embarking on a brand new life and does not want you by his side. He can quack and sugarcoat it all he wants, his actions speak louder than words.
It sounds like he is using being in recovery as an excuse to dump you.
He says he loves me but cannot drag me through this.
Basically, he is embarking on a brand new life and does not want you by his side. He can quack and sugarcoat it all he wants, his actions speak louder than words.
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Join Date: May 2013
Location: uk
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oh, I forgot to say that this came immediately after a very bad relapse - he tried to kill himself and ended up in a month-long rehab. Coming out of that rehab, he came to see me, and that is when he said that he could not drag me through this and needed to get to know himself single and sober as he has never been both at the same time before. No-one who knows him saw this coming. It really was a shock.
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Join Date: Jun 2007
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Originally Posted by shil2587 
he's been advised not to be in a relationship with anyone and needs to completely shut the door on 'us' in his head so he doesn't feel like his life is going too well - so he can focus on staying sober.
voices ca**y
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: St. Paul Minnesota
Posts: 4,359
I'm sorry you are having this heartbreak. I love my husband and have told him to run like hell if I go back under. I finally drank enough where I can see the finish line from where I left off. NOT GOOD. It is possible he is trying to spare you some pain because maybe he is not that confident. His brain is probably to scrambled right now from the abuse so he is not thinking clearly anyway. Don't try to make sense out of it.
Mostly though it sounds like one of those "it's not you it's me" speeches from someone who really does care about your feelings. He said he is completely shutting the door. What else can you do but move on?
Mostly though it sounds like one of those "it's not you it's me" speeches from someone who really does care about your feelings. He said he is completely shutting the door. What else can you do but move on?
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Gatineau, QC, CA
Posts: 5,100
I second silentrun
He probably feels stressed about potentially failing and hurting you again. He doesn't need the stress so he is pulling to protect you.
Best thing you can do if you love him is to leave a friendship door opened. Tell him you are there if he needs to talk. Give him room to work on himself.
My 25 cents ;-)
He probably feels stressed about potentially failing and hurting you again. He doesn't need the stress so he is pulling to protect you.
Best thing you can do if you love him is to leave a friendship door opened. Tell him you are there if he needs to talk. Give him room to work on himself.
My 25 cents ;-)
totfit
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Ft Collins, CO
Posts: 1,273
A lot of folks are "runners" when anything in life gets deep. Relationships are one of the deepest emotional and otherwise commitments humans encounter. Being runners, the "concentrate on recovery" excuse is a good one. He may have really convinced himself this is the reason and mean no harm, but he is running, IMHO.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,777
Originally Posted by shil2587
oh, I forgot to say that this came immediately after a very bad relapse - he tried to kill himself and ended up in a month-long rehab. Coming out of that rehab, he came to see me, and that is when he said that he could not drag me through this and needed to get to know himself single and sober as he has never been both at the same time before. No-one who knows him saw this coming. It really was a shock.
It seems like he's not of sound mind right now.
No matter what he said, whether or not it's just an excuse, would you want to be dragged thru all that pain and drama? I wouldn't. You deserve a peaceful life. I hope you can find it.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 442
there is no recovery method worth a damn that would encourage him to come out of a loving relationship. if someone has filled his head with such nonsense, then go ahead and tell him that we say its not a requirement for sobriety or recovery.
There is a lot of speculation above of why he may of told you this, suffice to say, its all just speculation - we do not know your boyfriend or circumstances in anyway shape or form, so I would take the above statements as they are speculation and not fact.
It might be worth pointing your BF to this forum?
There is a lot of speculation above of why he may of told you this, suffice to say, its all just speculation - we do not know your boyfriend or circumstances in anyway shape or form, so I would take the above statements as they are speculation and not fact.
It might be worth pointing your BF to this forum?
Grateful to be free
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,680
I want to start this by saying this is MY experience and it may have absolutely no similarities to your BF and his motivations, but I think it's worth throwing out there the perspectives of someone who has been where he is.
I've relapsed, I've attempted suicide.
One thing I've heard my entire life is that suicide is the most selfish thing a person can do...don't they realize the pain they leave behind, etc. Also we hear how selfish, thoughtless and damaging an addict/alcoholic is.
So there is this level of guilt when one has suicidal thoughts or actions, and when one is an addict or alcoholic. Many of us realize how hard this is, and we are very often reminded of how hard this is on those who love us.
Isolating is a way of dealing with the guilt...because then we can say "I am not hurting my loved ones"
When we have tried to get sober, and then relapse, and attempt suicide..those are failures, and we do feel awful about putting a loved one through that again, and we aren't sure that we ever will get sober for good, or not want to commit suicide...so we try to end things because we can't stand the pressure, guilt, fear of harming good people with our messed up selves.
Sometimes we don't want to do the work of getting better, sometimes we fear we never will get better, it seems easier for everyone if we just check out. Maybe if we pull it together we will be ready for friends, family, relationships, a "real" job again...
but there can be a huge pressure (from within) when we are still trying to act normal, be a good spouse, parent, etc...and trying to recover at the same time. Some people fear they can't do it, and some people actually can't do it. So...do we stay in the relationship, job, etc failing, asking people to understand, give us another chance...etc. Or do we leave and try to get our crap together?
Are we doing more harm by staying? or by leaving?
When we aren't even sure we can take care of ourselves...do we have a right to be in a relationship where we have a big responsibility towards someone else?
When we aren't liking life, or ourselves and we want to hang onto the option of drinking, drugging, or suicide in case life gets to be more than we can handle...we don't want to make another comittment to someone that we might not be able to keep.
And the idea of having the other person leave, reject, blame, hate, us later if we DO relapse...is painful. So maybe we'll leave now and not risk rejection later.
These are the kinds of thought processes that have gone through my head.
