lovesymphony

Hi everyone. I've actually been coming to this site periodically for over a year, but never post. I've known I had a problem with alcohol for years but until this last year I could usually (not always) control the amount I would have. 5 years ago I would keep a large bottle of vodka and take sips of it at night to help me sleep.
Hah I would be terrified having that much alcohol in my house now, since I drink everything I have. I'd probably die. I've always had trouble with depression, anxiety, severe insomnia, trouble socializing but feel lonely if I don't talk, a very addictive personality and an alcoholic grandfather who got wet brain....I should have seen that I was a perfect recipe for becoming an alcoholic. I've at least cut back as I was getting dysfunctional about it a few months ago. But i cannot completely quit.
I went to AA, and still go to meetings sometimes and underlined helpful stuff in The Big Book but I vehemently disagree with certain parts of the program. I can't help it. I also read Rational Recovery. Again, helpful things in that book but stuff I had real problems with, too. (Anyone know about Smart Recovery? I'm doing that next.)
At any rate, what seems to help me have dry days is to just make quitting alcohol my highest priority and work at it literally hours every day--by reading anti-alcohol stuff, coming here, watching alcoholism videos, etc. So that's why i'm finally posting here. I plan to work against alcoholism as much as I can every day until the urges fade and I get it through my head I do not have an off switch once I start, and never will.
Yesterday I was convinced I would just have a little vodka....how many times will I think this nonsense??... The vodka wasn't enough so I drove back to the store buzzing. I saw the cashier who always sees me buy wine (ugh), then came home and drank a whole bottle of wine and got drunk. Then I sent my boyfriend a text and dumped him! Then fell asleep and couldn't respond to his bewilderment til morning. I'm in my 30s, too old for that. I'm lucky we're still together. He's a great guy, I want to be the best I can be for him ...Why is this so hard??! Well thankyou everyone who posts here, and thanks for reading my long post. If I'd get on this board more I'd drink less or maybe stop completely

22NGONE

Hello and welcome. You can stop completely if you truly desire it. IDK what you vehemently disagree with in the Big Book but I would recommend setting aside what you don't agree with and just try going to some A.A. meetings and listening to what people have to say. I think you will find you agree with more that is said than disagree. You are not alone, many people have struggled with this same problem and won! Good Luck!

resolute50

Welcome to SR.
I'm glad you found this site. It has helped me to not drink now for over 3 months.
Vodka eventually became my demon as well.The heavy duty 90 proof stuff.

copperfield

Hello Lovesymphony,
thank you for your post. I am feeling the same way you are today. Goodluck with your day/night and know you're not alone with these feelings and problems...

JPSkate

What really helped me when I quit (13 days ago, seems like alot longer than that!) was coming to this site, weather it be on a computer or phone, whenever I started having a tough time. It got me through the first few days, and after that, it got a little better every day, and still is.

soberhawk

Welcome to SR symphony.

You can stop – and if you do not give up you will.

You are welcome to join our 24 hour thread:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...join-us-9.html

I sign in every morning just tor remind myself what I am doing.

I do not agree with any of the methods and all of them. The AA people seem to have some sensible views and so do the smart and Rational recovery methods. I have a religious conviction that I should never do anything important out of obedience and being sober is important to me. All methods are fine if they work and I stay sober.

I do not want to waste more life on it – it took my quite some years to realize that, I must be a rather slow learner. I hope for you that you will be a little brighter than I.

Thepatman

Soberhawk, I like your post. Whatever works for each individual is appropriate.

lovesymphony

thanks for the replies. I'm determined as I could possibly be and I know I won't drink today or probably tomorrow....that third day is when I start feeling like I have more control than I do....If I could just keep the mindset I have right now going I'd never drink again

Hevyn

Hi lovesymphony - I'm glad you posted about your feelings.

Somewhere around your age I lost control of my drinking. It had been a fun part of my life, but I became too dependent on it. I never knew where it would take me once those first few drinks were in my system. It was dangerous & unpredictable. I didn't stop back then, though - I kept trying to manage it. I'm glad you're taking a serious look at what it's doing to your life. I wish I hadn't crashed & burned before realizing I had to quit all together. Glad to see you here.

JaylaaKent

You will jut have to simply come to terms with the fact you can NOT drink safely on any level. Because seriously? Can you have just one drink? Once you get over that realization and let that become part of your entire being - you won't really have a problem with alcohol. It seem to me you have not had the "acceptance" moment yet. Now that I've accepted - I just can't drink - period. It' not such a big deal anymore. I do get a weird feeling when I walk by the HUGE wine selection at 7/11 - but I know what will happen if I think I can drink. I go to AA - there is a lot I don't totally believe, but overall I figure it's better than what I was doing. Most people don't obsess, reminisce, or passionately miss their drinking - that's why we are alcoholic. The urge and obsession has mostly lifted (60 days since my last drink). It's been a relief.

mfanch

I made a plan and followed it (it's on this board somewhere in an old thread). I still follow my (modified) plan to this day.