I still worry that if/when another major episode of mental illness comes up by BF, no matter how much he loves me and says he wants to be with me and take care of me forever, he will find it's too much for him and break up with me.
See, I've been through that before with other people. Other partners, and even myself.
I've said about my ex husband...I don't blame him for divorcing me, I would have divorced me too if I was able to.
I don't know if your BF thinks or feels any of those things. But from what therapists and drs have told me. the way I think and feel are not uncommon.
When my BF relapsed, he isolated from me and said he really just wanted to drink, and didn't want the hassle of trying to maintain a relationship, or have to deal with me being angry or hurt when he didn't keep dates, wasn't there for me etc.
Part of it was not wanting to hurt me, and part of it was not wanting the pressure and guilt for himself.
I am not sharing this as an encouragement to go and give reassurances of support, promises that you love him no matter what, etc. Really, I wouldn't do that, I'd focus on myself. ( I did when my BF relapses) I had to get on with life. Because there is no way of knowing if, or on what time schedule someones process will take them, or where they will end up, etc. No crystal ball.
He has chosen to end the relationship. No matter his underlying reason, that is the reality.
I've relapsed, I've attempted suicide.
One thing I've heard my entire life is that suicide is the most selfish thing a person can do...don't they realize the pain they leave behind, etc. Also we hear how selfish, thoughtless and damaging an addict/alcoholic is.
So there is this level of guilt when one has suicidal thoughts or actions, and when one is an addict or alcoholic. Many of us realize how hard this is, and we are very often reminded of how hard this is on those who love us.
Isolating is a way of dealing with the guilt...because then we can say "I am not hurting my loved ones"
When we have tried to get sober, and then relapse, and attempt suicide..those are failures, and we do feel awful about putting a loved one through that again, and we aren't sure that we ever will get sober for good, or not want to commit suicide...so we try to end things because we can't stand the pressure, guilt, fear of harming good people with our messed up selves.
Sometimes we don't want to do the work of getting better, sometimes we fear we never will get better, it seems easier for everyone if we just check out. Maybe if we pull it together we will be ready for friends, family, relationships, a "real" job again...
but there can be a huge pressure (from within) when we are still trying to act normal, be a good spouse, parent, etc...and trying to recover at the same time. Some people fear they can't do it, and some people actually can't do it. So...do we stay in the relationship, job, etc failing, asking people to understand, give us another chance...etc. Or do we leave and try to get our crap together?
Are we doing more harm by staying? or by leaving?
When we aren't even sure we can take care of ourselves...do we have a right to be in a relationship where we have a big responsibility towards someone else?
When we aren't liking life, or ourselves and we want to hang onto the option of drinking, drugging, or suicide in case life gets to be more than we can handle...we don't want to make another comittment to someone that we might not be able to keep.
And the idea of having the other person leave, reject, blame, hate, us later if we DO relapse...is painful. So maybe we'll leave now and not risk rejection later.
These are the kinds of thought processes that have gone through my head.
I still worry that if/when another major episode of mental illness comes up by BF, no matter how much he loves me and says he wants to be with me and take care of me forever, he will find it's too much for him and break up with me.
See, I've been through that before with other people. Other partners, and even myself.
I've said about my ex husband...I don't blame him for divorcing me, I would have divorced me too if I was able to.
I don't know if your BF thinks or feels any of those things. But from what therapists and drs have told me. the way I think and feel are not uncommon.
When my BF relapsed, he isolated from me and said he really just wanted to drink, and didn't want the hassle of trying to maintain a relationship, or have to deal with me being angry or hurt when he didn't keep dates, wasn't there for me etc.
Part of it was not wanting to hurt me, and part of it was not wanting the pressure and guilt for himself.
I am not sharing this as an encouragement to go and give reassurances of support, promises that you love him no matter what, etc. Really, I wouldn't do that, I'd focus on myself. ( I did when my BF relapses) I had to get on with life. Because there is no way of knowing if, or on what time schedule someones process will take them, or where they will end up, etc. No crystal ball.
He has chosen to end the relationship. No matter his underlying reason, that is the reality.
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
I am sorry for brings you to this side of SR. You may never get the answer that is going to bring you satisfaction or understanding. You may forever wonder why.
I did read your initial post to Sober Recovery and frankly, I think you've dodged a bullet. A chronic relapser is going to drag you through a lot of pain and suffering. So the reasons Threshold brings up for him leaving makes sense.
I did read your initial post to Sober Recovery and frankly, I think you've dodged a bullet. A chronic relapser is going to drag you through a lot of pain and suffering. So the reasons Threshold brings up for him leaving makes sense.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Location: uk
Posts: 368
Thank you everyone. It really helped to hear that at least what he said to me as reasons are things that resonate with others too - that it was honest to the end.
All I can do is pray that he finds peace, and hope that perhaps, later down the line, we might be able to work things out.
Threshold, I really appreciated the share, it helped a lot.
Thanks everyone.
All I can do is pray that he finds peace, and hope that perhaps, later down the line, we might be able to work things out.
Threshold, I really appreciated the share, it helped a lot.
Thanks everyone.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Daytona Beach, FL
Posts: 425
On the other side - I know being in my recovery (early recovery) having a relationship is sometimes a distraction for me. I feel like my boyfriend (who lives with me) wants to spend time together, do this, do that. Some days I'm so overwhelmed with AA meetings, work, and just FEEDING/SHOWERING myself - the thought of giving another person attention is overwhelming. I sleep a lot lately also. Is he being selfish? Yep - but this might save his life. How can he be a a good partner for you when he is so broken? Are you being selfish? Wanting the relationship despite him telling you it's too much for him right now? It's probably not because he wants to go skirt chasing and find a replacement - he's probably very overwhelmed, scared, and tired .
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