I suggest a plan.

EndGameNYC

We're often so hell bent on seeing things our way that we end up doing more harm than good, just to experience the questionable and transient pleasure of being right. It's easy to poke holes in any program of recovery, if only because there are no guarantees that any one way will work for any of us. So what's the point in arguing? We either do, or we don't.

Early in the 21st Century, decades of scientific research have yet to provide a serviceable solution to alcoholism and other addictions. Yet we continue to cry out for scientific solutions to a problem that steps all over science.

Like many other conditions, alcohol never comes under any kind of reliable control unless and until we surrender to and accept that we are what we are. Everything else is noise in the system.

"There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, Than are dreamt of in your philosophy." - Hamlet

Tamerua

Try not to think about tomorrow or day three. Get through it one day at a time. One hour if you need and don't pick up a drink no matter what.. You can do this.

MrGhost

Hi, glad you made it to these forums..I almost didn't and almost died several times too.

"I plan to work against alcoholism as much as I can every day until the urges fade and I get it through my head I do not have an off switch once I start, and never will."

Build a hate/hate relationship with alcohol, by realizing alcohol will make your life worse and bring you to your END-- and if you do not believe it you will go right out and sadly prove it. Realize all that now and avoid proving it.

Drinking too much is caused by an already unstable mind, and this instability is going to cause you to think unrationally, to a point where you can't even notice you doing it. Out of control drinking is a joke in the sense that it's not needed in life no matter what. It's bull sh*t. It's insanity causing us to think we need it. Don't wait until you make your life so bad you will be awaking and falling asleep in literally TEARS, in order to realize all you needed to do was not drink and things would've gotten better.

Things always get better if we keep going, that's a fact, but things will inevitabley get worse and worse if you drink, that's also a fact. And if you choose wisely which want you want more of, not even a craving will cause you to drink. Don't wait until it's way late in the game to find that you didn't need alcohol, put the bottle down now and also realize you've got a fire going on and what a fire really is. Any bridge from this point on of yours can get burned, don't wait until that happens to really realize how important it is for you to just stop drinking. And when you do finally decide to call it quits with the bottle, realize it won't be just you that you will be thanking, things you care about MOST in your life will be THANKING you too.

Ruby2

I had problems with some of AA stuff myself but doing 90 in 90 and then kept going kept me sober the longest. I also had some issues with AA but I am finding in retrospect that a lot of it made sense. I kick started by going to in patient treatment after in hospital detox. Made it 10.5 months before relapsing for stupid reasons.

Now I am back. Specifically I have always struggled with Step 3 in AA.

And day three was always a hump to get over for me. I felt better and thought one wouldn't hurt. Only to start day one and two over again after crawling out of the bottle.

Only you can decide when you have had enough. When you have, nothing will stop you. even reservations anout the tenets of any program.

Hang in there. It sounds like you want to quit. You can do it, one day at a time.

readerbaby71

Check out the Women for Sobriety program. I've found it very empowering and the message boards are an amazing help when I need support. It helped me change my way of thinking about myself and my life.

Good luck to you. I know it's difficult.

miamifella

What helped me was a good clinical psychologist.

If you are really open to doing whatever it takes you have to TRY everything. Not just going to a couple AA meeting. AA did not work for me but going to meetings regularly at the start helped. (90 in 90 is a good idea.)

Also, Rational Recovery meetings if they are near you.

You cannot just get recovery from a book. AA, RR, therapy, SmartRecovery---you really have to try it all--not read about it all!

IOAA2

Hi. You stated "nothing works." In AA and other recovery methods I'm sure there is a message "It works IF we work it." This has a lot of backup from the millions it's helped to stop drinking. Usually if it doesn't work is when we revert back to our old ways by doing things our way and the relapse is sure to come. Staying sober is long term work and it's easy if we let it and do the work involved.
The joy is in the journey.

BE WELL

lovesymphony

wow...a lot of great insight and help here, I can tell. I'm going over it all again tomorrow when I'm totally sober. That's right, I drank tonight. I was sober all day yesterday and all of today til about 11pm. No one sells alcohol after midnight around here so I couldn't go back for more....lol and a good thing because I've been pretty annoyed about it, and I would have driven back. AA meetings are usually a wonderful help, like this board. I re-read my post and can't believe I already broke my commitment to come on here daily and work at alcoholism constantly....I just hate life so much to tell the truth. I want the escape.

lovesymphony

I just re-read all these. thanks so much. I didn't drink all day so far. I'm gonna check into Women of sobriety, and smart recovery too..i'm just lying in bed for now, trying to get up. Sorry to sound so negative, there's just some stuff going on in my life making me an emotional wreck.